How Have You Handled the Emptiness You Feel in Your Home Since Your Loved One Passed?

[Chocolate]

11 minutes ago, Margm said:

The other night, the people who live above us, they have a baby under six months old.  I woke up with a thud sound that was so familiar that I could not have regrets.  It was a bottle from a baby hitting the floor when she was finished with it.  I like quiet, I just do not like loud quiet.  I miss Billy so very much, but I do not regret moving where I hear noise.  And, I sleep.  I have "help" sleeping, and will argue with anyone that I want my quality of life to come before my quantity.  I have quantity.  But what I did, even though it was best for me, it definitely is not for every person in this situation. 

The sounds of others would annoy me.   I hate the place being empty of his presence.  The animals in the yard comfort me.  We learned to talk to turkeys and deer.  They do have language.  Crow are neat birds.  To me the sounds they all make is special.  After living in a house I would hate living in an apartment.  We each have to find our own way.

[Margm]

Somewhere along the line of time the realization came to me that our house would need major repairs.  They were not needed right then.  I was not/am not Susie Homemaker.  Billy was never a house repairer, (we had been RV'ers and wanted to live that way) but family situations made us move into a brix and stix.  I knew in an apartment, the repairs would be done by management and I would not have to worry.  The first time I had a problem, the maintenance man patted me on the back when I thanked him for fixing the problem and said "that is what we are here for."  Billy and I had bought another RV, we were going to put the house on the market and were going to "hit the road" again.  Instead, he left without me.  I had no strings holding me down and could not RV by myself, it was our dream, I would not live it without him.  

[Chocolate]

7 minutes ago, Margm said:

Somewhere along the line of time the realization came to me that our house would need major repairs.  They were not needed right then.  I was not/am not Susie Homemaker.  Billy was never a house repairer, (we had been RV'ers and wanted to live that way) but family situations made us move into a brix and stix.  I knew in an apartment, the repairs would be done by management and I would not have to worry.  The first time I had a problem, the maintenance man patted me on the back when I thanked him for fixing the problem and said "that is what we are here for."  Billy and I had bought another RV, we were going to put the house on the market and were going to "hit the road" again.  Instead, he left without me.  I had no strings holding me down and could not RV by myself, it was our dream, I would not live it without him.  

Yes, houses need repairs.  When I lived in an apartment I was always concerned that someone else's carelessness could burn down the place I lived.  My dad was paranoid about fire. As far as RVs go, they burn fossil fuel, and that is one of the things destroying the climate and life on this planet.  So living where you live is a better option.

[Margm]

53 minutes ago, Chocolate said:

As far as RVs go, they burn fossil fuel, and that is one of the things destroying the climate and life on this planet

"The burning of fossil fuels refers to the burning of oil, natural gas, and coal to generate energy. We use this energy to generate electricity, and to power transportation (for example, cars and planes) and industrial processes."

I will admit that I never thought about the diesel we used as harming the atmosphere.  It actually burns less fossil fuel.  But, I do have to admit, going to different places in our regular gas powered truck, I did not have enough sense to compare the two.  

This was just "how I handled the emptiness" that we cannot really ever cover up that hole left in our life.  

[Chocolate]

4 minutes ago, Margm said:

"The burning of fossil fuels refers to the burning of oil, natural gas, and coal to generate energy. We use this energy to generate electricity, and to power transportation (for example, cars and planes) and industrial processes."

I will admit that I never thought about the diesel we used as harming the atmosphere.  It actually burns less fossil fuel.  But, I do have to admit, going to different places in our regular gas powered truck, I did not have enough sense to compare the two.  

This was just "how I handled the emptiness" that we cannot really ever cover up that hole left in our life.  

We are in a climate emergency right now.  Studies, including one done at Oregon State University point to this.  Everything that burns damages the environment.  I'm in the Pacific Northwest.  Our electricity comes from hydroelectric power.  Since we are in the middle of a huge drought in general, at some point there will be none of that either.  The only good power is generated by solar and wind.

True, the hole is there.

[kayc]

I had no idea you are in the PNW, Chocolate!  I live in the mountains above Oakridge, one mile from the Cedar Creek Fire, now FINALLY under control but it burned and emitted major smoke for three months, pretty much destroying the end of summer and early Fall for us...the air was 1600 when I evacuated the second time!  My eyes, throat, nasal passages, and tongue burned, with two air filtration systems going.  

I'm not sure there was the awareness when Marg and Billy lived in their RVs, that there is now.  If I were younger I'd likely have solar power and not a 45 year old mobile home, the garage back needs replaced, last quote was $20,000, it was $2,500 before the pandemic, it rose that much, thought it'd come down, not yet!  All the prices, lumber included, have stayed high, so praying it doesn't fall during the winter...

At least it's beautiful here, I love nature, it's why I've kept my apple trees even though I can't eat them (Diabetes) and they fell over during storms, my yard guy propped them up, the deer can easily reach them now since they go out horizontally more than vertically.  I love to watch them come feed!

Finally got a defensible space around my home, got it done a week ago, trimmed the trees way up, had to take two down completely, and trimmed the bushes back to the property line, the photinia are taller than my house!  And there's a row that started on the property line and every year have to cut it back as it encroaches on my house, now I'll have to be more aggressive with it.  Never thought about the fire danger it could present until this summer, the USFS sent out people to rate our homes, mine was high, so hoping now that is lowered.  45 years here, never knew.

 

[Chocolate]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I had no idea you are in the PNW, Chocolate!  I live in the mountains above Oakridge, one mile from the Cedar Creek Fire, now FINALLY under control but it burned and emitted major smoke for three months, pretty much destroying the end of summer and early Fall for us...the air was 1600 when I evacuated the second time!  My eyes, throat, nasal passages, and tongue burned, with two air filtration systems going.  

 

 

I've  mentioned to you a number of times approximately where I live.  Apparently you forgot. I had smoke from the Cedar Creek Fire off and on since it started, but not as bad as you or Eugene.  I am tucked into the mountain.  I found the latest data online, and the fire is out except for a little smoldering thanks to the recent rain.  I get my television news out of Eugene.  I know it was horrendous for you there.

The fire danger is logical, when one thinks about it.  We haven't had enough rain for years.  The trees are dry and dying from the bottom up. My husband and I cleared out the things growing close too close to the house about 25 years ago.  The problems is that most of the fires this year were caused by lightening.

[Margm]

I googled your area Kay, close to it anyhow and it is beautiful.  

[Chocolate]

8 minutes ago, Margm said:

I googled your area Kay, close to it anyhow and it is beautiful.  

Unfortunately a lot of areas like where she lives now have dead black trees sticking up all over the place.  All of the west has burn scars now.  It's worse every year.  My grief is exacerbated by this.

[Margm]

One year (while RVing) we toured through an area in southern New Mexico.  It was a paradise.  Unfortunately, like in other places, the parts that help make it beautiful are subject to the things that make it dangerous to droughts, the storms come with not enough rain but lightening (and sometime humans) will destroy beautiful nature.  I told Billy it would be another lifetime before people could enjoy that destroyed area as much as we did.  In looking at the homes the tornadoes hit this week in the ArkLaTex, I noticed some homes that were leveled had been there for a family's lifetime.  Now they were just boards collapsed and scattered.  The people in southern Louisiana will rebuild and the next hurricane will blow them away again.  I'm sure this happens in Florida too.  

Kay, I'm glad you were spared the fire.  You suffered the smoke and inhalation.  Somehow, those destroyed areas will bloom and grow again, flowers long forgotten will bloom, and life will go on for those of us who have not left.  I wonder if Billy is getting to flyfish, if my dad is playing in some heavenly band, and if my mom and her sisters are allowed to all get together and fuss constantly, because it would not be heaven if they could not fuss. Grandma will look at Jesus and tell him to handle them, they are no longer her problem. 

One day we will know.  

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Chocolate said:

Unfortunately a lot of areas like where she lives now have dead black trees sticking up all over the place.  All of the west has burn scars now.  It's worse every year.  My grief is exacerbated by this.

Not what I see on my walks and neighborhood, there's a mile in between.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Chocolate said:

I've  mentioned to you a number of times approximately where I live.  Apparently you forgot. I had smoke from the Cedar Creek Fire off and on since it started, but not as bad as you or Eugene.  I am tucked into the mountain.  I found the latest data online, and the fire is out except for a little smoldering thanks to the recent rain.  I get my television news out of Eugene.  I know it was horrendous for you there.

You still didn't say where, but that's okay.  (Which Mountain?  There's lots of them!)  Somewhere in these whereabouts.  I get local channels from Eugene like KEZI and KVAL, but I use Dish so it has channels from all over.

 

[Chocolate]

kayc, you may not see the burned trees, but they are there and they are there with every burn.  It's horrible all over the place in places where there are massive fires. This time they will not grow back they way they were because of the lack of normal amounts of rain.  The jet stream no longer brings the rain we used to get because the ocean has warmed up.  We've hit a point of no return. People don't seem to realize what the climate change really means.

I did tell you before that I was in the Coast Range and how far away I was.  I won't repeat it.  The reason I am not more specific is because it is not a good idea to have a person's location out there.  There are computer programs that can scan websites, collect the information and use it for purposes of identity theft.  My husband worked in the computer software field.  He knew exactly how a person could do that.

[Margm]

Knowing my old address, I can pull up a picture of my home and it still has our truck in front.  I guess it would be easy to find someone if one's mind was turned that way.  Living in flatland, having lived in beautiful mountains, I prefer the mountains, but that was mine and Billy's life.  I no longer live that life.  I live mine w/o Billy.  I do feel safer than where I did live, since I live without Billy's human presence.  And, I guess all this safety I feel is only in my mind, but that is where I live at this moment in time.  Politics bother me.  The world situation bothers me.  Sometimes I try to do my part, I do not buy plastic bottles because of the places they will finally wind up.  I do not try to fool myself, I am one person, I can vote, I am not of the same "thinking" as my friends and won't go into the politics anymore.  I am different, but different from what or whom?  I do not try to find the street you live on, but knowing some live in the PNW, some live in the Atlantic states, some live in the heartland, some live in the west.  I don't know you, but knowing what state or area you live in gives me a look into mountains, valleys, oceans, countries.  We are all different, but we are all here for the same reason, I would only imagine. As I get older, I find I repeat myself more and actually might forget what you said, although you find it might be important, and it is to you.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” C.S. Lews in "A Grief Observed."  

We all feel grief and fear.  I will never come to your house.  Somehow knowing in what area you live, and I don't mean any single person, I mean "y'all," that brings me closer to "knowing you."  We try to be "incognito" but we know each other.  And that helps us with our empathy for the other person.  We are all human. Frailties follow.  We try to lift each other up from those.   

 

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Chocolate said:

The reason I am not more specific is because it is not a good idea to have a person's location out there. 

I get that.

17 hours ago, Margm said:

Somehow knowing in what area you live, and I don't mean any single person, I mean "y'all," that brings me closer to "knowing you." 

I don't really worry about anyone trying to find me here, they'd get lost along the way!  Ha!  even my XH never found me here and I know he tried, years ago.  I have my alerter (Kodie) and gun, so do my neighbors. 

[Margm]

I don't think anyone tries to "find" anyone on here, but when any part of the country has bad weather, even not sure we live in the part that has the bad weather, we all wish safety for each other and even small things bring a small amount of comfort.  

There is so little trust in this world, so much anger, so many things we cannot do anything about but scream to the moon, and it just smiles back at us.

Yet we do come on here for comfort, for  people who go through what we go through, for help in this forever lasting storm.  A hand reached out to help, and that is all a metaphor, we cannot really touch that hand, but we somehow feel it, wherever we are located. (I'm sorry for double letters, double spaces, double periods.  My hands shake.  I do not think that flu shot helped my "get up and go" yesterday late.  But, I've got to get up and go vote anyhow  (Secret (I do not really like to vote), I do not like politicians. 

[kayc]

You aren't alone, Marg!  Don't trust them.  I voted Sunday (we have mail in ballots, I take mine to the police station.

 

[Widow2015]

3 hours ago, Margm said:

  (Secret (I do not really like to vote), I do not like politicians. 

Marg:  I second your feelings on politicians; also don't like how they spend our taxes, nor do I trust them.  Glad you got out and voted.  Dee 😊

[KarenK]

Glad it's finally over! I'm really sick of all the "potshot" ads. "Clean Elections" my ass. What a joke!

[kayc]

Not happy about local results but it was very close and still nothing official (as in over) yet.

[Widow2015]

And now the 2024 lies and promises begin! 🤪Dee

[Chocolate]

On 11/8/2022 at 3:56 AM, kayc said:

I get that.

I don't really worry about anyone trying to find me here, they'd get lost along the way!  Ha!  even my XH never found me here and I know he tried, years ago.  I have my alerter (Kodie) and gun, so do my neighbors. 

The issue is not anyone showing up at your house.  The issue is bots out there collecting data on a person.  They put it all together, open accounts in your  name and your are liable for the bills they create. That's what having one's identity stolen is about.  Most people who experience this are financially ruined.  No one is exempt from this.

[Gwenivere]

I didn’t vote yesterday because I’ve been so depressed.  Feel bad about that because I can’t complain about anything.  Also not trying to be part of solutions.  I definitely won’t miss the mail and commercials.