So Much Ahead But So Empty...

[gabrielle_land]

I lost my boyfriend almost a month ago now. The most wonderful three years of my life. He died from an intestine infection. He was the light of my days and we thought seriously about marriage after I finished with my studies, we made plans about children, everything a young couple thinks of. Now that he's gone my life seems as empty.. he was my whole life and I couldn't see my future if it wasn't without him in it. I feel as if I have nothing else left now and how unfair can life be. I'm just 23 years old and I know Im young, and everybody keeps telling me so, but youth means nothing to me and the whole life I have ahead when I know I'll never grow old with him at my side, I'll never get to the altar with him or have kids together. The best part of me died and I feel I'm just here without any reason.. I cry and speak to him every day..it's such a terrible pain..I really love him and I dont think I may one day stop feeling it.

[Guest PattiZ54]

Gabrielle - I know it seems hopeless, right now. I am SO sorry for your recent loss - It sounds like it was very unexpected. I know people keep telling you that you are young and have your whole life ahead of you, but I can understand how you feel about not having "him" in your life. I lost my husband of 20years in Nov. 2004. He was the love of my life and I miss him terribly!! I still cry, but not as much and not as often, so I know that in time things do seem better. Your loss is still so new that it's hard to believe that because right now you think you will never get over it and you won't get "over" it, but you WILL get through it. Life is funny like that...

I'm 51 and people tell me how "young" I am and that I will find someone again someday....don't even know if I want to. I would like someone to do things with someday - maybe just companionship. Don't know if I could ever have an intimate relationship with anyone again or not. Even after 20 months, still the only person I "want" is my husband...and I know that can't happen.

I can understand the love that you had for your boyfriend and I'm so sorry that the plans you both had won't happen, but hopefully someday you can have a relationship with someone else that will make you just as happy. People say that you can't ever have the same kind of relationship as you had before, but there are lots of ways to "love" someone. We'll just have to hope for one of those.

Hugs to you and my thoughts are with you. We are always here to listen and to try to help in anyway we can. PLEASE keep coming here. There are some wonderful and understanding people on this site. Remember...we've all been where you are!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/2004; I love & miss you, Dear!)

[kellymarie]

Gabrielle, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. When I first found this site in May, I felt like I was the only one to lose a boyfriend. But sadly, as the months pass, it seems more of us keep showing up here. I also felt like I was the only person my age (27 years old) to lose someone so dear. But also there are many of us here too young to experience such a loss and such pain. And to hear that you lost your boyfriend only a month ago sounds so very painful. I'm at 4 and half months, and I remember one month still being in shock with dreadful raw pain. I was in a fog; reality wasn't reality. It's so strange to feel so young with your future drastically changed. I would have never imagined this is how my life would be at this point. This weekend I am planning to visit family at a cabin in the mountains. I am glad to see my family but I am also scared because the last time I went, Josh was alive, in my life, and we were so in love. On the way up to the cabin, I stopped at the store to pick up some light reading material. I picked up two wedding magazines, something like Modern Bride, and spent the weekend thinking about what type of engagement ring I would like, where we should have our wedding, what types of dresses and bridesmaid dresses I might like, and on and on. Josh thought this was so cute; we were so excited. But this year, I'll be driving alone and will try not to cry the whole way there and back. Maybe some crying but I don't want to get into an accident; Josh died on the highway when someone hit him directly. Anyways, I am so sorry you have experienced such a painful loss of your love but I am glad you have found this site. There are many wonderful people here to share with and who really understand what you are going through. Kelly

Oh, also, something I learned by talking to other people on this site, you never have to stop loving your boyfriend and he will never stop loving you. KayC wrote it so beautifully here to me:

"You are so young to have to go through this...don't even try to compare your loss to someone who has lived their life with their mate though, your loss is just as great to you, none of us can compare, we all experience our losses and each one is paramount in our own hearts. Love at first sight is a "start" but it is consideration and respect and little kindnesses and grace that grows love into something truly powerful and worthwhile...and those are things built with effort...although some people are so easy to love it seems effortless to love them. Perhaps someday you will build a life with someone and have a family...right now it's too hard to think of...there are seasons in life. But if that happens, don't try to compare that person to Josh or expect him to be at all like him...what you had with Josh is gone forever...until you meet at last again, but if you build something with someone else at some point in your life, it must be uniquely yours and his and you must start from scratch and remember to apply that effort. You will always carry you and Josh's love in your heart and for the rest of your life you will carry with you the remembrance that you are loved...I say "are" not "were" because I don't believe it diminishes when they die, but rather we are no longer able to see each other face to face and tell each other, but it is still there, it is in our hearts, in our faith, in our hope, in our memories, and it is forever and it can never be robbed from us, no matter what. Try not to worry about your future, it is natural to wonder, but it will take care of itself in due time, please believe that. Right now it is hard to imagine and that's because this is all so fresh, so intense, so hard. Just be very very kind to yourself and so full of grace, that is what Josh would want for you. Each of us who have loved so deeply must be very thankful that we have had this and cherish it in our hearts for safekeeping." Thanks Kay, that has meant so much to me!!

[kayc]

Another young person, another heart that is broken, another soul that is inconsolable...I am so sorry. 23. That is younger than my own daughter. You are right, you do have your whole life ahead. And now everything is changed in an instant. It doesn't mean your life is without meaning and there will be nothing good in it...it is just so hard to see right now. I know. It took me my lifetime to find my George and we were only married 3 years and 8 months...we had only just begun. You didn't even get that and that seems terribly unfair. I am so sorry. My sister in law lost her fiance when she was just 21...she later married my brother in law. They have had a good life together and a wonderful son...but she never forgot her other love...nor should she ever have to. Each relationship enriches us, teaches us, leaves us with something we didn't have before, and none are the same. Right now you have a lot of grieving inside of you...I can't say you'll ever get over him, you probably won't, but you will learn to live with it and take him with you. You will eventually be able to smile inside at your memories together and think back about him with fondness and love instead of so much pain, but that will take time, and you must grant yourself that. And perhaps for the rest of your life you may on ocassion spring into tears and miss him, but you will eventually have good things in your life too...new friends, new experiences, new joys, and yes, even new tears. Life is that way, it changes, and the older we get, hopefully, we learn to adapt...sometimes it's better than other times. Right now is one of the hardest times in your life, but it will get better.

[chrissy777]

Gabrielle,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am 24 and just lost my husband of 2 years on July 5th 2006. I know for me one of the worst things about his death being so quick and unexpected was I didnt get the closure i feel I needed. I dont know if that was your case but I wasnt able to tell him goodbye our be with him to hold his hand as he died. People tell me how young I am and I know it doent make a difference if you were married or not when you share your entire life with someone and they are taken from you it feels like you died to, its oddbecause you have to keep on living. No one around you can truely understand how you feel. People tell me I will find someone again someday and that just seems so unbelievable because you feel you lost your one and only. Well Im sorry to go on about me. I am so sorry take care and God bless.

[kayc]

Chrissy777,

You are not "going on about you", you are sharing your experience, and that helps to let her know she is not alone nor the only young person to go through this. And it really doesn't help that people say you'll find someone else because that seems unbelievable to you and you aren't ready to hear that...if you will ever want to give that a try is up to you and in your timetable. I hated it when people would tell me that, as if that is comforting when you've lost your soulmate, the person you long to be with. It is the depth of the relationship that determines the level of grieving, not how old we are or how long we were married or even IF we were married. There are some people who have been married 50 years for convenience, and there are others who were married two years and were best of friends, lovers, partners, and their heart feels ripped out when they suffer loss of that magnatude. Thank you for sharing, your thoughts and feelings help someone else going through it.

[gabrielle_land]

Patti, thanks for your words…I’m very sorry for the loss of your husband… death is such a painful thing.. I had never experienced it until this year, and yes, it was unexpected.. Christophe was diagnosed a year ago with this "virus" in his intestine but we thought it was controlled. He was supposedly cured but he told me he was seriously sick in June 14th, I had no idea… he fell unconscious that same night, visits where restricted, couldn’t see him and after a painful week he passed away June 23rd.

I understand when you say that after 20 months it’s him you still want.. I guess time may pass by but love doesn’t..

I’m glad I found this site, hugs for you too and thank you once again.

Kelly, I’m sorry for your sudden loss of Josh… I know that non-reality feeling you speak about.. how I wish it could be so, just waking up from a very bad dream =( It’ strange to feel that your life has changed in a blink of an eye.. to feel you don’t know were you’re standing anymore and so scared..

Those thoughts about wedding plans that you speak about, they are probably one of the most sweetest and happiest memories one may keep, but at the same time so painful.. when you speak about the magazines, the dresses, the type of wedding and knowing he wanted it just as much as you did, I think about those memories as a beautiful treasure we both shared. We both worked in the design area, and I remember how excited he was about the engagement ring since he wanted to design it, and for me that was so meaningful, just to think about it brings tears to my eyes…

Kayc’s words are beautiful, and I believe it so too, that love doesn’t die and that their love is in and around us always. It’s something that nobody can take away. She’s right those moments will always be very unique and for that reason they are now extremely valuable to me.

Kayc, I’m looking forward for the day in which I may start to smile again and learn to live with it. These days have been so painful and confusing, but I know you all understand what I’m going through, you’ve been all here in this same spot and you have learned and accepted it and hopefully someday I will.

Chrissy sweetie, I’m so very sorry for your loss, so little time has passed since it. I wasn’t able to be with my Chris when he passed away.. I understand your feeling and how much that has been hurting you, and you’re right, it just doesn’t look as an option to find somebody else right now, when you feel you already found him… a guy told me some couple of days ago “you’re acting weird, just get used to it..” or “you’ll get a new one” some people speak about it as if its something you get in a store, they don’t remember he once lived, had friends, loved and gave you so much happiness.. I’m glad you posted, and as Kayc said, it helps to know one isn’t alone in this painful time, and I’m here to listen whenever you want to share about how you feel, and again thank you all for your support. God bless you too, hugs,

Gaby

[kayc]

I wasn't able to be with my husband either when he passed away, and it has continued to haunt me. When he started having his last heart attack, I ran and got the nurses and they came to the room and threw me out, literally, clear off the ward. I don't understand why I couldn't be there with him when he "passed on" to the next world, we were always there for each other, and it's really hard for me that I couldn't be there to speak reassurance to him, I love him so much, and I was his world, how could they throw me out like I was just nothing?

To have someone tell you "you'll find someone else" is so wrong. I just had this discussion with a friend of mine this week...she had told me that. I told her that NO ONE should tell someone that, I know they mean well and are trying to bring us encouragement, but that isn't encouraging, it feels like they are devaluing our relationship and we weren't ready to let go of it, it was ripped from us, it's not like a divorce, we still want the marriage.

No amount of time makes you "get over it"...it's just a gradually seeping-in-understanding that we can't change it...and that takes time.

[AnnC]

I am so sorry to hear of these losses. It really is the love that you feel that determines your grief, not the legal relationship. I was divorced from my husband of 12 years more than 20 years ago because he learned he was gay, but we were still dear friends, and when he died I was devastated. So many people have said, "Why do you care, he was only your ex!" They have no clue, and no right to say something like that.

I heard something I liked about the idea of "finding someone else". It was that it wouldn't be any kind of replacement. It was that after a long time (whatever time was right for the individual), you could take that love and relationship you still cherish about your soulmate, and share it with someone else. That may be something that happens for some people, and others may not want that, which is also fine. It's no one else's business. My friend told me how upset she was that someone told her recently widowed mother to take off her wedding rings. My friend said it was no one's business but her mother's, and she would wear those rings as long as she wanted to. In fact, I wear mine on the other hand, on different fingers, as a remembrance.

I wasn't with my ex-husband when he died either, and I wish I had been.

Gaby, I was startled to see that you posted that Christophe died on June 23rd. My former husband died on June 23, 2004.

I just get tired of that attitude from others that you have to "move on" and "find another one" to prove you are okay now. As a psychologist in grief and death told me, it's ridiculous to expect people to put the memories aside and forget those they love who have died. You're never going to forget your dearly loved one, and that's as it should be. You will take their love and your memories with you for the rest of your life, whether later you share that life with someone else or not. We have nothing to prove to anyone else.

[kayc]

I agree with AnnC...and it's interesting that my husband died 6/19/05...we have so many with painful reminders in June...it was also his birthday 6/14.

One thing we really have to do is get really assertive...I just spoke with a friend who recently lost her husband (two weeks ago) and she was telling me how her daughter wanted her to move...we need to not let people bulldoze us around...I know they love us and mean well, but we alone know what's right for us and the answer won't be the same for everyone. I remember when I was having problems with a sister who was upset with me for not selling my home and moving and I finally told her, "I'll tell you what, when your husband dies, I'll tell YOU what to do!" That shut her up. I don't know why they can't see what they're doing to us and at a time when we really don't need it! We need people around who are supportive and listen rather than taking over. We need to wear our rings...or not...to see someone...or not...to move...or not...it has to be OUR decisions and their job should be to respect our decisions!

Edited July 25, 2006 by kayc

[ann]

gabrielle,

i am very sorry to hear about your loss. please know that i am praying for u, and for everything that u are going through now. it is good that u are able to talk about your pain with us. ur pain is very fresh, i dont know what to say to help lessen it. but we are always here to listen to you, and we care.

this site has helped me a lot in dealing with my own loss, and i do hope it can help u too.

[gabrielle_land]

Ann, thank you for your words, ur prayers and your support. It does help to know that there is one place whre you can be heard and understood.. Sometimes I locked up with all this inside because there isn't one person around who will really listen or understand.. today a "friend" of mine got upset at me and brought up my boyfriend's topic and said "yeah, yeah, keep on crying for your imaginary boyfriend". That was like spreading some salt over the wound.. I wish sometimes to avoid people.. it's better to stay by myself than listening things that may hurt..

[chrissy777]

Gabrielle,

Isnt it funny how you think people are going to react and how they actually do. No one can understand what we have gone through unless they have as well. (Although I wouldnt wish this pain on my worse of enemies.) My own sister at times leaves me wondering she tries to compare me losing my husband while pregnant to her being alone while she was pregnant. She said to me remember when I was pregnant I had no one and no one called me like they call you. She is upset because my aunt from a different state has been calling me everyday since my husband died. I have learned to just roll my eyes and avoid some people. I have also come to find that some people are worth keeping around even if they dont want to listen to much at least its a distraction. Well I hope you have people around that are supportive, but its always nice to know we can come here to talk to others who care. God Bless.

Chrissy

[kayc]

"keep on crying for your imaginary boyfriend"???? What kind of a thing is that to say? You are kinder than I am if you keep this "friend" around! You are also wise beyond your years to have the ability to recognize that some people are worthwhile even if they don't get how to respond to grief properly, that they have other purpose even if they aren't helping in our present situation. But still, there has to be a balance, we can only take so much of being around these kind of people and hearing these kind of remarks, we have to have some supportiveness around us...and it's perfectly okay to make a comeback to such remarks and if it offends the "offender"...oh well!!!

[ann]

gabrielle,

u can always pour out ur feelings to us, and we will understand coz we have gone through the same experience too. and i think it is really better than hearing ur friend's selfish remark. we are here to listen to u..

[Brooke]

I understand what you are saying I lost my finace 1 month a ago in a work related truck accident, he was killed instantly and I never got to say good bye. I am 26 years old with a 2 month old son, who looks identical to his father.I made a journey back east to be with his family and allow them to meet his son for the fist time, it brought tears as the only time I had been there was two years ago with him, I'm not sure where I found the strength then or now, but something tells me his is giving me his, because he was such a strong person. Our son Tanner is also giving me the strength to go on he keeps me busy, something to get out of bed everday for, sometimes I cry when I look at him, but the good thing is I get to see Trevor every day in my son's face.

[kellymarie]

Brooke, I am so sorry to hear about your loss and that you have to go through this. Sudden deaths in accidents are just so unexpected and crazy, especially since we are so young (I was 26 when Josh died, I turned 27 the day after I flew home from his funeral). Death isn't on our radar at all! Never, ever would I have thought Josh would be dead now. Ever. They also say that Josh died instantly. But no one was there so we don't really know.

I do think that's wonderful that you found the strength to travel and visit Trevor's family with your little Tanner. I'm sure that it was so wonderful for them to see Tanner. I do think that Trevor was helping you out, giving you some strength to go through something difficult. I made it through that trip I was talking about, and it some how made me feel a bit empowered because I was able to do it alone. You must have alot of strength to take care of a new baby and having just lost your love. I am so sorry you have had such a loss. But I am glad you found this website. It is how I survived those early months. I could not have done it alone. I'm now at 5 months and, amazingly, doing better. I still cry, still have upsetting thoughts, but it nothing like the horrible beginning. Although you may feel horribly alone, know that you have just found a new "family" that is here for you whenever you need us. Kelly

[kayc]

I too am sorry for your loss and all the more because you're so young to go through it. It's good that you keep in touch with his family, Tanner needs to know both sides of the family. Keep coming back here, this is a wonderful site with some really caring people on it.