kayc Posted October 21, 2022 Report Share Posted October 21, 2022 Quite honestly, please don't beat yourself up for being human, you didn't know. Normally a person would extend your grace. Personally I believe she'd have shut you out regardless, some seem to respond in this way, while others like myself do not. You don't know until they are in that situation. You are fine...be extra patient and kind and understanding to yourself, you focus on you and be around supportive people, after all, you are very much grieving as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 21, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2022 5 hours ago, kayc said: Quite honestly, please don't beat yourself up for being human, you didn't know. Normally a person would extend your grace. Personally I believe she'd have shut you out regardless, some seem to respond in this way, while others like myself do not. You don't know until they are in that situation. You are fine...be extra patient and kind and understanding to yourself, you focus on you and be around supportive people, after all, you are very much grieving as well. Yeah, I've read a bunch of these and definitely see that there is a type of person that pushes relationships away when they're grieving. Perhaps my gf was this type of person. But perhaps its because the relationship was too new for her to pull me closer during this? Or perhaps she was having doubts about the relationship, and those thoughts were distracting from the grief she was consumed by. Either way, I came to represent pressure and stress, and guilt, and I don't think there's any undoing that. Especially with her having completely shut me out. I wish we could talk and understand each other and she could realize that we're great together, and remember all of the amazing adventures we'd be going on if we were still together. I realize I sound like everyone else that has posted in this forum that eventually had to learn to let it go... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 22, 2022 Report Share Posted October 22, 2022 7 hours ago, LookingToImprove said: Either way, I came to represent pressure and stress, and guilt, and I don't think there's any undoing that. Especially with her having completely shut me out. Regardless she would still have felt that way, of her own making, there is NOTHING you could have done to have prevented this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 22, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2022 I don’t know about that. If I had just backed off and given her time and space instead of seeking validation and reassurance she wouldn’t have broken up with me, and probably would have appreciated me for being understanding during the early days of her grieving. But instead I was weak and needy which turned her off and pushed her away. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 22, 2022 Report Share Posted October 22, 2022 Going over the "what ifs" and "if onlys" again and again will only bring you down. What is done is done. What matters now is recognize whatever lessons you can learn from this experience. As long as you had to go through all of this pain, make it count for something. What might you learn from this? How might you use it to grow and to become the man you want to be? ❤️ 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 22, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2022 I’m definitely looking inward and learning what I can from this situation. It’s hard not to beat myself up when I feel like I could still be in a relationship with this amazing woman if I had just been less selfish and more understanding of what she was going through… 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 22, 2022 Report Share Posted October 22, 2022 7 hours ago, LookingToImprove said: when I feel like I could still be in a relationship with this amazing woman if I had just been You don't know this. There's a type and she is one of them, they break up, they can't handle the stress even if only implied in her mind. You will likely go through the what ifs and drive yourself crazy in the process though, because this is a PROCESS and it doesn't come overnight. I did much the same and if I went back and read my story I'm sure I'd see that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boho-Soul Posted October 22, 2022 Report Share Posted October 22, 2022 On 10/21/2022 at 11:03 AM, LookingToImprove said: I came to represent pressure and stress, and guilt, and I don't think there's any undoing that. That's your perspective, she also had/has stress etc. associated with her loss, so don't dump that on yourself. If you keep allowing yourself to be looped into those unhealthy thought patterns it'll just cause you further undue mental and emotional stress. You somehow have to work on accepting the reality of this situation. It's like you're trying to put the fallen leaves back on the tree just because you miss the summer. You can undo the past, so figure out how you can move through this season of your life. 14 hours ago, LookingToImprove said: I feel like I could still be in a relationship with this amazing woman if I had just been less selfish and more understanding of what she was going through… The "if I had just..." is living in the past, and you saying, "you feel like you could still be in a relationship with this woman," is future based. Sounds like you've created a storyline based on a possible future with her and since it's not unfolding as you hoped you're now experiencing the loss of what could be. If you're locked into ruminating about the past and mourning over what the future could have been you'll be stuck and miss out on the now. Live in the present, as hard, sad and heartbreaking as it is. Seriously, focus on you and on the present, without regrets of the past or expectations of the future. Let go of the stories. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 23, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2022 Thanks Boho-soul. Very poetic and profound advice. There's no doubt you're correct. It is just hard, and right now I feel very sad and rejected, and just confused as to how she could completely shut me out. I know this is incredibly painful for her, and she just has to tend to her own pain and grief. I just feel really unconsidered, and rejected. I know this isn't uncommon for this kind of situation, and that I'll eventually accept and get over it. It's just hard right now. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boho-Soul Posted October 23, 2022 Report Share Posted October 23, 2022 1 hour ago, LookingToImprove said: I know this isn't uncommon for this kind of situation, and that I'll eventually accept and get over it. It's just hard right now. Early days/months of any loss is hard. I get that you feel rejected, and your feelings are valid. Just show yourself a lot of self acceptance and love at this time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 23, 2022 Report Share Posted October 23, 2022 Yes, my advice exactly! And we understand it's hard, like I said, this is a process... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 31, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2022 I ended up writing her a long email saying all of the things I wanted to convey. She responded pretty immediately with a very clear email saying that she needs space, and when I contact her it feels like I don't value her need for space, though she knows from having been in my shoes that that's not what I'm intending. She said she chalks this up "mostly to circustances". She said "if and when" she's ready to contact me, she will. What's hard to understand is that she's been spending time with friends, and going out. I know from what I've read on this forum that she's able to spend time with friends because they don't represent the pressure and stress I came to represent to her. I just don't understand why she doesn't want any contact with me at all. I've got some hope that if I give her space that maybe with time we can start fresh and try to be in a relationship again. But its a bit confusing that she can't handle any kind of communication with me right now. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 31, 2022 Report Share Posted October 31, 2022 5 minutes ago, LookingToImprove said: She responded pretty immediately with a very clear email saying that she needs space, and when I contact her it feels like I don't value her need for space, She responded to your long email (saying all the things you felt a need to say) by telling you in no uncertain terms what she wants and needs from you. As hard as it is for you to do so, you would be wise to heed her words. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted October 31, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2022 Oh definitely. I'm explicitly clear on what she's asked of me, and what she needs, and I don't intend to violate or disrespect that need. Am I a fool for holding on to hope? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 31, 2022 Report Share Posted October 31, 2022 21 minutes ago, LookingToImprove said: Am I a fool for holding on to hope? I would never say that it's foolish to be hopeful ~ but holding onto something that may not ever be just keeps you stuck. You can't hold onto a relationship forever if you're the only one holding onto it. See if this article speaks to you in a helpful way: 7 Quotes that Will Stop You from Holding On When You Should Let Go ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 31, 2022 Report Share Posted October 31, 2022 7 hours ago, LookingToImprove said: She said "if and when" she's ready to contact me, she will. What's hard to understand is that she's been spending time with friends, and going out. I know from what I've read on this forum that she's able to spend time with friends because they don't represent the pressure and stress I came to represent to her. I just don't understand why she doesn't want any contact with me at all. Because you represent stress/pressure...also perhaps guilt for the time she spent with you and not her parent. It doesn't have to make logical sense, she's running by feelings right now. It's important you back off and allow her the space! I didn't understand why Jim felt this way too when we went through it (see my thread "Here I Go Again." It shows everything I went through at that time as it unfolded! 7 hours ago, LookingToImprove said: I've got some hope that if I give her space that maybe with time we can start fresh and try to be in a relationship again. And what gives you that hope? The hundreds of threads here that all ended and stayed ended? It doesn't look well, I would focus on myself, and my family and friends...leave the future with the future. I'm afraid you're setting yourself up for a letdown by continuing to hope/act on that and by inserting yourself unwanted into her life. 7 hours ago, MartyT said: She responded to your long email (saying all the things you felt a need to say) by telling you in no uncertain terms what she wants and needs from you. As hard as it is for you to do so, you would be wise to heed her words. Amen! One can never say never but unlikely is pretty possible, esp. if you keep bugging her.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted November 7, 2022 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2022 What I still struggle to understand is how she went from sending me thoughtful gifts and a sweet note expressing how much I mean to her, to a few days later suddenly and abruptly severing all communication with me, without a conversation. I realize that on my birthday I was wounded and needy, and that made me come to represent pressure and stress at a time when she had no bandwidth for that. But its been over a month later, and she's not reached out to me at all. It would help me a lot to be able to talk to her. I didn't do anything to warrant being shut out completely... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 7, 2022 Report Share Posted November 7, 2022 My dear, no one here is saying that you did anything wrong, or that you deserve the treatment you're receiving from this person. The challenge for you is to find a way to live with the fact that she has, indeed, shut you out of her life ~ and you may never receive an explanation that makes any sense to you. You might ask yourself: Is this the sort of person / relationship / treatment YOU want to hold onto? I am so sorry that this has happened to you . . . 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted November 7, 2022 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2022 I don’t hold it against her because she doesn’t even know herself right now. I don’t feel like this is indicative of how she is as a person, but just in this situation. And I think she knows that about how I handled this situation as well. But it just seems like a conversation would be worth having. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 7, 2022 Report Share Posted November 7, 2022 15 minutes ago, LookingToImprove said: it just seems like a conversation would be worth having No disagreement there ~ but having a conversation requires the participation of both parties, and the willingness to have it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boho-Soul Posted November 7, 2022 Report Share Posted November 7, 2022 3 hours ago, LookingToImprove said: But its been over a month later, and she's not reached out to me at all. It would help me a lot to be able to talk to her. I didn't do anything to warrant being shut out completely. As Marty said, you may never receive an explanation that makes sense. In my own grief and growth journey I've come across a phrase - "Let it be". It's something I've embraced as sometimes one has to move forward without answers. Let It Be: It's about leaving things as they are, or how it will be. Stop being involved as you don't hold the strings and aren't responsible for everything — don't interfere with it, disturb it or prevent it from happening. Leave it alone. Let It Go: It's about trying to achieve resolution by forgetting whatever is troubling you. It's action based which implies effort to rid ourselves of the thoughts and feelings. But one cannot shrug off thoughts and feelings or remove them. Here a link to a site with an interesting 8 minute read article. https://firstaidforfeelings.com/blog/let-it-go-versus-let-it-be-which-is-more-helpful/ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingToImprove Posted November 7, 2022 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2022 For sure. I’m working on letting it be and letting it go. But I also feel that things didn’t work out because of the horrible situation, and how new our relationship was, and that with time the ground will be fertile again to see what could be between us. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boho-Soul Posted November 7, 2022 Report Share Posted November 7, 2022 You need to bank on what is right now, not what could be. No one has a crystal ball predicating the future, and it isn't wise to create a mental 'what if' or 'what could be' story. It appears that you're engaging in mental rumination. Rumination can either be reflective or brooding. Reflective thinking provides a chance for one to reflect on behaviors and consequences while not letting past events affect their daily life. Brooding or repetitive thinking about the same event causes distress while hoping to solve or resolve, and it can lead to negative moods and opinions of oneself. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 9, 2022 Report Share Posted November 9, 2022 Boho-Soul put it so aptly. I didn't mean to offend you or imply YOU did something wrong, way back in the beginning of this thread I told you it is nothing you said or did! That still holds. But continuing to make contact with her when she's requested space is not honoring to her and will not gain what you want. Perhaps nothing will. It is not about her at this point, it's about you and your life, and doing your best to honor yourself, by focusing on yourself, your family, your friends, bettering yourself, at least that's what I've found going forward and many others as well, although none of us could see that at the time of break up. I don't see there is a (good) reason on break up due to grief, but more about how SHE responds in grief, beyond any of our control. 13 years later and I'm just now finding out my ex was still married when we were engaged! I haven't dated since, not because I'm hung up on him but because I've just been through enough...and is that overstating it! Trust me, if she is meant to be yours, she will come back to you, if not, there's nothing you can say/do to change it. JMO... Sending you big hugs and hopes you have a better day... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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