How Long

[andrea]

it was my sisters 3 year annivarsry on the 19th july this year and i dont think the pain gets any less i cried from the moment i opened my eyes that morning i had to walk around with sunglasses on all day. me and my family went up to the cemetry to lay some flowers and the pain was unberable at times (people say time heals) my sisters children seem to be getting over her death better than me does any 1 feel the same has me i feel if im enjoying myself i start to feel guilty and i know my sister wouldnt want that she was the life and soul of the party but i cant help it thankyou andrea xx

[Maylissa]

andrea,

Feeling intense grief again on anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, or even other, more minor occasions ( even from certain songs or visual triggers, for example ) is a common phenomenom of loss. So unless you can still rate your daily grief as as intense as during the first few months of grief ( in which case you might want to seek the help of a grief counselor or other grief professional ), you can consider yourself as normal as anyone else who's suffered a major loss. Our grief can reoccur as if it were yesterday on such occasions and while it's difficult to deal with these upsurges, it doesn't mean you're going crazy....you're still just mourning an important loss to you.

Likewise, guilt is one of the most common features of grief and can take many forms. I still suffer little pangs of it at times when having a good time, but not nearly as often as during the first 2 years, and in fact, when I can set the guilt aside and carry on having a good time, it's cause for celebration so I welcome these respites from sorrow. If you're finding this very problematic in how you function in daily life, you might want to see someone ( as above ) to see if there's something you haven't discovered yet that's holding you back from this aspect of healing. You might just have some as-yet-hidden blocks, or unresolved, unfinished business with your sister that merits looking at and a professional could help you unravel that. I CAN tell you that if someone has had a drinking problem and that contributed to their death, it takes a lot of inner work to resolve grief....had the same issue to contend with in my own family. Since I don't know anything about what your relationship with her was like, it's hard to guess what might be going on, if anything, or if it's just that your grief is going to take longer to heal from. There are so many factors to consider, it's really hard to say. But if it's any help, I had much guilt from our furbaby's death that I had to work through and it took me about 6 long years to get anywhere with it...it's now at a level I can cope with for the most part. But I DID feel guilty about having a good time for about 3 years from that loss. It wasn't until I got counseling for later losses that I was more able to address those guilty feelings more readily, and some other steps I took as well helped me finally lay most of that to rest. Guilt's a 'toughie', that's for sure!

[andrea]

thankyou for you kind words i have read your message over and over again and i have decide to make an appointment with my doctor and have a chat to him about the way i feel thankyou so much hug and kisses to every 1 that need them xxxxxxxxxxx andrea

[STARKISS]

Hi Maylissa,

You are right on the nose with your post, I know I have two losts and their first anniversaries are coming up and I miss both of them so very much. I know that it is especially when some occassions are happening. I feel so sad but know in time I will not miss them as much. As someone told me time will tell. Take care and Thank you for all your wonderful and caring posts that you have written. Shelley