When Do I Stop Feeling So Tired And Numb

[Donald]

Hello,

I buried my little brother (age 47) a week ago yesterday. He died suddenly in his sleep. I cannot seem to reach my emotions. My brain keeps switching channels when I think of him. I handled all the arrangements as my dad is 82 and ill. My mother died in 1995, so now it is just my dad and I. I am so tired and often feel feverish and ill. I continue to operate in a robot type fashison. How long before I get in touch with my emotions? Is my brain protecting me? Should I try to force getting in touch with my emotions or let it come in its own time. Does the longer it takes to catch up emotionally cause the connection to be more difficult and does it tend to be more explosive? Is this all normal? I have lost many loved ones but each time it is different. So far this has been the most physically exhausting experience of my life. I am afraid of what the emotional experience might bring about. I fear of losing control and not being able to handle my life day to day. I can barely hang right now. If anyone would be so kind as to help me with some of my questions, I welcome any comments. Donald

[dpodesta]

Donald, right now you are probably still in shock. I know for myself after my wife died that it took awhile for me to start feeling again. I was just going through the motions of life. We each deal with grief differently. If after a couple of months you still feel like you are hiding your feelings from yourself it is then that I might look in to seeing a grief counsler. I waited 2 months beffore I got into a group, that was one of their requirements, however, I can now see why. It takes time for the shock to wear off and to truly accept that our loved one is no longer here. Keep coming back to this site read the posts and I encourge you to look at some of the other forums, even though the person someone has lost might be different than yours, there are a lot of similarities in the grief process.

[Maylissa]

Donald,

You have my condolences in the very recent loss of your brother and also for your mother. You are VERY early into your most recent loss, and as such are probably still in shock-mode, which is entirely normal. This often doesn't pass for about ( just an average ) 2 months at least, sometimes longer. Plus, this was a sudden and unexpected loss, which adds to the list of things you will experience during grief and in many ways makes it harder to work through mourning. Add to that the fact that you were the one who had to handle the necessary arrangements, plus having the worry of your ill father, and you have a recipe for more complicated grief.

The 'good' thing is that you have a desire and the common sense to see that you need to eventually feel the sorrow and other emotions surrounding grief. But there's no need to panic yet about not being able to feel them so soon. That's what shock can do....insulate us against the feelings until we're more able to start processing them and allowing them into our minds. However, this suppression will start to have an impact if it goes on too long and you don't want that, either. The feelings that finally start to surface can be somewhat more "explosive" if they've been repressed for too long, but many would also probably say that they're just "explosive" anyway, even if not suppressed! I don't think in most cases the connection would be any lesser, even if cut off temporarily, as once those emotions start flowing, the rest usually follows naturally as you start to experience memories of your brother's life.

You're also wise to have recognized rightly that every loss can feel different, since they're all based on the particular relationships we had with our loved ones, and all of those are unique unto themselves. We're all afraid of the intensity and depth of the emotions that go along with grief and many of us feel like we're losing control at many times. Again, normal. And worse for men, in general, who are taught to remain 'in control' over most things all their lives and who often don't want to be labeled "emotional".....as we women often are....as if there's something inherently 'wrong' with having large feelings and expressing them. ( I beg to disagree, of course! ) But grief must, of needs, be a balance between feeling and thinking, if we are to successfully resolve it inside. So staying in your head alone is risky business....as is trying to 'control' all those emotions. It is far more productive and helpful to just let those emotions BE whatever they are going to be , even though it's frightening. You can later on choose to 'label' yourself as stronger , for having gone through them, survived them and grown from them. ( I'm thinking this reasoning might appeal to most men! ) Grief is certainly not for the faint-hearted, even though we're all forced to go through it at one point or another, no matter what kind of person we are when we get our first taste of it.

You could try an experiment to see if it will bring anything out ~ either looking at pictures of your brother &/or family, or handling something of your brother's that has meaning for you, or listening to sad songs, reading books on grief....almost anything can work for this. But DO give yourself some time first, to see if you naturally come out of shock. If you're really worried about it, you could try to find a grief therapist and get some help ( NOT a sign of weakness, but of courage! ) in addition to talking about how you're doing here. Or find a grief group locally if that appeals to you. If it's more uncomfortable than not to hold those feelings in, which is, btw, more depleting of your energy than letting them out, even in short bursts, then it's maybe time to do something about it, lest you drain yourself even further. Either way, your life can't be the same old, same old and grief will take its toll on daily living. This is a fact that just has to be accepted and dealt with as best we can, one day or moment at a time. But it's also a chance to slow down and learn how to live in the moment....

Edited July 26, 2006 by Maylissa

[Haley]

Donald

Hey you are not alone I lost my mom a few months ago and I am still numb but some great advice from a few people here told me NOT to fight the emotions just to let them come to me and this past week I am trying it and it is helping know I am not 100% better but I can at least blink my eyes and releize that I just blinked. See I too am so numb that it is to the point that I at times don't think about where or what I am doing and have shut my life off. I to feared loosing control of my life but I have had to function day to day and I too tried to force my self to be strong and move on but you can not you have to deal with the pain even if it means talking and/or crying walking/running how ever you need to deal with stress. I am one to talk but it is easier said than done. You have found the strenght to come to this site and ask for advice and thats a start and even if it is the tiniest steps it helps. Hang in there and visit the site when needed to takl or vent it helps us all. You are not alone.

Thanks

Haley

[LAURIEL]

I ALSO LOST MY BROTHER DAVID 2 WEEKS AGO . HE WAS 46. HE DIED OF A ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE OF OXYCOTIN. I FEEL SO SAD THE PAIN IS GUT WRENCHING. I DIDNT SEE HIM FOR 2 YEARS, BECAUSE HE STAYED AWAY FROM THE FAMILY. ALL THE DETAILS OF WHAT HAPPENED AND READING THE CORNORS REPORT THIS WEEK END WAS HARD. I FEEL SAD, ANGRY, TIRED MY EMOTIONS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE. I JUST WENT BACK TO WORK THE SAME WEEK THIS ALL HAPPENED,SO I HAVE TO TRY TO ACT LIKE IM OK WHEN IM THERE. BUT REALLY I FEEL NUMB, EMPTY AND WOULD RATHER BE BY MY SELF RIGHT NOW. I WILL MISS HIM DEARLY. HE HAD A GOOD HEART AND LOVED HIS 2 YOUNG BOYS.THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I LOST A FAMILY MEMBER. I NEVER EXPECTED FOR HIM TO DIE SO SOON. I DO HAVE FAITH AND BELEIVE HE IS FREE NOW. BUT I STILL WILL MISS SEEING HIM. I HOPE YOU WILL FIND SOME COMFORT TODAY KNOWING I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL . GOD BLESS

[STARKISS]

Hi Donald,

First I would like to say I am very sorry for your losses, I also want to say that with two of them so close together makes it a little harder to deal with... I too have lost two important people close together... My mom in April and my dad in August... You are at the beginning stages of your grief and it is normal to feel numb.. You are suffering from shock and it is typical to feel this way... As time goes by it will get easier.... Take care and I will keep you in my prayers Shelley

[MarieR]

Hi Donald...

When my best friend died, 10 months ago, I was so numb that I had to ask my husband if he thought I really even loved her. I felt numb, nothing...I didn't miss her or cry...it felt so wierd. I have learned that our body and mind work together in protecting us. If we were given the full impact of our loss, all at once, it would be too much to handle. So I think the body and mind allow the process to unfold at a pace that allows us to feel and process the loss, layer by layer. You will unfold this..with all the emotions...just observe what you are feeling, when you do feel. Identify what you are feeling at that time...breathe and allow yourself to feel and acknowledge that you are feeling that emotion and make it ok to be there, knowing that it will soon move on. You are observing the loss...experiencing the loss and it seems that this is the only way to move through it. It is a lesson in living in the moment and realizing that there are times when you are safe to give up the control....or rather that you really don't have the control anyway. If after a few months you find yourself still numb, then seek a counselor...for alittle help. We all do the grief in our own way. I've read that we make the mistake of trying to grieve with our minds, to control the process...but it is with our hearts that we grieve and our minds have to follow at a respectable pace behind, to allow the fullness of the experience.

Know that you are not alone...each moment there are many of us feeling as you do...or rather not feeling it yet. Trust yourself and the inner wisdom that I think we all have.

Much love,

Marie

[Maylissa]

MarieR,

Oh, I'm so glad you put it just this way!...."...if he thought I really even loved her." THAT was the underlying horror for me when I went 'dead' after we lost our daughter, Nissa ( our cat ).....that I couldn't EVEN feel the huge love that I had for her, never mind the pain of her loss! It's taken me almost 3 wks. for the feelings to start surfacing, a bit at a time, and although it's excruciating, at least I can feel the LOVE again! To me, that was sort of worse than the agony of feeling the dreadful sorrow. Thanks for that.

[MarieR]

Maylissa...it scared me too, to not be in touch with the incredible love that I felt for my friend. It took me a long time to even think about her for more than a few seconds. It was like there was this huge fog between me and the knowledge that she had died. Now that fog is almost totally gone...and where the emotion used to explode up from inside of me and result in these wailing sobs...now they wash over me in this calmer wave of gratitude for the time we had and a deep love and missing of her in my life...and a gentler crying/purging of the pain of this loss. I am trying to figure out how living without her in my life is to be.I feel like I am learning how to walk again...I don't know if that makes sense. I want to go on and at the same time, so much of me still wants to keep her here, as she was,as I was. Sooner or later and maybe even now as I type this, I am figuring out how to live without her in my life physically...and all the while I feel this deep wound and hole in my heart and it leaves me quiet and also grateful for the ability to love this deeply.

love,

Marie

[ousontmesamis]

I feel for you, Donald. I had just lost a very good friend a few months ago who was like a brother to me. Even though he and I weren't related, we were like twins somehow. We were so much alike in spirit that it was eerie. Anyway, it's been an exhausting roller coaster ride for me lately, one minute I'm in denial and feeling great, then the next, it hits me hard and I'm numb and paralyzed.