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I am new here, so first off I would like to introduce myself. My name is Chole. I am a birthmother to Taygan and Skyler, and a mother to Carter and soon to be born Christen. Eric (Carter's father) and I are in the precess of getting a divorce.

My son Carter passed away on May 30th 2006. He had hit his head and the doctor told me that children fall and hit their heads all the time and that he would be just fine. We put him to bed Friday night and I had been checking on him quite often. Then around 3 a.m. (Saturday May 20) I went to check on him before I went to bed, and found him in his crib blue. After many tests at the hospitial, we were told that he had bleeding and pressure in his brain. As the week went on, we thought that he was slowly getting better. On the thursday Carter started waking up. He had opened his eyes for a few seconds on and off throughout the day, but then he took a turn for the worse thrusday night. He started having small seizures on Thursday throughout the night, and they continued. We asked the doctors to take a better look at him, but they said these things happen often with brain injuries, and he would be ok. On Sunday after a week in the hospitial Carter had a large seizure and they had to Resuscitate him. I remember telling him that if he seen God and he wanted to go with him that it was okay. That he would be safe. After Sunday, to me Carter was already gone, although his body was still alive. On monday they did some tests, and they said that his brain had been deprived of oxygen for too long. I was in total shock at that moment, and I asked them what that meant, and they said that the only thing keeping little Carter's body alive were the machines. They said that on Tuesday they would be turning the machines off. I asked them to let me hold him, and they did while he was being taken off of the machines. Carter passed away on May 30th 2006, and he was almost 14 months old. The next few days are just a blur to me. It never crossed my mind that my son wouldnt be coming home with me.

My little boy was the love of my life; he brought so much joy and so many smiles into my life. I am lost without him. Carter's smile could light up the room, he was always such a happy little boy. He had the biggest blue eyes and a smile that was contagious. My world stopped when he died, and it feels as if the world around me is still going. It has been 2 months, and still most days the pain is so unbearable. His bedroom door is locked, his clothes still unwashed, toys still where he left them. My ex-husband (carter's father) and my dad took down the swingset last week. Some nights I go sit in Carter's room, and just cry. I know the pain has just begun, and it will last forever. I just wish I could see my little CJ for one minute. To know that he is ok, and safe.

Carter is going to be a big brother. He knew before he passed away; when he would get tired he would bring his blankey over to me. I would put him on my lap and rock him. He would pat my tummy and say baby. I have 2 birthchildren and I just dont know if I can have another child because of all of the pain with losing Carter. I have been thinking about placing this baby for adoption, but I love her, and I want to keep her; I am just afraid.

How do you parent a child after losing a child, expecially so soon. Christen is due January 2nd 2007. If any of you would be willing to talk, my email is bm2tay@hotmail.com

Thank you for reading my story.

Chole >l<


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I just read your story and i am so sorry , i don't think those words really mean anything because i can not feel your pain. i can't imagine what that must feel like. I come to this website b/c my mom passed on 7/3/06 and i feel awful, i just can't think how you must feel. my mom always said the worst kind of grief is the loss of a child. my heart goes out to you. i do think you should keep the baby b/c i think then for the rest of your life you will regret it. i think she will bring you the comfort that you need. i was jus watching Larry King the other night and John and Reve Walsh were on his show. they were talking about their son Adam who had been murderd 25 yrs to the day. The wife said that they concieved 3 mos after losing Adam b/c they felt that it would help them and it did. they have 3 children since losing him and i truely believe that is what got them through. i look at my children and say that they are the hope that i need to go on. pls think carefully about your choice don't make a hasty one. i will pray for you. do you go for therapy and pray. i think faith is the only one real thing we have. i can not tell you how long it will hurt for probably the rest of your life but i think you are going to make, give your self the time to grieve, mourn and heal. talk to other parents who have lost children maybe find a support group and think of that life growing in your belly.

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Carter's mommy,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, there are a lot of good people here who will help you through this. Fortunately, I haven't experienced the pain of losing a child, although I have experienced a couple of miscarrages and the loss of my wife on April 6, 2006. While a miscarrage is nothing like having a child with you for 14 months and watching him grow, I feel some of your pain. When I lost Karen it also seemed that my world stopped while the rest of it went on. My life came to an end, but I had to keep going for the sake of my 7 year old son. I wish you didn't have to go through this divorce during this time of severe grief, but with God's help you will do it. I have a continuos prayer list going and I will add you to it and will keep praying for you until the baby is born and beyond. Seek God's will and you will find the answer for the baby that is growing inside of you. You will be fine, and it will get better as time goes on. It might not seem that way right now, in fact it probably seems like a black cloud around you at all times. That cloud is only temporary and will disapate. I will give you this prayer for you now:

God, hold Carter's Mommy in your loving arms and give her the peace that only you can give. Be with her during her pregancy and help her to make the right decisions. Carry her through the rough times ahead and help her through the grieving times ahead. I know that the pain will not be totally gone, but help her to ease that pain and to take care of her children. Help her through this divorce and bring people into her life that can help her and guide her. It is through Jesus that I ask this now...Amen.

Hope this will help you and keep coming back to this site to fill us in.

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Thank you so much for the prayers. There are so many emotions, but yet I have no words to express them. To know that I will never see my little boy again just breakes my heart into peices. Carter was the reason that I woke up in the morning, he was the one that would make me smile when everything seemed hopeless. And now he is gone. My entire body hurts from the pain of losing him. Every morning I wake up and want to die, just so I dont have to go through the pain over again today. I dont think it has really hit me yet that he is not coming home. All his toys are where he left them, waiting for him to come back to play with them. Why would God take Carter, why my baby? That question I will never know the anwser to. My faith in God is gone. I know that prayer and faith is the only thing that will get me through this, but now it seems when I pray, I end up yelling. I wake up in the middle of the night screaming from the dreams. Sleeping pills dont work. I do believe that God has given me this pregnancy to show that life does go on after death, but I only want my little boy. I found out that I am pregnant with a little girl, and we do know that she has a severe heart defect. I have been calling her Christen, and I do believe that she is lucky because her big brother is an angel. Christen will be just fine because she has an angel on her side.

With this entire situation, I have learned that life is a gift, and we should be greatful for every day they we are blessed with our life. For every gift we recieve, we are lucky. To me Carter only life was short, but to Carter it was a lifetime. Journaling seems to help me, because it just gets all of my thoughts out of my head and onto paper. To say I miss my son, wouldnt be enough, there not enough words to describe how much I love an miss my little CJ. A woman in my support group told me that it is okay to cry for Carter, because Carter was worth all of the tears. And that Carter is physically gone, but he does live on in everyone that he touched.

Thank You for all of the support!


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I know that this has to be the hardest thing for you. I don't know the answers either as to why God would want to take Carson's mom away from him. Yell at God all you want, he can take it. I know it is hard to have faith when trials like this come to be. We wonder why God would do such a thing. Remember this, God has the big picture. He knows what is in our future. He knows what would have happened if Carter was to remain on this earth, and possibily that wouldn't have been good. We will never know. I do know this as time has moved on, I have gone from not understanding why God would do such a thing and feeling like he isn't there to having a closer relationship with Him than I ever thought possible. God will take care of this and as you said she has an angle on her side.

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Hi Carter's Mommy,

I am so very, very sorry for your lost. I can not find the words to say to you as I have never lost a child, but your story just reminds me that life is so frail that you have to live everyday like it will be your last.. I live with three young children and whenever that get hurt I worry about them. I can not even imagine what it would be like to lose a child and unfortunately I will never know because I am unable to bear children. Carter's Mom I am going to send you a great big hug and I will pray for you and ask God to give you the strength to go on. Take care and God Bless you Shelley

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  • 3 weeks later...

Carter's Mom:

Your story broke my heart into pieces, I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through, I have miscarried, but not lost a child I was able to hold in my arms...

All I can say is, you are entitled to be angry, you are entitled to cry, you are entitled to feel desperate, and you are entitled to yell. People say we shouldn't cry for the people we loose, because then we don't let them rest. I don't think that's right, and repressing our feelings makes the grieving process a lot worse. Cry and yell all you want, pray everytime you feel like doing so, even if you end up yelling. As Derek said (and I loved this bit), God can take it; and eventually you'll yell less and pray more. Cry a lot, cry all you want, as tears are cleansing to our soul.

Grieving is a handful of emotions, many stages, the best way is to take one stage at a time and not before we are ready. Denial is the first stage, ad the purpose of denial is to put all the emotions on standby until we are strong enough to bear them. Other emotions include anger, desperation, depression, negociation, and finally acceptance, and some people talk about rebirth. All these emotions are entirely normal, and healthy. These emotions are different for everyone, as no grieving is the same, nor do they last the same, what is important is you do what is important to you, what makes you feel better or what helps you heal the best. Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve, or how long, comments as "you should be over "it" by now" are comments we can toss away before they reach our ears. It is your grieving, and if you ever need to come and steam off here, or find comfort, or read the stories here, some a marvelous gift of comforting words, then by all means, this place is for you.

Light a candle every day, celebrate christmas with Carter, as well as his birthday. I am grieving my mother, and although it is not the same, and I still feel lost and confused and angry and depressed and alone, I can say that sometimes (especially when I do things related to her) I feel she is with me, she is watching over me, and it sheds a little comfort.

Someone told me once children who die at a very young age are very wise, and they don't come to learn, their mission is to give us or teach us something. Right now that doesn't mean anything to you, but later, it will come into perspective. Maybe this has something to do with the child that's on the way. Don't make hasty decisions, especially in your very early stage of grieving. At this stage, we can't even remember to put the trash outside or decide what we're having for dinner, much less make a decision so big. You have a few months to decide. But I know, if you keep this baby, she won't replace Carter, that is a fact, but she might bring comfort.

Carter is gone in a material way, but he is with you. People die only when they are not remembered.

Bless you.


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