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kellymarie,

In my opinion, you are doing seriously great griefwork if reading a book on grief qualifies as "a good weekend activity". :lol:

Paul

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi All,

I just wanted to ask a question about grief, I was wondering if anyone knows of a good book to read about losing your parents... I have started my grief journey sixteen months ago and do not really know how well I am doing but if I had a book or two to read it might help... Take care Shelley

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Hi shelley:

I think MartyT has a "Recommended Reading List" somewhere on the HOV site.

I have read "Grieving the Death of a Mother" by Harold Ivan Smith. I loved this, it was excellent. I sing it's praises like a choir of angels praising God. Smith also wrote "On Grieving the Death of a Father". I do not have that one, but I may get it someday. If it's as good as the "...Mother" book, its worth it! So in a way, I am recommending it based on the strength of the other. I'm not a professional critic, so I don't care if you can't do that.

Another goodie is "A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing After the Death of a Loved One" by Carol Staudacher. One-page meditations and reflections. I think it was one of the first I read after Mom died. You needn't read it from front to back, just pick and choose from the page titles those meds which appeal to you.

I am also reading "In the Letting Go: Words to Heal the Heart on the Death of a Mother" by Jonathon Lazear. Just started it, and its like the Staudacher, with some nice reflections and poetry. ALTHOUGH I JUST NOW DISCOVERED THAT MY COPY IS MISSING PAGES 25 AND 26. AND I TOSSED THE RECEIPT OUT. Paul not happy. :( Paul grumpy. :angry2:

Lazear has also written a similar book on losing a Father, which I do not have but you can research it on Amazon or Google. Don't know the title. Probably as good as the Mother one.

I am now reading, and like this one very very much: "The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents" by Alexander Levy. I highly recommend this one. :)

There is also: "Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. She has a website: http://www.elizabethharperneeld.com. You can check out the book there. It's not on parent loss, but should help you very much, anyway. Neeld lost her husband, but the "Choices" I think are common to anyone who lost somebody.

One I haven't read yet, but plan to before the year is out is: "Becoming Myself: Living Life to the Fullest After the Loss of Your Parents", by Shari Butler. Sounds good based on the blurbs and info on the back.

Anyway, I'm sure others have great recommendations as well.

Paul

PS: There's another book that I and others routinely recommend; "Companions Through the Darkness" by Stephanie Ericcson. shell's read it (or reading it, I forget). kellymarie has also read it, and I guess was planning a weekend around a second reading of it. Not on parent loss, but still a good book.

Edited by Paul S
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I don't know about one for parents but there is one that is helping me a lot and that is "I'm greiving as fast as I can" This book goes into a lot of aspects of grief. It does not refer to them as stages. I have seen so much of what I am going through in this book. I think it is geared more to the loos of a spouse, but there is a lot of good material that is applicable no matter who you have lost.

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Hi, everyone:

Thanks so much for all the reading suggestions. Reading, as well as journaling, has been very helpful to me right now.

I had a big old backslide this past week. I'm an elementary school teacher and my school district resumed classes last week after being off for the summer. My Dad would always call me the evening of the first day, just to see how my first day went, what my students were up to, etc., etc. I didn't have that this year...haven't known what to do with myself since. I've been irritable and out of sorts. Is this an indication of what is to come with all the "firsts" (his birthday is November 1st, and Christmas is coming....)?

I've felt exhausted all day today; only went out to grocery shop, then slept all day.

Hugs,

Leann

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Leann,

It is normal for you to feel this way. It is so hard to have your life change and have to do without all those little "rituals" you had with your dad. It just sucks, period. No wonder your tired and "cranky". Unfortunately, most "firsts" are going to be like this, but as we always say, things will get a little easier as more time passes. And eventually, the "firsts" will be "seconds" and "thirds" and you will know how to cope better the 2nd or 3rd time around.

I'm so sorry you had such a sad and miserable week. Hope it gets better.

A big hug,

Shell

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Kellymarie:

This Christmas it'll be the 5th year since I lost my child. At the time it didn't ocurr to me to look for information on grieving or a place to grieve on the internet, and my father gave me a very rough time and basically I had no time or space to grieve until a year later.

My mother's passing sort of brought my baby's death again, but if it gives you any hope, I don't feel even close to what I felt at the time. It hurts, yes, but it is not the tear-my-heart-out kind of pain. It is a little bit more subtle, maybe constant, but not intense spasms of tearing pain. I loved the way Paul put it, repacing your steps, and the article Marty provided is wonderful. So, to conclude this, yes, I feel for my child, I always will, but my mother's passing has also managed to give me some closure for my baby. I was very angry at God, felt as if I was forsaken and forever punished for who knows what, and now, I think I found peace. I am blue, but I am very certain I'll live through this.

Of course grieving for my mom is a whole knew book, and I can assume some years from now, I will feel blue sometimes, but not in as much horrible pain, but of course, my grieving does not allow me to have an optimistic view of the future. The more the deaths one experiences doesn't mean one has more experience as to how to handle grief.

To Cari and Hopsing:

People say guilt is a natural process in grieving. I don't know. I do know I had the best relationship with my mother, we were so close it was unbelievable. But even so, I feel guilt. I promised to take her to Italy this Christmas, and although it was not my fault she left in April, I feel guilty I didn't take her before. I feel guilty because when I eurotripped in 2004, I could've cut a 3 month trip down to 1 month and have taken her (I offered her and she said no, that this was my trip), and she was so proud of my trip that was the only thing she talked about for a while. I feel guilty because when we lived in Oklahoma in that 1 bedroom apartment, I spent too much time on internet instead of spending more time with her (that is probably the reason we got along so well, that we were not in each other's faces 24 hours a day). I feel guilty because I didn't give her grandchildren (she was so grateful I was single and able to live my life to the fullest instead of being in a bad marriage). I feel guilty I was at work when she left (and she wouldn't have it any other way, she wouldn't have wanted me to loose my job for her, nor see her as she was the last moments).

The bottom line is if we don't have a reason to feel guilty, we will find one. Luckily, I believe most of us here don't have real reasons for feeling guilty. None of us has been on the 9 o'clock news as murderers, rapists, drug dealers, etc. I don't think anyone here beat their parents up on a daily basis. Those things happen, and when we put them in perspective, we are doing not so bad. I like to think my mom is laughing at my petty guilt...

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Jester,

I had no idea you lost a child too. I'm so sorry. And you are so right, that no matter how many losses we suffer, it doesn't make the grieving any easier each time.

Your ideas on guilt are very well put! We all need to let go of any guilt we have. We're all just human, after all, and have done the best we could at the time.

Hugs,

Shell

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Thank you, Shell. I don't mention my baby very much, and at the time of my loss, I wish I had this forum, because I had no one to talk to about it and I was going hysterical. But supermom made it all better. She didn't find out until 9 months later. I didn't tell her because my dad told me not to, that she had just restarted her life in another country and it would be unfair for her to throw everything she had accomplished and come back for me and what he more than once called "my mistake". I was feeling so bad about myself, so low self esteem I did as he said and kept quiet.

Funny thing though, when my mother came to visit us, my dad told her!!! She was so angry because she had not been notified, and she was angry she didn't have the chance to be with me. This is something a parent hopes not to go through with, but when it happens, it is a parent's duty to be with us. My dad and I were fighting so bad about it my mother said "I can't leave you alone here, but I want you to understand I can't come back. Why don't you go spend some time with me in the US? I can get you a job, you can stay there for 6 months, a year, for as long as you need, save some money and come back independent, so you don't have to put up with what your father is putting you through". I didn't give it a second thought. not 3 months later I was flying to Oklahoma.

My mom was fantastic about this, she never said "I am dissapointed" or anything whatsoever. I lost my baby on Christmas eve, and a year later we stayed home, cooked turkey and salad and threw a Christmas party for my baby. We burnt the test results and the doctor's diagnosis, as all I wanted to keep from my baby were the good things, not the bad things. I only have a pair of stripped socks, but holding on to that is better than a piece of paper stating the worse ("spontaneous abortion" as we don't have a translation for miscarriage in spanish). I also remember for weeks my mother had been saving catalogues with baby clothes and toys, and we cut the pictures and burnt them, as though we were sending my baby gifts for Chrtsimas, and after that day, I can't tell you how miraculously healed I felt. I moved on after that aniversary.

My mom was a wonderful person, gosh I miss her. Sorry for kidnapping this forum.

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Jester,

Don't apologize for "kidnapping" this forum! We start out with one topic and it sometimes moves from one to another many times!

Your mother truly was a wonderful person! I'm so glad you could grieve for your baby without the guilt that your dad was trying to lay on you. Again, I am so sorry for both of your losses.

Big hug to you,

Shell

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Thank you :)

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