Feel Like I Am In A Nightmare And Can't Wake Up

[lorikelly]

i thought i was having a ok day, not to much crying until about middle of the afternoon and i havent stopped. i wonder sometimes if i have really accepted my mom's passing. somethimes it feels like i am in a nightmare and tomorrow will be different. they say in all the grief books that you have to accept it first, i am not sure if i am really there yet. i also have read here that the three month mark is very hard (it will only be 5 weeks on monday for me) b/c that is when it really hits you. i can't imagine it being worse. i try not to cry and hide it but sometimes it just comes out. today i was crying so hard that i was almost begging for my mom to come back. you see my life really has been all about mom. i don't know who i am with out her and i am not sure if i want to find out. last night my husband was working 3-11 and i was home with my boys. i just started crying so hard that my 7 yr old started to cry , he said b/c it hurts him to see me this way. i then felt guilty. today i talked to my niece who is close to me in age (she is the only one who speaks to me my siblings don't) she was telling stories of when we were little and they were happy memories but for some reason made me feel worse. i just cried, i told her how much i missed my mom and she said she knew i would always take it hard. i just want her back just for one moment, i think that i won't ever see her again until i die. how can i go on all those yrs. the therapist says it will take a long time b/c of our relationship. i go to work and i know people expect me to be better so i have to fake it. i try so hard but then i explode later on. i can't cry at work. i talk to my mom everyday and wish she could talk back to me. i know she can't but i would give anything. i just never thought she would die even though she was sick and older. i miss her so much it hurts in every part of me. thanks for listening..

[KathyD]

Hi Lori,

I'm not going to try to say "where we should be when" because it's impossible since grief is an individual thing. I had a hard time at the three month mark and thought that after that I'd be OK - I was fooling myself. My life was all about my Dad and although I've tried to be "normal" and thought I was grieving properly (based on what others told me) it's not that easy. I spent last night sobbing since my father really was my life to me and when I thought about life without him I broke down completey. So I attempted to go out and socialize but came back home missing him more than ever. I would give anything to be able to see him enjoy a Blues concert again and be with him. ANYTHING. I know I'm not being any help to you but I know how you feel to a certain extent since missing someone who you have lost is almost impossible to bear. I just watched the last video I took of him this past January and to hear his voice and see him so vital two months before the cancer took him; well, I'm trying and think this site is helpful.

Kathy

[STARKISS]

Hi Lori,

I am so very sorry for your loss,I thought the same thing after the deaths of my dear mom and dad. I still think after their one year anniversaries that I will wake up and nothing would have happened. I feel so much like I am dreaming and when I wake up it will be okay. I can not say for sure that I am doing okay or not. But I have been through both parents one year since their deaths and still feel like I am dreaming. Take care and God Bless you

[shell]

Lorikelly,

At five months, you are still not over the shock yet....that is why you feel you have not accepted that your mother has died. So don't be so hard on yourself. You are being perectly normal.

I really hate to say this, but it takes a long time to grieve. I think we all expect to be back to "normal" in a certain time period, and if we aren't we feel there is something wrong with us. There isn't. It WILL get easier to bear with all of these feelings, but not for awhile. It truly does take time. So try to just go with the flow (of tears, anger, desperation, hopelessness, and every other emotion you feel) knowing that it will eventually ease up.

We have talked about "leaning into the pain". When we are at our most devastated, and cring our eyes out, we are leaning into the pain, and it is part of the healing. If you can realize that, it helps. Someday (when is up to your own timetable) all that crying and pain will heal you.

Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

[dpodesta]

lorikelly,

You are right where you need to be in this, what everyone has said is true, about 3 1/2 months was the hard part for me. It was then that I found out Carson may need surgery again and the realization hit me that it is only I that can make the doctors appointments and have to be there for them and take the time off from work. Karen isn't here to take some of that from me. Towards the end of the year I will have to face taking time off without pay because I will run out of vacation time with all of this. At 5 weeks, you are still at the begining of the roller coaster where the hills are very high and the valleys are very low. As time goes on the hills and valleys will start to level out.

My life revolved around Karen, I to don't know who I am and I am trying to find myself. This is a long road and we will get through it. Just remember the 23rd Psalm:

The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, thought I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for thou are with me: thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou perparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointst my head with oil: my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

If we will turn towards the Lord during this time, he will lead us through this dark time. He will comfort us and help us and one day we will truly be blessed from this experience. Right now we are in a storm and the wind is blowing very hard. We must learn to bend and flex and we will make it through. A tree that bends in the wind will be stronger for when the next wind comes.

[lorikelly]

Hi

Today i feel physicall ill , i am not sure if it is coming from how upset i was last night. Every part of my body hurts and i couldn't even go to work this am. i was on my way when all of a sudden i felt nausea, now i just can't get comfortable. its bad enough to go through the mental anguish but this physical stuff stinks. i have been up since 2 am and can not sleep, this is really taking a toll on me. i was going to try melatonin but read that can also cause depression so i dont need more of that. today my mother in law told me i have to snap out of ths and think of my husband and boys. she said she is trying not to get mad at me but is losing her patience. how can people be like this, from now on i will just fake it with her. she usually is very understanding and very religuous but thinks i need to move on. Oh God doesn't she realize i am trying.

Derek, i am sorry about your son, is he alright? i wish i could physcially help you the running around but i am in NJ. Do you mind telling me what kind of surgery he will need? this will be hard for both of you , he won't have his mom and you won't have Karen. I am truely sorry.

I hate hearing about this time frames 3 mos or the 4-9 month it makes me worry about how i am going to feel. i am scared now about what i will be like, i can't imagine feeling worse.

I am praying that this physical ailment leaves me today since i have to work tomorrow.

thanks for listening.

[Paul S]

lorikelly:

Forget about time frames like 3 months or 4 months or whatever. Everyone grieves at their own pace and these timeframes are usually just "milemarkers on the road of grief" pointing out the common experiences that grievers share. But its not as if "OK, everyone's been saying that at such-and-such a time this is what is experienced, well, I'm not feeling that way so something's wrong with me, or I dread what's coming up because everyone is saying about this timeframe thing." It may not happen that way. We do not all experience the same stuff at the same rate or in the same degree. Feel what you feel and to heck with timetables. Realize that whatever you're going thru, most everyone else probably has, too. You're going thru enough stuff without worrying about "scheduled" grieving events or inevitable things that may actually not take place. On this 'road of grief' some people drive Porsche's, others, John Deere.

Everyone is different. But there's enough common experience out there, and knowledge of that is supposed to be comforting. "I'm not going crazy."

Knowing what the road ahead may be like can be scary, but also knowing that others have trod it and arrived at their destination may give hope.

I felt that same thing, that how can I endure another 30,40, 50 years of living (I'm 43) before I'm reunited with Mom? Now I don't feel so bad about it, though I still wouldn't mind checking out. But it isn't His plan just yet.

Sometimes I worry that in the next few decades I won't remember too much about Mom, or wonder what all this grieving fuss was all about. THAT is scary.

You're not alone in this. Talking to people can help cope with insensitivities like what your mother-in-law is foisting upon you. Might faking it with her help if your husband ran interference for you? In dealing with her you may need his help.

Is your therapist a grief counselor? Do you attend in-person support groups?

Hope some of this helps. I do like derek's suggestion of turning to God. He is not an enemy in this, although I was ticked off and resentful towards Him for awhile. (I won't say at what month. )

Take care,

Paul

[STARKISS]

Hi Paul S,

Thank you for your post, I think that you are a very kind and understanding person just from what I have read from your posts. I think that we are all very lucky to have such warm and understanding people to help us through our grief. I know that we all grief at different stages and no one does it the same but I have a very hard time thinking why I am not doing any better after all it has been over a year for my mom and almost a year for my dad. Take care and God Bless you Shelley

[shell]

I agree with Paul, that timetables are to be ignored in general. They can set you up for feelings that you might otherwise not have. I think the main thing we all know is that it takes a long time to feel even half-way normal (sorry, but true) and that certain events, anniversaries, even just random thoughts, will make it harder sometimes. But then things will "even out" again. We have to just ride the tide.

And, Shelley, it has been over a year for me too and I have your same thoughts. Shouldn't I be coping better by now? But, again, we are going by "time passed". And, of course, life doesn't just leave us alone to grieve. There are everyday problems, worries, fears, etc. that make coping with our grief harder. So, I think we all need to give ourselves a break and realize maybe we are coping better than we think. We are all still here, anyway.

Derek,

I,too,like Lorikelly, wish I could be where you are to help you. As we've often said, it's too bad we don't all live in the same town! Think of the support group we'd have! I am so sorry your son has to have an operation. Keep us posted and you two will be very much in our thoughts.

Hugs to all,

Shell

[dpodesta]

lorikelly

If he needs surgery it is for a tethered cord it is where the spinal cord attaches itself to low and as he grows it stretches causing nerve impulses not to get to where they are going. It will be much like back surgery, he will be in pain for a couple of days. Recovery will be easier on him since he is so young and since it isn't like a ruprued disc.

[STARKISS]

Hi Lorikelly,

Now that I have forgot the time periods, it is getting a little better. The only thing I have trouble with is holidays and birthdays. I know people say with time these too will get better. I do not know if this is true but time will tell. Take care Shelley

Hi Shell,

Thank you for your kind words and understanding I hope in time it will get better for us all. Take care Shelley

Hi Derek,

I too wish I could be closer to you to help in anyway I can, I will keep praying for you Take care Shelley