Looking For Advice

[Haley]

To All

Its Haley again and I need help with a major problem I am having here it goes. I am seeing a guy (Billy) and I care about his family a great deal they are great people really nice and caring and would help anybody that had or has respect, and they have helpped me when my MOM left me and held my hand the whole way and still talk to me about it.

My problem is that Billy's dad (step) was put in the hospital on Monday the 31st of July and on Saturday the 5th of August the doctor called and told Billy and his MOM and me that he only has about 3 weeks left and that they should call family members and make the final arrangements and Hospice was called. We went to the hospital Saturday night after the call from the doctor and say that they stopped the IV and he just is giving up. One of my questions is what do I do??? How do I handle this??? Where is my spot to be?? What do I say??? I just lost my MOM almost 4 months ago and I am still very numb and confused over my MOM but I went to and will be there for them but

HOW?? WHEN??? WHERE???? and all. I could not go to the hospital today for the meeting with hospice cause I had a bad taste with hospice in my MOMs care and did not want to ruin it for them but I feel so bad and like I am a failure now that I did not go I need your help I have only lost my MOM and I also lost my neice and grandfather but with those 2 I was so young but with my MOM I am out of my mind it just happened and now Billy's dad oh gosh everybody I am so scared I will mess up with how I act and what I say and all what do I do and how can I be there for them and all I need help please.

Thanks

Haley

I will be there but I am just scared I will do what ever they need I no that but how do you prepare this I mean 3 weeks gee.

[Paul S]

Just be there. That's all. In my opinion, any person may not know what to do in advance of these things. So just be there and like they say "Take things one day at a time"? Just take this one moment at time. You'll know what to do when things happen. I think you should give yourself some credit and just offer your presence.

[Haley]

Paul S

Yea I see that we can not and do not want to prepare for this but to be new to the whole thing and trying to stop the pain for other people and they are great people I Love them all so much and I am crushed to see them hurt like this. I guess it goes back to Why the good people first or the ones who don't hurt anybody. I am lost at this really I am I am numb all over again it may be from being scared.

Thanks

Haley

[Maylissa]

Haley,

You couldn't stop the pain they're going to feel, or already feel, anyway, and really, this is something they NEED to feel in order to mourn 'properly'. Don't take that away from them, as this would actually be a DISservice. I've found with most people, just speaking from the heart ( and only avoiding using stupid and unhelpful cliches ) seems to be the most welcome and helpful way to relate. Your sincerity will be noticed and appreciated and being sincere and honest are great virtues to extend to others, as it allows them to BE however they need to be. You might consider starting with sharing how you're still numb and might not be able to offer as much as you'd prefer if you weren't already grieving yourself, but that you're open to being with them regardless. Communication of how one really is, is what's important, not trying to be all to everyone. And if it gets too hard for you, take some breaks from it all whenever you can....you can't forget all about your OWN pain, either, or you won't be any use to anyone else....just as you honoured your own needs by not joining them at hospice cuz it was TOO hard for you to do. You're not a failure.....you're just in mourning, and you needn't fault yourself for that.

[shell]

Haley,

I think they know you well enough by now to know that you are also grieving with them, that you care. They know what a sensitive, loving person you are. As Paul said, just being there for them is enough.

Hugs,

Shell