Ebb And Flow Of Grief...

[JennO]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and this is my first open letter. I have been hooked on reading through many of the posts over the last few days as I sit at my computer not wanting to go to sleep. I often have thought about what I might have to say that is different than our common grief process. But here I go anyway..maybe it will help me. I'll try anything!

I lost my husband Jeff 10 mths ago..or it will be 10 mths on Wednesday. Our son was just three weeks old and his death was sudden and unexpected. My parents had been staying with us for a few weeks (two weeks prior to our son's birth) and were due to leave the next day. Mom and I had taken the baby shopping and my dad and husband went to breakfast and were doing some household stuff. Jeff went into our bedroom to fold some clothes (he was so good like that) and my dad didn't think anything of it. We arrived home about 15 minutes after he left my dad and, for some reason, I was anxious to find him when I came in. He was already dead (don't think I consciously realized it right away) on our bathroom floor. We had 6 paramedics(yes paramedics, not EMTS) working on him on our bedroom floor for 45 minutes....intubated, chest compressions, the works...They tried everything. He was throwing up on our floor or his body was at least, permanentely stained our bedroom rug. They never got him back. I remember right away after he died and several of his friends were at the hospital (small town..everything is close), I was sitting in the room and holding his hand. I had requested an autopsy, so they couldn't remove the tube from his throat, but they had cleaned his face up and closed his eyes. It was excruciating, but I immediately found comfort in holding his hand. It was still warm and he was still my Jeff. I didn't stay long...I never was too focused on the body at the hospital or for his services...he was immediately in my soul and wasn't in that body anymore. Forgive me...it was disturbing, but his cold, stiff hand throughout the services weren't his..that wasn't him anymore.

Anyway...since then, my life has been a whirlwind. I have often been told (and for once I agree with many of those that have never experienced this type of grief) that I was lucky to have my son as a distraction/focus. I am. It is a permanent piece of my husband that somehow espouses his demeanor, his expressions, and his cute smile. I know that someday I will have to explain this to him and I am happy to say I have no idea what I will say and I am not going to worry about it..at least for today. I do know that he knows his Daddy's picture and said Dada to each one before he said Momma. I cherish that....

One of my challenges is one that I have heard several people mention... I have a busy life that forces me to work full time, care for my son, and tuck a little sleep and cleaning in too....BUT, I often get stuck in the business as a way of not confronting my grief. I feel like it would be so incredibly debilitating that I can't let myself do that..Don't get me wrong, I have my bad days/moments/car rides to work, but is that enough? I can't get myself to journal and am so afraid that I will forget some memories. I wrote an open letter to our close family/friends and asked them to each write a letter to my son telling them about their dad and I have received very few. I know how hard this is for them (he had a incredibly close bunch of friends from childhood) but for gosh sake...this is for his son who will never understand him in the unique way each of them did.

I am already planning a one year memorial and think I will be borrowing some of Dusty's ideas for Jack, so thank you Dusty!

Ramble as I do......thank you for "listening"

Jenn

[dpodesta]

Jenn,

First of all welcome to this site, I wish we could all meet here under different circumstances. I heard the other day someone was talking about how everyone says they are sorry to here of your loss, but they change it to I am sad for your loss, I kinda of like it so I am going to start here. I know it is difficult raising a child by yourself when you thought you would have both of you to raise him. It is very overwhelming, I have learned to only look at today, because if you think about the next 18 or so years I can't do it.

I too am working a full time job and trying to find time to do everything, I have learned from others that make sure you do the iomportant stuff.

1. Take care of yourself

2. Spend quaility time with your children

everything else will work itself out.

If driving to work is the only time you have where you can cry and grieve, then that is enough, if you think you need more, take some time after you put your little one to bed. I am finding that this is the time that I have that works the best for me. I heard awhile back someone say if you get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep the first 9 months then you are lucky. I am finding that to be true and I am only in the 4th month. I usually go to bed around midnight and get up at 5:30. Don't worry about the house work several people have told me that it is ok to have a messy house, you have only yourself where there was two of you before. You are doing fine and everything will be ok. Just trust in God and everything will happen the way it is supposed to happen.

Hope to hear more from you in the days and months ahead. Here is a big hug for you.

[JennO]

Thanks for your kind words...I have read quite a few of your posts and am appreciate of your openness with your grief in all its rawness. I think most people stop talking/asking about it because they don't want to upset us. I don't know about anyone else, but I want to talk about it.

I have found my big struggle is hanging onto my professionalism when all I want to do is stay home with my baby. I have a job that requires me to lead a team and resolve conflict. Somedays..I just want to pass the hours and go home. But, I have lots of love and support from my family....but they are not in a position to pay my mortgage and the rest of my bills. I am just 33 with an infant and an uncertain future. I do try to think about the short term, but in all reality, bills will be coming in for a long time...

Can't we just all take a siesta from this....sigh

[dpodesta]

Oh, how I wish we could take a siesta from it all.

I to like you like to talk about the death of my wife, it is how I work through things. I have a few I can talk to every now and then but it is starting to feel strange like I am hanging on. I have found here that I don't have to worry about it. I can talk about it as long as I want to and there is always someone new who hasn't heard my story.

I went back to work 1 week after Karen passed away due to I wanted to save my vacation time because I won't get more until the begining of Feb. It was very hard to concentrate and get things done. In fact I am trying to catch up with things at home in order to get it all done. Friday I will have DSL instaed of dial up to help that process so I can log into my computer at work and do some it at home after Carson goes to bed. It is worth it so I don't have to stay late and my manager will help me out with vacation time. Lucky for me work has been very understanding, I didn't get much of anything done the first 2 months and was almost always late to work. Like you, the bills still have to be paid, if I had it my way I would stay at home and just raise Carson, but that will never happen unless I win the lottery (Yeah right).

[chrissy777]

Jenn,

I can relate to you in some ways. My husband had cancer but his death was very unexpected. He too had to be intubated and have cpr performed on him. I didnt know until now why they keep the tube in after his death they wanted to ask me if they could do a autopsy and I said yes. With no results of that yet I am afraid to find them out. I saw my husband 2 hours after his death because I had to travel a long distance(he was hospitalized for a bone marrow transplant at the time) It was hard to hold his hand like you said it wasnt him it was cold. I kissed his cheek and that too was so cold. I am pregnant with our first child a boy (35 weeks) Right now it is hard for me because it is like I am in limbo no longer with Jason but waiting on our son. Like you said I know our children our a blessing and truely what keeps us going. I know this is a very hard time for all of us. I cant wait to hold my child and see parts of my husband in him. What a gift our husbands have given us. I am sorry for your loss I think there is a reason we have our little ones I cant imagine how much harder this would be if we didnt conceive before his death. I think it is good to keep busy but to have time set aside to cry each day or remeber things. I started a memory box for my son and keep mementos of his father in there and soooo many pictures. I think there are things that we do forget and that scares me but there are also so many wonderful memories to share. Take care and God bless

Chrissy

[KarenH]

Dear Jenn,

I am, of course, sorry for your loss, too. It has been eight months for me, and while my husband's death was not unexpected, it has been a very hard road. The hospice nurse told me at 1:00 pm that Paul's blood pressure and and pulse were getting so low it could be that day. He was gone by midnight. It was just the two of us...I had lowered the hospital bed all the way and butted it up to the couch. He died with my arm around him and I stayed that way for about 20 minutes with him...like you said, still warm. He looked so good, so at peace. I am also not good at showing my grief outwardly and have probably not been even this personal since I found this site. People tell me all the time that they see Paul in our son, and indeed there is a huge resemblance in looks and personality...even their interests. He keeps me going as well, and I know what you mean about paying the bills. I am fortunate to work for my son's school district so I'm always on his schedule, but it's hard to keep smiling for everyone else's sake. Hang in there and keep the faith...this is a great group of caring people. Come here often.

KarenH

[kayc]

Jenn,

I'm sorry for your loss. You have found a good site though and there are several young people who are raising children (or soon will be) so you have others going through it. Please keep coming back and feel you can post whenever you want. I too feel it helps to get things out, and I understand what you said about holding things at bay because it's hard to handle.