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I hope none of you can relate to what I'm going through. I hope none of you understand. You all had perfect spouses. I thought I did too. But little by little I've learned so much that has hurt me, so many things that have confused and muddled the issue...I don't just have grief to deal with, as if that's not enough, but I have all of this other stuff too. I have such ambivilence and confusion...

Tonight I got a letter from George's ex girlfriend...they were on again off again friends and whatevers and they knew each other for ten years before I met him. She wasn't what he needed and he knew that, but I also knew he'd had love for her and would always care about her to some degree. When I met him she hadn't been around for over a year and I really just didn't give any thought to it one way or another. We'd gone through "Preparing for Marriage" together and we'd talked over every issue imaginable and came to understanding about them...we'd agreed not to be alone with the opposite sex, not because we couldn't be trusted, but because it just wasn't a good idea and we wanted to put each other and our relationship ahead of anything else. Or so I thought. Shortly after we were married I learned that George had received a phone call from his ex and he didn't tell me, instead, five days later, after I'd gone to work, he drove two hours to see her. When he told me that night I blew. He'd never seen me so mad. I felt betrayed because he'd kept her call from me for five days and because he'd snuck out of there right after I left, as if he couldn't wait for me to go to work so he could leave to see her. I made it very clear that I wasn't going to work to pay for gas for him to go see her and that wasn't what we'd talked about and agreed upon, and if he'd wanted to visit with her he could have talked it over with me and we could have together gone to see her on our day off. Anyway, I thought that was the end of it. Well I just got a letter from her tonight and she told me that he'd gone to see her A LOT when we first got married and they'd had a lot of good long talks. I feel as hurt and betrayed as if he'd had an affair...I know it wasn't that but it might as well have been. I know he loved me but you know what? That wasn't enough. Lies and sneaking around are never good enough. I feel angry. When I first read it I was so mad I wished I had him back for just one minute so I could kill him. (Maybe not literally but I'd have liked to have gotten pretty mad at him). I can't kill him, he's dead, I can't even talk to him, I can't yell at him, I can't have him hold me, he can't say he's sorry. I'm just left holding the bag and having to deal with all this stuff. A couple of people asked me what her point was in telling me that. I don't know and I don't care. I have every reason to believe her because he did it before and told me and because I've found he lied to me a million times with relation to his drug use, which I didn't learn about until three weeks before he died. I'd thought we had this made in heaven relationship, I thought we were soul mates, I loved him more than anything in the world, I didn't deserve this, and I don't see how for the life of me if someone loves you they can do such hurtful things. I am so confused, it makes me feel like I don't know what we had or who he was or anything. He's damaged me inside and I'll never feel the same again. I don't know how to forgive a clout that's dead. How much time is this going to take? I've been dealing with this for fourteen months and I'm so sick of the pain!

We had always planned on having our ashes scattered together when we were both gone but right now I don't even want to be with him. I don't know if I can heal or not. I feel like telling my kids they can do whatever with our ashes when I'm gone, except that's not fair or right to them, they don't need put in the middle of this. I need to deal with it but I don't know how. All I feel is pain and it never stops!

Last week I was feeling really depressed, my husband's dead, my job's gone, I'm scared, I'm stressed, and I go on line only to find I can't reach this site. I felt so left out in the cold. I swear, and I know this sounds crazy, but if it wasn't for the cat that God saw fit to put into my life last fall, I don't know what I'd do. That cat was God's gift to me and I know it. I've never had a cat like him, never even SEEN a cat like him, he is the most loving creature I've ever seen. It's as if He sent him to me to give me the love I'm missing.

But the pain...what do I do with the pain and confusion? I feel so all alone on this one.

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I'm sorry, KayC, that you're feeling this way. You're feeling betrayed and can't talk to George about it. The fact that he made a few mistakes and didn't tell you about his visits to his ex-girlfriend doesn't mean he didn't love you. Of course you know that but still it must hurt because he isn't there to explain you his reasons.

Have you met his ex-girlfriend? Maybe it would help you to talk to her, just to make things clear? Well, just a suggestion?

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He'd originally wanted us to be friends. I was open to that, but she broke the ground rules right away when she told me she'd respect our relationship and then offered herself to him if he ever wanted that...so I was finished. But even so, after he died, out of respect to their long standing relationship and her feelings for him, I was very nice to her and let her know what happened and sent her pictures and told her that she'd meant a lot to him. I really don't care to meet her...like my friends said, why would she even tell me this? I have not doubt that it's true, but I have to suspect someone just going out of their way to hurt me like this. But why second guess someone of that caliber? We're clearly not the same sort. My real anger is with George. I hate being lied to. I'd like the satisfaction of throwing him out but that can't happen. And it really stinks that I still have feelings for him, I just don't know what to do with them. If he was alive I would have the brains to know you can't just act on your heart, you have to wake up and smell the coffee...but I just don't know what to do with how I'm feeling. They aren't supposed to go and die and then leave you to find everything out. And I know why he did it, he was lonely and he still had feelings for her and he was used to having her to turn to. But instead of making me feel better it makes me want to kill him all the more. It wasn't like we jumped into this relationship, we were together for almost three years before we married and she wasn't around most of that time...only that short time she feigned friendship with me.

Edited by kayc
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Kay,

After I read your post, I had to go and think and pray about what to say.

Your are right I don't know what you are going through, I didn't have to go through it. First of all, you can yell at George, yell at him all you want wheather it is in your house or where ever his ashes are, just let it all out. You can forgive him, in fact in time you will be able to, it will help you to let go of the feelings you are feeling right now when you can forgive him. Maybe take some of his ashes and throw them somewhere as a symbol of throwing him out of the house if that helps. It will take time, but you will be able to forgive him someday, it is then that you will be able to let this go. Don't hold on for it too long, it will be detramental to your healing. Kay I really feel for you and wish I could give you a hug right now, her writting to you and telling you this shouldn't have happened, she should have just let it go.

Lord, help Kay right now, she is really hurting and needs your love and compassion. Please help her to get to the point of forgiving George for his errors. We know that to forgive someone who has sinned against us is to be closer to you. As the Bible says to forgive your brother 7 times 77. Please help Kay and carry her right now and allow her to feel your preasence. Give her the hug that I am unable to give due to our distance apart. God I just pray that Kay will get through this pain quickly and will resume her recovery in this journey of grief. Thrrough Jesus name I pray. Amen

Kay I love you and hope that this helps in some way.

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Hi KayC,

I know I can not even imagine what you are going through, I have never had to go through what you are right now.... I know he made a few bad choices but by the way you sound before tells me that he still loved you... I agree with Derek when he said to go and yell and let it all out... Than you can start forgiving him for making those bad choices... I will be praying for you and I will ask God to help you with anything He can possible help with. Take Care Shelley

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KayC, I just wanted to write a quick note to say what an awful experience! The pain so unnecessary. If you check my post entitled "Anger" under General Loss, I'm actually referring to being mad at Josh for something along the lines of what you're now experiencing. In Dec, I broke up with Josh for some very good reasons. In Jan, he wrote an angry e-mail telling me three different things he had done that where huge betrayals. From that moment forward, I refused to speak to him. He died March 5. At the wake and funeral, a girl he was driving to see when he was killed showed up and acted like the widowed girlfriend. I had never even heard of her. Very few of his friends knew who she was. Apparently, he met her while we where together and kept in touch with her completely unbeknownst to me. He had seen her twice while we together (she lived in another state, Josh traveled alot) and was on his way to see her for the third time. Besides the things Josh had told me about plus learning about this girl, I have had major issues dealing with these betrayals. For the first 2 months of my grief, this is all I dealt with. However, learning ANYTHING about this girl has only hurt me more. I realized I need to know as little as possible. I have been working on the forgiveness part. My thread about being angry with Josh is related to the fact that he met this girl last year this time. Man, have I been so angry with Josh!!! But I figure, whereever he is know, he must realize what he did that was so wrong. He even came to me in dream saying he realized how wrong he was.(So much for my quick note).

So, my advice, however that may be, is to not contact his ex-girlfriend. Nothing she has to say will make you feel better. You only have the potential to be hurt furhter. Be angry at him. It's okay to be mad, furious, etc at people who are dead. This is hard and frustrating. I wouldn't do anything with his ashes or his belongings while you are mad. I wanted to throw anything of Josh's away, but my counselor at the time recommended I wait. Put it all away in a closet or something until the anger resides. Unfortunately, for now, all you can do is feel the anger and pain and work through it all by yourself. George is no longer here for you to work through all this with. But you can do it. Our relationship with them is not over. So we have to work through the issues that remain. I am so sorry to feel your pain. It's so searing to know our loved one betrayed us. As time goes by, I try to remember the bad less and try to remember the good more. But I have relapses. Check my anger thread. I hope this helps. Or you can ignore it all! Either way, I am so sorry you had to hear all of those painful things.

Many hugs, Kelly

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Kelliemarie, Thank you, what you write only confirms what I already know inside of me. I felt like dumping his ashes at the landfill but I knew I'd regret it and besides I really don't want that to be his final resting place and I'm not that rash of a person. I've had a little more time to think about it...when I first got her letter and read it, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I didn't expect that. I do know that George loved me as much as he knows how to love, and his love for me was great, but it wasn't, unfortunately, what I needed...I need to be able to trust someone and believe in them, I need to be on the same page with them, PARTNERS...and I guess we didn't have that as much as I had thought we had. Your advice to stay away from this woman was sound...I'd thought about writing back and then I thought, what's the point? It was him that wanted us together because he cared about her and thought I could help her...but I don't need or want that and she needs to find her own way...this is too toxic for me. I think it best if I let her and his other friends go...they've disappeared anyway, except for a couple that have been true blue this year. It is extremely difficult to deal with betrayals after death...it makes the whole process about 1000 times harder because you have so much more to deal with than just missing them...and unfortunately, the missing them doesn't totally go away just because we're mad at them or they hurt us. Go figure. I appreciate Derek's prayer too...sometimes when grief hits the hardest for some unknown reason it's harder to pray and other's prayers can carry us through that dark tunnel...we all really do need each other's help. I know also that just because Josh and George were messed up in some way doesn't mean they didn't love us, it just means they were messed up. That's hard to understand but I know it's true, and I honestly don't believe I'm grasping at straws here trying to make love out of nothing...I'm trying to be realistic and see the whole. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you guys, my friends and family here don't have a clue how to help me, they have no idea what I'm going through. My sister just told me maybe this would make me over him. Ha! That doesn't happen. I've long ago quit waiting for the "over" part and realize I have to accept the "live with" instead. But it's the processing stuff and working through it all that's hard. I know I'm not the only one who's gone through this. I wish Ali would have never called or written. I do know one thing, she did the calling him not the other way around because I checked the phone records very carefully when he died and I was looking for her number to notify her and I came up with nothing from our home or cell phones. I have no idea why someone would want to hurt someone else like she did me but who can explain dysfunctional people? It doesn't even matter to me...to me, it was him and our relationship that mattered. And no matter what, no matter how long they were friends, it was me that he loved and me that he cared about more than anything, even with his secrets. I wish he could have felt free to talk to me but I know he wanted me to think well of him...if only he could have been more open with me. I just hope and pray this doesn't damage my relationships and trust factor for the rest of my life. I haven't decided yet how I'll convey my feelings to George...I could write to him but right now I don't even care to. Does he know how he's hurt me? Is he aware? If he is his heart is grieved to the core, I know that.

One way I have dealt with this is I spent quite a while changing my passwords...I had george as my pw several places so I figured if I changed them it'd be like cleaning house and taking my power back. It may not make any sense, but it seemed to make me feel better. :closedeyes:

Edited by kayc
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My sister just told me maybe this would make me over him

What I want to say to your sister is that this whole ordeal makes it HARDER not easier!!!!!

People thought I wouldn't be so upset that Josh died because of all of our issues. Wrong!! Our issues have complicated the whole grief process.

I, too, try to remember that as "messed up" as Josh was he did love me. I'm finally coming to the conclusion that I am sorry for Josh; he did have so many issues. I, too, kind of feel bad for the girl he was driving to see when he died; she thought there was so much more there than everyone else in Josh's life knew about. And I definately agree about the part about not letting this affect our trust in future relationships. I have promised myself to continue trusting people. Also, I try to remember the saying "Love like you've never been hurt before." It's hard but it's the healthiest way I can see.

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KellieMarie,

Thank you for your bits of wisdom. You are so right, this has complicated things rather than made them easier. This is a past that is never done. We are left alone to resolve issues, accept them, figure them out, deal with them, all on our own! I am doing much better today, just having a little time even to put between yourself and initial shock, really helps. I'm trying to take control of my life again. I decided to go back on my Prism diet and lose weight and resume walking. And I decided it's okay to love George or be mad at him, depending on how I'm feeling, for he was a complex person with a complex background and thus my feelings are going to be complex as well.

Good luck in your continued journey, you are brave and you are on the right track!

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KayC, I wholeheartedly feel this way... "I decided it's okay to love George or be mad at him, depending on how I'm feeling, for he was a complex person with a complex background and thus my feelings are going to be complex as well."

It's just so hard to swing the whole array of emotions. One moment remembering the wonderful love and the next a hurtful painful memory. I go through this sometimes throughout the same day. I mean, I wrote about my wonderful experience feeling Josh with me on the whitewater rafting trip to remembering the hurtful things he did when I heard about your experience. It's so complicated!!! As if grief wasn't enough...

It sounds like you are doing the right things too. You're allowing yourself to have all the emotions, not hiding from anything. You're confronting it all. I think that is the only way to get through it. You haven't "stooped" to this other person's level either. You know what's right and you're sticking to it. I think it's also great that you've decided to take control of your life, doing things to feel good about yourself.

You're in my thoughts and I'm sending you many hugs.

Kelly

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I'm sorry you are going through all this, but believe me, other spouses are NOT perfect!

Although I cannot blame my ex-husband for being gay, I am still angry over the way he handled it. Or rather, didn't handle it. He broke up our marriage without telling me why, leaving me to think he hated me, or I had done something too awful to talk about or something. I had to find out through accident and gossip that he was gay. He lied to me about having an affair -- okay, okay, so he could truthfully say no when I asked if there were another WOMAN, but THAT's splitting hairs, isn't it!!!

I found out a LOT when his first lover called me after his death, and spent FIVE HOURS on the phone talking, talking, talking to me -- I listened because I have always been cursed with wanting to know the TRUTH about things. I learned much more than I anticipated -- including that this guy was an absolute JERK! He insisted he was promised things would be left to him, and threatened to challenge the will. It was a mess, and I finally wrote him one very nasty letter, saying he might be able to fool my ex-husband's best friends because they had only known him 15 years, but I knew my ex for 33 years, and knew all this crap Andrew was saying was lies, so back off! He did, but not without sending me an incredibly insulting letter.

Having found out so much of this after my ex's death, I spent a lot of time screaming at him, writing nasty letters and burning them, and otherwise behaving in accordance with my beliefs, which is that they ARE watching over us and able to hear us. And I had dreams where he told me he was sorry. But it took months, more than a year, in fact, for me to feel somewhat resolved over these issues.

How I feel now, is that we are all flawed human beings, and we all make mistakes and hurt the ones closest to us. He was so afraid I would hate him if he told me he was gay. But it backfired -- I hated him for awhile anyway, for leaving me without explanation! And he cared about that guy, but the guy is an alcoholic, and my ex broke up with him long ago, but remained friends with him out of pity. He apologized to me many times for the way he behaved when we broke up -- he said he was selfish. Well, yes, he was, but now I can see his dilemma. We were both brought up to be very conservative, and he didn't want to expose me to his new life. In the end, he made choices that he thought of better later, and tried to make up to me -- and so did I. We were in the turmoil of breaking up what had been a happy marriage, a marriage that hit the rocks for a reason neither of us wanted nor could change or control. We both reacted in ways that were perhaps not the best, but we did the best we could. Even if our best sucked!

There is something that occurred to me very strongly when I read your post, and you were wondering why the female friend would say things to you that hurt you about her friendship with your husband. I have one word for you: jealousy. It was the same with my ex's old boyfriend. I realized he was terribly jealous, because my ex made it clear to him they could not have a long term relationship, and that he was having trouble dealing with his sexual orientation because he still loved me. And he told me he still did love me, even 20 years later when he was terminally ill. I believe that woman is jealous of you, because friendship or not, your husband loved you, and she was jealous. She thinks it will make her feel better to try to make YOU feel jealous. Ignore her. He made his choice -- he was married to you.

I hope that helps. If we were all perfect, love would not be that big a deal. Love is such a miracle because we are loved even though we are all flawed, imperfect human beings. We can love each other even when we are furious and hurting -- that's the miracle.

Go ahead and scream at him, and write letters that express your feelings. Burn them, keep them, whatever you want. It doesn't feel good while you are feeling the anger, but expressing it is the way through it. I believe he hears you. But whether you believe it or not, it's still healthy to express it. (Maybe not dumping the ashes at the landfill, but I can understand the impulse!)

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KayC,

I understand your pain...I lost my husband to cancer 2 months ago. We have 3 children together, 2 grandchildren. We had been together over 35 years. We found out only a month and half before he died. He didn't want anyone to know he was sick his reason being he didn't want anyone to feel sorry for him. I never dealt with his illness because I was so busy trying to say postive for him, we never really got a chance to say goodbye. Anyway a week after he was buried I open his cell phone bill to pay it and have it cancelled. There were pages of calls he had made to different women until a week before he die, mine me he could hardly talk because the tumor was pressing on his voice cord. I found out one of the women was the sister of his friend, another was a co worker, I really don't know who the others were. He had been call his friend's sister for over a year and half. At that time I wanted to dig him up to kill him again pain was undesrible. Now here is the killer 2 weeks later we receive a call from his daughter 27 years old that I knew nothing about he had an eleven year affair with her mother. I have been so depressed, angry, sick at my stomach, I can't sleep. I can't seem to get past it and it is really taking it toll. I really feel like a big fool not knowing about this child, everyone else knew but me and my children. One of his friend said he didn't want to tell me because he knew I would leave him I hate him for that. I have been doing thing that are just out of my character, spreading this information to anyone that will listen and that's not like me I am generally a very private person. I know I need professional help I intend to get it soon.

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I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties. This complicates your grief so much, and you have a right to your anger. I think talking to a good counselor would help you sort out your feelings and find your best path through this very difficult journey. My heart goes out to you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Ann

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Hi, I'm going through a similar-ish thing. My partner died suddently 5 weeks ago of a heart attack. Although we had only been together 4 years he was my soul mate. The first 3 years were great but then he injured his back and he became quite depressed and lashed out at me often. He started playing on the internet alot, I didn't think much of it as it seemed to make him happy and when he was on there he wasn't being unreasonable to me. 4 weeks before he died his back suddenly improved and he sat me down and apologised for the way he had treated me over the previous months and asked if I'd let him make it up to me - I agreed and we started making plans again. We had gone out on what he called a date 4 days before and we had booked a romantic weekend away for the weekend after he died - we were happy again - so I thought.

I stayed with family for 3 days after he died and when I got home I checked his e-mails to find 3 from a woman each one becoming more desperate that he hadn't been in touch. I replied to her asking who she was and why she was e-mailing my partner. She told me that she lived abroad and that she'd been in contact with him since February and that they had planned to meet. I then found a hidden mobile bill with over 40 texts sent to a international number. I then looked over all previous bills and there were several more texts and one long phone call to her going back to February. His phone was on my contract so I received the bills but I never checked them. I know their relationship was a sham as he told her he was 37 (he was 47) that he was very sporty (he hadn't played sports since his injury) and that we'd been married for 12 years (he was married for 12 yrs but got divorced 10 yrs ago). The only comfort I can take is that he only texted her once at the beginning of June and none since, yet she sent me their last e-mail chat which was in the early hours of the day he died. I know all his loggon details so I could have checked his e-mails at any time yet I trusted him. I wish I could go back a few months and check the phone bills and e-mails and ask him why? I'm so confused was he really going to leave me for her - as she has led me to believe or did he just need someone to see him as the strong man he was before his pain? I miss him so much it physically hurts and I'm so lonely as I lost contact with all my friends over the past year while nursing him. I sit a home alone every night while this woman taunts me by e-mail.

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AnnC:

Your quote "Love is such a miracle because we are loved even though we are all flawed, imperfect human beings." is so very true. I feel my trust was violated and I don't know who he was or what we had because there were so many lies...but two things everyone who knew us seem to agree upon:

1) He loved me more than anything

2) He had some serious problems

A mutual friend of ours told me it was extremely important to George what others thought of him and he would satisfy this predicament by living a dual life, or letting others see what he knew they'd want to see, yet because he didn't know how to change, he'd keep his real self hidden. I know now that is true. I have experienced being lied to by others before and know that is often at the heart of it...they cared so much what I thought of them...too much it seems...so they couldn't be their real self to me. Yet all I have ever wanted is honesty. It is hard for the other person to know how much you really love them if they can't even show themselves to you. It is hard for them to have healthier self esteem if they continually hide themselves from others. It is up to us to forgive and accept that they loved us the best that they could, even if it was faulty, even if it wasn't enough by our standards...it was what they had.

Several others of you have posted your own experiences of betrayal and I just want to say that my heart breaks for you. We all have a lot to work out. Keep working on it though and don't let anger get the best of you. This one thing I know to be true:

Once I worked for someone who had an affair with one of his employees (not me :o ) and when his wife learned about it, she was understandably livid. I had known his wife for over 20 years and knew her to be a very gracious and wise lady. They all went to my church. But his wife would not forgive this other person...she forgave her husband, but not the other lady. She said she did, but she really didn't. She held bitterness in her heart and anger burned like a hot coal inside of her. And it changed her. I do not want that to happen to me. Forgiveness is essential...perhaps to yourself even more than to the other person. Forgiveness sets us free from the power of wrong and hurtfulness.

Edited by kayc
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Cate,

You wrote " I wish I could go back a few months and check the phone bills and e-mails and ask him why? I'm so confused was he really going to leave me for her - as she has led me to believe or did he just need someone to see him as the strong man he was before his pain?" I think you answered your own question when you said his relationship with her was a sham...he didn't tell her his right age or correct facts...I doubt he had lasting plans to be with her but rather was living out a fantasy life in which he was a jock, etc. It was hard for him to be that with you because you knew him, you knew about his injury, etc...but with her he could be anything he wanted. Maybe she wouldn't have been interested had she known the real him. Don't torture yourself anymore...let go of the mails and any contacts with her...remember what you had and try to relegate what he did to the place it had in his life...nothing more than sheer fantasy of someone who apparently needed their ego tickled. You had plans for a romantic getaway...it was you he wanted to be with and would have been with had he lived.

Cherished,

You wrote "I really feel like a big fool not knowing about this child, everyone else knew but me and my children." That is the feeling I had too, feeling stupid because I was duped. But I was not stupid...I acted on the knowledge that I had and some people are very good liars and very convincing...we can't fault ourselves for that. If we had known in any way and would have pretended that we didn't, THEN you could say we were stupid.

Try not to let this event change you, in remaining yourself and continuing to act on your usual scruples, you don't let it have power over you and that is the greatest power of all!

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Cate,

I can understand wht you are going through, hopefully in a way that helps.

My ex-husband was the standard "one in every port" sailor. Yes, he was a Coast Guard pilot, and could run a ship anywhere. Unfortunately, I also ended up with some interesting diseases before the divorce! (in fact, they were the reason for the divorce).

That, however, is not the reason I am posting.

I remarried several years after I left my ex, but I had a love between the two who has recently died. It's all posted under the "Why do I feel this way" post.

If you read it, you will see that I deeply loved another man before I met my husband. I mourne him, I miss him, and I still love him. That does not mean that I do not love the man that is now snoring on my couch! My husband is beyond belief, especially since he accepts that I mourne the man I still love!

Crazy, isn't it? Kinda like your man? Loving his wife while he never forgot another woman that he also loved?

I never cheated on my husband, but my ex cheated on me. In fact, my ex-husband moved his girlfriend into my house while I was six months pregnant with our youngest! Sounds like Jerry Springer stuff, but it's true.

What I want to say is, don't hate him. You have the love and the life you shared. If he gave something to another woman, does it really matter? Does it take away what you had? Does it somehow lessen your love?

I know the feeling of a cheating spouse. I understand the pain of feeling that you weren't enough. Believe me, I've been there! But, you can't do that to yourself. My wonderful husband refuses to do that to himself. He knows about my lost love, the one who died, the one I posted about. He KNOWS that I miss that man, but I also love the man who made my life complete.

The anger will be there, and I am willing to help you and be there any way I can. But please do not let go of the love the two of you shared. Somehow, my husband has held on to that through the grief that I am going through.

Either grief that you feel I will do all I can to help.

Cyndy

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am having a hard time laying this to rest...I feel like I need to know what George and I had in order to know what to do with it. In the whole time we were married, I never question his love for me. But when a friend of his told me on Christmas Eve that he had pawned the ring I had given him for a wedding present...and then his former girlfriend contacted me a month or so ago and told me he had come to see her LOTS of times after we were married...then last week, I was relaying to another friend how he had torn up his picture of his former girlfriend and I had told him he didn't have to do that, but he did anyway...and they told me that there was something more to it than that, that they knew George really well and he wouldn't have torn it up unless something preceeded it, like if he wanted to go to bed with her and she refused...this was after we were married. I felt so kicked in the stomach. How do you handle news like this? And did everyone in the world know what I didn't? Another friend asked me last week what clues I had missed, why hadn't I seen this? As if it is somehow MY fault! What clues indeed? I don't recall there BEING any clues! Don't most people believe their husbands? He did a very good job at keeping things from me apparently. He lived a dual life and I was only privy to one of them. So why indeed? Why would all these "friends" say these things, and why now? I don't get it! What am I supposed to do with this information? I need to know if George loved me, I need to know what I meant to him, I need to know what to do with my feelings and how to feel about him now. And I can't afford therapy right now, I'm out of work...it seems like everything just keeps getting worse and worse. Today is the third day I have been sick and I feel so alone.

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My dear Kay,

As I read your posts over the last few weeks my heart just aches for you. I know you’re struggling with so much right now, and I cannot imagine how overwhelmed you must feel with all of it.

As I’m sure you are aware, your grief becomes more complicated each time you’re given yet another piece of unwanted and unsolicited information about your husband from these so-called “friends” who have such a need to share this unsavory stuff with you – and the uncertainty and doubt it creates in your mind and heart keeps chipping away at your image of the relationship you thought you had with George. Add to that the disappointment and rejection you must feel each time you gear up for an employment interview only to learn later that you didn’t get the job, and it’s a wonder that you have any self-esteem left at all. But keep in mind that, regardless of what you have learned about George since he died, regardless of your present joblessness and indebtedness, you are still a good and decent person – a person of great value and worth – and you have done nothing, nothing, nothing to be ashamed of.

I want to recognize and honor your willingness to share so openly and honestly with us all these secrets you’ve discovered and how you feel about them, Kay. I know from reading your posts that your feelings run the gamut, from deep love to confusion to disappointment to anger to murderous rage, and all those feelings need to be acknowledged and expressed, so they can be confronted and resolved. It’s extremely important that you don’t keep all of this bottled up inside, especially since you don’t have a therapist to confide in right now. At least posting in our forums gives you one way to get some of this off your chest and to find some relief, and I encourage you to continue to do so. I’d also like to offer some additional suggestions.

All these revelations about your husband leave you with questions unasked and unanswered, with so much left unfinished and unsaid. As a result, you may feel restless, “stuck” and unable to move along on your grief journey. Until you can seek help from an “in person” support group, grief counselor or therapist, is there anything you can do to get started on resolving some of this unfinished business with your husband?

Think about how you might confront George on his behavior toward you before his death. Make a written list of everything that was left unfinished when he died. Think about how you would have wanted it finished and write it down, perhaps in the form of a letter. Include all your frustrations, hopes and dreams for this relationship. Take as much time as you need to get this letter written, and when you’re satisfied that you’ve included everything you need to say, construct some sort of ritual during which you can bury or burn the letter. (It’s wise to make a copy first, in case you want to share its contents later with a counselor, therapist or trusted friend). Another option is to put a picture of your husband in a chair opposite your own, so you can have a talk (or several talks) with him.

Another powerful, effective and fairly inexpensive self-help tool that you might seriously consider is guided imagery. The ones I highly recommend are by Belleruth Naparstek, nationally recognized innovator in the field. At less than $20 apiece, her audio CDs are affordable and, in Belleruth’s words, highly effective in “reminding your body what it already knows how to do: self-soothe.” She describes guided imagery as “the poor man’s meditation; it’s cheaper, portable, more accessible, and dependent on the self (that is, it returns control to the user).” I think you would find these tools quite helpful, Kay, not only in processing your feelings but also in bolstering your self-confidence and self-esteem as you continue your job-search.

The two I would recommend for you are A Meditation for Relaxation and Wellness and A Meditation to Help with Anger and Forgiveness. Click on the titles and you can read Amazon’s description and reviews of each. (Another one of my personal favorites is A Meditation to Ease Grief.) See also Belleruth’s Health Journeys Web site, where you can download her catalog and listen to samples of her programs.

At the very least, Kay, please know that you are not alone. Here you are among many good and caring people who identify with your struggles, admire your honesty and courage, and are pulling for you every step of the way. We'll stay right here beside you, and we will do whatever we can to help you get through this very difficult time.

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Marty,

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I have experienced suggestive imagry in the past and know that it is often helpful in healing and forgiveness. Just this week I heard somewhere that it is not necessary to understand to forgive. I have always found it helpful to understand, but now I realize that forgiveness is an act apart from understanding and requires a source beyond ourselves and it is to that end that I look. I also realize that had George lived, reality is, we may not have made it...that is a sad realization to me but I also realize that it is in no way a measurement of our love for each other for we loved each other as deeply as anyone has ever loved...our passion for each other was every bit as deep as Romeo and Juliet or any other lovers we have heard about. But reality sometimes is more complicated than just love...and the reality of drugs is that sometimes people find their way out...and sometimes they don't. And sometimes family members must protect themselves and that is a harsh reality. So I try to remember what I know to be true about him that is good and recognize that he really was messed up and even though I love and loved him, his problems may have been more than either of us could handle. Our loving God in his grace and kindness to us spared both of us from knowing what tomorrow might have brought...let alone having to face it. I know I can go to heaven and see him and accept him and love him as he is and was and God will make right whatever wrongs have taken place. Simply put, when tomorrow comes, none of this will matter but our love will still stand. I have learned a great deal this past year. I still love the man, but I can't be naive or pretend these things didn't exist...and while I may not have been fully aware of everything when he died, I now know there are and remain a lot of unanswered questions. As to the so called friends, some of what they have told me may be true, but some may not. As to whether or not he hawked his ring I gave him...perhaps it was a friend he stayed with during the week that chose to keep it...I did, after all, contact every pawn shop in the area with no results...but no matter, whatever took place, it is another unaswered question that no longer even matters. The same is true for his relationship with his former love and friend...I still believe he loved me and was true to me, but I do know he was lonely and they had quite a long history together and I can see where it was natural for him to turn to her as a friend...I also know that friendship was phased out for, after all, it took her a year after he died before she contacted "us"...not knowing "us" was now a "me" so that shows me they hadn't been having regular or recent contact. Anyone who ever saw us together in no way doubts our love for each other. I may not know everything to know about him, but it was me who was closest to him and made the biggest difference in his life...I, in fact, made him happier than he had ever been. And I know he wanted to be drug free. It just goes to show what damage drugs does to families and makes me all the more opposed to them. I write candidly on this site because there just might be someone else out there that has experienced some of what I have that needs to know they are not alone...that and the fact that it is therapeutic to get all of this off my chest. And it has been very helpful, the insights and encouragement that others have shared with me. I love you all.

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Kay,

I have been reading your posts for quite some time now due to they come to my email without my actually logging in. I have been going through a lot lately and haven't been able to be there for you other than in prayer. I wish I could take away all of your pain right now and that the people that have been giving you this information would just leave well enough alone. I believe they are trying to ease their own consience, but at the expense of your feelings. It sounds like though you are getting it. To be able to forgive George for what he has done will brring you closer to God. I think also if you forgive him, it will lay to rest all of the emotions and resentment you are going through. You don't have to know the full story to be able to forgive him, in fact you don't need to know the full story. You know that George truly loved you or you wouldn't have been married for so long. You were the best wife you could be and you did nothing wrong. You are a strong caring woman and are doing well with the circumstances you are going through right now. Keep doing what you are doing and you will be fine.

I want you to imange that I am there, giving you a big hug that you need and deserve right now. If I was there I would give that to you.

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kayc -- I think you are doing great with this unbelievably difficult situation. I agree that you should treat your "friends" versions of events with skepticism. I have to question why they would bring all this up now? My experience was similar, and it's so hard when you can't even confront him with it and get answers! I'm impressed with your wisdom in handling, though. Keep posting, it helps to express it!

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Derek and Ann,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am unable to really talk to anyone but the people here on this site anymore because other people act as if I should just be over it or they want to preserve his memory as if he was a perfect angel, even though they know he's not (or I want to protect them by preserving it for them) and so I have no sounding board other than this one. Derek I appreciate your praying and saying so because all of my life I have turned to God and prayed and it helps to have someone else who is also..."Where two or three are gathered together in My Name, there am I in the midst of them." "The fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." I think I understand George's friends and why they say what they do...it's not all of them, just some of them and I think they have their own motives and feelings that get in the way. I think distance is perhaps best in some cases, which most of them have already put into play anyway. Can't life be complicated?! ;)

Derek, I wonder why you're getting my postings as emails? I'm sorry, that must really clog up your emails!

Edited by kayc
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