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hi and thanks for reading this.

Like i posted before My wife passed away on 1/14/04. I am so greatfull for Hospice of the Valley. I would not be where I am today with grief and loss as I am today.

Yesterday I went through some more of my wifes belongings. I am not sure if I mentioned this before so sorry for reapting my self. My and wife and I sepperated in the last part of September in 2003. We were just getting back on track when she went in the hospital on Nov, 21 2003. For diabetic coma her enzimes in her liver were elevated in the 1000's when normal is in the low 100's.

Any how I 'm working through this gulit that if I would of been there more for her I would of seen her illness comming on and took her to the hospital my self be for her condition got worse. But being the self centered jerk I am. I did not see this comming. Any how I went to her apartment yesterday and brought her electric wheel chair home so I can itmready to sell or give away. Which ever God will ahve me do.

Any how I went through some more of her boxes. I found her glucose monitor. I opened it up. and looked at her log book. Her last date for checking her sugars was in July. I lost it, Still feel very gulity now for not paying closer atttention to my wife and her medical. Man i can sure beat my self up over this. And I thought I was getting better? What a joke. Now insted of feeling sorry formy self now I am blaming my self. I wonder what is next? I did not feel this way before i was writing but now the tears are really flowing.

God why I am feeling this way. I kow it's not my fault. Or is it? Man the pain is still so fresh and now this blaming thing is going on. when will it all end? I know I will always miss her and she will have a specail place in my heart for the rest of my life. But this has got to get easier. It has too. Don

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Don,

The doubting, anger, fear, guilt, etc. is all part and parcel of this grief dance that we do. Yes you are right, you have no actual responsibility in your wife's death, you know that intellectually, but you still wonder. This is pretty much a normal part of mourning, the would haves, could haves, should haves, as if we had the power to control everything or anything.

My guilt was that I am in the health profession, and should have recognized that Bob was having heart problems before it got to that point (as if I could have done anything to prevent the heart attack). I should have made sure that he took better care of himself, and not smoked or drank, ate better, slept better, played better, etc. The realization came to me eventually, that I could not control his life nor his dying. That no matter how much I beat myself up for not doing this or that, it was not going to bring him back to me. I finally got that under control, and then I got to the guilt of smiling or laughing at something, when he was not here to enjoy it. How dare I forget my pain for even a moment? But this too passes with time and healing.

Don, this is all part of loving someone so much. If we hadn't loved them, their loss would be a small consequence to us, but we did and the hurt at times is unbearable. No one will ever replace them, they were unique and our relationship with them was unique. I sometimes think it is harder on the guys as far as the guilt thing because of the mindset of our society and the belief that the man is supposed to be the protector and fix everything. In our hearts we know that is not true, but in our heads we buy into that, and suffer the guilt that goes with it.

Keep talking Don, reaching out to any who will listen to you pour out your pain and frustration. Before long you will be reaching out to someone else who is where you are right now, and it will hit you that you are indeed healing. I am sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in when the pain becomes unbearable. Know that there are many of us out here supporting you in prayer and uplifting thoughts.

Love and Blessings,

Lynda (bobsgal)

my other half

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