My Husband Clay, The Love Of My Life

[BarbaraM]

I lost my husband Clay who was my soul mate, best friend, suddenly on August 29th. He was 63, I'm 56. He woke up that morning and said his tongue was numb and he was slurring his words. He thought he was having a stroke. He arrived at the hospital at 9:00 a.m. He had been having some usual stomach problems for a few days and that was it.

They couldn't get a temperature reading the conventional way because it was so low - 95 degrees. His blood pressure was normal - great in fact. His white blood cell count was through the roof and his lung x-rays came back highly abnormal. His lungs sounded good though - he was getting good air exchange. They started him on a mega dose of antibiotics to try and stabilize the blood. They admitted him and said he would probably be there 4-5 days until they diagnosed what was wrong.

Once he was in his room with the nurses making him comfortable and doing everything that they do, we decided I should go home, let the dogs out and bring back his blanket and pillow. I hugged and kissed him, told him I loved him and the last thing I heard as I went out the door was "I love you".

No sooner did I get home than the hopsital called and said they had moved him to ICU and I had better come back. I was there within 10 minutes and he was already unconscious and intubated. He had coded right after I walked out the door and was without oxygen for 10 minutes until they were able to stabilize him somewhat. His body was so septic that all his major organs were shutting down. They told me to talk to him - that he would hear me. I held his hand and told him not to go, I loved and needed him. I was hoping for a gentle squeeze of my hand, but nothing happened. He coded again and they were able to bring him back. At that point it was decided that if he coded again, I would let him go rest in peace. They were going to try and give him a blood transfusion. They never got to give it to him. He coded again and was gone.

I never had a clue that he was so sick. I'm sure he knew but didn't say anything because he didn't want to worry me. I am quite angry at that. To have him suddenly wrenched from my life is horrible. The night before he died he was in the kitchen cooking dinner. He did tell me the week before that he had a dream that he was going to die. I said to myself "where did that come from?". And I blew it off.

Never to feel his soft touch on my cheek or never to hold his hand again while falling asleep is unbearable right now. The pain is still too raw to conceive a life without him. I have never lived alone until now. Went from parent's house to first marriage then to Clay. We had just moved to a new home in a new location the beginning of July. We knew no one except our real estate agent, but that didn't matter. We had each other and the 2 dogs. He loved it here and had all sorts of plans. I will carry out most of those plans. There were a few I wasn't too crazy about but never said anything because he was so hyped up. He will have a military funeral on Sept 29th which would have been our anniversary. I couldn't think of a more appropriate time to say my final goodbye.

The lonliness is overwhelming right now. I know I will make it through this because I am a strong person and Clay wouldn't have wanted me to grieve for him the rest of my life. I will celebrate and remember all the good times we had together. But it's very hard right now.

Strength to us all.

Barb

[dpodesta]

Barb,

I am so sad to hear about your loss, I lost my wife 5 1/2 months ago to a sudden heart attack while we were on vacation with my 7 year old son. I know it is hard right now because of it being all of a sudden. You have found a great site to come to, everyone here have been very caring and quick to respond to a post. Please feel free to post anything about what you are going through and we will be here to help. It is going to feel lonely for awhile, but that does get better as time goes on. I still feel the lonelyness at night when I lay down in bed. My Golden Retriever now sleeps with me, but it isn't the same as you can well imagine. You will be in my prayers as you go through this difficult time. Hope to hear more from you as to how you are doing.

[chrissy777]

Barb,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my 36 year old husband during a bone marrow transplant. It was unexpected for me too and I never had the chance to say goodbye. It is so hard and unbeleiveable. Your life is just taken from you and you have to keep on going. Our lives will never be the same. I hope you find comfort here and talking to others that have experienced that grief. Its hard to beleive that there are people out there that feel as you do but I have found so many here that do. Take care of yourself.

[STOO]

Barb,

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through right now. I lost the love of my life, unexpectedly, on July 1st. I do know some of what you are feeling.

It has only been a few hours since you first posted, and this is your third reply. See - you have come to a good place, and we will listen and respond to you. I'm sorry that you have not met many friends in your new home as yet, but you will find you will make many here.

I will think of and pray for you as the date for the funeral approaches. Come here and share any time you need to.

~Stoo~

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[kayc]

Barb,

I am sorry you lost your husband...you are right, it will be lonely and right now you are still probably in shock over it. I lost my husband too unexpectedly and suddenly...heart attack...I never got to say goodbye or tell him it was okay to go. I feel bad that the hospital didn't let me be with him when he died. The love never goes away and along with it, the grief doesn't really either, but we do get more used to it eventually. I remember for me how very hard the weekends were at first...still are, when I am alone. The things you are used to doing together are hard...for me it was hard to get groceries, we always did it together. You will experience all kinds of emotions...know that each of them are okay and normal and don't be afraid to express them here. We've all been going through the same thing and we are here for each other. God help you in this.

[BarbaraM]

Hi Derek, Chrissy, Stoo and Kayc:

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry for every one of your losses. To lose one's soul mate suddenly and not be able to say goodbye or even see him/her simply stinks. The void right now is bottomless. I know it will change one day and I keep on telling myself that. It just scares me that I will never be able to adjust to life without him.

The funeral director brought Clay's remains today together with the flag for his service next week. I also got a companion urn to keep with me at home. I thought I would feel a little peaceful about him being here. I feel nothing. I guess the numbness hasn't worn off yet. I don't want to bury him and I don't want to say goodbye.

Take care and strength to us all.

Barb

[SEshbaugh]

I can honestly say I know what you are going thru because I'm there but just a fewmore months have paassed. My husband & I met back in the 60's but I was dating his brother & he was married. Little did I know that almost 30 years & half way across the country, we would meet again. We did in '93 & married in "95, we always said from the start of the marriage, this is where we should have been the 1st time around, but maybe it took all those growing up years & raising kids to realize how much we appreciated each other. He reired in 2002, we moved from Oregon to Arizona in 2003 & thought we had it pretty good. We have some family here, but the kids are too far away (Illinois) & made friends. Neither of us is a couch potato so we found parttime jobs to keep us busy & meet other people, we both worked with the public. He woke up 1 morning in July '05, saying his left hand wasn't working properly (couldn't button his shirt) but when in to his job. They suggested he go to the doctor, like you we thought it was a minor stroke, so what can they do. He started exercising his left hand (that is all that was affected) but made an apt 2 days later. They started running tests on a Monday, Wednesday we got the results. It was lung cancer that had already spread to the brain, he had a complete physical in January, with nothing showing up to be concerned about. They started him on radiation (22 sessions ) & chemo (6 sessions). He made it through all to end up in the hospital with pnemonia, we didn't know he had that either no signs other than to weak to get out of bed even with my help. He returned home on Hopice 5 days later and made it not quite a month. It was 1 day short of 3 months from diagnosis to his passing. My sister & I spent the night in the living room with him up about every 1/2 hr, somewhere between 5:30 A,M. & 6:15 A.M. he just didn't wake up, that was on a Wednesday. It all happened so fast but on Monday I knew it wouldn't be much longer, he took a nap, when he woke he basically was gone (didn't know who I was). All the kids had visited sao had a very good friend from Or. the minister came Monday morning & we had communion at my husbands request. Its as though he knew, now everything was taken care. Monday eve I asked if he knew who I was, whats my name, he could say it but that was all he said. He was conscious to the end but Tuesday he was pretty much in another world, didn't say anything. I never really thought about life without him especially since it took so long for us to find each other & he was not one to have health issues. Our minister read a letter I wrote to my husband expaining how I felt. I never understood how your spouse could be your best friend but he was, we never fought we could discuss our differences which were very few at this stage in our life. Before he passed away, I did tell him if he was ready to go I would understand, I would always love him terribly (that was our saying to each other)but I would get through. I know my life will never be the same, it will be a year next month. The end of July I finally went to work which I enjoy my job (no pressure, office work) but still am not use to the empty house & someone else waiting for me to share the rest of the day & night with. Its an empty feeling that I don't know how to get rid of.

[BarbaraM]

Hi Shirley <many hugs>:

I don't think that empty feeling will ever go away. It will probably lessen in intensity, but something is missing from our lives that can never be replaced - no matter if we remarry and go on to live life with a new <but different> love.

I understand what you mean by saying this is where you should have been the first time around. I was married for 21 years before Clay came into my life and when I think back on it now, I cannot imagine how I could have stayed married that long the first time. Clay and I were definitely soul mates - meant to be. We didn't have to even talk to each other at times, just being in the same house was enough. He taught me so many things about life and myself. He was legally blind so he saw with his heart - not with his eyes.

My heart goes out to you. To stand by and watch your spouse deteriorate before your eyes has got to be just as difficult as having them gone in a blink of the eye. They're still gone.

Take care and strength to us all.

Barb

[Roswell]

Barbara,

There are times when I am most quiet, and short on words. This is one of them.

Forgive me, and please accept my sincerest condolences.

So sorry for your loss!

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Kindly, William

[BarbaraM]

Hi William:

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. No forgiveness is necessary. Your concern is most appreciated. I am so touched that perfect strangers reach out to support each other in times like this. I have worked with some people for the last 10 years and they have yet to say "I'm sorry for your loss" or even acknowledge that Clay died. That simply dumbfounds me. I know there are people who don't know how to deal with death or with someone who has experienced a devastating loss - but what happened to common courtesy? Maybe I'm expecting too much from the people who I thought were my friends.

I'm sorry you're a member of this community as well. My condolences to you.

Take care and strength to us all.

Barb

[chrissy777]

I also got a companion urn to keep with me at home. I thought I would feel a little peaceful about him being here. I feel nothing. I guess the numbness hasn't worn off yet. I don't want to bury him and I don't want to say goodbye.

Take care and strength to us all.

Barb

Barb,

I just wanted to say that I keep my husbands ashes with me at my home and they seem to bring me alot of comfort now.. I am able to go and visit with him here like others do when they go to the cemetary and in a way it is nice. I just wanted to say that in the beginning it didnt feel this way but with time it did. In time if I get up the courage I might go and spread some of his ashes in the woods where he loved to camp and hike, but right now they are comforting to me in a way.. Take care of yourself and God Bless

[kayc]

"Maybe I'm expecting too much from the people who I thought were my friends." No, I don't think you're expecting too much...but apparently a lot of people out there are unable to give what they should. I only know that I will keep this in mind the rest of my life, and if anyone I know loses someone, I don't want to do a disappearing act on them like we have all experienced.

To lose someone's soulmate is the hardest thing in the world...it is that very soulmate you are used to turning to in life and now when you need them the most, they aren't there to comfort you. I remember feeling relieved when I got George's ashes, relieved that he would be with me and not the family that had always treated him rotten, but I can't say as I ever felt comforted by them...for they are his ashes, not his spirit. Some people feel their husband/wife came to them in a dream or showed them a sign some way or another, I haven't had that, maybe it'd be easier if I had, but I've had to find my own way with all of this and it's been tough. I am very thankful to the people on this site, and to the--I know it sounds crazy, but--the dog and cats God's given me, for they've been company to me when there's been no one else. Now if I could only get a job that would enable me to keep my home...things like that make death all the harder. Things like not being able to open a jar or lift something...your husband always did that. Not having someone to give you a ride home from the car repair. No one to massage your back when it hurts. No one to share a movie with or enjoy that special meal your fixed with. No one there to smile at you, to talk or listen to you. No one to help you pull out the refrigerator. No one to go on walks with. The things a married couple do together are immense...measurable only when it's taken away. I hear of people who spent 50 years together...I can't imagine how hard it must be for them. When you reach the point where one starts a sentence and the other finishes it...