This Is The First Time I Have Ever Written And I Am Scared Doing It

[Jamie]

Benita,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have been slow in responding because I am literally falling apart. Today marks the 11 month that I lost the love of my life Herman and I am struggling to find reasons to go on.

I truly know that I have my 2 sons, my soon to be daughter-in -law and my new granddaugher, I do, and I am trying so hard but the pain is so intense. I miss Herman so much that I cannot even desribe it.

This wasn't the way it was supposed to be.........

Jamie

[LarrysGirl]

Lori, I was thinking of you today and wondering how you were coping. My eleven months will be Monday the 16th. I know you are hurting. We do miss them so much and it wasn't supposed to turn out this way, thats for sure. I wish there was something I could say that would make this alittle better but I'm sure the same goes for you as it does for me, I just want Larry to come home. Hang in there, I'm here for you. Deborah

[STARKISS]

Hi Jamie,

I want to Welcome you to the site, and I hope you find peace while you are here... The people here really care and understand what you are going through.. As we are all the our own personal grief journey, even though we do not do it the same way we do it in similar ways... Take care and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts Shelley

[Jamie]

Larrys Girl and Starkiss,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I did not come on the computer at all yesterday... I was so numb, empty and lost, as I always am. I sat on the furniture and sobbed all day.

Yesterday was the day that Herman had different seizures and today is the day that I took him to the hospital and my world started to crumble.

I am trying so hard to hang on but I am losing the battle. I am too empty to continue. I feel so abandoned by the people I thought might be there for me...family and the people Herman and I thought were our friends. They all want me to get over it and I just can't.

I guess I am feeling sorry for myself, I don't know what else to call it. Our own boys won't even talk to me about there dad....they have said it hurts too much, I am trying to give them space but I feel like I have been abandonded by them too.......I just want them to talk to me about their dad, say his name, tell me how much they miss him (I know they do) but they don't and I get so confused and depressed and confused and on and on it goes and I really don't feel like existing anymore. I say existing because I am not living now, I stopped living the sedcond Herman died..now I only exist and I don't even know if I can keep doing that anymore without Herman in my life.

Larry's girl....I ache so much for you, the 11th month without Larry is tomorrow and I have this feeling that you may be feeling like I am tomorrow.

I am stuggling and feel that here is no reason to be here anymore. Thank you all for your love and support during my time hear.

Thank you all for your understanding and Compassion.....Jamie

[kayc]

Jamie,

I urge you to please tell your boys what you are feeling, that you need to talk with them about their dad. You are feeling what so many of us have felt, lonely, disconnected, abandoned. It's bad enough to lose the one we love but it seems like a package deal...we lose everyone, everything, all at once. I am sorry. I guess we need to rebuild our lives and most of us just don't feel like it...not yet anyway. I've tried so hard and I'm still feeling this way. Maybe it really is 3 steps forwards, 2 steps backwards...maybe we really are making progress but it's so hard to see in the middle of it. There's just pain.

[spunkye]

Dear Jamie,

I'll give you a reason to hang on - ME...your posts have helped ME so much...and ME is on my mind so much these days!!..since my husband died. I'm sure there are many, many others on this site that feel the same way I do.

I don't think we go through this pain for no reason - we CAN be hope for someone else - and you are hope for ME. Sharing your memories, sharing some of Herman's life, sharing your feelings and thoughts, all of that gives ME hope for my own self...it allows me to know I'm not alone - that I'm not screwy.

God bless and Love,

Benita

[Jamie]

Kayc and Benita:

Thank you so much for your replies.

Kayc - I have tried to talk with my boys but they say it hurts them too much and I don't want to hurt them more than they are already from losing their dad and you are right as selfish as it sounds I do feel abandond. You are so right about the package deal. I feel like nothingness, just empty and alone.

Benita - Thank you for your very kind words...its only that I cannot comprehend how I could help you or anyone on this site when all I have done since the start is to say how horrible this existance is without Herman. I don't mean to whine but it seems that is all I do now.

I ache so desperately to feel Herman's arms wrapped around me telling me everything will be okay like he always did when I felt bad. It is so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I am getting so tired of trying.

Jamie

Edited October 17, 2006 by Jamie

[kayc]

Jamie,

I tell you how you help us...you are one of us, you understand, you experience the same things we do, and that helps us not feel so crazy or abnormal. We ARE all in this together and it's as if we have bonds between us and those bonds are what has gotten me through these last 16 months. You help me feel connected to someone/something by being there and being YOU!

[Jamie]

Not sure if I should even be posting this.......I haven't been on this site for about a week because I don't know how to continue doing this faking of getting through and I am tired of being judged by people I thought would be there for me. Had a big blow up with my older son and I am so tired of continuing on, they say I don't have to do this alone but when I tell them how I feel they tell me not to count, not to do this and that...I just don't have anymore strength. Herman has been out of my reach, my touch today for 11 months and 8 days but I shouldn't be counting should I. Started a new job on the 11th, now I leave without his hug good bye and come back to our home without Herman in it and without his arms outstretched to hold me even when he was the one going through all the treatments. I am so tired, so exhausted and feeling so guilty because I have no right to feel that way when Herman endured so much, but all I want is to be with him again. I am sorry for rambling and if I do not come back I want to thank you all for your support.....Jamie

[Bebekat]

Jamie,

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain right now. Yes, you ahould always post, whenever you need it. This is the place. We get it. Sometimes you just need to vent and no one here will judge you. Ths is a very hard thing to do and I can tell you miss your Herman so much. Please come back. Don't do anything rash. Please tell us about Herman. We don't care if you count the months. I'm almost at 18 months and still miss my Tom.

[spunkye]

Hi Jamie,

You may not feel that people understand your grief and pain, but I would say we, on this site, do. Sometimes the grief and pain are so all-consuming, it knocks everything else out of the way.

I could relate when you were writing about the hugs to greet you no longer being there, etc. Whenever anything - even the slightest little upset - occurs, I miss my husband, Dick, being there to help me.

He was always there for me..not matter what. I remember running after my cat once while we were on a camping trip and she had gotten out of the RV - and I fell and started crying (I am a baby (), and he came and just held me until I could finally get up.

I fell off a ladder once while I was painting and broke my wrist - once again, he just came into the room and held me on the floor, until I could get up.

Today my daughter's BIG dog attacked my little dog (didn't hurt him, thank God), but I just started to cry and wanted my husband - he could make everything better.

But I know he wants me to continue to love him but not to ruin my life over him. I will never stop loving him or missing him, but I do know there is a future for me...I KNOW that is what he would want, no matter how hard itmight be.

I hope you, too, Jamie, can see that Herman wants you to continue on and grow in your life and the giving of your love to others...the giving of your honesty, and warmth and tenderness...we all need you.

Please, hang in there...and if it's too much, please go see someone that can be some strength and help for you.

I haven't been to a grief group yet - and I know I need one...this coming week I'm going to look into it.

Love, Benita

Jamie,

P.S...you have every right to feel however you feel!!...as for counting, my husband has been gone now one month and 2l days and 23 hours and 3 minutes...

love, again, Benita

[kayc]

Benita,

You seem so strong and wise! I have discovered that so much of our outcome depends on our attitude. We shouldn't be surprised when we have setbacks but we have to keep going on.

[Jamie]

I have not responded to anyone and I am so very sorry to you all.....I have not been on for awhile....contemplating this existence without Herman...it is too hard. I have tried so very much, I am trying, I am still here but not sure for how long. My first birthday since I was 14 years old without Herman was on the 24th.....25 years.......how do I do this, why do people push me? I read all the posts and the agony that you all feel and I still think I am crazy and feel that your pain is so much more than mine....because , well I don't know why, guess cause I put on that mask so everyone else including our sons feel better. Guess that means I am bitter or feeling sorry for myself or something....I don't even know what I am thinking or saying anymore. I know our boys hurt but they won't talk to me about their dad and that hurts so much.

Since Oct 14th I have been reliving every moment of the beginning of the end and I don't dream...I haven't since Herman died except the night he died and I dreamed that the hospital staff lost him, in the tunnnels of the hospital. He does not come to me in a dream or a feeling or anything and that must mean that I hurt him...I did everything wrong for him.

I am sorry for posting.....you all don't need my whining and feeling sorry for myself. I truly am sorry and I hurt for all of you.

Jamie

[kayc]

Jamie,

"He does not come to me in a dream or a feeling or anything and that must mean that I hurt him...I did everything wrong for him."

That doesn't mean that at all...you loved him and he loved you...don't beat yourself up, this is the toughest road to travel and we are here for you. You aren't "whining" any more than we are, we need to express ourselves and get some of this out and it helps tremendously to know we are not alone in this...so you help all of us know we aren't crazy, there's a whole bunch of us that are feeling this way. Go easy on yourself, he'd want your to.

[Laurie]

Jamie, I am so glad to see you writing. I know it hurts, it has to be the most painful thing ever. But you need to keep talking to us. We are all in this together and somehow we will get through and it will be a little easier. I wanted to tell you, you know what you said about not dreaming of Herman. My friend told me that it takes them a little while to get settled (if you will) but that eventually you will have some kind of sign of comfort from Herman. Maybe it won't be a dream, maybe it will just be something you see as your'e driving- that will make you think of him. Maybe it will be something beautiful in nature, like a really pretty bird or a tree with extra bright fall leaves-- something Herman will think might make you happy. I can remember Sean telling me that when you see two butterflies flying together in your yard-- it means that the people who live in that house are so in love. Think about what Herman knew you love, and look for those things. Did you read the poem I posted a few days ago? If not, look at it-- It might make you feel a little better. I called the church today and arranged to meet with the priest there. I have some questions for him and I want to talk to him about the guilt I'm feeling. I'm hopeful that it will make me feel better. Just keep talking Jamie, your boys love you and alot of people care about you. Love, Laurie

[spela]

Jamie,

lately I haven't written much on the forum. I am sorry for your loss. When I read your words, I feel as if I was reading my own words from a few weeks/months ago. Feeling that you just can't continue faking that you can make it and that things would be "ok".

When I entered this world of grief, there came another shock when I realized that not only my love died but also, that most of my "friends" vanished. But I see now that almost everybody who lost someone they love have this experience. Yes, there are friends and so called "friends". But, what I want to say is, that only now I also realize that it may be that a lot of people are gone, but there are new people, and now I can tell who my real friends are.

[Jamie]

kayc, Laurie and spela thank you for your words. Larry's Girl, thank you so very much for your messages and Penny1 thank you for the birthday greeting. I am sorry that I have not responded....I have not been able to function well since I posted last. My thoughts, feelings, everything is all confused, mixed up and I feel that when I post I burden all of you. I know I shouldn't feel that way when you all understand this horrible grief but I want to give to you too and I just don't have it in me now to do that so I feel that if I write about myself it isn't fair to you.

Soon it will be November 13th, the day I lost my Herman, the love of my life, my everything and I don't understand how it can be a year soon, I don't understand much anymore. I am empty, just empty.

I have been working on a memorium for Herman to put in the newspaper and it hurts so much...I don't want a memorium, I want Herman here with me. I am going to write what I wrote to see what you all think, I hope that you do not mind.

So that you know, the first song Herman and I ever danced to was "Could I Have This Dance" by Anne Murray when I was 14 and he was 17:

HERMAN JAMES KEHLER

November 15, 1964 - November 13, 2005

In Loving Memory of My Husband,

My Best Friend, My Eight Million Dollar Man

I'll always remember the song they were playing

the first time we danced and I knew

as we swayed to the music and held to eachother

I fell in love with you

I'll always remember that magic moment

when I held you close to me

as we moved together, I knew forever

you're all I'll ever need

"They" say "time" heals all. Who "they" are I'll

never know. The ache in my heart without you remains

the same as it did the second I lost you. "Time" does

not take the ache away to still have "our" dance for the rest

of my life, to still have you as my partner every night,

to still be together because it feels so right, to still dance

with you Herman for the rest of my life.

I would give anything to see you raise your eyebrow, see you

smile, hear your voice, hold eachother, see you play with

Buddie, Kalli, Night and Sneakers, hear you call Craige "Sunshine",

hear you call Justin "Smiley", see you tease Ange and watch you

hold your granddaughter, Paige Jaimie, who you never got the

chance to hold, know or spoil.

"I Love You and That's Forever, This I Promise From the Heart"

Remembered, Missed and Always Loved, Now, Forever and Always,

Your Wife Lori

**************************************************************************

Thank you to all of you who have given me your time, your love and support even while you struggle with your own grief.

Much Love, Jamie

[LarrysGirl]

Jamie, I sent a message to you so I hope you received it. This place is for all of us to say what we need to say and you don't need to ever think twice about posting your feelings. We all do it when we are struggling and you should too. The thirteeth for you, the sixteenth for me. It does feel impossible that it has been a year. My mind cannot understand it at all. I know you miss Herman and I know nothing is the same. Believe me, I know. I don't know if I will be able to write a memorial yet but yours it beautiful and I'm proud of you to be able to do it. Please keep writing, that is one thing that I can say will help, even though it doesn't feel like it. Deborah

[Jamie]

Deborah,

Thank you so much for your kind words....we are so close in our agony. I am having a very hard time holding on. I pretend but I am falling apart. I put the memorium in the newspaper today and I an a wreck. In 3 days it will be the 13th and I just can't do this life thing without Herman...it is so hard and I don't know where to turn. I am tired of pretending, so very, very tired................

I am listening to the music that Herman picked for his funeral as I type and it hurts so much.

Can anyone tell me how to continue on?

My oldest son doesn't want to put in a memorium and my youngest, well he basically asked me to do it for him. It hurts so much. I know they truly miss their father with all of their being but why, why won't they talk to me or, or I don't know what.

All I know is I don't want to continue on this earth without Herman and I am rambling and I am so sorry for bothering you all.

Lori

[Laurie]

Lori, I wish I could tell you how we are supposed to continue on without Sean and Herman. I know how much it hurts. Just know that I'm here with you, we are going through this together. Did you ever think "What if it was me who died?" What if you were in Heaven, and you were watching Herman here, what would you want for him? I don't think Sean and Herman would want us to give up, because they love us. I think they want us to do the best we can, and be with our boys until our time comes, then we will be together again. Lori, I know it's so so hard. Try to get some rest tonight. I'll be thinking about you. Love, Laurie

[LarrysGirl]

Lori, Its so hard to know what to say to help when I know nothing will make much difference. I have fought that thought " I don't want to go on" since day one. I have pleaded with the hospice counselor and what friends I have left, to please let me go. I don't know why I'm still here. I guess we just have to wake up and try to get thru one more day, and then the next in hopes that somehow this will feel tolerable. I know the 13th is nearly here and I'm sure you are lost in your thoughts and feelings. I'm fast approaching the 16th and his birthday is the 17th. I've had to fight hard not to concentrate on this because its just too many memories and I become overwhelmed with sadness. I know it won't be an easy day for either one of us but while we are here we need to try to hold on and just keep sharing your feelings here in an effort to relieve some (just a little) of this pain. I'm here for you, I'll be thinking of you and I wish for you some peace that day. Deborah

[Jamie]

Deborah and Laurie, Thank you for your words, your understanding and no judgement.

Laurie; I know Sean and Herman would not want us to give up, and I have thought about what if the tables were turned, I would want Herman to go on too, we often talked about that. But I know that you too struggle like I do. i don't want to leave my boys or my little granddauhter but it is so hard and with all the rest added in it's even harder........

Deborah; our times and thought and everything are so very similar. tomorrow is the 13th, the day Herman died, then on the 15th is his birthday...he would have been 42. For you...the 16th Larry died and then the next day his birthday. I am and will be thinking of you too.

To all of you, I need your advice or something not sure if that's the word even.

I am thinking of wiping out this site.....I don't want to....but I have lost my privacy. My older son and his fiancee went on my personal computer and found my "personal space" and read my postings...he came to me while I was typing on this post on the 10th and words were spoken and I feel violated. I wanted to start a new post to tell you all that tomorrow is one year but now I feel I can't. He said he found the site by accident and only knew it was me when he saw that I was from Winnipeg (I would understand him thinking it was me by the name Jamie because Herman's middle name is James), we know you can't do that, he would have had to punch in and then to find out it was me from Winnipeg, you cannot do that as a guest, you have to either join or find my password.

Then he said that he did it because he wanted to know what I was thinking and feeling because the day before they were upstairs when I got home from work and they were there to talk because I don't have to do this alone (but I went to clean up the dishes because I thought they wanted to be upstairs instead of downstairs for a change and I thought I would give them privacy) how was I to know that they wanted to talk, they never said that to me, I can't read minds but maybe I should be able to, I don't know anymore. He said he didn't like that I was talking that I didn't want to go on without Herman.......don't we all have those feelings sometimes? I told him I let you know and my doctor know I have those feelings (he asked what I thought my doctor would say...I told him she knows and understands)so that I don't do something, so that I stay here with them. He asked if I never think of the good times with Herman, of course I do.....all of the time but that doesn't mean that I am not going to be in agony without him.

He said I was upset (I think that was the word)when he told me he didn't want to put a memorium in for his dad, I was, but then I realized that he has to grieve his own way. I had asked my younger son if he wanted to come with me to be with his dad on the 13th and I guess he in turn told my older boy that I wanted them with me. That was a discussion itself. He said he won't go there to celabrate on the 13th, he will go on his dad's birthday. It's not a celebration, I wanted to release balloons or light a candle or something...I don't know what, but that was an issue to and the way that I count the days, the months, the weeks was an issue, it's like I am doing everything wrong and I don't know what to do anymore.

I would not have minded if he asked if he could read the postings, like my other son has (even though he hasn't)or if anyone wants to read my journals. The point for me I think is that he has told me that his computer, rooms, etc are personal so why isn't mine? Why is the way I need to grieve not okay but I should accept his way and I have accepted it.

I know this is a rambling mess with spelling mistakes and I know they will read this; he is is the other room right now and he knows I am posting, it's the only reason I come on the computer.

Deborah, it's like you said; I found I place where I could relieve some of the pain, where you are all doing this awful journey too and now I have lost that and Laurie that is what I mean about the rest, that and as you all know the other people who don't understand, the friends, family whoever we have lost along the way because we cannot just "get over it".

If I don't come back to this site please know that I thank you all so very deeply for trying to hel me and I hope in some small way that I have helped you.

If only I could make a new post to let you all know that it will be one year tomorrow that the love of my life, my everthing - Herman will have been in Heavan for one year and I miss him so very, very, very much.

Thank you, thinking of you all always...Much Love, Jamie

[Laurie]

Jamie, You need this site and you need to have your privacy to feel free to write exactly what's in your heart. We all need you here too, we have to stick together to make it through this. You can email me at JacksonNJgirl@aol.com. Don't stop talking Jamie.. Love, Laurie

[MartyT]

Jamie, dear,

I suspect that your son is acting this way simply because he is very worried about you and he doesn’t know how to help you. The raw feelings and reactions of grief may be frightening to others in your family, especially to your sons, who’ve already lost one parent and may be terrified of losing the other one. Your one son’s reaction to the content of your postings here also tells me that he does not know what normal grief looks like, and he may be misinterpreting your reactions.

In your posts I often see you apologizing for feeling as you do, or for coming here at all. This tells me that on some level, you don’t feel as if you have a legitimate right to mourn the death of your husband, and until you let go of that feeling, Jamie, you’ll continue to stop yourself from getting the help you need and deserve.

I want to gently suggest to you that the best way you can take care of your sons’ fear is to take good care of yourself. By tending to your own grief, you will give your sons the reassurance they need, and their “hovering” and “checking up” behavior will diminish. I don’t know what sort of “in person” grief support you’ve obtained in your own community (you’ve mentioned your doctor, but I’m not sure what sort of doctor that is), but I hope you’re availing yourself of all the bereavement help that is available to you, including participating in a grief support group, meeting individually with a grief counselor, reading all you can find about what is normal in grief, and attending a workshop or taking an online course on grief.

The worst thing you can do is to deprive yourself of the ongoing support of caring others, such as the good people you’ve found on this site.

Please know that we’re all thinking of you at this sad and difficult time, and know that you are not alone as you face this important anniversary day tomorrow.

[LarrysGirl]

Jamie, I'm not a professional but I would like to offer my thoughts about your last post. As Marty said, this is YOUR grief to experience and you have to do this in your own way and time. I, at first, kept saying I'm sorry to everyone for having to listen to me over and over. When my friends didn't seem to feel it was okay to do this my way, I had to end of distancing myself just because I felt worse about myself, like I wasn't measuring up or wasn't grieving correctly. Even Larry's mother is doing this her way and we don't see eye to eye but are trying to respect each person's relationship with Larry and that is how they will grieve. I have two grown sons and I know they have been affected by this and its been hard for them to see me like this. I know one son said Mom you should be grateful for the time you had. Its just his way of looking at this, he is young, and hasn't had this experience before. He doesn't get that I am grateful but just lost without Larry.

I just wanted to say that I wouldn't let whats happened stop you from using this site. I would continue and share, no matter who is reading it. If you feel you have to discontinue I REALLY hope you will write me, you have my email, and stay in touch. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and I know Herman will be with you. Deborah