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  • 2 months later...

I am new to this site. We just lost our precious son Daniel on May 9, 2004. Daniel was 15 years old, he would of turned 16 in September. The doctors never thought he would live until he was 10 years old. Daniel was a normal healthy baby when he was born. At 7 months old he contracted bacterial menegitis and was not expected to live. Due to this Daniel had many medical problems. The doctors kept telling me all the negative things that would happen, but I would not accept that. We worked with Daniel and he acheived many things that they said he never would. He was part of our family and went and did everything we did. We have two other children, a daughter 19 years, and a son 17 years. They were also very close to Daniel and are dealing very hard this. The last seven months Daniel has been with hospice here at home. I knew that the day of his passing would come and I thought that I would be ready for it, but I was not. Daniel passed in my arms on mothers day and I feel so empty. I know that I need to be strong for my husband and my other two children but I just dont know how to do that right now. I dont know how to deal with these feelings. I just keep wishing I could go in and get Daniel from his bed and cuddle like we always did. I know that he is in a better place now with God, and that he is whole and can walk and see everything. I try and keep telling myself that, but it just hurts. I thought maybe talking to other mothers might help.

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I am lost without my sweet beautiful everything 12 year old daughter, who also died on Mother's Day. Alecia was diagnosed with cancer in October 2003 and fought with such courage and dignity and optimism and grace, continually amazed us all that she could keep smiling and making us smile through it all. She ended up needing a bone marrow transplant, which was a horrific thing for anyone, but especially a kid to endure. We brought her home to die the end of April. They gave her days, she stuck around almost 2 weeks. I miss her so much, it hurts beyond words!!! There are days, many of them, that I feel I can not possibly go on, and I don't want to. But, I am a single/divorced parent and have a 6 year old son who still needs me. I do and always will look forward to the day when I can be with her again!! God, how I look forward to that day!!!!!!!!! In the meantime I am reminded continually of the line from Sleepless in Seattle, where Tom Hanks is talking about reminding himself to breathe in and out, and remembers how he had it good and perfect...once. I never could have imagined the deep deep deep seering crippling crushing devastating pain I feel every waking moment.

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As I read the messages posted here, my heart hurts, and I can feel it breaking into pieces.

Please accept my deepest condolences, and know that I am thinking of each and every one of you.

I too am a bereaved mother, and I know too well the empty ache in your arms, the choking lump in your throat, the searing pain in your stomach, the smothering weight on your chest, the indescribable agony . . . there are no words . . .

To lose a child is an unspeakable horror, but to have it happen on Mother's Day . . . I cannot imagine what the notion of "Mother's Day" will mean to each of you, now and for all the Mother's Days to come.

Forgive me . . . tonight I have no words . . .

Please know that I am holding each of you in my prayers and in my heart.

In sorrow and with love,

Marty T

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