STARKISS Posted February 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 Hi Shell,Thank you for all the understanding and caring you have shown me... It is so very nice to know there are people like you out there... People who really understand and care Take care Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing rick Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 Hi AllMy problem with fitting in is that I just don't know where I belong yet. Rick died in June and since then I have been so lonely. Only one of my friends has lost a spouse and is therefore the only one who really understands how I feel. I asked her what she did about the "couples "thing, when all your friends are together and you are there alone? She said that she simple avoids couples - her husband died at 49, all most 9 years ago. We are both 55. I don't think that is the right answer but I don't feel comfortable together with our friends for two reasons - I feel like I'm the fifth wheel ( I know they don't want me to feel that way and have said that would never be the case) and also when we are all together I find myself missing him more than ever and looking for him amongst them - like do you want to leave yet, want another drink or just exchange glances over something that has been said that we may have had different thoughts on. After 40 years you are able to pretty well anticipate what your spouse is thinking. I miss that. I am also bad and realized how much so when a close friend called this morning and told me her husband's mother had died early this morning, and how badly her husband was feeling. This man spent time every chemo session with us, and was always there for Rick. He grew up with Rick, they shot their first moose together, they went to school and lived in the same neighbourhood. He was in our wedding party -then they drifted apart as he joined the Mounties (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) and they lived in the western part of Canada. They became close again when Greg retired and moved home to Kenora. Rick was the Welfare Administrator and Greg came to work with him as a fraud invetigator - anyway the thought came to me that I did not appreciate at all what our fiends were also going through with Rick's death - I felt so selfish, thinking of my self and my kids and what we were feeling - forgetting that others were also feeling lost without him. She made me realise this as she commented that Greg was just beginning to adjust (don't know if that was the exact word)or come to terms with Rick's death and he must deal with his mothers. Just letting the guilt out....any ideas about the "couples" things, I don't want to spend all my time alone and do enjoy their company. Jane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted March 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2007 Hi All,Thank you for all your replies, This is the first year I will be all alone for Easter... My family all have their own lives and have plans with their families but since I am all alone to begin with that just leaves me out of everything... I do not even have my dog Chelsea this year either....I am just so lonely and do not know what to do.... I find it hard to find friends and if I had any I lost them along the way.... I guess I just need to figure out how to fit in somewhere.... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 10, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 Hi All,Here I am still trying to fit in but now have at least one other house on the street that I know people well... Other than that I am still alone and do things by myself most of the time... I even made up a pretend friend to go and visit at the local mall... I told people that an old friend I went to school with works at the mall but there is no friend at the mall... I just wanted to be left to find friends on my own and no one saying that she just doesn't care to have friends.... Take care Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2007 Hi All,I really do not know what to do to fit in more around my new place since I look after the neighbors kids some times and talk to the neighbors but recently I have been left out of the dinners for the neighbors and it hurts so very much... I really feel like I need to go back to Bowmanville and back to the old neighbors where I feel at home... People here are so very rude and I just can not understand why.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted June 12, 2007 Hi All,Here I am after almost two years at my sister's house and the more I try to fit in the more mistakes and bad things happen to me... Today we had a bad scare the gas outdoor fireplace some how got turned on and gas was leaking into the air and now I figure I will be blamed for doing it or letting the kids do it... My sister and her husband will blame me for not watching the kids well enough... So here I am still trying to fit in and more bad things are still happening when will it stop???????????????????? Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell Posted June 17, 2007 Report Share Posted June 17, 2007 Shelley,I'm so sorry that your sister and her family aren't more supportive. I just don't understand how people (especially your own family) can be so insensitive! You talked about moving at one time....maybe it's time. You need to get your own life so that you can try to enjoy it! You don't need this endless "abuse". I know it's scary, but once you get moved and settled in, I think it would bring you some comfort and peace. Just want to see you have a chance at some happiness...you deserve it. Hugs,Shell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted June 18, 2007 Report Share Posted June 18, 2007 Shelly,I hear you, don't put their blame on yourself, you are at a vulnerable state, and unfortunately the people we "trust" the most do the most harm, My late wife, her friends, well they dissed me and I feel sorta better somewhat but I do miss having company, I am also shy and quiet, I know how you feel...Take care alwaysWilliam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 18, 2007 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2007 Hi Stallyn,I want to thank you for being so supportive to me, and yes being shy and quiet can be bad sometimes I guess especially when trying to me new people... I guess that is why I really have not met many people yet... I just do not know how to make myself make new friends.... I wish I could just be able to go back to Bowmanville where I knew alot of people all ready but I have tried that and now just feel like I do not belong there anymore.... Please help me I am getting desperate.... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted June 20, 2007 Report Share Posted June 20, 2007 Shelley,I am in the same situation, most of the people I knew vanished a day or two after my wifes passing, I been alone most of the time, I did hire a Grief counselor some time ago, without him it is unbearable, Would you think that would be a option for you? I think personally where you are residing is a safer place emotionally, What can I do to help? Let me know you are doing ok?your friend,William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoubleJo Posted June 23, 2007 Report Share Posted June 23, 2007 Shelley: Just a thought about Bowmanville: You can't fit in as before because time and events have changed. But if you feel more comfortable there, you can go about your life with the exciting thought that now you can make a new, more comfortable place for yourself, any way you want it to be. Change can be good. It is scary, but I personally have realized that "exciting" is a better way to look at it, for, after all, it really can be. Since you are familiar with Bowmanville, finding your new you and new acquantances is easier. Just by interacting with people regularly you meet people. Being around down people will bring you down and make you feel worse. They are depressing you and stressing you. Changing the environment also puts you in control of your life. The first steps are always the hardest, but they get you there. my best- doublejo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted July 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2007 Hi DoubleJo,I have tried to go back to Bowmanville and I just find it is so very different and I would have to leave again within an hour of arriving because I just get upset if I stay... But maybe there is a new place between the two cities... Bowmanville is not an option right now but maybe one town or city in between Bowmanville and Pickering will be okay... So maybe I will just have to venture out and find it on my own... Wish me luck and take care Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoubleJo Posted July 12, 2007 Report Share Posted July 12, 2007 I can understand a place being too upsetting to revisit. I had a bad childhood with a dysfunctional family. I have no desire to go back to where I grew up. Sometimes it takes time to find out where you feel comfortable. Take care- Doublejo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted July 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2007 Hi DoubleJo,Thank you for understanding and encouraging me... I will venture out when I am ready and who knows the perfect place maybe very close indeed... Take care Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted August 29, 2007 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2007 Hi All,My heart still belongs to Bowmanville but I am feeling much, much better about Pickering... I am going to the show more and going to the mall more and doing much more than I was first about to do... So I guess what it is all about is just giving yourself enough time to understand what is happening and how to deal with it... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoubleJo Posted August 29, 2007 Report Share Posted August 29, 2007 Shelley:We are so hard on ourselves. We expect to do so much . You can be proud of all your doing. But hey- you're smart and strong. It was just hiding there for awhile under the weight you were carrying. SUPER! Doublejo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell Posted August 30, 2007 Report Share Posted August 30, 2007 Shelley,I ditto what Doublejo said! That's such a perfect way to put it...that we are strong and smart, it was just hiding under the pressure of our grief! I have found I was a lot stronger than I thought. As my mom used to say, "You do what you have to".Hugs,Shell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted September 5, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2007 Hi All,Just wanted to added that I am seeking part time jobs in the city I live in... One is at the local pet shop and it is just to look after the dogs and cats... It will be letting them out and feeding them, I think it will be a great thing for me because it will allow me to be near them and it will keep me busy... The other part time job will be at my doctor's office filing people's charts after the doctor's use them... This will be just Saturday mornings.... The petshop if it works out will be Friday nights, Saturday afternoons and all day Sundays.... Take care Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorikelly Posted September 5, 2007 Report Share Posted September 5, 2007 I am so happy for you Shelley. You are wonderful person to take care of the animals and in turn they will be helping you. This will give you freedom and independence, keep me posted on how it goes. Lori Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted September 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2007 Hi All,The doctor's office that I was trying to get into decided to go with someone else but I still have a chance to get the job in the petshop... Keep your fingers crossed... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted November 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted November 11, 2007 Hi All,Here I sit yet another lonely night and wonder why this is happening to me??? I am trying hard to fit in here but find myself looking through the window more than joining in... Once again our neighbor who I take their kids to school everyday has invited my sister and her husband and kids for dinner... This has happened about five or six times since I moved in... I am left alone once again.... I am beginning to wonder why bother???? Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoubleJo Posted November 12, 2007 Report Share Posted November 12, 2007 Starkiss: Well, that hurts. I'll tell you why I think that's happening. I could be wrong of course, but after getting feedback years later on similiar things that happened, I'll pass it on to you. Often people in a group see someone "unattached" as a "fifth wheel". They don't see you fitting in with a group of people who have the same attachments as they do. They are oblivious to how you might feel. The family is a group like them. There may be nothing you can do as you are not a GROUP. But you can let you feelings of "surprise that you were perhaps forgotten?" be known, gently, not accusatory . It may just wake them up that this bothered you. I'll bet they never gave it thought that you felt slighted. Being by yourself they also may have thought you wouldn't have wanted to come, having other interests. Take care- DoubleJo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted November 12, 2007 Report Share Posted November 12, 2007 Starkiss,Its cruel and selfish for them to do that, I know we are "different" to others, people do not care to understand your suffering and loss, Doublejo said it ideally, a 5th wheel or just a half a person, we have feelings but understanding where you are coming from, please take one day at a time and love yourself love,William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBob Posted November 12, 2007 Report Share Posted November 12, 2007 I actually have experienced a different version of this.I have a guy friend who had been very good and thoughtful to me since Linda's death. He made me an offer about a month ago: would I like to go with he and his wife to see the musical, Camelot in January? Sure, says I.Two weeks later I get TWO tickets. What the heck am I supposed to do with 2 tickets? My son has zero interest in going. I don't have a handy sibling or cousin at my disposal, and I feel a little odd about inviting a single male colleague of mine ... I mean some would see it as just a tad gay and I suspect he'd feel uncomfortable. For that matter, rightly or not, so would I.Now I feel like I'm supposed to go with someone to compensate for the "fifth wheel" effect. For all I know this is even an attempt to get me dating way before I would ever want to, even assuming I'd ever want to.Aye-yi-yi! Society really is rigged to make single people get hooked up out of sheer awkwardness. I'm on a business trip right now, and I suddenly understand why single men sometimes arrange for a woman purely for decorative purposes should they have to partake in socializing with married clients. It allows the client to not feel the "fifth wheel" effect, and it allows the single party not to feel like some kind of pariah.I wonder if this "effect" is inherent or some kind of artifice invented by our society ... I'll have to research it sometime. I have not been a single adult long enough at any time in my life to have to think about it much. It feels like some kind of strange social pecking order amongst monkeys ... doesn't seem worthy of human beings. Linda and I went out on occasion with single friends and it was no big deal to us. I mean we did not snuggle and spoon in front of them or talk kids or something ... just treated them like we'd want to be treated in their situation.Maybe this "fifth wheel" concern is caused by the fact that many married people have no life outside of their spouse and kids and have nothing to discuss apart from that?Anyway ... I'm thinking I have to just approach my friend and explain the awkward situation he's created and ask him how HE'D like to solve it. Why should I have to do all the heavy lifting here? It's not like it's my fault.Thoughts anyone?--Bob Often people in a group see someone "unattached" as a "fifth wheel". They don't see you fitting in with a group of people who have the same attachments as they do. They are oblivious to how you might feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted November 12, 2007 Report Share Posted November 12, 2007 Bob, Every time I go to the grocery store or out to eat its how many? how much food? everything is made for plural, It sure did not change before I got married at 32. just worse, the pressure upon us like you said is heavy, we are expected to have someone with us of the opposite sex or you are labeled as "unsocial" loner, or just plain weird! along being a widow-widower that is another label we have to turpentine off our backs and forehead. I think American society is just messed up in so many ways, no wonder we have so many enemies LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now