How Do I Do This

[ROBYNN]

I AM NEW TO THIS , THIS FORMAT AND MY MOTHER DYING. SHE HAS BREAST CANCER AND NOW ONLY A FEW MONTHS LEFT. I AM FALLING APART WATCHING HER DIE ....SLOWLY..... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT, I FALL APART AT WORK, IN THE CAR , ALL THE TIME NOW, I DON'T WANT TO EAT OR SMILE OR DO ANYTHING, I JUST WANT TO CRY AND SLEEP. IF I AM LIKE THIS NOW HOW CAN I POSSIBLY HANDLE IT WHEN " IT " COMES, I AM SO SCARED . HOW DO I FUNCTION DAY TO DAY, I CAN'T KEEP CRYING AND I CAN'T HIDE IT AS EASY AS I USED TO. I HATE THIS SO MUCH , I HATE CRYING I HATE THE LOSS OF CONTROL...... I AM SAD AND ANGRY. IF ANYONE HAS SOME IDEAS ON HOW I CAN GET THROUGH ONE DAY AT A TIME I WOULD APPRECIATE THIS, I HAVE TO KEEP GOING AND I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW.......JUST DRIFTING....... ROBYNN

[SAO]

Robynn - My heart goes out to you. I have no answers but I too am going through it. My Mom died this February. Cancer. I sat with her while she died at home with Hospis. My heart is broken along with my spirit too. If you can talk to the Hospis people near you they can help you. Really. They are amazing people. I still have crying fits, anger fits and dizzy spells when I talk about my mom... but as my mom always said "this too shall pass" so I hang on every day. Call Hospic... call the "Y" near you for grief counsling. Read the posts here. I hope it helps me and I hope it helps you too.

[MartyT]

Dear Robynn,

We all are so very sorry to learn of your mother’s terminal illness, and can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to feel so helpless in the face of this vicious, unrelenting disease. It is extremely difficult to witness your loved one’s health and quality of life deteriorating this way, and as time passes you will find yourself experiencing all the emotions of grief in anticipation of losing your mother. This is known as anticipatory grief, and the physical and emotional reactions involved are the same as those experienced in normal grief.

You say that you don’t know how to do this, and you worry how you will continue to function as you face whatever lies ahead. I think you will cope by just going ahead and doing what you are doing already, even though you are scared and you think you cannot do it, Robynn. Somehow we think real courage is about soldiers being the first ones to charge up the hill, or about firefighters running into a burning building. Yet real courage is simply facing that which we're most afraid of, and doing it anyway despite our fear. Somehow you will find the strength to do what you need to do in the weeks and months before you, and you will be glad you did. Think of how you would feel if you were unable to be with your mother, and missed this opportunity to be there with her at this most difficult time in both your lives.

You don’t say whether your mother is aware of her condition, or if you’ve talked about it openly with each other, and I’m wondering if that may be part of what’s giving you such pain right now. I can assure you that your mother probably knows a whole lot more about her illness than anyone else does, even if she does not acknowledge it to those around her. Keep in mind that this is her life, and her dying, and she will do it the way that she needs to do it. Also remember that we human beings are pretty well defended – we hear what we want to hear and keep out the rest. That is how each of us just gets through the day. Your mother will face her dying as she is ready to do so, and for all you know, she may have begun doing that already. As your mother, she may be feeling a need to protect you by not expressing freely and openly what she feels and knows. I encourage you not to assume what she is thinking and feeling. The only way to know for sure is to ask!

When you're with her, you might ask her what she makes of her illness or what she thinks is going to happen to her – then take your cue from her. If she's ready and willing to talk about it and she knows that you are ready and willing to listen, she will let you know what's on her mind, and she’ll want to know what’s on your mind as well. The greatest gift you can give to your mother right now is just to be there with her – to be open to whatever she needs to say to you, and to be open with whatever you may need to say to her.

I’d like to recommend to you two wonderful books that I think you might find helpful at this sad and difficult time. The first has just been published (and I happen to be reading it now): The Four Things that Matter Most, by Ira Byock, M.D. He is an international leader in hospice and palliative care, and in this book he discusses how four simple phrases can guide us effectively through whatever interpersonal difficulties may stand between us and another person (and most especially when that other person is dying) to help us finish whatever unfinished business may be getting in the way. The four simple phrases are “Please forgive me,” “I forgive you,” “Thank you,” and “I love you.”

The second book is Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs and Communications of the Dying, by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. The “final gifts” of the title are the comfort and enlightenment offered by the dying to those attending them, and in return, the peace and reassurance offered to the dying by those who hear their needs.

Most of us find it very difficult to think about planning ahead for the death of our loved one. We act as if merely thinking or talking about a person’s dying will somehow make it happen – or we act as if not thinking or talking about our loved one’s illness will somehow make it go away. Yet the reality is that none of us has the power to cause the death of another being merely by thinking or talking about it – and illnesses aren't prevented or cured simply by choosing not to think about them. Facing the loss of a loved one is just as difficult whether it happens suddenly or over an extended period of time. But having time to prepare for what lies ahead can be one of the more positive aspects of anticipatory grieving. You can make the most of the time you have now by talking openly with your mother about what is happening to her, and by making your remaining time together as special as possible, as you make those treasured memories that will offer you comfort later.

Make sure, too, Robynn, that you are taking care of yourself while caring for your mother (by getting enough nourishment, relaxation, rest and exercise). And know that as you face the difficult days ahead, you are not alone. I know that every person reading this is thinking of you and holding you in our collective heart.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[ROBYNN]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REPLYING, I WAS AFRAID NO ONE WOULD AND IT WOULD COMPOUND MY FEELINGS OF BEING ALONE IN THIS. I AM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS AND HOPE THAT YOU FIND THE PEACE YOU ARE SEARCHING FOR. I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT CONTACTING SOMEONE THROUGH MY GRIEF COUNSELING AT WORK, BUT HESITATE BECAUSE I DONT LIKE CRYING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, IT FEELS SAFER FOR ME HERE RIGHT NOW, MAYBE IF I CAN'T GET A GRIP ON THIS I WILL RE THINK THAT IDEA. I NEVER KNEW SOMEONE COULD CRY SO MUCH, CRYING FITS AS YOU PUT IT IS SO ACURATE, I AM GLAD TO HEAR THAT I AM NORMAL IN THAT REGARD. SOMEHOW I HAVE TOLD MYSELF THAT SHOULD BE MORE GROWN UP ABOUT THIS, ITS NOT LIKE I AM A LITTLE KID, I KNEW SOMEDAY MY MOM WOULD DIE, I JUST WASN'T EXPECTING IT SO SOON, I FEEL CHEATED OUT OF ABOUT TWENTY YEARS........ I WAS SUPPOSED TO GROW OLD WITH HER, WE WERE GOING TO BE OLD TOGETHER, NOW I WILL BE OLD ALONE, WITHOUT HER. SHE ISN'T EVEN GONE YET AND I SEE HER EVERWHERE I TURN, I SMELL HER PERFUME AND HEAR HER LAUGH, I MISS HER AND SHE IS HERE........ I WILL CONTINUE ON ...... BUT IT IS SO HARD. THANKS AGAIN FOR TALKING TO ME, IT HELPS. ROBYNN

[ROBYNN]

MARTY, THANK YOU FOR YOUR COUNSEL. MY MOM DOES KNOW THE EXTENT OF HER ILLNESS. IN FACT WE ( MY BROTHER AND SISTERS) JUST GOT BACK FROM VISITING WITH HER, SHE WANTED TO HAVE A MEETING ABOUT HER LAST PLANS BEFORE SHE DIES AND TO MAKE ARRANGMENTS FOR HER FUNERAL AND TO TELL US ALL THAT SHE LOVES, I GUESS THAT IS WHY I FEEL SO OUT OF CONTROL THIS WEEK, I KNOW SHE SENSES THE END, I CAN TELL AND IT IS KILLING ME. I DON'T WANT HER TO SEE MY PAIN. THE HARDEST PART FOR ME IS THAT I WANT HER TO COME AND STAY WITH ME IN THE END SO I CAN HOLD HER HAND AND SAY GOODBYE AS SHE SLIPS AWAY, I HAVE THIS NEED TO BE THERE UNTIL THE VERY END, I HAVE TOLD HER THIS BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE HER HOUSE AND I LIVE THREE AND A HALF HOURS AWAY ,I AM AFRAID SHE WILL PASS BEFORE I CAN SAY GOODBYE AND LOOK IN TO HER EYES, I JUST HAVE THIS NEED. I HAVE NEVER HANDLED DEATH WELL, AT THIRTEEN I FOUND MY TWO YEAR OLD SISTER DROWNED AND HELD HER IN MY ARMS UNABLE TO SAY GOODBYE..... THIS EXPERIENCE HAD SUCH A DEEP INPACT ON ME, I HATE DEATH AND HOW IT CAN COME SO QUICKLY AND DESTROY ALL THAT IS IN ITS PATH. I WILL HONOR MY MOMS WISHES BECAUSE I WANT HER TO BE AT PEACE AND HAPPY , IT IS HER LIFE, I KNOW, BUT I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME , I KNOW THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME ,IT IS ABOUT HER AND HER NEEDS IT JUST FEELS LIKE IT IS ABOUT ME TOO AND I HAVE A HARD TIME SEPERATING THOSE TWO IDEAS, I DON'T HAVE A DAD AND SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER UDERSTOOD ME AND I KNEW I COULD ALWAYS TALK TO HER AND SHE WOULD UNDERSTAND AND LOVE ME, I GREW A LOT FROM HER AND HER WISDOM, NOW I HAVE TO FLY SOLO AND I AM TERRIFIED ....... I WILL KEEP GOING ON AND JUST GET THROUGH ONE DAY AT A TIME. THANKS SO MUCH FOR TALKING TO ME .... ROBYNN

[Rebz]

Hi Robynn, I am so sorry for what you are going through. ((hugs))

I am watching my Mom slip away to death right now as well and it's so sad. She has lung cancer. By the time she found it, it was already metastized to her brain and bone. So, she is now on hospice and sleeping almost around the clock. She stopped eating a few days ago. She is preparing for death. And my heart is breaking.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. If you'd like to email me, please feel free. rebz23@msn.com My Mom has always been my hero as well and I'm terrified of life without her.

[wigganz]

Hi Robynn

I found this site too, to try and understand how I am feeling. We lost out Dad on the 28th August this year, he was terminally ill with cancer, between diagnosis and his passing, we had 5 months.

It is awful to watch your parent die, to know that there isn't anything you can do to prevent it, to know that the doctor can't provide a pill or cure and say, take it for 7 days and you'll be fine. It is awful to watch a perfectly healthy man deteriate to skin and bones - it is awful to be helpless.

Four days before he died, he called us together and talked to each one - we are 6, and to each of our spouses. He told us he loved us, blessed us and told us to to be kind to one another and to look after our mother.

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as Christ forgave you.' Eph 4:32

We were with Dad when he died, and helped our mother make the arrangements for his funeral.

Since Dads passing, we have been told that we were lucky, that we had time and opportunity to say goodbyes and to say all the things that we wanted to say - that it wasn't sudden, and that we weren't left with regrets.

A business associate shared with me that the night before his Dad died, he was going to pay a visit, but thought it was too late and he'd see him tomorrow. There was no tomorrow for him, his Dad died of a heart attack that night.

I live 2 hours away - spend as much time with your Mum - talk, laugh and cry. Tell your Mum you will miss her, don't have regrets. I hope that you have support from friends and family that enable you to do this.

All my prayers and support to you at this most difficult time.

Johnnita