Really Down Today

[MartyT]

Dear Shelley,

I can’t imagine how awful this must have been for all of you! Even though you and the children were not emotionally attached to this raccoon, it’s still traumatic to see a beautiful and innocent animal accidentally and suddenly injured in such a frightening and unexpected way – and of course, you’re all left to wonder if the raccoon later died. And even though the children went on to school, it’s likely that once they return home this afternoon, the memory of this incident and any lingering questions they have about it will come up again.

I want to suggest to you that, awful as it was, this incident can be turned into a positive, if you choose to think of it as a “teachable moment” in these children’s lives. You have here a valuable opportunity to teach these children a powerful lesson about life and death and loss.

Like all the rest of us, children need to learn that death and loss are natural parts of living. We know that nothing in life lasts forever. Every living thing goes through a natural process with a beginning and an ending, with living in between. Accidents do happen, veterinarians and animal control people can’t perform miracles, and some problems can’t be fixed. How this incident is handled – how your niece’s and nephews’ feelings and questions are handled and what these children observe in the actions of the adults around them – can prepare them to face and deal effectively with life’s many losses and disappointments in the future.

Parents (and caring, concerned aunts like you!) who explain such things to their children are modeling how to talk openly about painful feelings and events in life that hurt and are hard. Explanations can be offered that are age-appropriate and at the child’s level of understanding. Children under five, for example, need comfort and support rather than detailed explanations. Otherwise, children need information that is simple, accurate, plain, and direct. Here are some suggestions that may help you deal with this:

Death can be explained to children the same way we explain other important milestones: Offer the facts in a simple, honest, straightforward, non-threatening, caring way.

Be honest, and keep it simple. Children know when adults are shading the truth.

First find out what the children already know or think they know about death.

Validate their feelings and encourage them to share their thoughts, fears and observations about what happened earlier today.

Explain that in the circle of life all living things will die someday, and that death causes changes in a living thing.

Although you may not know for sure whether the raccoon survived the accident, you can still explain what dead means: “We don’t know if the raccoon later died, but if so, it means his heart stopped beating and he doesn’t breathe in and out anymore. He doesn’t need to eat or go to the bathroom. He cannot see, hear or move, and he cannot feel pain. Being dead is not the same as sleeping. All your body parts work when you are sleeping. When an animal dies, his body has stopped working. The part of the raccoon that was alive is gone. All that’s left is his body – like an egg shell without the egg.” (If the children ask what happens to the raccoon’s body, you might explain that in cases such as this, the animal’s body is usually discarded and placed in a landfill, then later covered with soil as part of the landfill’s routine operations.)

Explain how we might feel when someone we love dies: sad, mad, or confused – and we may cry sometimes. Although grief hurts, it’s a fact of life, it’s a part of being human, and it happens whenever we lose someone we love. Grief also helps us to become more sensitive to others who are hurting, because we know how it feels to lose a loved one. And it teaches us to cherish those we love, to let them know how much we love them.

[STARKISS]

Hi Marty T,

Thank you for the reply to this mornings different start for me... I did what you said and I used this experience as a positive learning one.... Thank you for the information on this recent post... Take care and I will keep you updated on my progress.... Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi Marty T,

I just found out the raccoon was put to sleep by the people at animal control due to his injuries he suffered... I have not told the children yet my sister and her husband want to do that so I am letting them because of them being their parents... Take care Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I just found out today that my sister's family is going away for Easter and I will be all alone... This is the first real holiday that no one has been with me since my parents have died..I think that it will be okay since being around people lately is not always good for me... but just the fact I have no choice in the matter to be left alone is the problem... You see I have a fear now that everyone will leave me and I will always be alone.... Since my parents died I feel that this fear is much more than just a thought... If anyone can help with ideas so that I do not feel so alone please do... I know everyone else has problems of their own right now but I would be willing to try to help others if someone could try to help me too... Take care Shelley

[Paul S]

Hi Shelley,

I wish I had suggestions right away, but nothing comes to mind. For me, as a religious person, the answer is easy. It's Easter so I'd focus on the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, and the hope that brings of eventual permanent reunion with our deceased loved ones. Even though the possibility of reunion may be decades away, it still helps me get through it all. It gives me hope, especially that death is not a permanent barrier.

For the here and now, maybe check the newspapers or local online directories maybe for something going on around Easter that you can attend or participate in.

Paul

[STARKISS]

Thank you Paul,

Thanks for your reply, I will check out our local papers, Maybe this is the time I should go back to my church... I have not been since my parents have died.... My church did nothing when my dad died and I feel a little angry that he died and they did not seem to care.... Take care Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

Is it so weird when you have to face something that your mother was always there for support for you and now you need to face it alone it is very difficult... Well in the past I always had my mom there with me when I would go to the doctor and now that I have had this recent scare I want and really need her I can not have her... If it does turn out to be something wrong than I just do not know if I can handle it alone.... And no I have no one I can ask to come with me.... I am so very scared right now because when I went with my dad the last time he went to the doctor's it was right after that the same day he was admitted to the hospital for more tests and than they found out it was cancer.... If this happens to me I do not know how I am going to get through it.... My sister is trying to be supportive but I know she is also scared for me.... Just think if I do have breast cancer and my mom had breast cancer than she has a good chance she will also have it too... Atleast I do not have children to worry about but she does and I can not imagine them growing up without her.... But I know I am off topic but I just have to get this out.....Thanks and Take care Shelley

[MartyT]

Shelley, dear ~

I know that you are scared, and I know that you feel very alone right now, as you await the results of your mammogram ~ and I know that your mom's medical history gives you every reason to worry that you, too, may have a malignancy in one of your breasts.

I don't want to give you false hope, but I know from my own experience that, at least where I go to have my mammograms done, there is a radiologist on staff who checks each film before the woman is allowed to leave the building, and if the doctor sees anything that looks suspicious, they make a point to tell you right away. Even if your screening center required that your films be sent out to be read by a radiologist somewhere else, if anything suspicious were present, I don't think anyone would wait several days to alert you ~ they would want you to know as soon as possible, and they would contact you by telephone, so you all could begin to deal with it right away.

Again, I don't want to give you false hope, but I do want to offer you our presence, along with some reassurance. As the old saying goes, Shelley, you still don't know for sure what you are dealing with, so try not to cross this bridge until you come to it. It's all well and good to prepare yourself for the worst, but it's important, too, to hope for the best. And no matter how your tests turn out, please know that we are with you in spirit, and we won't leave you alone to deal with this all by yourself.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I have not heard about the mammogram yet but the doctor told me this morning when I saw her that it was just to make sure everything was okay... The left breast had some abnormal cells and that is why she sent my for a mammogram but the doctor does not think that it is anything to worry about......All other tests I have gone through the last two weeks came back okay.... SO Thank you to everyone who prayed for me and what an amazing thing prayers are.... Shelley

[shell]

Shelley,

What good news! I know you're relieved. I also know how hard it is to have to do things alone when you were used to having your mother there for support. I'm going through stuff like that now. It's soooo hard. I'm so glad you are getting through all this ok.

Big hugs,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Thank you All,

Thank you All for the well wishes and the prayers during a very difficult time in my life... When I got to the doctor's office I was still very nervous but something happen as I was called in to the office I felt at peace and I just knew everything was going to be all right... Take care Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

As June 6th came and went I found myself deep in a dark hole again... I have not felt that hole for a while and thought maybe I was through with it but once again it showed up just when I thought it was gone... My Dad's birthday was June 6th and boy do I miss him all over again... I know that this is all just part of the grief journey but I just want to tell him one more time I love him.... Take care Shelley

[lorikelly]

Shelley

I understand how you feel. i am really real sad lately. my mom will be gone 1yr on July 3rd. today i was tanninng and as i was laying in the bed i started to cry. i told myself when i get up it will all be a nightmare and she will be here. well you know it doesn't work that way, i felt breathless just so sad. i hope you are having a better day. my thoughts and prayers are with you. lori

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I totally had a emotional meltdown last night, It has been over two years since mom died and almost two years for my dad but I just felt so alone and sad that I burst out crying in bed last night and I felt again like I did the first time I found out... My family is not helping at all with everything I feel that they are dead too... I never see any of them except my sister who I live with and maybe my brother every two or three months but not any of my other brothers or their families for along time.... Take care Shelley

[lorikelly]

Shelley

I can relate to the family issues. my family does not speak to me. i miss my niece who is 14 terribly. i pray for a change. lori

[LoriS.]

I've been really down lately as well. I can't really put my finger on it, but I know I'm sad that my mom won't be at my daughters wedding in October. I try to put on a good show for my daughter, but deep inside I am so sad about my mom not being there. I've been a little withdrawn and reluctant to do things lately. I feel like my depression is coming back and that I am feeling like a new griever. It's been 8 months. I have so much to look forward to within the next few months before the wedding, but it seems too hard right now. My mom loved me so much. She laughed at all my jokes and made me feel so loved. I don't have that anymore. I know my husband and kids love me, but it's not the same as the unconditional love that I had from my mom. She was an amazing person.

Any advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

Take care...Lori

[shell]

LoriS,

Unfortunately, there is just never any love that matches the love from a mother. Since my moms death, I feel like I will never be as close to anyone again as I was to her, and I won't....you only have one mom and nothing can replace her. I really feel that your mom will "be" at your daughters wedding, so just know she is watching and there in spirit. You know, sometimes even happy events can bring tremendous stress and I think that adds to our feelings of grief. So try to realize the extra stress you're under and take a little extra time for yourself.

Big hug,

Shell

[LoriS.]

Thanks, Shell. Again I am so sorry about your Mom. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Take care...Lori

[lorikelly]

LoriS

i understand how you feel. i just still take one day at a time. i know that somedays will be better then others. some reallys stink. maybe you could do something special at your daughters wedding for your mom . put her picture up or something just to know she is with you. lori

[LoriS.]

Thanks, Lorikelly. I spoke to my daughter about a picture of somekind of my mom and dad at her wedding a few months ago shortly after my mom died. At first she thought it was a great idea. Now as time has gone on, she told me that she doesn't want it because she doesn't want any memorial or sadness associated with it at her wedding. At first I was upset, but now I completely understand where she is coming from. She was extermely close with my parents, especially my mom and she feels my mom wouldn't want any of us to be sad at her wedding. My daughter also used some of the small diamonds from my moms wedding ring to put into her wedding band. Also, I am letting her wear a beautiful diamond pendant that my mom left to me and I am wearing a special wrist corsage in honor of my mom. So I guess, my mom will be there and we will have subtle reminders of her througout the night. I think that I will bring a picture of my parents and keep it in my purse or my getting ready clothing bag that I will be bringing with me to the wedding site. That way if I want to look at it at any given time, or anyone else wants to look at it, they can. I know my mom wouldn't want any of us to be sad at this wedding. So I am really going to try!

Take care...Lori

[Trudy1964]

Lori,

My step-daughter is getting married in Nov. My Mom was always so proud of the relationship I have with my 2 step-children. When she found out Erin had met a guy, she said "I want to be at that wedding." It tore my heart out because I knew she wouldn't be here. She was gone 2 weeks later. I have jewelry from her. I have a picture that I keep in my purse. But my Mom won't be there.

I'm so happy for my step-daughter. She is marrying the greatest guy in the world. I'll never forget I met him 1 week before we found out she had cancer.

My brother got married in Dec. only 6 months after she was gone. But my brothers and sister and I were all together. I think we were all in the same place in our grief. This wedding will be different. I feel like I'm the only one who will be sad there. Noone else there will be thinking about her.

Thanks for listening. Lori, I'll say an extra prayer for you.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[LoriS.]

Thanks, Trudy. I think everyone will be thinking and remembering your mom on some level. You seem sensitive and I am, too. Maybe we think too much, but it just shows that we loved our moms with all our hearts. No one will know or be able to relate to exactly how we feel unless they have experienced what we had with our moms.

Take care and thanks for listening and your prayers!

Lori

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I just want to say that I am thankful for this website and the family I found here... Thank you all for your kindness and support you have given me over the past two years... I know that two years is just a number and that I am doing the best I can for where I am in my grief journey... Right now It has been rough because in the past six years we have lost my dad, my mom, my dad's sister Shirley, her husband Don, and Now my dad's brother Ted has just passed away this past April... So just when I think I am doing better another one of his side dies and I start right back up again.... But I know I will get through this with some love and understanding... I just wanted people to know that I care about what they have done for me now and in the past Shelley

[LoriS.]

Thanks to you too, Shelly!

Take care...Lori

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I was this morning at my neice and nephew's school to watch them at playday time which was all morning... I can honestly say that I never thought of my mom or dad the whole morning and in the past two years I have thought of them everyday except today.... Here's to more mornings and days like today filled with laughter and happiness... Take care Shelley