I Wish I Didn't Know

[can't tell]

Thanks, Maylissa

Like I said, my house was not only full of kids, but pets too, because Mama could not let an animal suffer. By the time I was 12 years old, I could bottle feed or eye-drop feed a newborn puppy or kitten. Mama took them all. So, yes, I understand that the furbabies were just as important to you as we all were to our mama. In fact, I found a 2 day old kitten, eyes not open yet, and called Mama to find out what to do. She reminded me of all the kittens I had fed before, told me where to find the formula, and calmed me down three times a day (or night) when I called her.

The kitten is now 3 months old, thanks to my mother. In fact, she used to joke that other people had pictures of thier grandchildren, and she had pictures of her grandkitten!

That cat now represents one of my most precious memories. My mother trusted me to care for her, and only gave me the advice that I asked for. I know now what she would have been like with my children. That fills me with the depression again. What will I do if I can't breastfeed, or the baby wakes up at night, or cries too much? I can never call her again.

Randa

[janieb0828]

Laurie don't hate yourself. You have done nothing wrong. Everyone wishes they were there in the last moments, sometimes it's better not to be. When Mikes grandma passed away, she was taking her last breath, she waited for her daughter to leave the room and just stopped breathing. I think she knew that she couldn't handle seeing her take her last breath.

[Jasper]

Sean's Mom called me tonight to tell me she had picked up Sean's hospital records. She was reading it to me over the phone and said he was found on the floor. Oh my God, I am so upset. I had it in my mind that he had died in his sleep. My God this is killing me, to know that he was probably scared and in pain. I don't know whether he had gotten up to go to the bathroom, or was trying to get help or what. The doctor said it might have been a blood clot, a heart attack or his pancreas. The nurse just found him there on the floor, dead and all alone. I hate myself.

Hi Laurie ~ I can't say I know what you are going through but the same thing happened to my brother. He had a heart attack and had been in intensive care. I had been to see him and a few days later he was out of intensive care and I expected him to be home in no time. I came back home and the next morning my sister called to say Len was dead and was found on the bathroom floor. There are so many unanswere questions. Did they take him out of ICU too soon. It has been about 7 years now and I still miss him.

He probably died instantly Laurie and I truly believe we have someone come to take us home so he wouldn't be alone. Just do the best you can and don't beat yourself up over these things. Just be good to yourself as I know our loved ones wouldn't want us to go on hurting. Take care and God Bless.

[Laurie]

Thank you so much Janie and Jasper, I try not to beat myself up about it too much, but it's so hard. I wish I had some of a warning feeling that day, I would never have left him. But I guess I just thought it was like all the other times... fix him up and send him home, if only I had known. Thanks Love, Laurie

[janieb0828]

If only I had known. Thanks Love, Laurie

That is the bad thing we all have to deal with, we don't know, it is usually unexpected. I think the Lord thinks it is better for us not to know when the one we love is about to meet him. I am not a religious person, right now I am mad at god for taking away Mike. But I think it is better that I didn't have a feeling before, because I think I would have reacted towards him differently on his last day. But for us the last memory before the wreck was a great one. We were out with friends making our plans to open a bar. If I would have known, I most likely would not had a good time that night. God you know what talking to you about this made me just realize, I need to stop thinking about the wreck that night and think about the great night we were having.

Thanks Laurie you just opened my eyes.

[kayc]

JanieB0828

"If I would have known, I most likely would not had a good time that night."

What a wise observation! It is neat that you can focus on the "something good".

[janieb0828]

That is all I have left I can do, I need to focus on something good. Otherwise I am just tearing myself apart.

[gabrielle_land]

Laurie,

I think janieb0828 is right.. maybe it's just unexpected so we dont grief before time.. the pain is so hard to deal with that it's better to know what it is till the last moment. Though I pray I have to say that I'm still upset with God for taking Christophe too.. I still can't conceive He took him away from me.

The "if" thing is really a torture to all of us, nobody is perfect, but in our imperfection we gave the best we could to our loved ones, we gave them the very escence of what we learned true love is, and that because of them. I'm sure whatever we did that we wish we should have done it differently they have forgiven us, isn't that what love is all about, and Im sure you and Sean loved each other deeply, as I'm sure the rest of us did.

Hugs to all of you,

Gaby

[missing rick]

Laurie

I remenber waking up around the time my mom passed looked at the clock and said i will sleep a little more and then get up to go see mom. i didn't feel weird or scared or anything. well 10 mins later they called to say she had passed. i was in such denial that the first thing i said was is my mom ok? crazy huh. i think talking to a priest can help. i am catholic and belong to st. veronicas i actually do a bereavement group thur nights at st. al's in jackson. i believing in a afterlife is FAITH, you have to have it to believe. Faith is about not seeing it. i doubt my faith sometimes but i never doubt God. i have been reading some very good books about near death experiences and i have to believe. my mom actually had one. it is amazing how so many people have them and they say similiar things. i have to believe to go on or i would lay down and die. i to am thinking about see my priest,i need to get over my guilt some how and maybe confession for me will help. i hope this helps. lori

Laurie, I am new to this and have been reading different posts and thought I would reply to this even tho it is old. My husband, Rick, died at home the way he wanted on June 18/06 of lung cancer at 57. The day before he died he asked me to lie down with him for a while as my arm around him gave him comfort. He had a lot of pain as his cancer had spread to his bones. When I lay down he quietly said that there was someone else in the room with us. At first I thought he was hallucinating but he said no he just felt their presence. I asked who he thought it was, God, my mom who had just died Aug/05 or his grandmother who we called Nana. He said he didn't know, he just felt someone there. I think it was someone to take him to heaven - you see he died early the next morning. When my mom was dying I asked her to please send me a sign that she was ok. She had great faith and truly believed that she was going to a better place. She loved loons and as she took what was her last breath a loon called. We went to our cabin a few days later and there was a loon swimming far from shore. I was crying and asking for my sign - telling her she seemed so far away. I got up and moved to a different spot on the lake - all of a sudden this loon popped up right in front of me and turned to face me. Her words came into my head "here I am" and I laughed out loud. I know it was her for if it had been me thinking I would have said" there she is". I also asked Rick for a sign - he knew about the one from mom and at the cemetary during his service an eagle circled overhead. We had a small service with only invited friends ( he was humble and never wanted a big fuss) any way when our guests were sitting in our back yard the same eagle circled our yard just until I had seen him and then left. I know it was the same one because it was a young one and it's head and tail feathers had not yet turned white. My kids who are grown laugh at me and say I have made grandma a loon and dad an eagle. We used to spend a lot of time watching the eagles in a tree just off of our dock. I truly believe that those were signs that all is well with both mom and Rick and that I will see them again. I wasn't really religious before my mom's illness but I have changed. I talk to God each night just like a friend and ask for his guidance and strength to make it through this and to show me a reason for me to still be here. Rick and I were married for 35 yrs and together for 5 before that. I am only 55 so that means I have only lived 15 years without him. I hope that sharing this will make you think about the afterlife. I believe it with my whole being. I don't think I could go through this if I felt that I will never see them again. I believe they will be in a different form as they have left their bodies here on earth but they will be waiting for us and we WILL recognise them. I'll be thinking of you. I hope you do recieve this - I'm not so sure on the posting Jane

[AnnieO]

Laurie,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom Dec.7th. We knew she was dying, we were all with her, I didn't leave her side...until..her sister came.I wanted my aunt to have some private time with my mom. I told my mom I was stepping out to get some water. She died while I was gone. I believe she knew it was time to leave, but didn't want me in the room with her. The same thing happened to my aunt, she waited until her family stepped out. Maybe this is what Sean was doing too. I have read so many things about people getting out of bed when it's time to leave. Please don't be hard on yourself. He was not alone and you are not alone now. I was at my mom's house the other night for the first time at night..I felt afraid and nervous..then I took a deep breath and started talking to my mom. It was calming and I managed to get things done, just knowing she was with me. My thoughts are with you.

[kayc]

I think you absoutely shouldn't be hard on yourself. None of us know when they're going to die and we all give our best. They would know and understand this...if roles were reversed, it would have been the same. I know it's easier said than done. I am still haunted by the fact that George had his heart attacks the one weekend a year I'm gone with my sisters, and although I did make it to the hospital before he died, we didn't get alone time together to talk, and the nurse made me leave when he was having his fatal heart attack...it haunts me that I couldn't be there to see him through to the other side, we were always there for each other, I wanted to reassure him and relieve any worries he might have about me. I wanted to tell him I'd be with him again. But as much as it haunts me, I can't beat myself up any more over something I didn't have any foreknowledge or control over. I, too, had a hard time with God for His decision in taking him home before I was ready, but I've since come to acceptance of what is, that even though I may not understand or agree, God knows what He is doing, His mind is bigger than my mind. I see in part, but He sees the whole.

Edited February 6, 2007 by kayc