I Am Hurting So Bad I Feel Like My Heart Is Bursting!

[kayc]

I feel like if I don't get this out, I will burst! I have been crying ever since I got home from work. I feel so low, if I could get an antidepressant right now, I would...but I can't get in to see my doctor, I'm on a new job and it's a long drive from home and my doctor. Somehow I have to get through this. I don't feel like Christmas. My son bought a Christmas Tree permit and left it on the table...I know he's going to want to get one next week when he comes back, but I really don't feel like it...I will try for the kids' sakes but my heart is totally not in Christmas. I wish it would just go away. Tomorrow my little sister is coming to town and wants to do the Sugarplum Festival and the Bridge Lighting ceremony...there will be Christmas music playing and hoopla and I'm just not up to it. I don't FEEL festivious! At work they're talking about the Christmas Party and I don't WANT Christmas! I'm not up to church, not up to celebrations, and I'm sick of being alone and crying. Why couldn't George take care of himself, why did he have to do this? I was an excellent wife, the best, I didn't deserve this! I love him so much it hurts and nothing I do makes anything any better! I have tried so hard for 1 1/2 years and all I am left with is pain and lonliness. And no one seems to understand or care, they act like it's been enough time now...actually they acted like that over a year ago...try two weeks! Well it HASN'T been enough time, I'm not sure there IS enough time, and I'm not sure it will EVER be any better! How do we get over them? Okay, bad choice of words, I know that's not happening, how do we SURVIVE this? I didn't expect to feel this way, I've always been such a strong person, I didn't know I'd have such a hard time coping with this...I knew he would, but I didn't know I would. Strong has nothing to do with this, this is a whopper! Losing the person you love is losing your life and how do you cope with that?! I have a Bah, Humbug stamp and I feel like using it!

[Trudy1964]

I am so sorry for your loss Kayc. It doesn't matter how long their gone. 1 week, 4 weeks, 4 months or 4 years. We all go through it in our own way and time. I don't want Christmas either. I wish those of us who want it could just wake up Jan. 2 and it would all be over. People who are not going through don't understand when we say we DON'T want Christmas. My tree boxes are still in my living room. I think I'm putting the 7 foot back in the attic and going buy a 4 foot. I just can't handle all the "BIG" Christmas things like last year. I too felt like at some points I just wasn't going to get through.

I almost took a leave from work. I started having migraines 6 days a week, anxiety attacks, not sleeping. I am now on topamax (migraines) and lexapro. I was very anti medicine. I have always considered myself a strong person. But this is bigger than me. Loosing someone who means that much to you just is life changing. I am also seeing a grief counselor. He is helping me alot. I still get sad. The lexapro lets me function on a daily basis. I still DON'T want Christmas.

I have also learned I have some friends I can talk to. And they let me do just that. TALK. They just listen. I don't have to explain how I feel. I don't have to explain why I can't listen to a Christmas song or look at Christmas decoration. I just can't. Others don't understand. They think you are only sad when you cry. They don't understand that the hole is in your heart constantly or that you feel like you have no heart left. Some days you put on an Academy performance wearing that fake smile to get through the day. They think, "She's smiling. She's ok."

That's what we're here for Kayc. To just listen. I'll keep you in my prayers. And know that you are not alone in your journey of grief. We are all here with you. My Mom passed away in July after a 3 and a half week battle with lung cancer. I miss her dearly.

Missing My Mom,

Trudy

[ustwo]

KayC...I am so sorry you are in such intense pain. You've traveled along side of me through this terrible journey and you have helped me so much....you've helped so many. I don't know if the holiday season will ever hold any meaning again but I do it because of children and grandchildren that Gene left as his legacy. Let your son get the tree and decorate it if you don't feel you can do this. Yes, everyone wants us to be "back to normal". They don't understand that will never happen...we're alone and different now still trying to find "something". I don't even know what that is. I know what we want but God can't make my wish come true. I spent yesterday putting together a boquet of silk roses for Gene. My children think I am ok...if they could only watch my days. The world is still going on while we are still frozen in grief...nothing will ever be the same. KayC, do only what you feel you can do. I am happy your job came through. You've had so much to deal with along with grief. I to do not feel like church but I still go...searching for answers...searching for peace. Maybe I'm waiting on a thunder bolt to show me the way....to answer why.

I wish everyone here just one moment of peace.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Maylissa]

kayc,

I HEAR you, girl!! And ditto to your feelings!! The closer this stupid holiday gets, the more pain I'm in...crying rivers that don't want to stop, getting ill from all the stress and strain of just trying to keep existing, and most people aren't even listening, don't want to understand how impossible this all is inside. The only blessing seems to be having this place to come and vent in...but it's also more like a 'consolation' prize, if you know what I mean. How sad is it that this has to be viewed as a blessing, rather than the simpler joy we once knew!

I only want a small topiary or something to hang a few special things of remembrance on, but going into all the stores to search for one is killing me at the same time....all those stupid carols that bring me such pain and emotional turmoil! Has anyone else ever noticed how many Christmas songs are deliberately SAD to begin with? And how the retail market tries harder and harder each year to FORCE joviality upon us by playing these things earlier and earlier, and LOUDER AND LOUDER, non-stop?!?! Apparently, the store clerks are starting to complain about being subjected to this for sooooo long, so maybe we need to join them in their complaints!

I can't imagine EVER getting through Christmas again, without feeling this anguish...so it's impossible at these times to believe in healing, when I feel like my entire future is forever ruined by the loss of my girl (and guy, and Mother, and brother)and all those years of loving suddenly being over and done with...and I can't bring those experiences back, no matter how much I may 'heal'. Memories are all well and good, but they're not the 'real deal', nor are they the present. Funny, how when it's convenient to say so, the past is "dead and gone", so we shouldn't dwell on it, yet when we have a loss, it's what we're encouraged to take some kind of solace in....

I, too, am royally fed up with people expecting the impossible, the completely unrealistic, out of us. It's time for this foolishness and denial to end, I say. I think we all need national campaigns to make ourselves heard, understood and dignified regarding our losses!! Maybe we could call it the "Bah...HUMBUG! Campaign Against Ignorance"!

I'll be thinking of you and knowing I have an ally in another soul who truly 'gets' it.

Edited December 2, 2006 by Maylissa

[KarenH]

Hi Kay,

I share your sentiments completely. My grandmother died on the 11th of November and the 1-year anniversary of Paul's death is dec. 10. That was the last of my family except my son and I'm still only in my 40s. Lonely doesn't even describe it. Amazingly, my son is still looking forward to Christmas and told me the other day he's looking forward to spending the day with me. He's 15 and a really good person, so I'm setting my sights on making it a good day for him. Not sure how, yet, but I will try.

You're right about people thinking it's time you're over it. Someone told me over Thanksgiving weekend, no less, that I needed to start a new chapter in my life. Yeah right. Walk a mile in our shoes.

Church actually does help me, I am good friends with our pastor and his wife and the people there are the most understanding of my friends. My son's best friends stem from the youth group, so at least I one place of solice, although I've had my spiritual challenges the past couple of years.

I hope you're having a better day today, you always write such inspiring insights, my thoughts are with you.

Karen

[Roswell]

Kayc,

Don't let anyone rush you...grieve as you must. If it's any consolation we all have a difficult time dealing with

our losses. I am vastly approaching my two year anniversary, and can tell you that it hasn't gotten any easier.

In fact, I couldn't miss her more! I often ask for a mere 5 more minutes...just to let her know how much I loved

her and how she affected my life.

Sorry to hear that you're feeling so low...please don't be too harsh on yourself! Seems to be customary around

here. People beating up themselves over something they have no control of.

I'd like to be the one tell you that it gets better, it doesn't, it just softens or weakens...the pain remains.

You're entitled to your humbug stamp, be that as it may...your son deserves a very Merry Christmas!

I wish that for you, and your immediate family.

Just something to think about...nothing more.

With kind reference and sincerest condolences,

William

[janieb0828]

KayC

I know people do not understand. It doesn't matter how long it has been, you are still having a lot of pain and suffering. You may be having a more harder time since its the Holidays and you just started your new job. Its a lot of extra stress, that you don't normally have.

I know, after I went back to work two months after the motorcycle accident everyone expected me to be ok, well I wasn't and going back to work only stressed me out to the point that I went back off of work six weeks later and I have been off every since.

I go back to work part-time starting Monday, I expect myself to be having the same feelings as you, with the money stress, and Christmas coming up I just dont know how I am going to be.

Try to hold on, and being mad at him is a part of the grieving process, so don't think that you are having this feeling and be guilty about them. I have been so mad at Mike for the last couple of weeks. I went outside the other night and used our Bike Helmets as punching bags. Because it was the first time we road on the Highway without them in a long time, and it just ticked me off. You should find some way of letting out your anger, but don't do what I did, because I cracked the side of my hand. Walk or excersize is what my Psychologist told me to do. Walk and talk to yourself, even if you are standing in your house and walking in place, say how you feel as you walk, believe me it really helps.

[Laurie]

Kay, You've helped all of us many many times with your words. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time now. I understand not wanting to do Christmas. I don't either but my kids are young, so I have to. What if you got a smaller tree this year? and maybe buy an angel ornament for George to hang on it. I also get mad at Sean sometimes for not taking better care of himself, for not trying harder. At times I've even wished I'd never met him, because then I wouldn't have loved him and I wouldn't be hurting like this. I know you're a strong person, people say that about me too, but I don't think anyone could be strong all the time after losing the one we love. When you can get to your doctor, maybe you should ask for an anti-depressant. It might just ease the stress a little bit. It HAS to get easier Kay. It just has to, This happens every day to other people and somehow they go on. I know we will always miss them. That's because we loved them so much. But I think that one day we WILL feel hope and happiness again. Maybe you could write George a nice long letter today telling him how you feel. I forget if you've said you do that, but it does help me even though I cry while I'm writing. Love, Laurie

[lorikelly]

Dear kayc and everyone.

I also feel terrible , i think this time of yr makes it so much worse. i am trying my hardest b/c of my boys and i just take one minute at a time. i still am begging for God to give me one more minute with my mom. the pain is horrible. i pray everyday that it was ease up. i did get lexapro from my dr but have been afraid to start, i don't want to have all the side effects. i am tring to convince myself to take it. i am also not sleeping at all and that is the worst. i am so tired i can barely stand. i am going to call monday for a sleeping pill.

I don't listen to any christmas music that will make me sad, i turn it off. the boys and my husband will decorate the tree, i have to work that night so i won't do that part. i wanted to put up a small one but my little one wants the big one. i just do the best i can.

i thank God that i have all of you here, you have been so much help to me. i wish i could do more for all of you. i pray for you everyday. May God replace our hearts with joy and remove the sorrow.

Lori

[Trudy1964]

Lori,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother and pain you are going through right now. I started taking Lexapro and it helped me a lot. I was very anti medicine. Didn't want to hear about. I wasn't sleeping either. Then the migraines started. I was having them 5-6 out of 7 days a week. Sometimes lasting for days. Lexapro helped me a lot. I still have sad days. I even get depressed. But now I can go to work and function. I can do my job and take care of my kids like I am supposed to.

Sleeping, I couldn't sleep at night and yet I was so very tired all the time. The doctor gave me ambien. Grief is exhausting. It takes all of your strength. It drains you.

Christmas, that's another story. I too am getting through it best way I can. I'm getting a smaller tree. I can't listen to Christmas music. I don't want to see Christmas lights.

This site is such a God send. I know we all come here because of the pain we are going through but it is also a way for us to keep the memory of our love ones alive. Life goes one for everyone else. For us, we are on the roller coaster ride of emotions that has no end. Here, nobody gets tired of hearing about our loved ones that have passed.

[chrissy777]

Kay C,

I agree about Christmas. I am trying to forget about it but it doesnt go away. Everyone is so happy about it. People tell me next Christmas will be easier. I hope so. Dont be hard on yourself and we will survive. Take care and God bless.

[LarrysGirl]

It was good to see some of you can't listen to the Christmas music or deal with the lights. Today Larry's mother came by and her car was playing the songs and she's just singing away. I told her, I can't take that. She looks at me as if I am an alien. I was thinking about a tree, but I feel guilty. How could I possibly ride past the cemetary to the tree lot and go home with a tree. It just isn't the time for me. Nothing feels right about any holiday preparation without him. Deborah

[WaltC]

((((Kay C)))),

So sorry about how you feel at this "supposedly" happy time of the year.

You are a strong person and I know that you know that while Death ends LIFE, it does not end a relationship. Although George did die his love lives on in your heart FOREVER. He will always be loved and etched on your very being!

I hope your new job goes well for you and that this Christmas Season does bring some comfort from wonderful memories.

Edited December 4, 2006 by WaltC

[Laurie]

Nobody seems to understand why I don't want to hear the Christmas music either, and I work in a store that plays it constantly. I will get a tree, and shop for presents for the kids of course, but I'll be forcing myself. I don't want to. My Mom called me last night to tell me a Hallmark Christmas movie was on, and I should turn it on. I said "I can't. It's too hard." She doesn't understand why I'm not excited about Christmas. She doesn't seem to really get it. I guess no one does, until they go through it themself. It's been eight weeks and it feels like a lifetime ago, but it also seems like yesterday. Strange, everything is strange now. I'm going to say a prayer tonight that at this time next year, we'll all be looking forward to Christmas. I sure hope so, Laurie

[spunkye]

Hi Dear Kay,

I know exactly wht you're talking about. I don't feel like celebrating X-mas either. My friends want me to come over, my daughter wants me to stay with her and my mom and sister want me to come over. I came up with the best decision - one that I was really looking forward to.

There's a retreat center about 1/2 hour away - it-s on 600+ acres - and they have some guided retreats and some personal retreats. They have rooms with baths and a communal kitchen. When I called about getting something for X-mas eve and Xmas day, all they had was a room...$40.00 per night, and no TV. All I wanted to do was go up there by myself, with my Bible, my positive tapes and CD's, my own food, and my Christian books...read, meditate, walk, pray.......

When I told my daughter she got very hurt - she informed me that she will only be spending probebly 20 minutes with her stepkids and grandson, 'cuz they have so many places to go!!..so we decided to get bagels and lox for X-mas morning and buy a ready=made turkey dinner for the day and night and the two of us just chill at home.

I'll go visit my mom and sister X-mas eve, open a few little presents and come home. Then Kim and I will have a quiet xmas at home...I'm not up to lots of people and parties - not even up to shopping. I'm doing the bare minimum this year.

The day after Xmas I made reservations for my daughter and I to go to Cambria for a few days - it's a darling, quiet, and sweet little town up in Northern California. That will be very nice and it's my xmas present to my daughter.

So I guess, basically, I 'm going to really try to focus on WHAT Xmas is really all about - the birth of Jesus Christ - and I can be prayerful and meditative and thankful on that aspect throughout the holidays and not get into the mustic and laughter and mad shopping and parties...I think that's ok...it feels really good to me. I just miss Dick too much for so much of an onslaught of reminders.

Love, Benita

[kayc]

Thank you all for your responses. I am doing better right now...Friday night was a really down time for me...I guess I had a super big "grief burst". My family was here this weekend and it was good to see them, but I still do NOT feel like getting in to Christmas. George was always so into the holidays and he was so exhuberant and fun, it's just really hard to be festive without him. My children are grown but nevertheless, as young people, want some celebration. I feel that things will never be the same again, and they won't, but I don't want to dampen everyone else's holiday...I just don't feel up to it myself. And it's all the harder with things being so financially tight, I really can't afford to buy presents this year, all of my money goes to basic necessities and it's a stretch to do that. I have been thinking about George and I think I want to put his ornaments on the tree, his stocking, etc., as a way of honoring and remembering him. It's so hard, I never know from one moment to the next how to handle something. I guess we just really have to listen to ourselves and respect ourselves and our wishes. God help all of us through Christmas!