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Please Help Me Understand

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Someone close to me has lost her mother a few years ago. This week is tough because its the 7 days prior to her death. Unfortunately for me, I really have no understanding as to how it feels to lose a parent. I want to be there for her so that she has someone to talk to, however since I have never experienced what she has I don't truly understand what she is feeling.

I also understand that expressing how much pain is involved is difficult, but if anyone has any pointers for me that would be great. In some circumstances the "I'm sorry, I know how you feel" are good, however this is different because I really don't.... Most people don't unless they have really experienced it for themselves.

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How fortunate your friend is to have such a caring person as you beside her, and how sensitive of you to be seeking some “pointers” in how to be there for her in a positive way as she copes with the loss of her mother .

I’d like to refer you to two excellent articles on that very subject: How to Help a Person in Grief:

“If Someone You Know Has Suffered a Loss” by Bob Carnivale, at http://home.comcast.net/~easinggrief/HowtoInteract.htm

“It’s Happening Again” by Sandy Goodman, at http://hospicenet.org/html/spring.html

I'm also pasting into this message a piece that appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site (at http://www.griefhealing.com/GrievingHearts.htm ) in hopes that it will be of some help to you and to others who read this message:

How to Help a Friend in Grief

As much as we would like to avoid unpleasantness in our lives, sometimes it is inescapable. Instead, we must learn how to grieve in healthy ways and work through our difficulties. If you are wondering what you can do to help a friend who is in intense mourning, here are some suggestions:

Recognize that everyone grieves at their own pace.

Some progress rather quickly, some move very slowly. We never move at the speed that others think we should. Help us take one day at a time.

Keep us company and be there for us.

You don't need to say anything profound or do anything earthshaking. Often, your greatest help is your quiet presence and simplest deeds.

Make suggestions and initiate contact and activities.

It is important for you to respect our privacy and give us some time alone, but we also may not have the energy to structure our lives right after a traumatic loss. We may have to rely on others to think of things that we don't know to ask for.

Provide a safe environment for us to show strong emotions.

It may be very painful, but it can be of enormous help.

Help us remember good things.

Tell us your memories of our loved one as you listen to us tell you ours. If we begin to show our emotions outwardly, you have not upset us, you have simply enabled us to be a bit more open in your presence.

Be there after the first wave is over.

Make the effort to call, to come by, to help us out six months and even a year down the road.Crowds may be difficult for us. Shopping and holidays will be overwhelming. Offer your help. If we're not up to a visit we'll let you know, but let us know you remember and are there for us.

Listen to us.

We need to tell our story over and over in order to process our grief. We may even say outrageous things. Don't judge us by what we say or how we feel. We have a lot to work through, and in time we will come to the answers that are right for us.

Be careful of clichés, religious platitudes, or easy answers.

You may not be able to help us with certain issues right now, so don't be too quick to share your opinions if we say something you don't agree with. We need time to work things out on our own.

Be sensitive to our needs, be patient, have confidence and believe in us.

We will get better, we will experience healing; but it will take some time, and it can be rough going for much of the way.

Be on the lookout for destructive behaviors.

Traumatic loss can lead some people into depression, alcohol or drug abuse. We may need you to keep an eye on us while things are especially tough.

Help us find humorous diversion.

Laughter is good medicine.

Be willing to do difficult things with us.

We may need someone to sit with us in court; we may need a safe place to rage; we may need help with the funeral or afterwards. There may be some hard times ahead and facing them alone can be terrifying.

Help us find ways to bring good things out of the bad.

It is important that our loved one be remembered and memorialized.

Find out about grief.

Read some of the books that are available. The more you know, the better able you will be to help us.

Help us to find support and inspiration.

Often, a poem or song will speak to us in ways that no one else can. Also, talking to someone who has survived a similar loss can help us to realize that we are not alone in our grief.

We have to go through this valley in order to get to the other side.

Dealing with grief cannot be avoided or postponed. Grief can make relationships difficult and you may get frustrated with us or feel uneasy around us. But please remember that now, more than ever, we need the caring and patient support of our friends and family. Help us get through this as well as we are able. Your true friendship and companionship, your kindness and patience can help us get our lives back together.

We will experience some level of grief over our loved one's loss for the rest of our lives.

Some days will simply be better than others. One day, we hope to reach a point where our good days outnumber the bad. That will be a major milestone for us.

Thank you for being here for us.

Reprinted with permission from What To Do When the Police Leave: A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss(3rd Edition), by Bill Jenkins, WBJ Press, Richmond, VA, 20001, http://www.willsworld.com

I hope this information proves helpful to you. Above all, please be patient with your friend. Grief work is some of the most difficult work she will ever have to do, and it will help her to know that you will let her do it at her own pace, and that you don't expect her to have to do it all alone.

Wishing your friend the peace and healing she deserves,

Marty T

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