Mom Has Been Gone A Week...

[jonquil]

I wrote a long entry, but it erased when I went to preview it. Grrrr...

My mom passed away a week ago from cancer. People keep remarking about how well I seem to be doing, but I have to work...we have a mortgage.

I'm just trying to survive. I know that the holidays are going to be tough. The only decorations I have up are my tree and the wreath on my door. I'm just so drained...and now w/ xmas less than 2 weeks away I'm not sure I can be bothered to dig out the rest of the decs.

I still can't believe my mom is gone. Logically I know that my mom is better off because she is no longer in pain, but the little girl in me needs her mommy.

If it wasn't for my two young nieces I would want to skip xmas this year. Its going to be really tough. How do the rest of you get thru the holidays??

[jc1030]

jonquil,

I'm sorry for your loss. It's been over a month and a half since I lost my dad to a stroke, and it doesn't get any easier. Thanksgiving was tough, and I'm also bracing myself for Christmas, my first without my dad. How will we get through the holidays? We're going to eventually find out.

Hang in there.

Jeff

Edited December 12, 2006 by jc1030

[jonquil]

Thanx so luch for your reply. Thanksgiving didn't really feel like Thanksgiving to us this year. Mom was home from the hospital, but wasn't up to celebrating w/ us. Too many people in the house started making her feel sick. We took off my neices' shoes and took the food out into the screened in porch to eat while one of us stayed w/ mom.

I worry about my grandmother. My mom was an only child and nan lost her mother and her father almost 15 years ago. My mom was only in her 50's. I'm hoping that nan will stay over my house or my brother's house for Christmas Eve. I don't want her waking up to an empty house on Christmas morning. Luckily we all live w/i a mile of each other, so we're all close by.

I want xmas to be special this year...but its hard to get into the spirit. I used to wrap all the presents my mom bought for everyone...I don't even want to think about doing the wrapping this year.

[Trudy1964]

Jonquil,

So sorry for the loss of your Mom. We are all dealing with the same thing here. My Mom passed in July from cancer also. I'm not sure how we'll make out for the holidays yet. Thanksgiving was just Thursday. We are trying to keep the traditions that my Mom used to have going. I know it will be very hard. I don't know if we will be successful. Just try taking one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. I'm giving advice that I'm having trouble remembering. You've come to a good place here. Everybody listens because we all feel the same pain. God Bless.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[jonquil]

Thank you, Trudy. We're all trying to be strong for my grandmother. Luckily she has my brother's little girls to focus on. She's attempting to do her own xmas shopping and has asked us all for lists. I've tried sitting down to write it, but I just can't put pen to paper right now.

I haven't been to the grocery store in weeks. I keep telling myself that I'll go the next day, but that doesn't happen. I'm trying to take it one day at a time...but even that is tough sometimes.

[Trudy1964]

Jeff,

Make sure you take time for yourself also. It's good you have your brother's children to help focus on. But you have to have time for you. Right after my Mom passed I couldn't make any headway with anything I did. Sometimes I still feel that way. It's gotten a little better. It will be 5 months on the 16th of Dec. and I only cried 3 times today. We are just trying to survive. Together we will all do it. God Bless.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[Sandra-T]

Jonquil, just want to express my condolences, this is so hard for everyone. One thing about visiting here, we can see we are not alone in our feelings. Your Mom was so young. I lost my Gram 4 years ago, and expected Mom to have many more, but not to be. I hate this which I've seen much of here, you barely hear there is a diagnosis, and weeks later you are sitting in a stupor saying "what the hell happened?" Its crazy. Holidays are useless to me, have been for years, but I keep it up for kids, etc. Once my Gram was gone, it changed things, and now with Mom gone it will be so much worse. I want to get in bed and stay there, and have been doing a lot of that actually. I am lucky my husband works enough for both of us(barely) so I can take time off. But the grandchildren give me no time off, they are with me every weekend. I try to keep up a good attitude for them, but its very hard.

You are blessed to still have your Gram, and take good care of her on the holiday, apparently stuff happens so suddenly, we just don't know. I wish so much I had done more for my Moms last birthday, but who knew??

Well we have to gather round the Christmas spirit somehow. Beats me how. I can't wait till its over.

Hugs, and hang in there. Its just beem 2 weeks for me, so I know just where you are at,.

Sandra

[jonquil]

Sandra:

Thanx so much for your post. This week has been tough. I'll hear a song or hear a word that reminds me of mom and it brings everything back. I went to the movies today w/ my hubby, nan and 2 1/2 yr old niece. When nan got into the car my niece asked for my mom. "Where is she," she asked. We all sat there in silence, but a second later she answered her own question by saying, "she's in the sky." It broke my heart.

My oldest brother is upset that we're not having xmas at nan's this year....but honestly I don't think I could celebrate xmas in the same house where mom died...we usually open presents in the living room and that's where her bed was placed. He's been giving all of us a hard time over it. I know he's hurting too right now, but I wish he would think of us a little.

I'm sorry for your loss too. These have been the longest 2 weeks of my life.

[Sandra-T]

You know, J, I think my sister is a bit like your brother, hurting in her own way, which is way way different from me, and since Mom lived with her,(Mom had actually bought the place so my sister and jher kids would have a place to live) has already taken over her room, which was a great shock for me to see. It seemed so insulting somehow.

We will make it, somehow. Lets just visualize our loved ones in a happy, peaceful, beautiful place, with no one to hurt them or make them sad or sick. I am working hard at that every day.

Hugs

Sandra

[jonquil]

I meant to reply before this, but I kept putting it off. Its now been a month since my mom passed. I don't think its really sunk in yet. I think of her every day. I'll see something on tv and pick up the phone to call her...and then realize that I can't. I just can't believe she's gone. I haven't taken her necklace off since I put it on the day after the wake. Wearing something of hers makes me feel closer to her.

I haven't really broken down yet...and I'm wondering if I ever will. I have cried, but not like I thought I would. I'm not sure what I'm expecting. It seems stupid to complain about not having a complete meltdown. I know my lack of tears doesn't mean I loved my mom any less...but I still feel strange about all this.

I think I haven't been able to deal w/ it on my own terms. Everyone is constantly saying "look how well she's doing." I'm still on show. I can't grieve privately yet.

I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense...

[lorikelly]

It will hit you when it you are ready. everyone grieves in there own way. i wear my moms braclet and ring and never take them off. i wish i didn't have a complete melt down. i am falling apart. just take it as it comes. Lori

[Trudy1964]

Jonquil,

At my Mothers funeral, my sister cried and cried and cried. I was very strong. Everyone told me to take care of her because I was doing so well. In front of others, I put on one face because I don't share well with them. Honestly, in my shower is the only place I cry. My Mom has been gone 5.5 months and I still want to pick up the phone to call her. Give yourself time. Once the shock wears off, the tears will flow. Nobody knows what's going on inside of a broken heart. Just concentrate on taking care of yourself and only do what you feel up to doing. Don't let other people tell you how you should be feeling or not feeling. We are all one the same journey and we're all here for you.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[jonquil]

Lori & Trudy, thank you so much for your replies.

Today I went and just sat in my mom's room for awhile. It felt good to be surrounded by her things.

My grandmother got a strange package for my mom today (they lived together): roses and a cookie jar were delivered to the house w/ a xmas card attached. I have no idea who they are from either. I think its funny that even in death my mom has a crush. My nan felt bad and called up the place that delivered the flowers and asked if they could contact the person who sent the flowers and let them know that my mom has passed.

_________________

Tomorrow I head back to work after being off for the holidays. I'm actually looking forward to it. I need something to take my mind off of things.

[Trudy1964]

Jonquil,

As much as I hate to go back to work, I think it will do us all some good maybe to get back to "normal". Have a safe trip on your way home.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[jonquil]

Thanx Trudy. I need some normalcy back in my life.

[PrincessKiki]

Losing a Mom is hard. I still feel the loss of mine. Honor her and know that at times it will be hard..... it's ok to cry, hun. And also know that you have a place to turn to.

[Claire]

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Denise xx

[AnnieO]

Hello

It's been almost one month since my mom died.I can't believe it..it's all such a blur. And everyday I seem to be more in a fog than the day before. I keep making lists of things I need to do, but can't seem to get anything done. Except writing thank you's. My mom believed in thank you cards! I wanted to get those done right away because my mom would have wanted that.

My daughter is home from college and last night she asked me if I wanted her to take time off and stay home..of course I do, but I hugged her and said, "no, I will be fine, you need to get back to school". Selfishly, I wish she could stay here with me. The other thing that is really upsetting to me, is how people (sister-in-law, cleaning ladies) keep asking me for my mom's things. The cleaning ladies ask me , weekly, if I want them to "bag up" my mom's clothing and take it to their church. I haven't touched anything of my mom's, her coat is still hanging on a kitchen chair and her purse is on the table. I certainly don't want people "bagging up" her things.

Thank you for listening.

[Trudy1964]

Annie,

Everyone does things in their own time. Going through your Mom's things maybe something you have to wait on. Do what you can handle at your own pace? After you have such a loss, everthing is so special. I have the chapstick that I would put on my Mom's lips. I feel like she is kissing me when I put some on my lips. Grieving is a long jourey. I'm glad you decided to keep coming back. Welcome to the family.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[MartyT]

Annie, please read all the messages in this thread: Sorting Through Papers ~ Grieving Deeply for Four Months

[AnnieO]

Marty,

Thank you, I read the things you suggested and feel relief.

I realize, there is no set time that I have to go thru my mom's things and I now know, not to let anyone pressure me into doing this until I am ready.

Thank you.

[shell]

AnnieO,

It's been almost two years since my dad died and his golf clubs are still in the truck of the car! Where they will stay, unless we sell the car.Then we will still keep them somewhere close to us. So you keep as many of your moms things around for as long as you want.

Hugs,

Shell

[jonquil]

I'm sorry that I haven't written here in awhile. Just trying to deal w/ things. The void in my life seems bigger than ever. My mom filled such a big part of my life and a day doesn't go by where I don't think about her. I can't seem to concentrate on much these days. I've been thinking about talking to my doctor about things, but my hubby thinks everything is fine. I'm just not sure what is considered a normal grieving process and what isn't.

[shell]

Jonquil,

All I can tell you is that I don't think there is a "normal" grieving process. We all seem to share a lot of emotions and problems, but then I'm sure there are things we've all felt or gone through that are "unique" to each of us. Aside from obvious problems (such as attempting suicide, developing a substance abuse problem, etc.) that would indicate that you need additional, expert help, I think anything and everything is normal while grieving. All the feelings we have are normal.

Hugs,

Shell

[AnnieO]

Hello,

Once again, I found help from all of you. I had such a hard,hard day..

We got over 2 ft of snow. The only way I could get to the barn to feed horses was by snowmobile. Even with that, I got stuck in a drift. I dug and dug , lifted it inch by inch. Then when I got it dug out, it wouldn't start. I got out my cell phone to call home, it was dead. I tried once more to get it started and the cord wrapped around my hand and I think I broke 2 fingers. Okay, the reason I am telling you all of this is..at that point where I hurt my hand, I lost it. I layed down in the snow and sobbed and sobbed. It had nothing to do with the snow and getting stuck etc..it was all about my mom and how much I miss her. It was like something broke inside and I was finally able to let it all out. I cried for so long, I was exhausted..I still am , hours later. I started looking at old posts and found so many about the 3 month period and how it suddenly seemed so hard again for many of you. It will be 3 months next week. It helped to know that having such a hard time right now is something many of you have experienced. Now, I can almost laugh when I think about this morning and if someone would have stumbled across me, they would have thought I had been in a terrible snowmobile accident!

Thanks for listening.