First Holiday

[sufferindon]

Good morning. Thanks for reading this.

I'm not even sure how too start this. So here it goes.. My wife passed away on 1/14/04. She went into the hospital on 11/21/03. Never to return home or to a normal life that we both once knew.

She spent Thanksgiving, Christmas,Newyears Eve and New Years day in hospital. I was with her on each of these days but she was not in her right mind. Due to the medications and the infections she had in side of her. She knew who I was and others but really had no cluse where or why she was where she was at. That was a blessing.

So I have been on this ride called grief and suffering for about 12 weeks. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through my entire life. I have joined or I should say been attending 2 Hospice groups here in the valley. And each has helped in their own specail way.

My first brick wall I ran into was the day I was suppose to return too work after my wife had died. I had not worked since the 28th of December 2003.

So I wanted to return on the 26th Of January. every thing seemed pretty normal that morning. But when it came time for me to walk out the door. I lost it. I don't ever remember crying that hard in my whole life.I was frozen in time. I could not move. I had no idea what I was going through or what I was experiecing. I thought I was going insane.Then I remembered that hospice of the Valley had left some phone numbers for me too call in case I needed help. This was a time where I really needed help. This was the hardest call I ever had to make. Trust me I had to make several in my life but this was the first time I really needed help. And I got a nice lady who took down my name and number and some one would all me back. They did a few days later.

Oh well but they sent a counsler to my house to see me and that really helped.

since then my life has been a bumpy and curvy down hill and up hill climb.

But I have been doing pretty well. I have a new job that has a slow start. But at least i'm starting to pay some bills now.

And I felt as though the numbing has subsided a little. That was up untill. Yesterday morning. I felt ok not really thinking about Easter or any thing. Then I read a post on another grief site and a guy who was new told the almost the same story as mine. Of course I had to reply and show him the simularities. By the time I was half way through I was crying as hard as I did back on January 26,2004.

I kept asking my self why why? Then it hit me. This will be the first major holiday with out my sweet Rhonda.Now I miss her more then ever. Because of my relgious beliefs this is a major Holiday and was a major holiday for us.

But to day I feel so much better then I did yesterday. Although i did not sleep that great I still feel pretty well.

I sure hope the next holiday that comes along which for us will be my birthday and then our wedding Anniversary which is 8/25.

So I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep reminding myself that this is a journey of healing. I need to keep moving forward. One step at a time. Even if they are small steps these are steps I must take.

Thanks for reading... Please feel too respond. I enjoy feed back.

Don

[shepp]

Hello Don. I too lost my wife. In fact it is six months ago today at 10.30am that Janice died. Reading your post was like reliving my own grief process. I could feel the great love you have for Rhonda. All of what you have said I can identify with. Yes it is the worse experience any human can go through. You wonder will it ever end. Keep going ahead one day at a time Don, but dont be hard on yourself if you seem to fall back. We all experience this it seems. There is a wonderfull Hospice group up here in BC Canada where I live. I have been to their counceling sessions. All of us that attended (ten in my session) experienced all the symptoms you and I are. You are normal and not going crazy.

Graham