New And Not Coping Well

[Janine]

My sister died November 5th 2006, she was 35 years old. It still seems impossible. She is the baby out of ten of us and she also leaves behind 3 young children and her husband.

She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia two years ago. She had steadily gotten worse and a week before she died, a butterfly rash appeared on her face. Lupus was diagnosed and she had an appointment the following Monday with a specialist. She died Sunday night. Every time I drive the interstate I re-live the drive to the hospital when I got the call that she had been taken from home in an ambulance. I remember praying to God that she was OK. I remember feeling that she was already gone. When they told me she “had passed”, I had to see for myself. I keep her picture clearly visible in my bedroom to wipe the memory of the cold ER room and the tubes and bruises all over her body.

I want to scream at the people who tell me I am lucky to have such a big family to fill the emptiness.We are still ten, but the last one is only sweet memories and nothing can fill the hole that has been left.

I don’t eat, I’m not hungry. I don’t sleep very well and I have quit dreaming. I used to always remember my dreams. I don’t know if my mind is blocking them out or if just don’t dream anymore. At work I am a drone with no program to follow. I feel physically ill, tired and I ache. I have good days where I actually accomplish something, I have good moments where I am happy and then bad ones, like now.

This week her husband told my mother he was moving back home. Half way across the county my nieces and nephew will be raised by strangers. They have lost their mother, their home, their school and all stability that remained. I know he is still in shock & denial, but I also know it is wrong. He moved out here to get away from his family. How can he subject his own children to what he ran away from?

All of my sister’s belongings and her ashes will go with him. I feel like she is dying all over again.

I am so full of emotion that I feel numb.

[Trudy1964]

Janine,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. I haven't loss a sibling. I loss my Mom in July to cancer. It was quick also. The numbness is normal. When you come out of the fog, you realize it's real and not a horrible dream. Everything you described is unfortunately pretty normal. Not sleeping, not eatting, no appetite. Being exhausted and yet you can't sleep. Grief is self obsorbing. Even at almost 6 months, I still feel like it was yesterday.

Grief is a journey with many ups and downs.

You've come to the right place. Everyone here has been where you are. Some of us are still there. Keep coming back and posting. It helps to get it out.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[LoriW]

Janine,

Trudy is right. What you are going through now is the same stuff I did after my Mom died. My mind would often replay the slant of sunlight as I drove to my parent's home after my Mom passed away. It's like I had everything slowed down and photos in still life in my mind's eye. Seeing my Mom laying there, like your sister, with tubes...lifeless and the warmth draining from her body. It's painful.

However, and I know right now it is hard for you to believe, those specific memories become less vivid. They now appear less and less to me and for that I am grateful. As for family issues...it's been 13 months since my Mom died and I swear, every day there is a new adjustment. Some things are harder to get used to....but a life was lost and it is a void for everyone, one that cannot ever be replaced. I am learning it's so important to keep my Mom's memory alive and to hold on to the conversations we and the memories we made.

Janine, do not expect a lot from yourself. You are going to be forgetful, exhausted, irritable, sad...remember, you need to be good to yourself.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Lori

[KittyLove]

I am so sorry about your sister. And I am so sorry about what is happening with your nieces & nephews. Sounds like insult to injury and I can feel your pain there. My story is not the same as yours, but I do have my own 'insult to injury' type scenario with the loss of my grandfather in July.

You will find many people here that will reply to your posts, no matter how weird you are feeling.

All I can say is dont beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. You will soon find others grappling with the same ordeals. It may not take away the pain, but at least you wont feel alone.

I wish you a rest filled night & healthy appetite soon!!

Take care,

KL

[shell]

Janine,

I have nothing new to add that all the others didn't say. Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, not only of your sister, but now your neices and nephew. I will repeat...what you are going through is normal. Your emotions will be all over the place, but later down the road, things will get a little easier to live with. Welcome to the board and we hope you come back often.

Hugs to you and your family,

Shell

[Janine]

Thank you, all of you. I feel almost normal when I read the postings in this site. I know I am not alone and I know I am not loosing my mind. I also know that I will get through this somehow & the people that encompass this place will be a part of the steps I take forward and may remind me to get up and move again when I fall. I don't believe misery loves comapany, it needs comfort and compassion and I see it here.

Thank you again.

Janine

[lorikelly]

Janine

I am glad that you found this site, it will help you alot. it has helped me more than i can say. i come everyday to read and post. somedays just read or reread. i am sorry about your sister. you are very normal . i lost my mom in july and still can't believe the nightmare won't end. i still wake up thinking it will be different but it won't. i just pray each day for strength to get through . do what is best for you, don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. keep coming back. Lori

[shell]

Janine,

My best friend sent me some friendship quote cards. One of the quotes was, "Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." I think that we have all become friends on this board and that is what we are trying to do, help each other fly.

Hugs,

Shell

[LoriS.]

Janine,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am new to these boards, too. My mom passed away October 06'. I feel your pain. I too have all the anxiety issues that you have and have so much physical pain as well. Hang in there.

Again, so sorry...Lori

[Janine]

J & the kids are leaving Tuesday. Sunday we will all come together to wish them well. I cry just thinking about it, maybe I will get most of my tears spent before then. I still feel like when they are all gone, they will take all of my sister with them. I know that this isn't true, but my memories of her are all jumbled & mixed up.

I would say that I will be strong for the kids, but we have learned to cry together. The three year old still does not understand. Out of the blue she will grab my hand and say "let's go get mommy from heaven, she's been there too long.'

Janine

[shell]

Janine,

I am so sorry that he is leaving and taking the kids with him. I just don't understand some peoples thinking or insensitivity. I think you mentioned that he didn't get along well with his family. Maybe he'll find out this wasn't such a great idea and be back! Let's hope so, I know you want to be around your sisters children.

Hugs,

Shell

[dpodesta]

I think that when someone goes through things like death especially the death of a spouse, they don't think clearly about what they are doing. I am sure I made some descisions that weren't the best after Karen died. I don't think it is out of insensitivity, I think it is just he doesn't know what to do right now and when something like this happens, we run to what we know. It is hard for someone who has lost a spouse, you tend to think that you are no longer a part of your in-laws family. I was fortunate to have most of my family living in the same town as I do, I grew up around here and so did Karen and her family. I am also fortunate that Karen's family and I get along very well and have been assured by them that I will always be a part of the family. Hopefully Shell is right and after a while he will move back,

Derek

[Janine]

Derek

I think you are right about not knowing what to do. I spent the last few days helping J. pack. He was dazed and confused and not doing anything productive. He even said, "Can you tell I really don't want to go?"

He had planned on leaving at 1:00 PM and left at 11:00 PM. It was so hard to wake the kids up and kiss them goodbye. We knew it would be awhile before we saw them again, but they were sleepily unaware. Today we packed up everything he left behind, cleaned & made several trips to the dump & Goodwill. I am tired & emotional drained, but somehow I feel peace. I feel like I did something for my sister that really counted.

Janine