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Quiet Here Again ...


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I guess everyone is trying to find their way and this site has been quiet for a few days. For me, it has been 14 months. Now, do I say a year and 2 months or 14 months, I'm tired of counting, yet I feel like I have to tell myself how long he has been gone. I don't think acceptance will ever come for me. Its going to have to be called something else, resignation, defeat, surrender... but not acceptance. We were very much in love (14 years) and that love couldn't just come to a halt because he died. My heart is still in love with him, my mind doesn't understand whats happened. I, too, am trying to find out what will I do with my life now and I just don't know. Deborah

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I took a class on the psychology of death and dying. The professor says he does not agree that "acceptance" is the goal. He says certainly no one is going to "accept" and say it's okay that their spouse or child or parent died! He suggests that "adjustment" is a better word. Over time, you adjust to the loss. Perhaps you could say you "accept" that the loss happened, and you can't change that fact.

Although it was my ex-husband who died, I feel an enormous loss. I can't even imagine how devastating it would be had we still been married. And my dad died last month, leaving my mother alone after 56 years of marriage. It's so hard and so unfair. I am so sorry for your loss.

I agree that love doesn't stop with death. I believe our loved ones' spirits live on and the love continues. I believe we will see them again.

Ann

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I agree that acceptance doesn't seem an appropriate word for something we don't like and never wanted...and still don't. But I think adjustment would be a fair substituite for that word.

It has been quiet on this site lately, I keep checking in but nobody's writing. I guess everybody's just finding their own way.

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Hello,

I am feeling like Trudy. I read the posts everyday, but just haven't had anything to say. I am just so tired. My dad isn't doing well at all. It seems like everyday they add a new tube that comes out of his body. (catheter(sp), pic line etc) Today they added a feeding tube down his nose. He is losing ground everyday. He worked so hard, taking care of my mom for 2 years, its unreal how fast his health has declined since she died (Dec.7th) I feel so bad that I am not there all day long, everyday , like I was for my mom. It kills me that he spends time alone during the day. I try to go as much as I possibly can, but it's so hard to go into the same building, same floor where my mom died. I don't have the relationship with my dad that I did with my mom, but I still feel so sad for him, when I am not there. But there are days I just can't go. The drive is an hour both ways, and some days it's all I can do to take a shower and get dressed! Plus, I have a teen-age son at home that I have to pick up from school and make sure I am supporting him. I don't think my dad will pull thru this. Thanks for listening.

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Oh Annie. I am sorry you are going through this again. It is so hard to watch. I remember seeing my dad in the hospital before he died, he looked so old and frail, way before his time. You are rilght, you have to strike a balance between being there for your dad and being there for your son, and taking care of yourself, it's very hard to do, but you must be graceful towards yourself, you're only one person. I'll keep you and your dad in my prayers.

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It's been easier to stay quiet than face that another holiday season has gone by without my precious husband. It's been nearly 20 months. I stayed busy enough to exhaust myself but when everyone leaves it's still an empty, hollow place in my world. The first year felt like pieces of broken glass. Now it's like thorns cutting into my heart when I reach for each memory. Does anyone else have a feeling of unending restlessness? For a while I thought I was doing better...whatever that's suppose to mean. Now I'm back to not sleeping, not eating, wanting to be alone, dwelling on how Gene has been gone for 20 months. God does have mercy as I do not awake in the mornings again as I used to screaming Gene's name. I am able to get up and have one cup of coffee before I start to feel cheated out of the life we planned together. I've become a great actor..putting on a good face for everyone...sometimes I can even fool myself. When I am able fool myself for a little while I feel guilty. Inside all I want is my husband. All I can hope for is peace of some sort.

Always Gene!

Always!

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I am so sorry for your pain. i can feel in your words. i wish i could say the right words to you, but i don't have them. i will pray for you. i am good at that. i know the feeling of not eating/sleeping. i finally had to break down and take some meds. they seem be ok. are you taking anything? in therapy? i go to terapy once a week with my therapist and my priest. it does help. right now i am getting more from my priest. sometimes when i go see my therapist i just don't want to talk anymore, i have said enough. lori

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Deborah

Most certainly your heart is still in love with him, as he remains forever in love with you. :excl: I also question whether that "acceptance" will come for me. While I must acknowledge that she is gone for now, I don't have to accept that and "move on" (whatever that means).

ustwo

I also feel "cheated out of the life we planned together". I do hope that you can somehow find the peace that you seek. You know that Gene wants that for you as he waits to join you again.

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Evelyn,

I am sorry you are still having a hard time...I don't think it ever goes away, I'm sorry to say. I remarried, thinking that would help...my husband is a long haul driver and didn't ever get paid so he quit his job shortly after moving here. Now he was offered a job in Portland (3 1/2 hours away) and took it because we are so strapped for money...his new job works EVERY DAY and I don't know when I'll see him again. So much for that for an answer. Ha! I guess nothing I touch in life ever seems to come to fruition...at least not the way I'd hoped or thought.

No we don't ever forget them and nothing takes their place. But we almost owe it to ourselves to try to build something good into our lives, something to get up for, something to live for. I don't have grandchildren and don't know if/when I ever will. I lost my dream job this year and although I'm working now, my job is very tenuous and I could lose it at any time due to their financial constraints, just as I lost my last two jobs.

I wish there was some way we could ease each other's pain, but all I can say is, we're all in this together, and thank God we have each other to help us through it. I wish you the best...

KayC

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