Hello

[fairyqueen]

Hello, im new here, and nobody seemed to be talking in the teens bit, so i thought id write a message in here, because i came on here to try and find people similar to my age, with similar experiences.

I lost my dad on October 10th 2003. He had a carcinoid tumour in his liver that was discovered 5 years before that. He was told he had cancer on my 10th birthday. He had many operations, and cancer treatments like chemotherapy, but after a long struggle he died in a hospice in our city.

I live with my sister who is 7, and my mum. We are happy, but i feel really sad sometimes, because i miss my dad. I was very close to him, and we were very alike in the way we were both musical, and things like that. He was a professor of music theory and he wrote many books and composted pieces of music. Towards the end of his life he developed a computer program to anaylise music, and find out the cord structure or something?! (im very proud of him, i boast a lot, it makes me feel better to know that he did something in his life that was so fantastic... or i think so anyway)

Well anyway thats enough about me i guess, but i would be grateful if anyone would get in contact if they are of similar age (14), and circumstances. Its just gone past 6 months, and im beginning to feel very sad a lot of the time. thanks xxx

[MartyT]

My dear friend,

Your message has been sitting here all by itself for quite some time now, and I want to thank you for having the courage to “break the ice” and post the very first message in the Teens Talking to Teens Forum. Although I’m considerably older than you and my circumstances are different from yours, I don’t want to stand back any longer in hopes that another brave teen will find your message and respond to it.

I am struck by your comment that as you passed the sixth-month mark of your father’s death, you found yourself beginning to feel very sad a lot of the time. I don't know what your experience was at the time of your dad's death, and I don't know how you've been dealing with it ever since, but there are certain things I would want any grieving teenager to know, so I am going to share them with you now – and with others who’ll read this message.

First, grief is best dealt with when you are able to show your emotional pain, talk with others and express your feelings about a loved one's death, and accept support from family and friends. I don't know what your relationship is like with your mom, but at your age (as a teen learning to separate from authority figures and find your own identity), it would be very normal for you to feel somewhat alienated from adults. That's why most teens normally turn to their peers for support. At the same time, they don't like to stand out and to feel different from their friends – they want to belong. I can tell you that grieving teens do best when they're helped to find peers who've also experienced a death. They're often very relieved to discover they're not the only ones who've had someone close to them die.

I also want you to know that it is never too late to do the work of grieving. Grief doesn't "go" anywhere – it just sits there, waiting for us to deal with it. If you feel as if you still have work to do in this regard, I would encourage you to find someone you trust (a teacher, school counselor, neighbor, friend, relative, clergy person, etc.) and with whom you feel comfortable talking. Just as you did in the message posted here, talk about this wonderful person who died and what was special about your dad. Tell about your experience with the death itself: where you were when the death occurred, what happened right afterward and what you're experiencing right now. Share any dreams you may have had about your dad. Write a letter to your dad and say whatever you need to say. Gather pictures, words and phrases from magazines and make a collage that tells a story about what you remember about him.

Call your local hospice and ask if there are any support groups or programs in your community aimed at teens who've lost a parent. (See Find A Hospice Program to search a data base that contains all the hospices in your geographic area.) Go on the Internet and find some of the other sites that offer information, comfort and support to teens who are grieving. See especially these and other sites listed on the CHILD/ADOLESCENT GRIEF page on my Grief Healing Web site:

The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Teens

Helping Teenagers Cope with Grief

KIDSAID: 2 Kids, 4 Kids, By Kids

When A Parent Dies

Learn what normal grief looks like and feels like, so you'll know that what you're experiencing is normal and that you're not alone. Think about what you need from others right now and let them know about it. People won't know what you need from them unless you tell them.

You also need to know that grief changes through the years. It will change you as well, influencing who you are in the present and affecting who you'll become in the future. This death of your father must be worked through, adapted to, and integrated into your life, as different situations will require you to accommodate this loss again and again. You will re-visit your dad's death continually as you grapple with its meaning— emotionally, socially, economically and spiritually— and as you struggle to find a place for your dad in your present and future life.

Finally, know that death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship. The special bond you have with your father will stay with you just as long as you keep his memory alive in your mind and in your heart. He will always be your dad and you will always be his daughter. In a very real sense, your dad is very much here with you now, wherever you are, because his spirit and his memory live on in you, and because you are so very much a part of him. In many ways, you are more inseparable now than you were before, because you are not limited by space and time and distance.

I'm so glad you found your way to this special place, my friend, and I hope this information proves useful to you. Please accept our deepest sympathy over the loss of your father, and know that we are thinking of you.

And to any other teens who may one day come across this message, please know that you are most welcome here as well.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[BrotherJohn11398]

hello, i am katie, I am 17. I am new here and I just wanted to say hello. you can talk to me whenever you'd like and id like to listen to anything you'd have to say. feel free to get ahold of me and write back..katie

[bree91]

Hey I'm Brianna I'm 13 and I lost my mom on February 12th 2005 and I just wanted to say that I'm here to talk for anyone if you guys ever want e-mail me

[babybrat07]

My name is also Katie and I am 20 years old but the first time I ever lost someone I was 14 years old. It is a tough age to lose someone especially if you are close to them. The person I lost when I was 14 was my 14 year old cousin Andrew who committed suicide after 4 day into high school. I have lost several others a long the way. Feel free to check out my post under babybrat07 and also you can visit my website. Also feel free to chat with me anytime I am a good listener and I have been where you are now so many times so feel free to talk to me whenever you want. My thoughts are with you.

[emcee]

Hi Im edmarie, Im not a teenager anymore, Im 24, but I just lost my little sister two months ago, she was 19...just somewhat relieve that I have a place to go to where I can vent or hear about other people going through the same thing.

[truckgirl]

I have a weird situation...I am 21 (a little old for this group) but I gave up 7 years of my life, my teen years, to care for my grandmother. I was 14 when I started caregiving for her...so in some ways I feel like I have all of the sudden reverted back to the age of 14...I gave up SO MUCH that a teen gets to have fun doing...I don't regret it but I wish I could have experienced a lot of what a teen gets to go through!

[babybrat07]

Hey truckgirl,

No one is too old for this group. I am 20 myself so we are pretty close in age. I myself had to grow up quite fast too. My dad left when I was 6 and he and my mom divorced when I was 9. He left me and my older brother to take care of ourselves because my mom worked all the time. When she wasn't working she was at home sleeping so we had to learn how to take care of ourselves. I know you are in a different position but in reality we are a lot alike. If you want you can go look at my story my user name is babybrat07. If you ever want to talk I am here to listen.

[sammy1221]

My situation is alot different but im 14. I ost My best friend on August 10th 2004, When i was only 12, going on 13. I miss her so much. She was such a great person and inspiration of life that Our commutnity made a park in memory of her. Its called Circle park, as in the circle of life. It was a really awesome idea. I miss her terribly and its not getting easier