I Feel Like I Am An Open Wound

[M4K4VELL1]

Love you Danny Boy x

I dunno where to start. My brother Danny Boy died yesterday age 23 by only 5 days. I had two brothers and two sisters but Danny-Boy was the younger of the two. He was very slim and drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney but was a great...great kid. He had been with his partner for 8 years has three kids and recntly (2months ago) got married. Over the past year he had dealt with his partners cancer of the brain and stomach and got her through it whilst juggling work and looking after the kids. He recntly dealt with the death of his father in law and never claimed any sort of state bnefit in all his life as opposed to all of the rest of the family. He worked as a scafolder at a nuclear power plant and was very fit.

He recently had chest pains and was administered warfarin which seemed to do the trick after various tests.

Yesterday morning at about 10:45 he was with his wife in a car when he said he didnt feel well, by the time she got from the driving seat to the passagr side he was dead.

Im 28 and very overweight...why didnt it happen to me? I would gladly have traded my life for my brothers. Im supposed to be the smart one of the family with lots of qualifications where the rest of my family have dyslexia and have limited education and I have wasted my life...what a letdown to all.

I hurt so much and feel that its unfair, my baby brother...my baby brother?...why did I survive and he died?

He apparently died of a heart attack?

I have mediumistic beliefs and have been a practising medium for many years, not a charletan but I only say if I know. I respect everyones beliefs but there mine. I have been waiting to see or hear from my brother and I have had nothing. I miss him. Why can I help other people and not help myself?

I hurt so much it wont stop and I feel like I want to hit someone or do something but I am going around in circles slowly dying.

I wish it had been me. I have no-one to talk too, as my grief is so close. If anyone can help me or just wants to chat please email me at: M4K4VELL1@HOTMAIL.COM

Thanks

Martin

[Janine]

I feel for you Martin. I lost my baby sister in November 2006. She was the youngest of ten. She has 3 young children hat and a loving husband. She was 35, 10 years younger than me and 17 years younger than the oldest. All of us cannot believe that "the baby" would go first. She was also the health nut. Dad has a heart condition, my mother high blood pressure and my grandmother is dying of cancer and most of the families have adult children. We all said “why not me?”

It doesn't make sense and it is not fair. It has taken me months of work to get where I am, still sad, still cry when I need to, but in a better place. Each day brings something good back into my life; I just had to acknowledge it. This site, this "haven" has brought me to where I am today and I am so grateful for it. Through everyone’s experiences and advice I feel some life coming back to my soul.

I had dropped everything “extracurricular” in my life, book club, karate, volunteer work etc. I let the pain consume me. After coming here I started taking baby steps back to my life. Karate classes came first, because I needed the physical exercise. Exercise alone made me “feel” stronger and this week I am starting up my volunteer work again. I still have many things to take on and many things to leave behind but I will do those things when I am ready.

Read as many of the posts as you can, you will find bits and pieces of yourself in everyone here and you will not feel so alone. Loss is loss. Whether a parent, grandparents, friends, sister or brother, we all feel it and react to it differently yet a lot of its pain and guilt is the same. Maybe if you get through some of the mixed up emotions and start to separate and identify them, it will calm you and your brother will come to you when you are in a more peaceful state.

Peace is with you; it is injured by the pain and will return when you are ready.

Janine

[M4K4VELL1]

Thanks Janine,

My heart is hurting constantly. I feel like I have let him down because I should have been more aware of what was happening with my brother. He looked to thin and ill. Why didnt I respond and do something - I cant believe I was so blind. Everytime I asked he said that he was ok and was on top of things, it turns out he was in serious debt and working 80hr weeks to stay afloat. No-one knew as we live in Ireland and he lived in the UK. Theres the route of it I should never have moved away in the first place and left my baby brother there. Now I am minus one brother and the better half of me. I spoke to a friend online last night and she suggested an interesting theory. She said that he had completed all he had to do here and it was time to move on - Its a nice notion but I still feel ripped apart.

I found this poem on the web for you - for the loss of your sister. I am truly, truly sorry.

"I'll send you for a little time

A child of mine, He said,

For you to love for the time he lives

And mourn for when he's dead.

It may be forty or fifty years,

Or even two or three

But will you, till I call him back,

Take care of him, for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you,

And should his stay be brief,

You'll have his lovely memories

As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,

Since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there

I want this child to learn.

I've looked this wide world over

In my search for teachers true.

And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes

I have selected you.

Now, will you give him all your love,

Nor think the labor vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call

To take him back again."

I fancied that I heard him say,

'Dear Lord thy will be done.'

For all the joy thy child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness,

We'll love him while we may

And for the happiness we've known,

Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him

Much sooner than we've planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,

And try to understand."

[Janine]

What if? Boy, that one covers a lot. My sister lived two doors down from my parents. The day she died was a beautiful day and she insisted her husband take the kids to the park and enjoy it. What if he hadn't gone? My mother had just baked a cake and her and my other sister was going to take her a piece. They decided to wait until the kids got back from the park. What if they hadn’t? My father wanted to talk to her and tell her how much he loved her. He had a whole conversation worked out and was going to tell her Monday when he took her to the specialist. What if he had that talk with her on a beautiful Sunday afternoon before she died that night? I was planning on having that same conversation with her. I knew she had been sick and had not gotten out of bed for days yet I put off seeing her because my life was so busy with my kids. What if?

What if I let all of the “what ifs” go and accept that she did not die alone, God was with her and there is a reason he took her that I cannot comprehend at this time.

She would be so mad at me if I or any of my family tried to take any blame of her death on myself and did not use this life lesson to grow and see that life is precious and sometimes short. Yes, I still have too many bad days, but I keep a journal and write to her every night. It helps to tell her how I feel and I always tell her something good that happened that day. I also spend more time with my family because what if I never saw them again?

Death can teach us to live better. It takes time but every step has its rewards.

Peace is within you.

Janine

[Janine]

P.S.

Thank you for the poem. I cry every time I read it.

Janine

[M4K4VELL1]

Hi Janine,

This is the third morning since he went away and I am trying to just live. I keep feeling like I am short of breath and having mild panic attacks, afraid I am going to die. I am going to the Doctors for a check up today to make sure I am ok apart from being overweight.

I know that we could debate all the 'what ifs' forever they just plague me thats all, probably the same as everyone else who looses someone. I wish that I could just feel like I could get on but I am wandering around aimless and just cant focus.

I went to play world of warcraft online last night and got upset and went out instead as I felt guilty having fun as it seemed wrong as he will never have fun again. Same goes for eating and anything else. Did you constantly feel sick like you wanted to throw up?

Janine thankyou for talking to me on here I hope I am not being any trouble its just you are helping me so much and it is appreciated.

Thank you

Martin

[Janine]

Martin

Three days is a deep open wound. Feeling like you are going to throw up is normal, I did the day of the funeral. Three weeks later I was lying on my hardwood floor in a pool of tears. Four months now and guilt still sticks its ugly little head up, I just am able to reason with it better. I have really bad nights, like last night. One of my 26 nieces (big family) is moving to Florida and I went to her “sending off” party. It was wonderful to see everyone and I had a great time. Then I came home and crumbled. I was loosing another family member, what if she never came back. Reason kicked in around 2:00 am and told me that she wasn’t lost, she was a brave young girl who sees what she wants and she is going after it. God, I wish I was as brave as her when I was 20.

You should see the doctor and tell him everything. I started taking Xanax to sleep and calm the panic attacks a month after Teresa died. I was suffering from sleep depravation and it was affecting every part of my life. I also felt guilt when I was enjoying myself. I still take them every now and then when I can’t sleep.

Martin, my heart breaks for you because I remember the fresh pain of death and I know that everything you are feeling is real. You loved your brother too much to wander around aimlessly; it is part of who you are to grieve so deeply. Keep coming back; I will be here to listen to you. You are not alone and you can get through this. It’s going to hurt forever but someday you will not hurt so intensely and you will start to move forward.

Peace is within you.

[AnnieO]

Martin,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am so glad you found this site.

I lost my mom 2 months ago, yesterday. And I still feel like throwing up, most of the time. I too have battled my weight, but have recently started walking. I am now taking vitamins and drinking lots and lots of water. I feel better doing these things. I know my mom would want me to take better care of myself. Your brother would want you to take care of yourself too.

The "what ifs" and "if onlys" are so hard to let go of. I stuggle with those daily. You mentioned earlier, not hearing anything from your brother. I think 2 things..the first one, is when our loved one dies they go to a place that they can heal, like a coccoon, then when they are safe and healed they are able to move on. The other thing , I think that when our pain is so raw we are not able to recognize the signs. I haven't felt my mom around me, but I know in time I will. I am sure you will feel your brothers love around you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Trudy1964]

Martin,

I am so sorry for your loss. Headaches, insomnia, exhaustion, and confusion are all a part of the grief journey we are experiencing. Often I walk into a room only to wonder why I'm there. Many people will tell you that time will heal. I don't think it does. Time only allows you to figure out how to make your way and adjust.

My Mom died only 3 1/2 weeks after she was diagnosed with lung cancer. My BIG question was did we miss something. When I posed this question to the Dr., he asked what would my thoughts have been if I had known earlier. My reply was, "Everytime I would have looked at my Mom, I would have known she was dying a little every minute." My Mom lived a full life until she was diagnosed. Shopping, gambling, having fun. Now that I have made my way through some of the pain. I'm glad she didn't know before. Cancer is evil and I will miss her forever. Sure, I would take her back but only if I could have her back healthy and whole. God had a plan for her. I have to trust him.

My Mom has been gone 7 months on the 16 of Feb. It took me a long time to be able to get to this way of thinking. The pain is so deep and raw right now for you. Take one day at a time. Sometimes that's too much. It's one minute at a time. Don't expect too much of your self.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[M4K4VELL1]

Ladies,

Thank you so much for your words. I am so hurt at the moment I am not sure what to do. I feel everythings lost its taste, colours have lost thier beauty and everyone is just carrying on when my concience has gone and died.

I had 2 ECG tests yesterday as I keep having panic attacks where the room feels like its closing in on me, I become short of breath and start panicing. It doesnt help I keep getting a pain in my chest which you can imagine leads me to panic all the more.

The ECG's were both normal and two doctors have said my hearts fine apart from needing to loose weight and having high blood pressure due to stress Im fine. I have a little bit of a chest infection and I have torn muscles in my chest, maybe a trapped nerve as well from lifting the front of a car on Monday.

The funeral is next friday at Ashford Crematorium and I dunno how to face it. I know he isnt in his body but I still have the fear he will be in pain when he is cremated. Irrational I know but he is my baby brother and I always swore to protect him. Crap job I did there.

Thanks Ladies again, I truly appreciate it.

Martin

[Janine]

Martin

I feel so much of your pain. I remember everything becoming so grey. You are still in shock and your mind blocks out the strangest things when the pain becomes unbearable. The colors will come back.

Teresa was cremated as well. I don't know how they do things over there, but we were all allowed bring something non metallic to be cremated with her. I wrote her a letter and wrapped it around her favorite herbs from my garden. Afterwards I got a small amount of her ashes. I plan to bury the ashes with a tree I am going to plant in her memory this spring.

It will be hard to go Friday, but you will have family there and I will be thinking of you and sending you strength. The body only houses the soul, he will not be in his body but I believe his spirit will be there to give you strength as well.

Marty has a web site that has some helpful information. I just started her course The "First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey". I wish I had started it months ago. It is really helping me by having a path to follow and being proactive in healing myself.

Her web site is GriefHealing and her e-mail course is The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey.

As I said before, keep coming back here, I will listen.

And what were you doing lifting a car?

Don't they have jacks in Ireland?

Peace is within you.

Janine