Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

The Pain Is Unbearable

Recommended Posts

My wife and soulmate Brandy, the love of my life for seven years died on April 14, 2004. She had a short battle with an aggressive form cancer that was diagnosed on March 1, 2004. Over seven years of being together, there was only one night when we were separated. Brandy worked at home and I was retired, so we were together 24/7. Brandy was in the hospise program for about 2 weeks before she passed away. I know that it has only been a few days since Brandy has passed away and the pain is so strong and sickining. A piece of me is missing and I keep waiting for her to walk around the corner. She's not next to me in bed anymore. Can't have the small talk of day to day living. I can't imagine how to cope with this pain of not being with her anymore. I also feel some guilt during the last days, I was angry with her for giving up hope, not realizing how aggressive the cancer was. Seems like our last days together was focused on keeping her alive and not sharing the last days if her life. Of course at the time I had no idea Brandy would pass away that fast

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry, I know they seem like words you have heard over and over and the pain and anquish is so unbearable and this is something no words will ever take that away. Perhaps time will.

My husband died unexpectedly last November and still the pain is totally unbearable and totally overwhelms me.

Even though I was not involved with hospice with my husband's death, I have observed these helping hands people through their work with a friend of ours and also my mother-in-law that just passed last August, right before my husband's death.

I went to hospice counciling that is open to everyone here in my area and they said that first year is going to be hard. It will be the year of first without your mate. This is going to be very very hard!!

Please hold on, take it moment by moment, that is all we can do. Let the tears flow, the anger flow, let each emotion come through and fully wash over you. Don't deny your grief and please accept whatever help you are offered or can get.

I encourage you, if you can to get counciling from hospice in your area, they helped me to recognize that even though I don't think so and I am so very afraid sometimes, that grief is normal, a honoring of the people we have lost, and in time it will still hurt but might be easier for us to carry and still carry on.

Thank you for writing this, I know I am not alone in my feelings of this being unbearable, even after these few months. I wish I could say more or do more for you, but the only thing I can really do is what you did for me... let you know you are not alone..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. And it's so recent.

I feel your pain. I lost the love of my life on 1/14/04. from complications to diabetes. She went into the hospital in November on the 21st. Came home to live her last hours on 1/13/04. Passed away on 1/14/04 at 12:30 PM.

I know the guilt thing. I blamed my self for the first 9 weeks. Me not reconizing that she was not well and making her go to the hospital sooner. if I did then maybe perhaps she would still be here with me.

But for me I had to really take a close look at how my wife would spend each of her days. I believe this was God's way of showing me it was not my fault.

She had instage kidney failure. She would go to dialysis 3 time a week for a 3 hour session. She would come and be wiped out. for the rest of the day. And that was ok by me. She also lost her right leg below the knee in 2001.

We were married in August of 2000.

The she had suffered the pain she endured during this time was hard for me but her out look life was unbeliveable. She never gave up. Which was encouraging fo rme and others around her.

When I first saw her that morning in the ER. I knew her time was almost done. But she got better then would get worse again . She lost her left leg in Dec. this time it was up almost too her hip. but poor circulation took it's coarse and the infection spread through her body quickly. I am very thankfull for Hospice, They were great and still are. I call my breavement worker on a weekly basis.

It's been over 3 month now. I know in my heart my wife is in a better place. No more dialysis. No more getting legs amputated. No more hospital visits because of penpmnioa os diabetic comas.

Life is not any better but it's very different. The normal life I had before with my wife is no longer there. But life must go on. I will have to create a new normal now. it hurts like hell. I miss Rhonda so much.

She was only 46.

I wish you the best. Post often here. Talk to as many people who will listen about your story. The more you talk about it the better you will start to feel.

Take care of your self. Be gentle eat and rest when you can.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the replys, they mean very much to me, knowing that others are going through the same experience. All of the people around me now have no idea what the pain of this type of loss feels like, can't fault them for that of course. They try and console me but nothing seems to help. Went out to dinner tonight with family, couldn't help thinking of Brandy most of the time, wishing she was sitting next to me.

I've had a several unexplainable things happening around the house that could be thought of as "signs" from Brandy, but I'm not sure if it's just my wishful thinking. Has anyone else had this type of thing happen? Others have said they've felt her presence, but so far I haven't felt anything.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


You are not alone, keep connecting with those who care about you. Even when it feels like they couldn't understand what you are going thru, you can be sure that their concern for you is sincere.

As far as the "unexplained things" happening around you? Who knows, this is a wonderful and complex universe maybe it is your Brandy. Have you tried writing her a letter? keep us informed on how you are doing.


A Celebrated Life

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

My wife passed away on Feb 1, 2004 at 6 am from a heart attack. We did not know about any heart disease. For the eight weeks, I was really suffering. I am going to a grief supprt group and a psychiatrist. I am taking lexapro. The intense anxiety has gone away. But, right now, I am pretty dull & listless. I have not lived alone for a long time, and I miss my wife very much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I stay up much later -- mostly talking to myself -- and I sleep much later. I made a list of the things that I need to do [ not a daily list], but I haven't made much progress doing them. I guess that I will feel pretty dull or "blah" for quite a while. I do not need to work, so I retired May 1.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I'm so sorry for your loss and the horrible pain you're feeling. I'm new to this board and reluctant to post because my Richard died in June, 2002. Yes, I should be "over it" by now as so many have said, but I'm not. I hope my presence here doesn't depress too many of you.

The 24/7 makes it especially hard, doesn't it? Richard was retired and I'm a freelance artist working at home so, like you, we shared every moment. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I haven't experienced that part yet. This may seem strange to some who haven't been there, but I'm finding that our relationship, though transformed, continues. I've done all the things you're supposed to do--I've looked for a job, volunteered, found a church, joined groups, taken classes--but the reality of life doesn't change.

The one thing that seems to help me, and I'd really recommend it to you, is to write letters. Tell Brandy all the things you never had the time to say when you believed time was endless. I've been doing this for 18 months and it's allowed me to release feelings that I think would have destroyed me otherwise. I'm starting my 6th journal this week. All I can say is that you're not alone, even though it feels that way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Penny,

How unfortunate and how sad that certain others have chastised you for not being “over it” by now. As you so beautifully said, “the reality of life doesn’t change” simply because nearly two years have passed since your husband died. I’m reminded of a poignant piece by Anna Quindlen that appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site:

Grief remains one of the few things that has the power to silence us.

It is a whisper in the world and a clamor within.

More than sex, more than faith, even more than its usher death,

grief is unspoken, publicly ignored

except for those few moments at the funeral that are over too quickly,

or the conversations among the cognoscenti,

those of us who recognize in one another

a kindred chasm deep in the center of who we are.

Maybe we do not speak of it because death will mark all of us, sooner or later.

Or maybe it is unspoken because grief is only the first part of it.

After a time it becomes something less sharp but larger, too,

a more enduring thing called loss.

Perhaps that is why this is the least explored passage:

because it has no end.

The world loves closure,

loves a thing that can, as they say, be gotten through.

This is why it comes as a great surprise to find that loss is forever,

that two decades after the event there are those occasions

when something in you cries out at the continual presence of an absence.

I also want to acknowledge and support your efforts to continue your relationship with your husband, in your case by writing letters to him. So often we torture ourselves with the mistaken belief that we must sever the bonds we have with our loved ones who have died. As Thomas Attig says, “The heart of grief, its most difficult challenge, is not ‘letting go’ of those who have died, but instead making the transition from loving in presence to loving in separation” ( in The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love, Oxford University Press, NY, ISBN 0195156250).

There is a great deal of wisdom and truth in your words, and I want to thank you for having the courage to post a message on this board, despite your initial reluctance to do so. As a more seasoned traveler on this path, you have a great deal to offer others who’ve just begun this journey of grief, and I hope you’ll come back from time to time to share what you have learned. You will always be most welcome here.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

One never "gets over it". You, eventually, reconcile yourself to the loss. Day by day, you begin to rebuild your life, and regain some control over it.

It is very important to find help. To find a knowledgable [ sic] to listen and help you find your own answers. If you need medication, take it. People in grief need to talk, it helps the healing process.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

I lost my wife and best friend Karin to liver disease on June 5th. Like Dave's situation, she was hospitalized May 6th, got better, got worse, got better, got worse. Came home 5/21, went into hospice June 2nd because of bleeding, and left me 12:30AM June 5th. Same day as Reagan. I am a broken man. She was 46. My whole future is in pieces, now.

They say I'll feel like this for months. I can't endure months of this. I miss my wife.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 5 months later...

I lost my wife on 11/23/04 from Kindey cancer. Chirs was diagnosed on 9/17. By then the cancer was in stage 4. We thought we may have a year or two togheher, but all we had was 67 days. She just wasted away in front of me. After the third trip to the hospital, she told me that she would not go back. So for the last 9 days Chirs was at home and we had a visiting nurse for a week and then hospic for only two days. The day Chris died I prayed for two things. That Chris would not have to suffer anymore and that I would be with her when she went home. Both of my prayers were answered. I was holding her hand, she looked at me one last time, took a breath and was gone, gone home to be with her Mom, brothers and friends.

I miss her so much. We were married 35 years and 1 day. As sick as she was, she was not going to die on our anniversary. All of our children are grown and do not live close to me. The weekends are the worst. At least during the week I have work to keep me busy.

We have a number of friends here that offer to do anythiing, but there is nothing anyone can do that is not on this journey. Finding web sites such as this one is a big help. Here we can share our thoughts and pain and you all understand what we are going through.

Chris 9/12/50 - 11/23/04

Forever and a day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...