More Thoughts From Martha Hickman

[WaltC]

Someone wrote that maybe I should stop re-reading Healing After Loss by Martha Hickman because I questioned the wisdom of some of her daily writings. But I continue to find some comfort in most of her selections so I ignored that advice.

Today's selection reminds me that: " The memory of my loved one is a part of my life forever."

I find that statement to be true and comforting, while others may find it to be scary and preventing them from "moving on" and finding a new "relationship" to help fill the loss in their life. We are all different, with different needs and ways of coping with our loss.

Martha tells us:

"We need not worry that we will lose the memory of those we love. What we need to remember, we will."

I personally find that thought to be a positive affirmation of my undying love for my Jeannie. (While I acknowledge that there are others who believe that I should move on - that she would want me to.) While I can accept that others need a new relationship and that is "right" for them, I am sorry - I just can't do that.

[Maylissa]

Walt,

I find that statement a comforting thought, too. I only hope Martha's right about the second part, as I'm afraid I'll forget too many of the little things that I loved or that delighted me, especially with my memory failing me all too often.

I also don't see anything 'wrong' with preferring never to 're-mate' again. Some people are just one-person folks....like geese who only mate/bond once. Each to his own, I say. Maybe the best thing for you is just to have a friend (either gender, or even an animal friend), or just an acquaintance, just so you're not having to be by yourself when/if you'd like some company. You know your own heart, so stick to what YOU prefer, not what anyone thinks is best.

[LarrysGirl]

WaltC, I, too, find that comforting. I read an article the other day in Oprah's O magazine. It was written by Lynn Sherr, the ABC News Correspondent. She was writing about her grief experience when she lost her husband to cancer. There was one paragraph that touched me. She wrote "It was a stunning revelation. Grief was not something I'd recover from but an ongoing process, one that lasts - thank goodness - forever. I could breathe again."

My grief is so tied into my love for Larry that you can't separate the two. This grief feels like my connection to him and I know for me, it will last forever. That makes me feel relieved and yes, it helps me to breathe also. Its only been 15 months on the 16th for me and I am trying to make my way one day at a time without him. Deborah

[WaltC]

Today, February 23rd, Martha Hickman writes in Healing After Loss:

“What is the gliimer of hope that insists on being present to us in our darkness? Is it the lingering spirit of our loved one saying, I’m all right, don’t worry?

Is it our own intuition that there is more to life –and death- than we can possibly understand, that death is not a stopping place but a gate to pass through?”

Stop and pause to visualize your loved ones and then remember they would want you to continue on with your life and honour their memory.

[LarrysGirl]

WaltC, I have to say this has been the hardest concept in my 15 months of grieving for Larry to understand. I don't know if its just a problem with acceptance still on my part, but I can't come to terms with going on much less Larry wanting me to go on. We were each others best friends, soulmates and so in love. He would know that it would feel impossible for me to consider moving forward without him. People are starting to say to me, you need to make new friends, get out and meet people but my mind still says no, not without Larry. I feel guilty for even being alive much less find a life for myself without him. Can anyone offer advice on this particular comment, please.... Deborah

[lorikelly]

walt

i have that book and also read it everyday. i reread somedays over and over b/c they help. the one on my moms birthday really hit home for me. keep reading if it helps you. Lori

[kayc]

"the glimmer of hope that insists on being present to us in our darkness" The glimmer of hope is knowing that this is not all that there is, that there exists and afterlife in which we will be rejoined and things will be much better than we can even fathom here.

There is discussion here about "moving on" or not...I don't see how we "move on", but we do have to adjust to our altered way of life. For myself, I have not left George in the past, he is ever present with me. I talk to him in my mind, I consider his responses, what would he say, how would he feel, what would he do? I draw from his support. I know that I have to continue to live here for the time being, but without him?---never! We joined our hearts long ago and I don't see for the life of me how death can stop that. Even with remarrying, that hasn't changed. I don't know if anyone can understand that or not, but I am beyond caring what others understand or don't, this is just a downright difficult passage and whatever it takes me to survive it, so be it.

I wish you all a better day with hope and peace in it.

[Claudia]

Larrysgirl,

I totally understand the feelings that you are experiencing. On the 8th of this month it will be one whole year since my Dennis died. My heart aches just exactly the same way it did the instant he left me. Also I have experienced the 'feelings' of others being forced on me...."you should get out more", "make new friends", "life goes on you know", or on the other hand if I have had any opportunity to experience 'feelings' - I get the statements like 'you are disgracing Dennis's name" or 'how could you even think of experiencing that so soon since Dennis died".....people DO NOT have ANY idea what we are feeling let alone what they will not allow themselves to 'feel'.

The only advice I have to give, is this....Let yourself feel sorrow and pain for as long as it is necessary for you. Feel loneliness, distanct, yearning for their look, their touch. I do know that whatever it is you have to go thru to reach another day, do it. Even now, I simply cannot allow myself to think of even being as close to another person ever again in my life, as Dennis and I were. But we do not know what God has planned for our lives. So allow yourself the freedom to feel, whatever it is that has to be felt. That will help you to realize that God may have something for your life even greater than anything you could ever imagine.

Just be good to yourself. Don't be too hard on you!!! Take care and blessings to you always. Claudia

Edited March 2, 2007 by Claudia

[Maylissa]

I feel guilty for even being alive much less find a life for myself without him.

Deborah,

I know this is called "survivor's guilt" and while I myself don't really feel guilty for still being alive, I DO still feel terribly guilty most times for even imagining feeling 'okay', or (even 'worse'!) possibly even HAPPY in my life, some unknown day in the future.

My therapist tried to make a point with me the other day that might provide something of use for this concept, though. She asked me, on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the ultimate love, where would I rate my love for my girl? Then she said that even at a "10", where no one else was as totally important to one's life, that "10" would still be there, still be an unalterable reality and truth, even IF one ended up feeling joy with life again. In other words, the LOVE could never be altered (unless one actively chose to alter it), or argued with, no matter what else one's life looked like. And that one's love for someone need never be 'proved' to either oneself, or others, by the act of feeling intense sorrow....because the love is a fact, no matter what. So far, my head 'gets' this idea, though my heart still can't accept it fully yet. But the idea's worth some pondering, I feel. I don't know if this might ever help you, or others, but I thought I'd throw it out there, just in case. I hope it can help me someday, when I'm more ready to really digest it.

Claudia,

YOUCH!....you sure have had some awful, unsolicited comments thrown your way! These people OUGHT to feel very ashamed....but I'm sure they don't even have the decency to stop and think about how hurtful and unhelpful their 'advise' is. I feel very badly for you, having to hear such garbage.

[LarrysGirl]

Thanks Claudia and Maylissa for sharing your thoughts. I know its true what you are saying, just having trouble digesting it. Just for an example, I am an artist and I sell my work. It was a dream and Larry supported and cheered me on when I lacked confidence. I'm meeting with a high-end boutique tomorrow and I have been dragging my feet about this, delaying appts. with the owner, etc. Today I realized my heart is not in this. Yes, it is in my painting. I love what I do, but I fear that if I find success, that in some way I will be leaving Larry behind. Its a form of beginning again and my heart is heavy. I did make the call and they are coming tomorrow to look at my work. I hope by taking a step, my heart and head will come around. I've prayed that Larry will help me, I know he is with me. I can't get around the feeling that I want him here to enjoy this with me. Its not the same. Deborah

[WaltC]

Another reading from Martha Hickman’s Healing After Loss from the March 21st Meditation:

“Ah woe is me! Winter is come and gone,

But grief returns with the revolving year."

- PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY

"Sometimes we forget. And then wonder, why we are feeling so low, until we look at the calendar and remember. The conscious mind may forget, but the unconscious has a longer memory."

"Over time it will get easier. But it's well to be mindfull of anniversaries and realize that on some level we will remember and probably be sad. No need to mourn all day. Your loved one wouldn't want that. You won't forget. Next year will come around."

With our second anniversary of being apart approaches I can verify that statement is true You don’t forget!!

Edited March 21, 2007 by WaltC

[kayc]

No, Walt, you never forget. No matter how hard you try, no matter what your attitude, no matter what you do...you never forget.

I'm sorry you are still in so much pain, my friend. So am I.

[LarrysGirl]

Its ironic how someone can post a message and it be exactly what you need to hear. I had just been saying to someone today how guilty I feel about not yet following thru with an investigation into Larry's death. I made the remark that I was afraid I was going to forget the details but I haven't been able to follow thru yet because of the grief. WaltC, you comments reminded me, No I will never forget him, his love, his life and what he means to me. I will never forget the last few days of his life. I know when the time is right I will be able to pursue this further but until then, he will not be forgotten. Deborah

[Bebekat]

Walt,

We are just about the same time line. My second anniversary is just a little over a month away. I know he's never coming back, yet there is some little part of me that would just love to believe that Tom's death was all a bad dream. And then I come to my senses. It is so hard. How could I ever forget?

Keep your memories and love alive.

[missingcharlie]

Wouldn't that be nice if it WAS just all a bad dream!

I will never forget....our time together was the BEST part of my life.

I miss Charlie so much!! I love him with all my heart (or what shattered part is left.)

Hugs to all!!

Patti

(Kathy, we missed you at lunch! )

[WaltC]

Healing after Loss – April 10th

“We know full well that our loved one has died… in that death a part of us has died too..”

The part of us that lived in our relationship to that person alive in the world has died.

The part of us that lived in expectation of a future on earth together has died.

The part of us that enjoyed the commonality of shared memories has died.”

Many of you have been able, or will be able to survive this loss and move forward with your life, but a few, like myself have not been able to do so.

Thanks to all here who have offered support and comfort over the past two years. This week is a tough one for me – her birthday is tomorrow (April 11th), her death day is Friday the 13th and her funeral was April 16th.

[JennO]

Walt...my softest hugs to you this week as you embark on a barage of memories.

Jenn

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Walt ~ I hope you can feel our arms around you this week, as we hold you in our hearts.

Please be sure to read the article I've posted today in The Latest News forum, How Long Will It Last?

[LarrysGirl]

You are not alone Walt, we are with you in many thoughts and prayers. Deborah

[WaltC]

Oh my dear Walt ~ I hope you can feel our arms around you this week, as we hold you in our hearts.

Please be sure to read the article I've posted today in The Latest News forum, How Long Will It Last?

Thank You MartyT - I will look for that book. Kindest regards...

[kayc]

Walt,

My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you today and every day this upcoming week. Your April is like my June...My dad's bdy and folk's anv. was 6/10 (he's been gone 26 years but you never forget), George's bdy. was 6/14, and he died 6/19, which also happened to be on Father's Day that year. So many memories converge on us at once and we are reminded...not like we ever forget, but it hits with an intensity on the anv. of those dates. I pray God will be close to you until you can be with your little Jeannie again.

[AnnieO]

Walt,

You are in my thoughts and prayers this week.

[spunkye]

Healing after Loss – April 10th

“We know full well that our loved one has died… in that death a part of us has died too..”

The part of us that lived in our relationship to that person alive in the world has died.

The part of us that lived in expectation of a future on earth together has died.

The part of us that enjoyed the commonality of shared memories has died.”

Many of you have been able, or will be able to survive this loss and move forward with your life, but a few, like myself have not been able to do so.

Thanks to all here who have offered support and comfort over the past two years. This week is a tough one for me – her birthday is tomorrow (April 11th), her death day is Friday the 13th and her funeral was April 16th.

Dear Walt,

I'm so sorry for your incredible pain...please know that you are in my prayers and in my thoughts - and my cyber-space arms are hugging you now and all this week.!

Benita

[ustwo]

For a week I've had a post-it on my pc......WaltC & Jeannie.....April 13, 2005. Both of you have been in my thoughts. My heart aches along with yours. May the days go by peacefully for you WaltC. We've been priviledged to get to know the wonder of Jeannie through you, through the love you share. I will never look at butterflies without thinking about you both.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Trudy1964]

Walt,

I will keep you in my prayers as the next week will bring you painfull memories. I hope since it was your precious Jeannie's birthday, you will also be able to focus on some fond memories that you spent together. I know that is not always easy. Grief seems to get in the way alot.

My Mom's b-day is May 7, May 13th-Mother's Day, June 2-Mom's first complaint, June 21-diagnosed with lung cancer, July 16-she passed. As you can see, the next few months are going to be quite painful for me also. I wish I could just take a long nap and not wake up until the end of August. (My b-day is in Aug. Mom always called me 1st thing in the morning.)

Together Walt, one day at a time, we'll all get through this. I'm trying to break it down. Thinking of all those dates together is just to overwelming. I'm just going to take one day at a time (or at least try). I'm sure many tears will be shed. Many, many tears will flow. That's all I can do. That, pray, post & read here, and depend on my family & friends. One day at a time.....

Missing my Mom,

Trudy