2 Weeks Until 1 Year

[kellymarie]

You all here feel like my family on my grief journey. Sometimes we travel together, sometimes we travel alone, but we can always come back when we need a friendly voice.

I just feel like I need to not be alone right now on my journey. Today is 2 weeks until March 5th, the day Josh died one year ago. This month has been tough but it's getting harder. Many of the pains of early grief are coming back. I'm having trouble sleeping again, crying at the grocery store at his favorite foods, crying on the way to and home from work, indecisivness, and just overwhelming sadness. I've been called for jury duty on Feb 28th, and I'm scared I'll get selected and have to be in court on March 5th. Right now, the courts just remind me that the hearings have started for the kid who killed Josh. I just can't be there on the 5th. I know I need to come up with a plan for the 5th but I'm almost paralyzed with fear that I can't decide what I want to do. I'm planning to call "in sick" to work, a true mental health day. I just am filled with sadness and fear without the motivation to pick myself up and move ahead.

This journey has brought a new realm of spirituality and religion in my life. I've started praying for Josh (I have never prayed before in my life!). For months and months I have been very worried about where Josh's soul has gone. One night when I was praying about it, this overwhelming feeling came over me and my entire body. It's hard to describe but I had the overwhelming sense that God is taking care of Josh; that they are together. It was a message from both of them.

Well, I guess the point of my story is that I can't go at it on my own right now. I just wanted to share with you all, and I guess it's time for me to ask God to help me through, too.

Thank you all for being here for each other! You are all wonderful souls.

With much love, Kelly

[lorikelly]

Kelly

Maybe that day won't be as bad as you think. i believe the time before it (the week or so ) can be the worse. i have not come to the anniversary date yet but this is what i have read and heard. i hope you are not in court maybe you should take the day off to be alone.

I am glad that you feel God is with you and Josh. i can only say that with out my faith i would not be here.

I will be praying for you. God Bless Lori

[kayc]

Kelly,

I don't think there is anything particularly different about the one year mark except that we know we have survived one year of "firsts without". It's not like we don't think about them every day or as if they aren't always on our minds. I STILL get hit, all the time, but I try to take it in stride and accept it as part of my life now. The grieving doesn't stop. But I do think you should do what you can to protect yourself. If you don't think you can handle being in court for the reasons stated, then write a letter trying to get excused and tell the court what you have told us. Maybe they will let you off this year. Be in tune with your own heart and do whatever you can to make things as easy as you can on yourself. You have been through a lot, and it is understandable that you should feel fragile at this particular time. You may find you do okay on March 5, but take a proactive stance about it all the same. This was the first weekend I had a really good time, and yet even so, I thought about George a lot. He was such a big part of me, we were so entwined, it is only to be expected that should continue. I constantly wonder what his reaction, his response would be, or I remember how supportive he was. I too think about how much he would like this food or that. I imagine that will continue to go on.

I will be thinking of and praying for you...

[Trudy1964]

Kelly,

I don't want to be where you are right now but I know it's coming. I know we all have to experience "the firsts" of everything. Your never alone. We are always here for you. The good thing about this site is we a only talk back when you talk to us.

Maybe your Dr. could help you out with an excuse to get you out of jury duty. Anxiety and emotional stress and explain why. I don't think I could keep my mind on a case right now either. Good luck.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[gabrielle_land]

Hello Kelly,

I'm sorry you have to see you are having so difficult times now that the year mark is close, and with obvious reasons, I still can't imagine how it will be when that date is near, it scares me just to think of it. I hope that you aren't called to court on March 5th, I'm wth you in your pain, and I understand how difficult it will be for you.

I have rediscovered my spiritual and I think too that wouldn't have done it ths far without it. I understand what you say about wondering where Josh's soul is, or if he's ok. I ask myself daily the same questions about Christophe, and that's the main reason of all my prayers. I just want to share something with you and the rest,something I was told by a friend once I he saw me crying because I was worried for Christophe's soul. All we want to know is that where ever our loved ones are, they are fine and filled with peace, he said to me "You love him and you want just the best for him where ever he is, but remember that though your love for him is inmense, God's love for him is even more." I try to remember that everytime I worry, I want to share this with you so you think about it and remember too that Josh is now in the best hands he could ever be.

Take care kelly and I keep you in my thoughts and prayers,

Gaby

[kayc]

We can trust them to God's care, you're right, He loves them even more than we do, He created them!

[kellymarie]

Thank you everyone. It is comforting to think of Josh in a place more loving than I can imagine.

[LoriS.]

Kellymarie,

Why don't you ask for a postponment for the jury duty? They should give it to you if you haven't served already this year. Last year, I asked for a postponment because of a previously planned vacation, and they gave it to me really easily. This way, you won't wonder if your going to be called on or not. And maybe the doctors note is a good way to go, too. Good Luck and thanks so much for what you wrote to me on my topic I put up today!

Hugs to you...Lori

[kellymarie]

So I was really proud of myself... I started getting myself out of the paralyzed rut, and started making some plans for "the day." So I was sharing my plans over dinner with two girlfriends tonight. One girl has been through it all with me and was being very supportive, even adding ideas and asking how she could be involved. The other girl was living away for a year, part of the time before and after Josh's death. She started asking me lots of questions about the whole grief process which I thought was nice because most people are scared to talk about it. But after awhile, I realized she was asking all these questions because she was trying to figure out why this was "still a big deal" for me. It just hurt; I mean, really, I'm not supposed to find the one year anniversary of his death hard?? I know it's just that she has no idea what it's like on "this side." It just stings when you think you're making forward progress...

[missing rick]

Hi Kellymarie

You are making progress - look back over the past year and see how far you've come, all the things that you have accomplished on your own - especially making it through this "first" year. I'm glad that you were making plans for "the" day. I'm not looking forward to mine and it's still 4 months away- I'm still trying to figure out how to go on alone after having Rick in my life for 40 of my 55 years. Last night was the last of our grief support group meetings and we all wrote a message on our own balloon and went outside and let them fly up. They looked beautiful floating upwards, in a light snow, beside the steeple of the church where our meetings were held, I hope Rick got his!!! Don't let your friend get you down, I'm sure that she really didn't mean to hurt you, as you said she hasn't been there and really doesn't understand. I have friends my age who don't get it either- only one of my friends has lost her husband, and that was 8 yrs ago (at 49). I'm ashamed to say that I really didn't get exactly how she was feeling either at the time her husband died. I also think that with my friends being in their 50's and some 60's it brought home to them that this could also happen to any of them at any time and just how short life can be. Keep your chin up and be proud of your progress..we will all be there with you in our thoughts on March 5th

Jane

[kayc]

Kellymarie,

You ARE making progress. Just because someone else doesn't understand what all you've been through and are going through doesn't mean you haven't made progress. It's almost impossible for someone to understand unless they've been through it, and we wouldn't wish that on anyone. I'm glad you're making plans for that day. Wishing you a good day!

[missingcharlie]

KellyMarie - As KayC said, look how far you have come!! We all know it is a long journey and you have done wonderful so far - you just keep putting that one foot in front of the other and never mind what people say. I'm on 27 months and I get the feeling that some people figure I should be "over" this by now, but as we've said before....we'll NEVER be over it, just used to it.

The second year has been easier than the first - guess I've adjusted. I still cry and talk to Charlie all the time - tell him how much I miss him and how much I love him.

We are here for you and will definately be here on "the day"!!! All you can do is try to make it the best day possible. Josh would want you to.... Be easy on yourself.

Take care and hugs to you.

Patti

[kellymarie]

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. It makes such a difference "talk" to you all who get "it" (sadly...) versus those who just don't. But as much as I know I've made so much progress, I'm still walking on a fine line between being "okay" and not okay, and it's really easy to push me over.

[kayc]

Kellymarie,

You ARE okay, it just FEELS like you're walking a line between okay and not okay. A lot of the time I don't feel normal anymore. I guess, because my lifer isn't.