Extended Grief.

[laura 44]

hi, my name is laura c. I joined the group almost 2 wks. ago so new . as I wasn't sure how to exactly post what my situation is, waited till today. rather than keep figuring out what to write, decided to do it today. out of the forums , I see this is the one I seem to fall under the most. here goes-I am 44. I had a really rough childhood.I was raised as an only child, and still feel like an only child. my parents are both deceased. my mother had breast cancer when I was around 4 yrs. old, there are very few memories I have of her, she was a good person, I have been told by people that knew her. my memories are mainly of her being sick and the tears of her in pain. while there are some good memories of her, they are few. my dad was the opposite, of my mom. my mom died when I was 9 and a half- 2 days before I turned 10. we didn't get to say goodbye. I did go to her funeral, but never really got over her death. and, I feel like I never have at 44 . after my moms passing, my dad and I never really developed a relationship. he was a hard person in life. there was no other mother to call mom as I grew up. in my teen yrs., I spent time in foster homes, and a childrens home. it always seemed there was little family in my life, and alot of my life I survived thru myself, getting thru what was dealt me. never questioning it, just dealing w. it. at 19, I learned thru albany, NY, I was an adoptee. this totally changed my life from even what it was. it hit hard.my dad would not really help me thru it, so, over the yrs, pretty much alone did my searching into answers on my life and learning the truth. Thru this, I did marry, and am still married, w. 3 teen sons. In 2006, I was able to petition NY state, and get my real- parents names. but not my original birth cert. my ammended birth cert. listed only my dads name, there is no mothers name on it. this added to my grief as well, having to prove the mom I knew was my real mom. my real dad was my dad on my ammended birth cert. all the time, and my real mom , that had died was my real mom, all the time as well. my dad died w. him and I not speaking for almost a yr. due to my adoption. we did not get to say goodbye either. since 2006, I have started my geneology search into my mom/ dad and my heritage.also, trying to find a half sister I knew of 20 yrs. ago. this yr. as I now know who I am, trying to find my sister, if she will be willing to be in my life. she is 67, and was angry at me and my mom, and I don't know why still 20 something yrs. later, but still need to try, as we are sisters. I know this is long, and complex. but, all of this over the yrs. has all added up. it is w. me every day. I am trying to find closure thru it all, and finally trying to find happiness somehow thru it. but it is so hard. yes, I am a survivor, but grieving it seems all my life. I am grateful for my family, and treasure what I have, but there is that other part of me that grieves and feels alone every day, it seems. I am always looking for positives to get me thru. can someone please read this ,and help me thru this. thank you for listening, always open for ideas, and new friends. also, looking for a sister epal, if anyone knows of such a thing. god bless- laura c.

[AnnieO]

Laura,

I am so glad you found this site. You will find wonderful, helpful, caring people here. This site has helped me so much. I lost my mom Dec 06 and just finished reading a great book..Motherless Daughters-The legacy of Loss. It's by Hope Edelman. Keep coming back. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[LoriS.]

Hi Laura,

I am so very sorry about your situation. It seems like you have all these puzzle pieces that you're trying to piece together after all these years, but you also seem to have a positive attitude and are dealing with it the best you can. Keep on posting, we're all good listeners...there are a lot of great people on these boards to help!

Take care...Lori

[MartyT]

Dear Laura,

It's so important to understand and appreciate the profound impact of the early loss of a parent, and you've endured that and so much more. I think you might find this post helpful, and I hope you will follow some of the links suggested there:

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...3702entry3702

See also:

Grieving the Death of a Parent

[lorikelly]

Laura

My mom died this july and i found this group soon after. thank God i did the people are wonderful and have helped me so much. i also go to a therapist and see my priest once a week for spirtual counseling. my dad died 5 yrs ago and my siblings and i don't speak. (very complicated). i have learned that this is a roller coaster ride and sometimes you just have to hold on real tight. i take one day at a time and also try to look for the postive somedays are easier then others. i have a wonderful husband and two boys 8 and 12. they help alot but noone really understands . we are here for you keep coming back. oh yeah i also do a motherless daughters group online. maybe that would help you also. lori

[TeresaBennett]

Wow you are a strong person I didnt have to become strong til 2 weeks ago when I lost my father to Lung cancer Ive had a pretty I guess stable life my parents were together til I was 16 then after 18 years my dad left but he always did the money to mom and dad stuff I miss him alot I couldnt imagine not ever knowing who my parents are wow Your life is a mystery so now you just need to say this is my life starting now dont waste your future looking for the past ,the past if it comes up it will it will find you stop looking just live and I wish you luck Teresa Bennett

[SmallBlessings]

Hello everyone! I am new and I'm not sure if I am doing this right.

But I lost my dad March 12th. My sister was on her way to the funeral, she died March 14th. I don't know where to start healing. I find myself pushing everyone away from me. I am tired of hearing others say, you must get on with your life. It's too soon. This is really tough, writing down how I feel, but I know it will help in the long run.

Thanks

SmallBlessings

aka Patti

Edited March 26, 2008 by SmallBlessings

[DesertBob]

Get on with your life after a double loss just 2 weeks ago?? What planet is your family from, anyway? You probably aren't even out of the "numb" phase yet, much less "moving on". Yeesh.

My condolences on your losses. Feel free to talk about it, vent, whatever ... we're here to listen. You're right, this will help in the long run.

--Bob

[SmallBlessings]

Thank you so much for confirming that it is too early for 'up and at em'

And you are right I am numb.

SmallBlessings

[shell]

Laura,

I agree with Teresa, you are a very strong person and trying to find the good through all of this shows what you are made of. I wish you the best of luck in finding out about your past. I think, no matter what happens, you will be ok, because you have determination, strength and the right attitude. You should be very proud of yourself. Keep us updated on how your search is coming along. Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

[Tequesta]

My name is Brian. I am now 53yo, but was not entirely sure my experience would fit into this groups goals. When I read Laura's post I felt a sense of recognition and hope.

I was 9 years and 4 months when my dad died in 1964. I was not allowed to go to his wake or the funeral. I was never asked about that, my mom simply decided to do it that way. Following the funeral, my mom's brother (my uncle) and her spent some time talking about all that happened, but they never took any time to sit down with me and ask me what I was feeling about it all. I don't know where my brother (he's 12 years older than me) was, he simply disappeared.

In the weeks and months, then finally years that followed the feelings were burried as deeply as I could push them down, because I flet that no one would want to talk about them and listen to me. I've lived my entire life with dysthymia (low-grade depression).

In 1989 I went into counseling for the 3rd time for one of the problems that grew out of this whole mess. In the course of talking with my counselor the issue of my dad's death popped up to the surface and I realized that I had never grieved for him.

Like Laura with her mom, I had only a few memories of my dad. I occasionally went to visit his grave, but that never really did much for me. The very first thing I did to actively grieve his passing was to enroll him in perpetual masses with an order of priests. That was at year 30 since his death (1994).

In 1996 my mom died and that further complicated the entire emotional package connected to my dad's death and my own struggle to understand what has been happening to me.

Nothing much more happened until two years ago, when I began to feel angry all of the time and my temper grew more and more out of control at work. I decided to take advantage of the EAP (Employee Assistance Program). I have been slowly going back over a lot of territory and am now fairly clear about what has happened and what I feel most sad and angry about.

I still feel the sadness of having lost my dad and now I also feel the loss of my mom in my life.

Yet I also recognize that I feel angry with my mom for not allowing me the choice of going to my dad's funeral so I could say good-bye too.

I have also identified anger with God and the Church for various reasons; most important of which was a failure to delve deeper into why I was not able to verbalize much of what has been going on with me these past 42 years.

Perhaps I am irrational in my thinking about all of this, but the biggest thing that got communicated to me by my family, my church and God was that I didn't matter. I was not important enough to take the time to work with to help me through these things to finally bring my greiving to a healthy fulfillment. I have come to understabd that if someone doesn't care about my feelings, they really don't care about me.

I have some idea at this point of what I need to do now, but I am highly tempted to see my life as wasted because I could never thaw out my feelings of loss on my own.

One of the things I did to help me begin accepting my dad's death in my life was to write the following poem:

My Father's Gone

My father's gone ... he died. He's dead!

Yet, no one helped me calm the dread

I felt with every passing day

at home, in school and even play.

No wake or grave did I attend;

no closure meant: "There was no end."

So as a shroud of sadness fell

my life became a living hell

of constant pain; a rising flood

that chilled and froze my very blood.

My body grew, but still a boy

in temperament, no childhood joy

could lift my eyes above the clouds.

In time, I learned to act for crowds

that garnered accolades of praise

yet, told me nothing of the ways

of how I should become a man;

my mother's son - my father's clan.

Teachers... priests... nobody knew

the real reason I was blue

and so depressed. I could not speak

about a world I saw as bleak.

I dared not dream that I could thrive

within a soul still-born alive.

A counselor I had paid to hear

me talk about my greater fear

stumbled on the unseen pain

I carried every year in vain,

until right then. What utter shock

that after 30 years o'clock

the big hand came around at last.

With tools I learned, I now could cast

my story in a different light.

Nobody understands the blight

of silence stealing time to mourn,

when souls we love, from us are torn.

The truth unearthed, prepared me for

what shook me at my very core

the year my mother finally died.

At 39, this rushing tide

around me surged. I kept my head

and made my grief my daily bread.

Twelve years have passed since '96

when I stared down the River Styx.

It's not too late to seek to share

by writing what is good and rare

about a twisting, rough hewn path

through unshed tears and silenced wrath!

January 10, 2009

[Boo Mayhew]

Brian, that is a very moving poem. You are a gifted writer. You might like to put the poem in the Poem Area of this board because I am sure that others would love to read it too, and they might miss it because it's in this thread?

[MartyT]

Brian, dear ~ If you've read Laura's post in this thread, I hope you've also read the message I wrote to her, and followed the links I suggested as well. It is never too late to do the work of mourning, and I hope you will continue to work with your EAP counselor (or with another counselor or therapist who specializes in grief, loss and transition, as Boo suggested) as you continue to work your way through each of these losses. Both your parents have died, but you have not, my friend. Your life still stretches out before you, and I hope you will find the support you need to live it to the fullest. You are worth it, you deserve it, and we're all pulling for you.

See also Dad Dying at a Young Age, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3755