Felv, Death, And Cancer

[Frannie&Petey]

My beloved Petey died on January 20, 2004. He would have been three on April 23, 2004. I still want to dig up his grave and resuscitate him. On Friday we put balloons on each of their graves (Rehab, Charlie, and Pewter who all died In 2002). These four little beautiful critters we rescued from a vet that wanted to put the mom and all five kittens down (mind you one kitten, Frisbee, remains to test negative for FelV). We did a ton of research on FelV, talked to vets at Cornell, and people at Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. We knew the probable out come, but I was hoping it was all a lie! The three-year mark would have been the breaker for Petey. Meaning his chances of living to a ripe old age would have increased drastically. I feel as though I failed him. I wish I had picked up on signs (even though there really weren’t any) earlier. I wish I had done things differently on that horrid Monday before Petey died. Petey had already battled through respitory infections and I really beloved he could have beat the odds of only having 6-9 months with Chemotherapy…if only I had done things differently. If only the oncologist had called me back. I am so angry that he is gone and even angrier that I will never know if he could have beaten the cancer if given the chance. I miss my boy so much, I want him back, and I want to be with him. For weeks after he died I couldn’t function. The only reason I got out of bed was to fill the food bowls for our other 21 children (20 cats and 1 dog).

On November 19, 2003 our Peekers died. It was that damn cancer again. I will never forget that horrid day. Steve (my husband) had woken me up since he was leaving for work. The first thing I did was check on Peekers. I lost it! I went running after Steve yelling, “Peekers is dead, Peekers is dead”. He came back and sure enough our Peekers was gone. I immediately called the vet to come over and resuscitate him. I was desperate and devastated.

I really really hate cancer. We have lost 7 kids in the last four years to cancer. I hate that disease and would give anything to be able to do more for our kids that get it.

Another thing that has been really difficult is people’s really stupid comments. “Peekers was 12 he had a good life”, “you have 20 other cats to love”, “Petey was lucky to have you as a parent”, “they (the FelV kids) had a great life with you guys and just think what would have happened to them if you guys hadn’t taken them”. Isn’t that what we are suppose to do. I was “put down” at the age of three because I was diagnosed with diabetes.

There is not one day that goes by without tears. I miss my kids so much and sometimes I just don’t want to go for the pain is so intense, but I know I must.

From all I have been reading on grieving, I am normal. BARF I really hate being normal for a change.

Frannie

[LittleGirl'sMommy]

Frannie, I'm so sorry for your losses!!! My heart really goes out to you. There is nothing like the grief after we lose a beloved furkid. I think the majority of people can't imagine what it's like. When I lost my Little Girl on 3/24/04, I spent hours and hours on 3 different pet-loss support groups I'm with (including this one; they're all online groups), watched movies, and stayed away from people who wouldn't understand.

One thing that has helped me is knowing that she and Mariah (I lost her to pancreatitis on 7/13/98) are in perfect bliss now---no physical or emotional pain, no sense of time like we whose souls are still living in our bodies experience. We'll all be reunited when it's time.

But in the meantime... it is heart-wrenching, I know. How are the other kids handling everything? ....Hold each other close and get through... one day at a time.

Write as much and as often as you need to. You're in my prayers!

-Little Girl's Mommy, Kathy

[Frannie&Petey]

Kathy,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am in awe of your grief work. As all the books and material state we all grieve at our own pace. I am just very impatient and want the pain to stop. Don't we all. I feel at times I will never recover. I have been working with a breavement counselor, which has been helpful. I am right on track with my grief so I guess it's good I am not stuffing it, which is good. My faith is in question now too. After Petey died my faith went flying out the door and I ddn't think it would ever come back. Slowly it is. At times I am relieved that Petey is with his two brothers and sisters. And then of course I feel guilty for saying that. Petey was depressed for months after his brother Charlie died. Steve and I were so scared that the depression would activate his FelV.

I want to thank you TONS for asking about everyone else. Some people just don't believe that animals can experience depression and sadness. As you have done I don't bother with people like that in my life anymore. It's not worth it. Boo who is Peekers blood brother (died on 11-19-03) was devesestated. His personalityhas changed so much. We gave him and still do lots of love. He's not withdrawn as much as he was after Peekers died. Frisbee the 5th of the FelV litter (who thank God is still testing negetive) is becoming much more social and a lap cat. It's as if she knew her brothers and sister were sick and didn't have much time with all of us, so she allowed them to get her share of attention.

With all the other kids, there were a lot of changes in the house. Sadness, confusion, and now who's boss. Peekers was the big cheese, then Petey, and they are both gone. The others still seem so lost without them, but are working it out. Maybe they're going to have a vote for the next big cheese. :-)

I don't work so I am fortunate to be able to spend a lot of time with my kids. Roy gets is away time at the park and the feline kids get their love time at home. Steve and I don't go out much at all. We love being home with our kids and meeting all their orders. :-) We are a sorry couple too when it comes to vacations. We don't want to go for we miss the kids so much. Last year when we went to Best Friends Animal Sanctuary, the first night we came within a hair of coming back home to be with our kids. The love and bond with those fir kids is so magical and precious.

I am so sorry for your loss. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I think it's great that you are taking care of you and helping others with your kind generous words.

Thank you for the prayers too,

Frannie

[tedsan]

Oh my God. I feel so bad for you! Reading about how you hate what people say really struck a chord with me. I am thirteen, and I recently lost my 19 year old cat ( along with my 3 year old guinea pig, who died less than two weeks after) it was three weeks ago, and every time i think of either of them, i start to cry. When Sandy died, all my friends were either well, she had a good life, or she was old, or get on with your life. even my mom said we did the best thing by putting her to sleep. I agree, but that DOES NOT LESSEN THE HURT. I miss my two sweetie pies with all my heart. my advice is find someone to talk to. my grandmother fully understood. she cried with me, and encouraged me to let my feelings out (something not generaly encouraged in mi familia). it made me feel really good. please write back.

Becka