Missing Everyone...

[kayc]

I've been missing everyone...I check every day but no one has posted for a week. I've been wondering how you are all doing.

I am settling in to the realization, that remarried or not, this inner pain never goes away. I try to build a new life, but there's something inside of me that hurts and it never changes. I guess I just have to accept it as my new altered life. Moments of happiness residing with the ongoing emptiness and pain. It's the weirdest thing.

Please let me know how you are doing, I wonder about all of you and pray for you every day.

[AnnieO]

Hello,

I have been checking too and its been pretty quiet here. I haven't posted much, since all I have is sad news.

I put our old Golden Ret to sleep yesterday and last night my dad was rushed from the nursing home to the hospital. Another high fever and infection. I am shocked that the day my mom died, I had to put a dog to sleep and the day I put my other dog to sleep, my dad gets worse. My husband went to sit with my dad last night. I just couldn't do it my husband told me to stay home and rest. I haven't been able to make myself go this morning either. It's so hard to have just watched my mom go thru this for 2 yrs and now I have to go thru it again. It's all the same things, fevers,infections, confusion, dementia...etc. I thought I had control over my anger at my dad, but the last few days have been really tough. I am SO angry. And I know this is horrible to say, but I just want it to be over. My dad has no quality of life what so ever and it will only get worse.Iam just so tired.

Everyone is in my thoughts and hope you are having a good day.

[ustwo]

Yes, KayC, the inner pain never goes away. It's been 21 months and I'm again fighting depression and anxiety. I don't feel I can talk to family about this as I know they all think I sound good and should be beyond by now. It's just easier to withdraw from everyone for a whiie. It gets harder to put on the "mask" everyday. I'd like to be encouraging for everyone but now I know it's going to take a lot more time before I can find it in myself to live again. And I can't figure out how for 21 months I've just existed without Gene...without my husband....without my best friend...without my one true love...without the most generous, kind-hearted, thoughtful, courageous, giving, amazing, loving human being I have ever known. There are no words to explain how much I miss him. It's almost Spring...a time for life to renew and yet I still struggle to try and move forward. Maybe when the flowers start to bloom I will find a little joy in their beauty.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Dusky]

KayC,

It has been a long time since I have posted myself – but still think of my many friends on this site and read the postings. I have also found that regardless of how we all attempt to move forward with our lives there remains a dull and aching pain for what was lost. From everything I have read it will be with us until our own death. We learn somehow to incorporate the sadness into our lives. It has not been easy; however, I still find peace in my writing.

Speaking of writing, I wrote a book. It is not yet published – but I am determined to eventually have it in print. I am currently going through the editing process – and that will be followed by finding the right place to get it published. I thought this might be a good place to give everyone an advance synopsis of the book. Following is what will probably appear on back of the book cover or any marketing flyers that may be used help sell the book. The Book is title “Finding Jack” – with the sub title “My Soft Place To Land”

______________________________________________

“Finding Jack” “My Sot Place To Land”

Finding Jack takes you on a journey of two men in a 27-year committed relationship. It is a saga of not only the 10-month illness of Jack, but also the period following his death and the turmoil and grief the author endured. A brain tumor and blindness are elements of the illness, which will leave you saddened at the effect it had on Jack but marvel at his ability to cope with these disabilities and find humor and peace in spite of these affections. It is a two and a half year period of shock, despair, loss, loneliness and searching as well as remembrance, revelation, progression and hope. In addition to the story, poetry is the element that ties together each of the five chapters, and allows the reader to visit all the emotions of losing a mate. It guides the reader through an intimate look at the personal emotions and family issues associated with this type of loss. It allows the reader to see hope in spite of the tragedy of illness and death. Progression and hope are eventually found as the story concludes. It is more than a narrative on death, dying, and poetry. It is a love story, which concludes with John eventually Finding Jack.

________________________________________________

As you can see, I have been busy. Writing this book has been a remarkably cathartic experience. It has helped me heal – and has allowed me to pull together all the various pieces of this voyage that were found in so many of my writings. I now have in my hand a tangible item that I hope will not only tell the story of the last two and a half years but also help others at the same time. I anticipate having it in print by the end of the year or early 2008. The publishing world is quite an adventure. However, with a little determination I look forward to eventually creating this lasting and tangible legacy in memory of Jack.

I have not meant to be such a stranger to this site. You are all very dear to me – and always will be.

With love,

John

Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[missingcharlie]

It has been quiet here. I've checked everyday and no one has been writing.

Annie - I am so sorry to hear about your beloved dog. Having to put a family member "down" is horrible....I remember it well. To this day, I don't have any animals...I just can't. I am truly sorry to hear about your dad, too. I hope things will turn around for the better!!

UsTwo - I am sorry to hear that the depression has come back. It's amazing how we get through these months, isn't it? Coming up, for me, will be 28 months without the man I loved more than anything. I still miss him so much, but it really has become the "norm" to not have him around. I think about him everyday, especially when I get home from work, but I don't EXPECT him to be there, like before. It's weird... I hope the spring helps bring you some new and fresh beginnings.

John - WOW!!! A book! You mean that we will be able to say that we "know" the author of this book?!?! I've never known anyone famous before.....

I think that's wonderful - we all have always told you that you have a definate "nack" for writing and this really proves it. Jack is very proud, you know that, right? Be sure to keep us posted on how the publishing is going! Congratulations.

I hope everyone has the best weekend possible. Love and hugs to all of you!!

Patti

[LarrysGirl]

I haven't written either for fear that the things I have to say will be a sad reminder to all of you. It feels like "old friends" day and that is a good feeling as I have shared more of my feelings with all of you than anyone else and I miss that. Now all we need is WaltC to join in!

I'm coming close to 16 months. I don't know how to live without him, some days better than others but missing him so much. I put off changing the calender because I want time to stop, but it doesn't help.

John, I have always loved the way you wrote and I know your book with be outstanding. To all of you, don't stay away so long, I miss you. Deborah

[lorikelly]

Hi everyone. i read everyday but don't always post. somedays i don't think i have the energy. i still am taking one day at a time. some days are much better then others. i am not looking forward to april 6th that will be my moms birthday. i still can't believe it has been 8 mos. we are planning a short trip to Wash, DC. the boys should love it and i will be there for her birthday. it will be a hard day and it is also Good Friday. we will attend mass at the Basillica so that should be comforting. i am planning on having Easter dinner at home. i think of all of you often and pray for all of us. always know that you are never far from my thoughts.

John , i can;'t wait to read that book.

God Bless Lori

[AnnC]

I heard from the widows' group I attend that it's a roller coaster -- up and down. YOu are up for awhile and think you're getting better -- then you have a down period. They say over time, the up times get longer, and the down times get shorter and less often -- but never totally go away.

I've been in a down time lately. Not surprising, I guess, since it's just three months since my dad passed away. But his passing brought back all my grief over my ex-husband (not that the grief was very far away!) That's now going on 2 years and 9 months, so 33 months. But I cry just as hard. I guess I can concentrate on other things better now, and take some joy in life. But I still have this hole inside me that will never really be filled.

He always said he wanted to die before me because he wouldn't be able to survive the grief if I died first. He always got his way...

Ann

[WaltC]

Hi Good Friends,

Next Tuesday, March 13th will be 23 months since my Jeannie died and most of my will to live “died” at that time also. Last summer I had a quad by-pass heart operation and thought that maybe, just maybe, I could be with my sweet Jeannie again soon. But that was not to be – not yet !

In Palliative care, before Jeannie died she told me to take good care of myself…BUT… I just cannot get on with living in the present instead of the past, and I won’t until my poor heart beats its last. I know that I cannot be helpful to others - so while I do read these forums every day I don’t post very often. I was told in the past words to the effect “If you can’t say something good or positive then just be quiet.” So I have been quiet.

I hope that all of you fine people do much better than I have and keep posting your thoughts here – positive or negative.

Damn - I miss my friend

Edited March 10, 2007 by WaltC

[YELLOWBALLOON]

HELLO

IM NEW TO THIS PLACE SO IM STILL KINDA GETTING USED TO IT, STILL FEEL A BIT TOO NEW TO BE POSTING ANYTHING POSITIVE OR IMPOSE ON PEOPLE. IM NOT BEING RUDE OR IGNORANT JUST SORTA SITTING IN THE SHADOWS ....... I GUESS IM A LITTLE BIT LIKE

WALTC (UP THERE^^) AND STILL TRYING TO DEAL WITH MY OWN STUFF TO BE OF ANY HELP TO ANYONE BUT WILL TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO THANK EVERYONE WHO HAS SUPPORTED ME AND TO ALL THE POSTS IVE READ THAT HAVE BEEN HELPFULL TO ME IN HELPING ME REALISE IM NOT ALONE ,

SO MANY MANY THANKS TO YOU ALL

AND PEACE AND LOVE TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU

**LINDA**(AKA YELLOWBALLOON)

[LarrysGirl]

Gosh, WaltC, you share my sentiments exactly... I miss my friend ... it makes me cry. My BEST friend, if I could just touch his face and see his smile once more... if only I could hear his voice... I still think grief has got to be the cruelest twist of life, to have found love and then have it ripped away. I don't think I'll ever come to terms with this.

I miss my friend.

Deborah

[lorikelly]

Walt

I think you should post whether good or bad. it will help for you to get it out. don't be afaid that you will offend anyone. please continue writing and reading. all my best lori

[chrissy777]

Kay C,

Thanks for posting this topic it has been kinda quiet here. I agree with Walt I miss my friend, companion, other half etc. I could never even begin to imagine feeling the way I have felt since Jason died. You feel just so empty inside. For a while I was thinking that if I found someone else I would be better but I have come to realize no one will be what I want. I want my Jason back. It scares me to think that the one who loved me with all of his heart no matter what, thought of me first no matter what will never come home. Kay C I agree that the inner pain will never go away. I know I could go and find someone and love again, but it will never be the same. In my mind my Jason was just about the best you could get and I dont think I can settle for something else. I dont know. Well I hope all is well with everyone and I think of you all often. Take care and God bless you all.

[Janine]

I haven't been around much myself. My Grandmother is fading and I have been trying to get to see her as much as possible. Children, work and other daily events have me running non stop.

Walt, this is the one place you can speak the bad and everyone will understand. It can turn to poison if you keep it inside.

Dusky...COOL. I am a librarian and I hope to see your book on my shelves.

Annie, I know what you mean about wanting it to be over. Grandma had asked God for a few more years, he gave her ten. Now she is suffering in pain and wasting away. I want god would take her in her sleep tonight and release her from the pain.

Janine

[LoriS.]

Janine, I know what you mean about praying that she fall asleep to release her from her pain. I went through that with my mom. My thoughts are with you and your family. How is your mom doing with all of this? I will keep her in my thoughts as well.

Hugs to you...Lori

P.S. Hi to everyone else also...hope the springtime is finding you with a sense of renewal.

[kayc]

John,

We are all very interested in reading your book when it comes out. You have a definite ability to write and we're glad you saw fit to share this story with the rest of us. We've all missed you but are glad you are channeling your time and energy of what you have gone through into this project.

We all love you!

Annie,

I'm sorry you lost your Golden Retriever...it is very hard to lose a pet, and all the more so when you are missing someone else so important in your life. We wish you the best in the outcome of your father's journey.

[kayc]

Walt,

I agree with Lori, that you should say how you feel, whether up or down. We miss you and your thoughts are relevant.

[kayc]

Chrissy,

You're right, it isn't the same. I feel sorry for John, I've put him through so much...I'm still grieving over George, I thought I was doing better than I actually was...It's been nearly two years and yet...well, it just never stops. I wish it would, it's hard to live this. I'm depressed and cranky. I know I need to keep trying but I'm so tired. I hope things go better for you.