Convergence.

[DoubleJo]

I had a once in a lifetime tri-fecta. Not a good one tho. March 9 I turned 57. My first husband died at 57 10 days before his 58th birthday. My second husband died last year at 6 weeks before his 57th birthday. He told me he just knew he was going to die like John before he was 58. He did.

Well, its' not the issue that I feel closer to my death because of the age , its' something else. This year all three of us converged together. The gathering point was the age of 57. Not physically, or visibly. Just the thought that Curt is really truly dead never having made it to 57. (His birthday is March 29- this will really get to me this month). John was not looking forward to getting so close to 60. Well, he sure didn't. Now I'm older than Curt, and I'm only 57. That's not old. So the tragedy of his death is really large and so odd that I'm now past him.

John died Dec. 2001, but our anniversary is March 21. I've come to terms with that pretty much. But gee-2 men have made my heart broken with grief and I only have one heart to deal with it. I felt so overwelmed this weekend.

I am glad I was able to cry so heavily and long. It cleanses your soul.

But still the whole freakiness of the situation boggles the mind. Next month will be the 1st ann. of my mothers' death. I hope that this reality of aloneness doesn't sweep me off my feet too much.(my dad died 1 1/2 years ago) I have no kids, so like alot of you I'm alone too. Thanks for listening. I have a friend who tells me he's there for me if I need to talk, to call him night or day. (also a widowerer) But he has hopes for us to be more than friends and I don't think he really wants to hear about the past men . He wants to be in my life NOW. That's a good thing, but of cause I'v got alot to deal with right now. I was able to get comfort with my second husband, he was so sweet and gentle and had no hangups. He was actually confident and secure. He was always him- no mood changes. He gave me some peace. Now he's gone. I was lucky to have had him- he was ill when we met. I was there to help him die, he was there to help me live. That was another convergence- a crossing of the paths that had to be set up by Someone/Thing. So- I'm off to snuggle with my dogs, speak to my step-cockatiels and cry again. I still have more grief for Curt that I haven't finished with. I know I'm not empty yet. Best to you all- Doublejo.

[kellymarie]

DoubleJo- That is quite a series of dates and birthdays and ages; seems like too much to deal with all at once! I'm sending you my hugs!!

I'm having a hard time right now due to dates and birthdays but it's not as complex. Josh died at age 27 on March 5th, 2006. I turned 27 on March 13th, 2006. So I just passed the 1 year anniversary of both his death and his funeral, March 11. What is really hard for me right now (and having just survived the one year anniversaries of his death and funeral!!) is that I am now 28... for the past hour! But I am so sad that I am now older than Josh... very very sad.... I'll try to enjoy my birthday but it's just so darn bittersweet.... Not only is he not here but I'm older than him now

[DoubleJo]

Kellymarie: Isn't it an odd feeling? Like some people you know are floating around somewhere but you just keep missing seeing them. We are in a time warp of some sort with extra dimensions. Things that someone else would be happy at that we experience are just reminders that something is not quite right. It is all bittersweet. Please take this lesson from my experiences: Many people can be loved at the same time, all in their own unique way for the special people they are. You can love your precious Josh all your life but that shouldn't stop you from also loving another wonderful man for who he will be too. Take what good you can get and are given. You don't have to discard one person to make room to love another, but you will need to rid your heart of some of the pain so it can recognize and feel the new love that will be before you. I have been oblivious to the fact of my birthday other than in this odd context with my men. Should I be happy its' my birthday? Not this year. You shouldn't expect yourself to be happy right now, but you are still special too. Its' okay to feel hurt- its' what lets us know we're human.

28 will be the end of something and a new beginning for you at the same time.

Thank you for your quick reply- it helps. Happy birthday- doublejo

[kayc]

Doublejo,

You have been through so much, I really feel for you. So many milestones at once! You probably know more about survival than all of us, so I won’t even try any advice or tips…I just want to say I am sorry and I hope things get better for you. I understand what you’re talking about, my husband had just turned 51 when he died and now my current husband is 50…he has a chronic cough, he says it’s a genetic lung disease (his mom has it too) and it makes me worry. All I can do is ride out life’s storms, try to focus on what good there is and survive the rest. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you weather all of this…

[kayc]

kelliemarie,

And we are glad you ARE older...the alternative wouldn't be good! Happy Birthday...try to enjoy what you can. You are special to us!

[DoubleJo]

Kayc: Thanks for your words of encouragement. They are certainly needed right now. My new friend also has genetic health problems. Amazing isn't it? We all need a respite from this health junk and we still have to hear it, see it or deal with it all the time. Is a big joke being played on us that we find another but they also have "attachments"? Oh well- looks like we are caught in a numbers game with the ages and a health game in life. The frustration turns to anger which turns to tears. You are right- focus on what is good. When I checked my roses and I'd feel sad some died, Curt said to me "look at the good roses, don't look at the bad".

I am so sorry your special one left so soon. 51 is such a sad number to hear. Doublejo

[kellymarie]

DoubleJo and Kay,

Thank you both for your kind words on this semi-sad day; I really appreciate it. It comforting to have people around who understand. I told my friends why I was sad today, and I know they are sad/confused for me but they don't get "it." Which, honestly, I am glad that they don't get it. You never wish this on your worst enemies nevermind your friends!!

I can say I am glad this year is over. 27 was a very difficult year in my life!!! One full year of grief! I have come very far, learned a tremendous amount and I am grateful for all that I have learned. So I'm ready for a new year...

Kelly