Dealing With Anger Again!

[LarrysGirl]

Hi, I hate to come to this site and unload but I'm hoping that my "friends" here who are going thru this grief together will understand.

I don't really know whats triggered this, I'm at 16 months without Larry. But I'm struggling again (like in the beginning when he first died) with the fact that I DON'T WANT THIS LIFE, I WANT MY OLD ONE BACK!! I'm literally having a battle with myself each morning because I just don't want to struggle thru another day. I'm trying so hard to adjust, I do the things that need to get done, but my HEART is not in this. Its just not in anything I do. I'm so lost without him. I don't want to create a new life and feel like I'm leaving him behind. Just rearranging furniture makes me feel guilty, like it all needs to stay the same, as when he was here. My mind feels scrambled. I was hoping to be uplifting by this time and maybe help others but its not happening. Does anyone else feel this way??? Could you share what works for you to get thru this??? Deborah

[JennO]

Deborah...

I am in the same boat this week. Seventeen months last week and I am angry at not only my life as I don't want it to be, but the people in it. It is a dangerous place for our hearts..this grief...but I am finding it is an unpredictable path and trying not to make drastic changes while feeling this way.

For me, with a toddler, life is lonely. I work an odd schedule, so I am usually not off work every weekend like most other people. I have been doing some special projects at work and have had a few weekends off in the last two months. This weekend, everyone had plans and I had none. I was sad, mad, and then resigned to sitting by myself at night..maybe it is what I needed to do. And..it was..I cried a lot..something I hadn't been doing regularly lately. I also had some great fun with my little guy.

BUT....what I had decided to do a few months ago is broaden my social circle. I was reaching out to two new friends that didn't know me before, as Jeff's wife. And...both of them have not been the greatest, cancelling plans, not calling me back for a week, etc.... And I am angry today. Angry that I am choosing to stay in this house that I can't afford to finish healing before I feel like I can move on. The truth is, move on for me would be to find someone to love here and stay in this little house I love or move back to my family, 900 miles away. And I am angry that i feel like I spend a few weeks/months like I can move thorugh life, then fall off this cliff and not be able to control my anger, frustration, and deep deep sadness.

I think, as you, sometimes moving furniture is too much. And then, finishing some projects we started together is of utmost importance. Today, I feel like I am failing grief and failing as a person. Tomorrow, I may feel differently.

I don't know if this is helpful, but I am comforted that you shared your emotion and know that I share your sentiments...Jenn

[LarrysGirl]

Hi Jenn, thanks for sharing, I was feeling like I shouldn't have written but it is how I'm feeling. I think of you often, and your precious son. This grief is hard and lonely. I've also tried to reach out and feel let down by people. I even say to myself, well Larry would be here for me, he would help me and then I get mad at how my life has taken this turn and very frustrated. I know that the decision about your home must be hard. I wouldn't want to leave there either. I would want to tell you that everything will work out, but when people say that to me now I DON'T BELIEVE THAT ANYMORE!! I do hope for you the BEST and thanks again for replying. Deborah

[JennO]

Deborah, I thank you for sharing your feelings..never feel sorry about sharing. With this grief thing..you are bound to find someone to commiserate with or find some solace from....at least we can commiserate!

It has been so quiet on the site and I too have felt the emptiness of live moving on. I stopped getting emails from another site I visited and I think by avoiding this site and the other...I was hoping I would begin to get better. But this grief thing just railroads you and I have never had something take such a total hold of every part of me. It does not make sense, I feel some days like it will never get better, and I never trust my own judgement anymore.

Calgon...take me away.

[ustwo]

Larrysgirl, your words echo my everyday. I'm nearly at 22 months and little has changed but the days on the calendar. I've changed nothing in my house...not a bedspread, curtain, nothing...everything remains where it was. I'm not comfortable with anyone in this house except family and they all live far away. A lady from my church just dropped by a couple months ago and I can't explain the panic I felt just letting someone inside. I've not been able to sell Gene's pickup...his retirement pickup I bought that he barely had time to drive. I can still see the look in his eyes when I pulled that surprise on him. Yesterday as I looked out at his raised tomatoe bed I did finally find the "want" to get the weeds out of it. I guess it was a big step. I took out the book to figure out how to fill, start, and use the tiller. Something else new Gene only used once. And for the first time I was proud of myself....it cranked the second time and I did a pretty good job. I realized yesterday that if I want to do something I have to do it myself for myself. So it was a little event for me. Paint brushes still sit in my kitchen....I was going to paint over a year ago.

Deborah, I realize it's going to take a long time to come to terms with being "without". I start out each day with tears and just go on. And each night as I pray that Gene can still feel my love I thank God that it's another day I got through....another day gone. So I take each day one at a time and on my own terms. If tomorrow I don't feel like painting then it can wait another year or two. I can only do one day at a time. And I have to trust that something will make sense as time goes on.

I wish for peace of mind and spirit for all of us in pain. You are not alone in your feelings Deborah. I want to relive my life again with Gene. I want it all over again.

Always Gene!

Always!

[LarrysGirl]

Your words this morning brought tears to my eyes, I thought I was alone in feeling this way. I also tried to accomplish some yard work and just picking up the weed edger brings pictures to my mind of Larry and how we would enjoy making the yard look so pretty and perfect. Yes, I did it by myself and had a sense of accomplishment but its not the same, my heart is not in it. Another season has come and I'm not ready. I rarely change the calenders in the house because I just don't care about the date anymore. I know I need to take it one day at a time but that frustrates me. I hate seeing everything in a mess and not the way it used to be. I guess I just have to do what I can and forget about the rest but its hard. I wish you peace also, thats all I want, even if just for a few minutes, peace. I haven't felt that in 16 months and I'm tired. Thanks for writing, it helps me. Deborah

[kayc]

It is interesting that you posted this, it echoes how I feel completely. I may have really messed up my life now in an effort to rebuild and get through this. What I have found, after 21 1/2 months, is that I miss my old life too and I don't know how to do this one. I feel overwhelmed, lonely, scared, hurting, isolated...I feel like no one cares. No one returns my calls, I feel I don't have any friends anymore and I hate my life. I've tried rebuilding, I remarried, that didn't turn out as planned...we live 3 1/2 hours away from each other and I don't feel married. I miss everything I had with George...his love and understanding, his spirit and personality, our way of interacting, the faith we had in each other, everything. I love my new husband but I am starting over from scratch with a million strikes against us it feels like...starting with the distance and differing personalities, etc. Everything I touch seems to be messed up, my relationships, job, home, everything. I can't seem to do anything right. My yard has a million branches down from storms, waiting for me to pick them up...I have two trees down that are precariously perched against other trees, needing me to do something (?) about them. My house always needs cleaned, I have too much stuff accumulated, some of which I don't know what it is, who bought it, what it's worth, etc. and can't even move it. I have no time and no energy. I feel like I am on my own and I'm not liking it. My new job is broke and doesn't feel very secure or stable, but they were the only ones to hire me so I stay on and try to help them as much as I can, but have no real feeling of security with it. The rising gas prices are wreaking havoc on my finances as I do a long commute and I don't know where it'll all end but I feel like I'm being strangled. I want to end everything, the suffering and pain, the struggle, the being overwhelmed, the lonliness...but don't seem to know how to proceed. Suicide is alluring but I can't do that either...my beliefs and what relationships I do have prohibit that, but oh how I wish I could wake up dead and find it all over. I'm sorry I'm not any help except maybe you'll think you aren't in such bad shape after reading this. It consoles me to know that I am not totally alone, that there are others who have the same feelings, yet at the same time I feel guilty for finding solace in that because I wouldn't wish it on any of you.

Hang in there, it has to get better...or at least that's what I have to believe, otherwise, what's the point?

[LarrysGirl]

Gosh KayC, I'm so sorry. And here I thought I was the only one still struggling. This site had been so quiet, that I thought I better keep my thoughts to myself. But recently, when trying to talk with the people around me I was so discouraged to find them responding the same way they always have since Larry died. I should'nt be surprised but somehow, fingers crossed, I hoped for better. I've been concluding to just keep my mouth shut but it just adds to the isolation,loneliness, frustration and pure grief. I thought by now we would at least feel alittle more grounded, not over the grieving, but coping better. I still feel I'm one second away from insanity.

And now I realize, ALL of us, are still in the same boat. Its comforting in some sort of way but I don't wish this on anyone, EVER. KayC, I'll be thinking of you while I continue this path. Please share, I know suicide seems to alluring, it does to me also, but we know in our hearts thats not the answer. Deborah

[kayc]

Deborah,

I have been hesitant to share much because I feel like people think I don't belong here anymore because of my remarrying, and like I should just be over it since I've made that choice. However, it doesn't work like that. No, it doesn't go away, we don't get over it, and even though it's been almost two years, it's still hard and very painful. I try to make good choices but it seems like all I ever do is screw things up no matter how hard I try. I'm proud of those who are accomplishing things they hadn't tried before. I wish I could be more like that. It's hard for me to do the simplest things that George used to do. I just feel tired and wish life could be over. I can't picture myself ever "ending it all"...it's more like just a wish that it could be that way. I feel depressed but don't want to use Rxs as a cure all as I don't feel it's drugs I need, but a different life. Maybe someday I'll have it. Good luck to you!

[WaltC]

((Deborah)) @16 months

((Jenn)) @17 months

((kayc)) @21.5 months

((ustwo)) @22 months

My heart goes out to you wonderful ladies and I share your feelings. I am coming up to the two year mark on April 13th, so I understand your pain and have many of those same emotions. I found this article again, which reminds me of my dear Jeannie and how brave she was in her situation. It reminds me that although when she died a HUGH part of me died also, BUT because I still live on, a part of her lives on with me. That thought is about the only reason why I continue to exist - to keep her 'alive' for others. But I still ask:"Why Her and Why Not Me?"

Why Her and Why Not Me? - By Richard A. Rousay II

In the beauty of her youth

My wife was bold and full of truth.

Our lives together started strong

But soon we noticed something wrong.

A bottle slips from her right hand

We dance much less to our favorite band.

The morning headache that comes and goes

The loss of feeling in her toes.

One doctor says he has no guess

The next one says She has M.S.

Now I must watch my love so pure

wither from which there is no cure.

Our years are filled with joy and pain

A type of life one can't explain.

Yet by her side I'll always be

As she slowly dies in front of me.

With God as my witness I'd give up my life

If it would spare the pain of my sweet wife.

And when I die and God I see

I'll ask, Why her and why not me?

[lorikelly]

I don't have any words that will make your pain go away, I can only say that you have all of us here that care about all of you. I consider each and everyone of you my FRIEND. i may never have meet you in person but i feel like i know you forever. Pls remenber this when you are feeling down. i pray that God will watch over you . Lori

[kayc]

You guys are wonderful. I guess that's why I keep coming back, you're the only ones who understand...it doesn't go away. I wish I could wake up and find it was all just one big nightmare and he'd be snoring peacefully beside me. Why, after two years, am I getting further away from wanting to accept reality? Why can't I have him back? If someone is trying to punish me, they've done a good job, they can quit now!

[AnnieO]

I agree with Lorikelly,I haven't met any of you, but think of you as friends. You have helped me thru some of the hardest days in my life, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers daily and you are not alone.

[Trudy1964]

Friends,

I don't post very often anymore. But the first thing I do in the morning is check this site. The last thing I do at night is check this site. I say a special prayer for all of my friends going through the same horrible pain I am going through. Bless you all.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[Jamie]

It has been so very long since I have posted, I read the posts but I cannot seem to write, especially if I do not post on the first post I made, I feel guilty for not posting there; like I am leaving Herman behind then too; until I saw this post, this post is exactly how I feel each second of each day and night since I lost Herman 16 Months and 16 days ago. Thank you Deborah for starting this post and allowing me to feel just for a tiny second that I am not alone and crazy. I miss Herman more than I could ever explain and you wonderful people are truly the only ones that understand and I thank you so much and I ache for you all.

[LarrysGirl]

Jamie, I sent you a message and want to tell you I'm happy I started this post just to see my old friends back and sharing. I know you are hurting. This is not any easier for me either. Please try to write and share your feelings. Glad to hear from you, Deborah