A 'breakdown' Last Night.

[spunkye]

Hi everyone,

I went to my grief recovery group last night and left before it was over...and screamed, sobbed, yelled and carried on like a maniac on the drive home and parked down the street of my house and carried on some more, before I came home. I didn't want to get into a conversation about it with my daughter - I didn't feel like talking..I just wanted to go to sleep.

I think what got me into such a state last night was the two main topics on the video and in the discussion afterward...guilt and suicide.

Not often, but every once in a while, I feel like there's no reason to go on. My husband is gone and I don't know what to do with my life. I'm just so unhappy and I get to thinking so negatively. I, deep down inside - never admitting to anyone- feel I'm too old to start a new life. And then I feel guilty 'cuz God has given me so much...a wonderful daughter, a warm home, a new little car, a fabulous little dog, my health, friends ( with whom I don't stay in touch), an Alaskan cruise coming in May, and mostly His love, promises and plans for a new life. I just get so depressed sometimes, I can hardly stand it.

I also feel guilty for not being as kind, patient, loving and understanding with my husband during his last few monoths of life.

Anyway, I just wanted to 'put it out there'...I don't feel very strong or courageous at all right now. It's been 7 months since he died - and I still can't believe it.

Love to all, Benita

[dpodesta]

Benita

At 7 months you are right where you are supposed to be. Just remember when you get to feeling like there is nothing to live for, live for your daughter, that is what worked for me. God has given you a lot to be thankful for and you realize that, sometimes it is hard to look at thse things when we are down in the dumps. As you get closer to the year mark you will start feeling like you are living again and the guilt will become less.

Derek

[lorikelly]

Benita

I also struggle with feelings of guilt. i took care of my mom for 18mos and i know that i could of been more patient, kind and understanding. some days i hate myself for it and get so low. i have to believe in my heart that my mom loves me and always understood. i did the best i could and so did you. be gentle with yourself, healing i believe will take us a lifetime. i know for me until i see my mom again in heaven i will always grieve and miss her. God Bless Lori

[kayc]

Benita,

Hey, I feel like that at 21 months out, so you're not alone. The good thing to know is that those thoughts are not prevalent or not there all of the time. Seven months is till pretty fresh...the further out we go, hopefully, it will be intertwined with some up times. Just remember, we are all here to listen and care.