I Lost My Mom

[missmymomma]

I'm 22 and my mom passed away unexpectedly on January 31. She wasn't feeling well for a few months and kept going to the doctor but they couldn't figure out anything. The last time she went they sent her to the emergency room where she died 5 hours later. My dad was by her side the whole time. My brother was at home and I was in Oklahoma City at a Christian concert with my boyfriend. I had asked her before I went if she wanted me to come to the ER with her and she said no she'd probably be fine. Before she had left I gave her a hug and told her I loved her. She said she was so weak that she felt like the life was being drained out of her and that she now knew what it was like to wish you would die. When she passed away my dad said it was terrifying because she had all this strength that came out of nowhere. She saw 2 angels because her pupils got really big and she looked to the left, then to the right and took her last breath. We had an autopsy done and still haven't found out the results. I'm sure we will have to relive it all over again. My parents 27th anniversary would have been Feb.17th. I'm in dental hygiene school which is very stressful in itself and now this. We had never had any kind of loss like this. My dad, me, and my brother are devastated. Everything seemed so clear to me at first. I knew she was in Heaven and everything happens for a reason. But now I sometimes feel like I'm going downhill. There are so many people that care about us that we didn't even realize. People came to the viewing and the funeral that my dad hadn't spoken to in 25 years. It was amazing but didn't lessen the pain. My dad goes to a grief counseling group and it has really helped him. He still cries everyday. I can't cry everyday because I have to pretend everything is okay while I'm at school. I just can't believe this has happened to us. We had such a perfect family. We all loved each other so much. My mom seemed to know everything about everything. My boyfriend proposed to me April 10th in front of our families. It was bittersweet. It was perfect except that my mom wasn't there. There's so many things I find myself wanting to ask my mom for advice and now I can't. Sometimes I find myself feeling angry that my fiance has a mom and I don't. It just doesn't seem fair. I would never wish anything bad of course. I guess I'm just jealous. I go to the cemetary and just cry really hard because I want my momma back. Then I try to tell myself that I will see her again. My mom was supposed to watch my kids when I had them because that's what she did for a living and she was very good at it. I will never find anyone that will raise my kids the way she would have. Sometimes I think I don't even want kids now. But that thought passes like all the other ones. Everyone tells me to be strong and take care of my dad. Sometimes I just swallow my tears until he goes to work.

[tattoodlb]

I also lost my mom unexpectedly, I am 36. We think she committed suicide, but we really don't know. The police found her in her apartment on the floor in her living room. The medical examiner did a "toxicology" which is taking blood samples to test for drugs, alcohol, etc. Well, the med examiner's office lost her samples so we don't know. That's the worst. I didn't get to say anything to my mom as she had not contacted me for the week before she died. She called my brother the night before (Friday night), she died on Saturday morning. Aug 23, 2003. I got a call from the police. I know how you feel about unexpected death. It stinks. My mom died the week before my college semester started and that was really hard!! Trying to do school work, well I guess I just threw myself into my school work because I didn't really cry. I graduate the end of May '04 with my Associates and now I feel that I have time to cry. I put it off, and put it off...I try to keep busy so that I don't think about it. I also know how you feel about the not knowing part....that stinks, too. I don't know if I have any comforting words, but I did post another reply to another person in this discussion that tells more of my story as I don't want to be redundant. All that I can share with you on this is that you are not alone with your sorrow. I'm sure your mom misses you and your brother and dad as much as you miss her. Take care.

[missmymomma]

It sucks to lose someone and it sucks even more not knowing the how or why. It's been 4 months and we still haven't gotten the autopsy reports back. But we are all doing much better. All I can say is not to hold back your feelings because I've learned that that makes it worse. I don't really know how we could go on with school and all but the world doesn't stop turning so we have to keep going especially when we really don't want to. I don't know what else to say but I hope that somehow you can get an answer for your own peace of mind.