Grieving Mom Needs Help!

[lisad]

On April 24, I lost my beautiful 20 year old daughter Sarah. She had cystic fibrosis but had been doing OK, then she got pneumonia right before Easter and within 2 weeks, she was dead. I had to make the decision to turn off life support. She was young, beautiful, full of life, and my best friend. Then just like that, she was gone.

She still lived at home and all of her things are still lying where she left them. I can't bring myself to do anything with them, but at the same time I can't stand to look at them.

On top of that, my husband seems to think that we need to get "back to normal" while I feel anything but normal. I know he is grieving too but it doesn't seem to affect him the way it is affecting me. I want to be surrounded by her friends and others who loved her. I don't feel like doing anything constructive, although I do manage to get the necessary things done. Meanwhile my husband who before this rarely drank, is drinking just about every night, and I am resentful towards him because while he can drink his problems away, I have to remain alert and focused and care for the other kids and the house and the details that have to be dealt with after someone dies.

I have heard that the death of a child causes many marriages to break up and I feel that is where we are headed. I don't want it but I feel resentful toward him as if he could have prevented her death. I replay in my head every battle they ever had (both are very strong-willed, and there was a lot of conflict). I feel angry toward him for not being at the hospital with her, not being in the room with her when she died, and for wanting to "go on with life" as if nothing ever happened. I feel like a huge hole has been ripped into me and I am angry with him for not feeling the same way. Anyone out there who can help me? I don't want my whole family to fall apart and I know that's not what Sarah would want either, but I can't just go on like nothing has happened this soon after losing my daughter and best friend.

Lisa D

[momof5]

Lisa,

I lost my 2 1/2 yr. old daughter 3 months ago. Life will not be the same again. Men do grieve different than women do. My husband and I have grieved differently. Have you heard of compassionate friends? It is a support group that meets once a month for parents that have lost a child. That has helped me alot. If you have a close friend or pastor that you can talk too about your loss. When you are ready to move her things then move them. It took me 2 months before I moved her crib out of the living room back into the bedroom. I still have her carseat in the van. This is a hard journey . Someone reminded me I can do this, no it isn't easy but you can make it thru. To help get my anger out, I went and rearranged some rocks in this field near my house.

Just my two cents,

Toni

[lisad]

Dear Toni,

Thank you. I know that I will get through this but some days it's just so very hard, as you know. The social worker from the hospital who is also a friend did give me some info on Compassionate Friends and I plan to attend the next meeting which is on the 2nd Sunday of the month.

We are fortunate to have good friends, family and church but I still feel so alone. I feel like I have to be doing "ok" and put on a face for everyone else when inside I feel like I am being ripped to shreds. I'm sure this is pretty much a universal thing especially for moms who have other kids. I don't want my other kids to see me grieving because I don't want to upset them.

I am so very sorry about your baby girl. I know it's devastating.

Hugs,

Lisa