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Lost And Empty


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2 years 1/2 ago I met the man who was going to become my future husban. 1 year after meeting him I left everything I knew and moved to Mexico with him. We married Novemenber 7 2006. This past Feb 7 he was killed by some scum that wanted to take his car.

The time I spent with him was trully magical. Hi made me so so so so happy. I'm pretty quiet person, but with him I could talk for hours I could be silly I could trully be me. He could read me so well. Now that I have lost him I feel so lost and all I do is ask him to take me with him. Every time I think that I'm not going to be able to touch or smell him again I can't breathe. Every one tells me that I need to live for him, but I did everything with him, my life was him. How I'm a suppose to continue without him???????????

I'm so angry and I'm scared the anger is never going to go away and I'm going to become a bitter person. I don't want to be bitter for the rest of my life, I know he would not have liked that. But I don't know how to get rid of this anger I have. I'm angry at the men that shot him, I'm agry at the useless police, I'm angry at the witness, I'm even angry at myself :(

I read a book where someone said life can be like a screwed up pocker game where you are given a perfect hand and you are so sure you have won and then without warning the rules change and your hand is worthless. I'm worthless right know and so so emtpy and lost

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Oh my God, I feel so terribly bad for you! You didn't have much time and so terribly in love and for it to end so violently. It's very easy to understand everything you are going through. Unfortunately, you need to continue on for yourself and for those who love you. Saying, "It gets easier" just doesn't help now, it's really one day or one hour at a time. You definately are not worthless! Your life has drastically changed but down the road you'll start climing out of this, little by little. My heart is with you. God Bless You.

Karen

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What you are feeling is perfectly normal. I went through the same emotions after my wife of 12 years died. I felt like life couldn't go on. How could I go on without her and I definately wanted to join her. It has been a little over a year now and life has gone on. I am starting to live again and I have started to find out who I am. Unlike you, my wife died of a heart attack, no one took her from me. I envy you in a way, you have some one you can be angry at some one to focus sthat anger towards. I didn't have anyone to focus my anger towards, I had a lot of anger and nowhere to vent it. Unfourtunately, my son recieved a lot of my anger and I had to say I am sorry to him on numourous occasions. Luckly for me 7 year old forgive you very easily. I wish I could tell you something that would help it all go away but I can't. I will say that as time goes on the anger will lessen and you will be able to live life again. For now live one day at a time or even one hour at a time and you will get through this.

Love always

Derek

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I know just how you feel. I left Scotland and came to US to marry the love of my life three and a half years ago. We had nearly two years of wonderful married life and then he died in an accident at work when he fell off a ladder. My world stopped and I too thought that I would never be able to breathe again. It has been 20 months since his death and I have just kept on trying to put one foot in front of the other and apparently I am still alive. I have felt like a little train that just wants to keep running down it's track. I have not been able to make any decisions about moving back to Scotland where my 2 grown up sons are but have kept going here on my own as I have a job that I enjoy and some wonderful friends.

It is such a short time since you lost your husband,chriskz, and at that stage I know that I was in shock - for about 6 months. Then things got worse for a while as the shock wore off and I had to face the hard reality of life on my own again. I went on anti-depressants for a short while but felt better when I stopped taking them. I went to individual counselling and a wonderful counsellor helped me greatly to understand that I had indeed been through a traumatic experience and was entitled to feel the way that I felt - sad and heart broken.

It is such a hard lonely road to travel and the worst thing of all is that it is never one we would have choosen. I have learned a lot on my journey and know that I can help others through the awful things that I have survived. Please be kind and gentle with yourself and know that we have all felt all the things that you are going through just now. Somehow we get the strength to carry on and do one more day at a time. I hold onto the knowledge that I will be with my beloved Butch again but for now he has stepped throught he veil and I apparently have things that I need to do before I can go and join him. I know that he wants me to look forward to that time with the same joyful anticipation that we looked forward to seeing each other when we lived 6,000 miles apart. May you feel some peace in your heart and know that much love is sent your way.

Christe

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You aren't worthless, you just feel your life is without value right now. It is so fresh, the anger takes time to subside and work through. It is understandable, yet you are right, you don't want to become bitter. The only way not to is to forgive and forgiveness is neither easy nor cheap. Ask God to help you or if you have a spiritual advisor, seek their help. We will all keep you in our thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Crikz, I think I can relate, I am so bitter and angry at the loss of my best friend and wife in march 2nd, she was 37, I cry every night, I ask God why me, I hate my life mostly and feel so alone, since I don't have much support from anyone, I am 40 and wanted to grow old with her, thats all I wanted and it didn't happen, I too feel bitter and angry at everything, I almost killed my self a day after she passed, thats how my life seems, nothingness, I wake up knowing I will be alone again, Damn it hurts so much. I don't know what to do anymore. I wonder if I am going to make it another week.

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For Stallyn - I am so sorry. Your loss is new and the pain is awful. Try to just get through an hour, a day, whatever it is you need, a little at a time. I wish you had someone you could sit and talk with, that might help a little. I lost my husband a year and a half ago, suddenly, of a heart attack while he was driving on the freeway. He was gone immediately. Thank goodness my son-in-law was with him and got the truck to the side of the road so no one else got hurt. The last thing he said before going golfing was, "I'll see you later, dear. I love you." The shock was so bad when I got to the hospital, they put me in emergency. These people in these forums are wonderfully supporting and everyone has such sad stories. Try to be good to yourself, just go slowly, "one damn foot in front of the other." Keep us posted how you're doing.

Your friend.....Karen

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KarenB,

I find it hard to go on sometimes, I don't know if I will live or die the next day of a broken heart, This is the worst thing thats ever happened to be, she was my everything, my reason to live, I cant enjoy life like I used to, I don't

desire to do anything anymore and my father, well he says stupid things, telling me when I broke down, that he didnt like me having pity on myself, theres people dying in iraq, Like did my wife choose to have cancer and die? It is infuriating the people you think you trust just push the pain to the next level. I tried to commit suicide the day after she died, and I told a friend and well, 2 Am 3 cops haul me down to a mental clinic since I am bipolar II, she always had a way to smoothing me out, not anymore, I am sorry about your loss, that is a horrible experience to go though w/o closure.

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To our dear Stallyn

You must feel the caring that's going out to you. You will go on, you will live through the next time your heart is breaking and I'm sure it's the hardest thing that's happened to you. Your wonderful wife is watching you with love and wants you to make it through this. You won't have the same life, you can't, but you will carry on. It seems that maybe you should try to be around people that support you right now and stay away from those that say things to hurt you. You don't have pity on yourself....my goodness, you've suffered a great loss. I don't know what bipolar II is but if you take medication for it, please talk to your doctor to make sure you're on the right track. The only reason I know this is I have a schizophrenic son and I feel I understand a little bit. Please take care of yourself, watch whom you're with, talk to your doctor and your wonderful wife is with you. I know my husband is with me and watching over me and that's very comforting. Talk to your wife, tell her how you're feeling, she'll understand.

Your friend....Karen

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I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my best friend, my soul mate. It has been 17 months yet today has been so hard. I just MISS him so much. Nothing will ever be the same and you feel so close to being insane. I know you are suffering and it is very hard to get thru this. Keep posting and sharing your feelings because everyone here has had an experience similar to yours, we can help you and listen. If I hadn't had this site in the beginning I probably would not be here now. I did not want to live and I still feel at times that I need to be with Larry. Its a day to day decision. I hope by reading our messages that you feel some comfort and understanding. Deborah

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I am so grateful for the understanding here, and my newfound friends, thanks for being there, I will try to talk to her again and move my anger aside so she will hear me, I decided to keep my distance with my father for my sake, My wife probably would tell me that too, God bless,

William

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Thank you all for your words. Even though I didn't think it would help, it does in a way comfort you to know that other people are feeling the same way you are, and that it's not just you being crazy. SO THANK YOU! Even though my family has been with me all time and have given me all the support they can and I love them a whole bunch, I still feel lonely and misunderstood.

Anyway here is a positive quote I try to repeat to myself everyday

"It has never been, and never will be, easy work! But the road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same place"

I know that I will see my Baby again, in the mean time I need to have hope that he will guide me in my journey here on earth, I need to have hope that this cloud that is over me will eventually go away, I need to have hope that I will be able to see clearly again, that this anger will not take over me and that I will be able to take all the love that my baby gave me and use it to do something good while I wait for him to come get me

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I'm glad to hear what you said. Trying is the most important thing....you continue to try and you will succeed. You are doing beautifully and you have these wonderful friends out here.....such a comfort. Try to have a good week, keep letting us know how you are, take care of yourself.

Your friend....Karen

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Stallyn,

Your loss is so fresh, I am very sorry you are going through this. Try to protect yourself from people who are not good for you to be around, especially right now. My mother says terribly stupid, callous things, and I hardly spent any time around her the first year after my husband's death, I just couldn't handle it. Even now I try not to put myself in a position where I am stuck with her, I try to take her in lower doses. Everything you are experiencing is very normal, we've all felt this way. I am sure it is all the harder with Bipolar, please stay in close contact with your doctor. My doctor was wonderful when I lost my husband, he told me to call him any time day or night.

You have found a very supportive site. These people are all very caring because they understand, they've been there. Please continue coming back to this site, post what you are feeling, it really helps to get it out.

I wish you the best. It takes a lot of time, but you will get better, one day at a time. Try not to look too far ahead, just think about getting through this hour, this minute.

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