Moving On And ....trying Not To Be Lonely

[JennO]

Hi everyone. Looking for some advice. At 18mths since Jeff died, my new normal is here. I am beginning to find myself very lonely. Not the...gosh, I need to get out and be social lonely...but the ...I am a single parent with a busy work schedule(and I have a retail schedule..so that means not very many weekends off witht the rest of the world!) and little time for social interaction lonely. My friends are all married and don't long for the adult companionship I now do. I seem to be making all the efforts. I have sought out a few new friends that didn't know me before Jeff died, but the same busy life applies to them and they don't seem to need the adult companionship I am longing for.

Anyone else faced with this and have any suggestions? I am finding myself getting very sad and trying to not become depressed.

[dpodesta]

Jenn

I feel the same way. I have a 7 year old son and at times it seems like the only ones I talk to are either the adults at work or kids. I do have a Monday through Friday schedule which helps a lot. I started working part time for a company that does Casino night parties which gets me away from Carson for a night and interaction with adults in a very fun atmosphere, so i get paid to have fun and tak to other adults. I tried E-harmony for a couple of months but nothing really panned out. I don't know if any of these ideas might help.

Love always\\Derek

[kayc]

I'm kind of in a funk too...I miss social interaction but don't have the time when others do and want to socialize. Plus John isn't around and couples like to socialize with other couples, and my life style is more like I'm single. It's a difficult dilemma to be in, but I, too, am lonely. I hope you find something!

[Stallyn]

I haven't had the energy or state of mind to go out and meet people either, I was so comfortable with my wife around and I didn't care, now being alone with no kids or family my sanity is questionable. I tried dating sites too, most of them have been scammers, So what is our choices? People seem to stay away from people like ourselves, I feel for you, keep forging ahead with a dating site, you bound to find someone in due time,

Blessings,

William

[gabrielle_land]

Hi Jenn

I can relate to what you are feeling. I have been trying to start a "normal" life here. At my age (23) still most of my friends are single, most of them go dating or clubbing almost every weekend, and though I guess it's good to be around friends, clubs aren't exactly the place to fill the loneliness I feel. Besides it's not the right place to meet people, since, If I can say it this way, people are there in just another frequency. Most of the people around me are all just trying to have fun,and since I lost Chris I see things differently as they do. I haven't made much friends, but the few I have made are very spiritual and understanding people, which has helped me.

I joined an online site called catholicmatch.com for a month or so and made some acquaintances, religious people who have always very comforting words. I think I'm having a spiritual need right now, which so far I feel it calms my loneliness and sadness, and maybe eventually find somebody who understands me and helps me grow spiritually.

Blessings,

Gaby

[kellymarie]

Jenn and Gaby,

I definately feel the way both of you do. I'm at 14 months and have FINALLY realized this is my "new" life. I almost can't remember what life was like before Josh died. I feel lonely even when I'm around my friends, alot of whom are single so it's not the "couple" thing. I definately am more serious and more spiritual right now than my friends, which does make it lonely here. And Gaby... " think I'm having a spiritual need right now, which so far I feel it calms my loneliness and sadness, and maybe eventually find somebody who understands me and helps me grow spiritually" is very much how I feel at this stage in my life (just turned 28 which was sad because I'm older than Josh now...).

Anyways, I am very glad to hear this is how you all are feeling because I'm feeling it too.. and it's very sad and lonely here. It doesn't seem to be getting "easier."

Hugs,

Kelly

[Brooke]

Lord Jenn do I know what you mean!! All my friends are married too with families so they have there own things going on, I found the need to go back to work part time just to get to talk to people. I tried the dating thing on line (E-Harmony) it was working well for me, but any guy I meet seems to head for the hills as soon as they hear how I am a widow with an 11 month old son, I guess they think I'm looking for a father for Tanner, and they have it all wrong, he has a father, he's just not here with us! But know that I really know how short life is I can be picky and not settle for anything less then I deserve. I wish I had some helpful advise for you, but I'm just as lost and in need of some kind of companion!!

The best of luck to you all out there in the same or similar situation!

Brooke

[DoubleJo]

I have made the effort to meet new people from different places, doing different activities. As a "young" widow (people think I'm in my 40's) of 56 people seem to be uncomfortable around me after the initial "we welcome you, you're not alone" speech. Its' awkward for them because since I have touched the realm of death it unnerves them, unsettles them. Having gone past them by experiencing another level of existance has separated me from their lives.

As most of you know, we don't quite fit neatly into a comfortable ordinary catagory anymore. (You're supposed to be shriveled up and really old when widowed) So while I have several new helpful acquaintances that I see specifically for each type of activity, there is no interest on their part to include me after or before.

But the more one is out there the more the opportunity to connect. So I keep trying new things. Over time sometimes things grow, sometimes you hook up with the right one/ones. Most people are just so involved with themselves. Their lives are already filled out, but we're starting new ones. Different worlds.

Hang in there. The people are out there. Its' just the hooking up that can be difficult. Sometimes you hit it lucky and find a friend right away.

My best- Doublejo

[kayc]

Yes, we don't quite fit in and so many people don't understand. I run into people who think that because I have remarried, there is something wrong with me if I ever think of my deceased husband. It's ludicrous to think that I wouldn't!

[Stallyn]

Hi all, yes I been seeing that too, I am 40 and being told all the time I got my life ahead of me, geez, they really don't understand our lives have been turned around, I often think thats something I am going to hear someday too, that when you remarry you forsake your spouses memory, I don't know how that could be anyways, I wish to think my wife would want me to be happy with someone, well most of us are called into marriage..

[Steven]

It is ludicrous, and it really underscores the absolute inability to place yourself in the position we're in without having experienced it. Even very empathetic people have difficulty dealing with the situation, and at times, even people who have experienced the death of their partner are not equipped. My father stopped by the other day with another caring (truly), but clumsy attempt at fixing things for me. I love him dearly, but on a scale of one to ten, his ability to comfort ranks a one or two at the most. His cure for my sadness this time involved "putting away reminders of her." His wife died suddenly and unexpectedly several years ago, and he never dealt with it emotionally--hiding it out of sight is how he, and many others deal with sad, life-changing events. I explained to him, and I think he actually understood this time, that I don't require reminders to think of Tanya--at all. I think of her constantly without any need for memory triggers of any type.

I think back to the death of my very good friend across the country in Florida, and how I treated his wife after his death, and honestly, I think I could have done a much better job. I sent cards frequently, called her and emailed, but I think after about six months; I slowed way down in my contact with her. She always thanks me for my support during those rough times, but in retrospect, I could have been there for her longer and more effectively. This is a learning process, and I think I made some of the same mistakes people are making with me now.

I'm glad you found happiness again and remarried, KayC

[Charlie]

I wonder what people are thinking when they tell you to move on with your life, find someone to fill that void, travel, meet new people. What are they thinking ????

When you have spent the bette part of your life with someone who was your friend, your soul mate, your lover, your partner in life how do you just let someone else come into your life and fill that space. Thats not going to happen, that special something you had with your spouse can never be replaced.

I was married for 46 years, to a man I knew since childhood, we were soul mates and I was never lonely when he was here. Now half of me is gone and trying to live life halfway is really sad. When people say find someone to fill that lonliness I just want to shout at them, I don't want anyone else to fill that void, I want my husband back. I know that is impossible so I just go thru the motions of life watching others laugh and find happiness while I watch from the sidelines as a outsider wishing I could be happy again too.

I guess unless if happens to you one will really never know what it does to a person when they lose the one they love.

[kayc]

Steven, Thank you...last weekend was the first time I could honestly say I had a happy weekend. I think what most people don't realize is that you can look to fill a void in your life, but you can never replace what was lost. It is a new phase, a new normal, a marching on, and it defies the imagination how much determination and strength it takes.

Charlie, I can't even imagine what it must be like to be with someone so long, only to lose them. It's no wonder you feel as you do.