Unknown Tragedy

[Rosemary]

Three months ago to the day, Merlin died. I remember the day because my dad just came home from the airport and was unpacking his suitcase. I just finished eating a tostado for dinner, and I was standing in the kitchen watching my two cats run up and down the hallway as they usually did. Morgan, the momma cat would chase Merlin, the runt of her second litter, down the hall, then Merlin would run and chase Morgan. Nothing was out of the ordinary. Nor were there any hints that something might be wrong. My mom was standing on the other side of the kitchen rumaging through her purse. We both looked at the two cats chasing each other down the hall, and all of a sudden Merlin ran right into the side of the wooden cabinet where I was standing. He hit his head so hard that he toppled over. It did not look as though he had control of his body at this point. He's never, ever done this before. I feel that Merlin had a blood clot or something wrong with him before he hit the cabinet. His body flew a foot back and he went into a seizure. His tongue stuck out of his mouth, and his eyes looked as though he went into shock. He took his last breath right there in front of me while I was in histerics. I went into shock. I picked him up immediately and layed him on my lap and drove 100 miles per hour, literally, to the vet. They were closed. Bastards. I had to drive 10 minutes out of the way to another "emergency" vet office going 90+ miles an hour on the freeway. My mom was paranoid that I was going to kill us all. We arrived at the vet's office, and a nurse was walking out the door, she took Merlin and tried reviving him. They told me he had no heartbeat and that even if they were to revive him, he probably would never be the same cat. I have never been the same without him.

It has been three months to the day that he has died. I cannot comes to terms that my beloved cat is gone. He was the only unconditional being in my life next to my mother, but understood me better than anyone in this world. He would paw at my face when I was sleeping next to him, and he would rub his nose into my face. He would give me kisses all of the time, everyday. I always told him I loved him - everyday. I'm glad of that. I know that he was here to protect me, and brought me back home after I lived away from it for so long. I still have Morgan with me, and I am very thankful for that. She has the same mannerisms as he once did. She and I have bonded as we once did before she had many kittens.

Over the past three months, I have lost all friendships except for one. No one was there for me. My parents left town on vacation 4 days after the tragedy, and not one "friend" would come over and console me. I went crazy for two weeks and did not eat. I have now put a pillow where Merlin hit his head so that no other cat would do the same. I recently removed the pillow over the weekend to check the area for any clues as to what might have happened. There was a streak of blood lightly covering the carpet. He must have had a blood clot in his brain that caused this. I wish I would have had tests done to find out exactly what happened, but I was in such a state of shock at the vet's office, all I could think of was when will he wake up? He's just in shock, wake him up!!

I'm completely lost without him. Morgan still runs around howling for him. She has gained some weight over the last three months eating out of depression. I have simply been lost. I feel that Merlin was my soulmate. I nurtured him from when he was an infant. He ate out of my hands until he was 3 months old. He was my baby. I probably will never be able to have children, so he was my surrogate one. Merlin was only 5 years old.

[tedsan]

Ohh, I am SO SORRY for you! You must feel awful. I know i do. My nineteen year old cat just died. I am 13, so she has been around my entire life. If you have any tips on how to handle the death of a cat, please email me, because my pain is unbearable. even worse, I lost my guinea pig, my companion of 3 years. Please, email me back and we can talk about Merlin and Sandy.

Becka

[LittleGirl'sMommy]

Oh Rosemary, I'm so sorry about what happened!!! How are you doing?? Please know that whatever it was that caused Merlin's death, you couldn't have done anything to prevent it, so don't feel guilty about ANYTHING. For some unknown reason, it was Merlin's time for his little body to pass on. But his spirit is still here; he's in a realm where there's only bliss and no sense of time or space. He's ok---not in any physical or emotional distress. And he's lived an earthly life better than 99% of animals could ever hope for in this world!

You are such a wonderful Mom! Morgan is lucky... Hold each other close.

Please keep in touch, and write whatever/whenever you need. My thoughts and prayers are there with you. Love and understanding,

Kathy

[NILI]

Hy Rosmary,

I'm so sorry for your loss, I understand exactly what you going througe.

I've lost my beloved cat - joey , also almost three months ago, and I feel so sad and lost without him. he was like a son to me, and he was so cute and beautiful.

A car hit him outside, and some people called me, and called to the vet too, the vet came and we took him to the clinic, but there was'nt much he could because he had blood injury inside his boody, and he was in shock also, and he died after an half an hour later.

I'm also not the same person I was, no one understand what i'm going through. most people say: "take anouder cat, it will help you", they don't understand it's not a toy.I'm going to a therapist now, so he will help me to dill with the pain that is so hard. I can't even look at his pictures yet.

I will be very happy to talk to you, and we could share our emotions and help each other.

Nili

[Rosemary]

Thank you everyone for posting a response. It has been nearly 6 months now, and it feels like yesterday that Merlin died. I still have that traumatic experience replayed in my head over and over again. I am seeing a therapist to deal with the grief and learn some new coping mechanisms. The momma cat Morgan is as much of a rollercoaster as myself. She has been suicidal...running like crazy around the house, not paying attention to where she is running...she has hit her head on the wooden railing of the stairs awhile back after Merlin had died, and I went into shock. I thought I had lost another cat. She just stood up, shaked her head and kept running. She also has run out into the street a few times after Merlin died also. Now, I never let her outside without being on a leash.

I promised Morgan that I would be here for her, and that I would not abandon her. It is so hard to find hope in this world now that my soulmate is gone from it. My so-called friends abandoned me during the time after Merlin died, and did not support me in any way. The only social interaction I have in this state is my job, and school, and living with my parents. It's hard finding new friends...quality people to trust. It's even harder when your true friends live in other states around the U.S. I feel so alone. I want my soulmate back. I just want to lay down and die. I am numbing out slightly from the time that has already passed, but the loss still cuts through my heart like a knife. There has never been, and never will be another being that will ever come close to the unconditional love and affection that Merlin provided to me. There are no substitutions. I cannot bear the thought of getting a new kitten or cat. Morgan would kill it. And my 17 yr old cat would be deathly afraid of it. I am lost. As the rest of us are ....

[LittleGirl'sMommy]

Rosemary,

I'm sorry you are in this pain.

When I lost my Little Girl on March 24, I, too, lost my soulmate (although I believe without a doubt that she is still here with me---just not physically). I also left a 15-year friendship over this because of lack of support. I don't need friends like that, and neither do you. I feel so bad that no friends came over to console you!!

I am glad you are seeing a therapist.

You are a great Mom; don't forget that. Does your vet have any medical idea why Morgan is running around like that? I have never heard of that.

Keep in touch. You're in my prayers,

Kathy