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Back To The Hospital


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Tonight I got a call from a friend...her husband may have his leg removed, she wants me to come to the hospital...I've been there many times with her and her husband, but this time it will be at the hospital where George died. Please say a prayer for me, I haven't been back there since that fateful day nearly two years ago. I will be there in just a few minutes...

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kayC,

Oh My - I have yet to return to the hospital that Jack spent so many weeks at before coming home to die - the though has alwasy been too painful for me. I am thinking of you my dear friend.

John - Dusky on here

Love you Jack

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Kayc I keep you in my prayers, this must be very hard for you to do. Just the thought of going to the hospital where Chris passed away makes me want to cry. You are brave in deciding to go and be with your friend to support her in this hard moment, my heart goes with you and your friend. Many blessings, let us know how it went ok,

Gaby

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Kayc

I thought about you all night. I know you found the strength to be there for your friends. I also know how hard this is for you. I know the first time I walked into the same hospital where my mom had died, with my dad, I couldn't breathe, felt like I was going to faint. Now, my dad has the same doctor and is in the same nursing home, so it is a constant reminder...I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Your friend is lucky to have you in her life. Take care of yourself.

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KC, my thoughts and prayers go with you. I remember the first time I had to walk into one of the two hospitals Gene had been in.......it was six months later. Every cell in my body shook and it took every bit of strenght I could summon to not run. But I did it and I did it because someone needed my support....someone who had been a great supporter for me. Living is hard. The need to be there for someone else.......to show compassion is a driven emotion now for me. It hurts but someone else is hurting too so I do what I have to. KC, you have such strength in you, such compassion for others around you. We may not feel strong but we all are survivors. May your journey go gently. Thanks for your friendship.

Always Gene!

Always!

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Kayc

My prayers are with you and your friend. Going back to the place where we lost them is very painful. For me it is every time I visit my daughter as the time grew nearer my daughter who is a nurse wanted her dad and I to move in with her so she could care for him. She made a special place in her spare bedroom for her father and I to spend our last days together and each and every time I go to her home I walk into that room and say a prayer and talk with him. It is getting a little easier as the months and now years have passed but looking at the corner where his hospital bed sat and remembering those last moments still tug at my heart.

God bless you for doing this for your friend

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 - 10/20/04

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Thank you all for your prayers. It went well, although gruelling. We were afraid Jim would lose his leg but the doctor wants him to try one more procedure first. When I got to the hospital, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing but I made it through. Jim was released from the hospital, made it home, passed out from low blood pressure, the neighbors called 911, back to the hospital, got stabilized, back home again at 5:00 a.m. What a night! I am glad I was there for my friend though, she was there for me and George when he was dying.

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Kayc; This is a tough one. It will hit you. But then afterwards you will know that you faced something from your past and can now put it to rest better. We are all with you on this one.

Doublejo

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Thank you. I was just thinking this weekend how it had been almost two years...two years, and who'd have thought I could survive it. Two years and I haven't commit suicide. Two years and I've managed to keep a roof over my head, get a new job, buy a new car, and somehow deal with all of the loneliness. Today, my company sent me out to the hardware store and as I started to go in, I noticed the hot dog stand that George could never pass up. It hit me, as I walked into the store, I found myself having to wipe away tears from my eyes. Two years and I'm still wiping tears away from my eyes. Who'd have thought ay of us could survive all this! But somehow, with God's help and each other, we have and are.

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kayc - It will be 2 years on July 27th for me and I'm doing all the same types of things you are including the occasional "surge" of tears and even less of those now. I think trying to keep busy, working in the garden, doing things for other people, enjoying my church life and getting out with friends very occasionally - things like that have helped me. Reading the posts of people whose lost is recent reminds me of myself a while back and I so understand where they're coming from. It really is good to be a part of this group and I really appreciate it. Have a good day.

Karen

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Dear Kay,

Just let those persistent tears flow as they need to. Anyone who doesn't understand their presence, no matter where you are 'out there', just doesn't have the same compassion and sensitivity that you've learned, through great misfortune, to have, and to extend to others. I like to think of mourning as being similar in concept to homeopathic treatment, which states that for every year that someone's had a condition, it can sometimes take the same number of months to successfully allow the body to heal itself with the given remedy(ies)...very much like grief.

All those steps that you've managed to accomplish out of necessity are things that you, and everybody who knows you, should be so proud of! You've done some remarkable things for yourself and are an inspiration to many of us. You've managed to face some awfully big fears and grow beyond them...a huge accomplishment! Oftentimes, it's only that famous hindsight that allows us to see our own, bigger pictures for what they are and how far we've come inside them. Over time, it's a blessing we never could have imagined during our lowest points. Even though it can still be so up and down, despite that growth, know that your inner core strength has, and will continue to serve you well. If I should be so unfortunate to have to remain here w/o my husband, I'll always be remembering just how far YOU came, in ONLY 2 years!

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Kayc: We have done so many things and gone to so many places with our loved ones for so many years that we will continually be surprised with the jolts of the past that suddenly come into view. Two years isn't really long at all. All these jolts popped out from hiding for me for several years after my John died 5 1/2 years ago. I still can get weepy for him and that is with mourning my second husband who died 1 1/2 years ago. At least I know the route now I have to take to get through the griefs. Now at times I find myself being happy that I had 2 such wonderful special people who each loved me so dearly.

Looking back it is surprising to see how much we accomplish ( and not necessarily by choice)even though we can feel we're inching along. But what big inches ! New memories will be made to fill in the missing ones. It is hard to let go of some of the pieces but in time, suprisingly, some diminish

on their own accord, and that's alright because, after all, we are still living.

We live with one foot forward, one behind while trying to stay balanced in the here and now.

Time moves us forward but our hearts stand still.

My best doublejo

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Doublejo,

YOU have been an inspiration to me. You have gone through this TWICE and yet you face it and do what you have to do in your grief journey. Sometimes I am so afraid I'll lose John like I lost George...and I know that is a very real possibility as he has a degenerative lung disease and yet refuses to quit smoking. But I love him for who he is and I've learned you can't change people, those are decisions only they can make...it is just us that also have to face the consequences of those choices. I thought about that before I married him, and yet I wanted to live life and enjoy what there is before I have to face yet another death...his or mine. Something inside of me has a fighting spirit that says I want to "go for it"! Today I found myself missing George so much and tearing up, and for a moment I wondered if I'd made a mistake by remarrying when I'm not totally over George...yet I know I'll never totally be over him, and maybe noone ever does get totally over it, yet we are still here and have to live. So I give what I have to John and know I am not really robbing him at all, life is just weird, it has it's phases, and whether we asked for it or not, we move into different phases of our lives. We have the young phase, getting married, buying a first home, having our children...we move along in our careers, our children grow up and leave the nest, and sometimes, our spouse dies or we retire, and we have to move into a new phase. There is that phase where we sometimes move from independence to dependence and people have to give up their homes and move into assisted living. And all the while, life marches on for other people. Yet I am reminded that even as I have had to face death with my husband, yet my children still have their new phases of having babies and their lives are just beginning the cycle. It is seeing that cycle that encourages us, that even while we grieve, for others, life is happy and full. For us, life can be that way too, it is just not as wonderful as it once was and it takes a lot more determined effort and focus. You have learned to focus on the positive (that you had two such wonderful people love you in your life) and I think that is sometimes the key to our survival. Take care!

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Kayc: my second husband had a liver condition from eating too much fat before I met him. When I saw how he was eating I was shocked. He'd literally put 5 pats of butter on one piece of bread, saying "I like bread with my butter." I tried to change his habit. I told him he was killing himself, his liver could still heal itself. He was just blind to what he ate. ( lot of people are blind to who and how they involve with their decisions, so protect yourself and get named on a life insurance policy, etc).

Well, he only got his weight down and really changed his habits 6 months before he died when the Mayo Clinics' checkup had serious news: his vascular system was so strained it was shutting down. Curt told me before we married about his liver. My stomach sank, and I thought to myself, well, I finally found a soulmate and hes' going to die soon. I put the thought out of my head, and the two of us lived every day busy with each other and living life.

John may die sooner than he should. But it is John who is robbing himself and others. If he has other family members/friends you may find it easier to let them get involved with the heavy stuff if/when the time comes.

Naturally you miss George. Seeing John means you are not seeing George. In the new happiness there is this constant affront. You found John. There may be others to meet(if you would want to) if/when John dies. My second husband was different than my first and better in so many ways. I am seeing a wonderful man who would spend every day and night with me. But I am still numb inside and only can break free to feel for him periodically. It frustrates me when I think I am wasting these days. Then I realize how silly and hard I'm being on myself. Look what we all have gone through, Kayc. After my first husband died (also John) it took me quite awhile before I could hear myself laugh like I used to, but I did.

Would you rather be alone? That's what I told myself with Curt. Why waste whatever years we have by choosing to be alone without him and unhappy? I consider myself lucky that we found each other and supported each other for almost 4 years. Better to look back at 4 years of fullness than 4 of emptiness.

The second death can be less hard than the first- you're not as invested in time, etc., and the love can be less strong or different. Plus you've already done it. You may surprise yourself if John chooses to die early. You may not hurt near as much as you think. How you feel today is not the way you'll feel later. Too many things will happen between now and then. Every day you're growing. By the way- you ARE going for it, right now.

Put what you can't do anything about out of your mind and find what you can in the rest.

My love- doublejo

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Marty; What a wonderful surprise to see you pop up. It is great to know that you are there helping us and supporting us. Thank you.

Doublejo

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Doublejo,

I agree with so much of what you said. I have to live for today, I can't worry myself unduly about the "whatifs". I cannot change John. For many people, they do not mean to be unthinking in their choices, but they haven't been through what we have and they are in some kind of denial...denial about their health, denial about their choices/actions, denial about the effects they can and will have upon others. I will try hard not to fault him for that when the time comes. George also made unwise health decisions that ended in his premature death. Yet even if one ran marathons and ate only organic healthy food, they could still die young. None of us are guaranteed anything and we can't necessarily predict the outcomes either. John doesn't have life insurance or health insurance and it scares me the effect it could have on me financially if he died. He does not have a will and he has a grown daughter that does not want to meet me and could be a very difficult person. That scares me too. I'm wanting to at least have us draw up wills and make financial plans so I will not be devastated if the worst happened. It would afford peace of mind at least, and would help me to enjoy today without having to worry so much about tomorrow. I don't want to think about what I would do if I lost John because that's not here yet and may not come. I only know that if I have to face that again someday, I will do my best with it and although I do not feel I have it in me to ever start again, it is an incredible amount of energy and investment, I will try not to rule anything totally out either. I have learned so much in this whole journey, so very much, more than I ever dreamed I would. We have more strength in us than we ever could have realized. We just have to draw on it.

Edited by kayc
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kayc: I understand your situation. It is VERY scary. To my mind and possibly yours, if a guy loves you, he should be concerned about protecting you at least with a will. I had to declare bankruptcy when my first husband died. I had no health ins. either. Six months before Curt died I slipped into unconsciousness. My body had become poisoned. The state government here has a program to cover the uninsured, and since I was in bankruptcy all my bills were taken care of and they put me on their plan for one year. The reason I bring this up is that perhaps your state has a plan that will cover

either of you with little or no premiums. Also see who the hospital would bill if you are "poor" enough. It might give you some peace of mind. Does John have a group life ins. plan through work? It is usually cheap. A husband has an obligation just as a wife does to make sure their wishes are known and some protective arrangements are made. Considering you're a widow perhaps that would make it easier for your present husband to understand your requests. You can make legal wills from Legalzoom online. They have the same legal documents the lawyers draw up and costs 20.00 per person. You just get them notorized after filling it in.

"An incredible amount of energy and investment". I couldn't say it better.

Truly we get drained from dealing with this practical stuff and the idiocyncisies of our new men. We are thrust into a new open world not totally of our choice and it can take everything out of you; the feeling of being lost without a familiar anchor is hard. I so wish I could cry in my husbands' chest to "make it all better". Both my parents died during the time I lost my husbands and without kids either I can feel overwhelmed. And yet we

are lucky in that we found another to create a life with. I look back and make myself remember that it wasn't easy starting off my previous lives either, that time smoothed out the rough spots(and lots of talking with my partners).

I've met a lot of women who have no intention of ever getting involved with a man again. They had it with their illnesses and aggravation. Maybe one isn't the loneliest number as the song goes. Sometimes lack of fear and worry with some peace and quiet fills the bill.

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