Grief Lesson #23

[AnnieO]

I just finished reading Marty's grief lesson #23 and it was really helpful.

It's a check-list to see how your are doing in your grieving process. I thought I wasn't making any progress, even going backwards. As I read the check-list and found things that I can now do, I felt so much better.

It's a great list to read! Thank you Marty.

[MartyT]

Annie, dear ~ I'm so glad to know that you found that piece helpful. So often the progress in our personal grief journeys is so gradual and so subtle that, unless we stop and take stock of it, we may not even notice that we are moving forward at all. It's so important to recognize signs of our own healing, and to give ourselves credit for the hard work we've been doing. Would you be willing to share with us some of the signs you've recognized in yourself, so that others will know what we're talking about?

[AnnieO]

Marty,

Maybe I was bragging a little bit..I just counted up my "what I can do " list and it's only 7 out of the 46, but it's still progress and it helped me to see I am able to do things I couldn't do a few months ago.

Here is my "yes"list

-Drive somewhere by myself without crying the entire time

-Concentrate on a book

- Get thru a few hours nearly free of pain

-Be more aware of the pain and suffering of others around me

-Find something to be thankful for

-Catch yourself smiling and laughing again

-Fill some of the roles once filled my your loved one

It's a start! I have printed the list and will keep it by my bed.Thank you!

[Tracey B]

Hi New to this

I have just lose my mother and need any help to just go on.It has been a week still can't be a round people and i just started a new business so have not been to work only 2 hour today and that was to long.Just dont know how to go on. can anyone help

Tracey

Edited July 17, 2007 by MartyT

[karenb]

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. This is the most horrible pain you will feel. My heart is with you....I pray for you.

[shell]

Tracey,

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I lost my Mom. I lost my Dad two and half years ago. I know how you feel and it is perfectly normal. It is going to take time for you to grieve, so try to work out something that will help you "get through work", since you have a new business. Otherwise, spend time alone if that's how you feel so that you can cry and yell and anything else that will get your emotions out. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please continue to come here and "talk", it really helps. We all understand what you are going through. Hang in there...things will get a little "easier" to deal with as the months wear on.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[AnnieO]

Tracey,

I am so sorry about your mom. I am glad you found this website, you will find wonderful people here , who can really help.

I lost my mom 6 1/2 months ago. I know this is so hard for you. I know it helped me when people would ask me something about my mom, it felt good to talk about what my mom was like, not her illness and death. Someday, maybe you can share something about your mom with us. You are in my thoughts and prayers and keep coming back here.

[kayc]

AnnieO,

I am so proud of you! Every feat we accomplish is worthy of our celebration. We need to applaud ourselves for making it through this.

Tracey,

I am sorry about your losing your mom. You will get through this. Be understanding of yourself and know that what you are experiencing is normal and it will get better eventually. This is a good site to come to and air your feelings and know that there are others that understand and have been through it.

[shell]

Hi All,

I thought I would pass on something a nurse told me yesterday when she found out my Mom had passed away. After telling me how sorry she was, she said it was time for me to take care of myself now. That I had taken wonderful care of my mom and that now I must take care of me. It made me do a lot of thinking and I realized she was right...we must all take care of ourselves to be able to fully cope with our grief. It's so hard to switch from taking care of someone else to thinking of yourself. It's like she gave me "permission" and now I don't feel so guilty when I do something just for me. So, please, all of you, take care of yourselves now. We have all earned some TLC for ourselves!

Hugs to all,

Shell

[Stallyn]

Shell,

Thanks for that affirmation and insight, I always think of what Myrna would want me to achieve, well I got some ways to go.

William

[chandrasmom]

...we must all take care of ourselves to be able to fully cope with our grief. It's so hard to switch from taking care of someone else to thinking of yourself. We have all earned some TLC for ourselves!

This is so true and so important. I spent 2-1/2 years worrying about my daughter's health, taking her to doctor's appointments and treatments and then living with her and taking care of her 24/7 until she died. So now I struggle with guilt about taking care of me. The other day I saw someone I hadn't seen in quite a while. She asked what I'd been doing and I said, "Taking care of the house, the yard, the dogs and myself." I guess that shows where I put myself on the priority list.

When people ask if I've gone back to work, I feel guilty admitting that I haven't. When they ask if I've been busy, I don't know what to say. Yes, I'm busy grieving. That takes up a substantial part of my day. I can sit and think about things for hours. I can mow the lawn and do the same. I am no longer the Type A personality who has to prove she's a success, but I do feel embarassed that I am not doing anything very productive.

[MartyT]

Dear Chandra's Mom,

You may be feeling guilty (when we are grieving, so much of what we are feeling doesn't seem to make much sense), but that does not mean that you are guilty -- and the only people who would think that doing the work of mourning is not hard are the ones who've never lost a loved one to death ~ most especially an adult daughter! Keep reading the posts you'll find here in our forums, and you'll soon discover that with us, you don't have to explain what you are doing with your time ~ we already know. This is some of the most difficult, gut-wrenching work you will ever have to do, and please don't let anyone (including that nagging little voice in your own head) tell you that you are not "doing anything very productive."

[shell]

Chandra,

I feel exactly like you do. I take care of the house, my babies (my kitties), do all the day to day stuff, but feel like I'm not "working"! And Marty is right, grieveing is the hardest work you'll ever do. I think that's why a lot of us seem to avoid being around other people right now. It's just too hard, because a lot of them don't understand. A lot of people ask me if I'm going out and keeping busy. I know they are trying to be helpful, and they think that's the "answer" to handling grief, but I just want to tell them to shut up. I go out when I have to or if I feel I can handle it, and YES, I'm "keeping busy"...grieving and taking care of things! I am trying to not feel guilty about anything anymore. I'm working on it! So lets start a "guilt free club" for all of us!

Hugs,

Shell

[chandrasmom]

Shell & Marti, Thank you for replying to my post. It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling this way, Shell. And Marti's post made me cry. I've spent so many of my 55 years feeling guilty about something. I have made a lot of progress in letting that go, but there are some guilts that hang on.

This business of grieving is hard work. And I made a commitment to work through it, not to run away from it only to face it later. Most people who haven't been through something like this do think you should just keep busy. My daughter's fiance has thrown himself back into work so that all he has time to do at night is go to bed and then get up and start over again. I think he has a lot of things he feels guilty about and is trying to avoid facing those. Af first I felt like I had to be his support person, but he used to make me feel terrible. He wanted to turn every conversation into a comparison of whose grief was worse, his or mine. I finally decided that for my sake I could not stay in communication with him, that he would have to find support from his own friends and family. That was a huge step for me.

I have been doing a lot of reading about grief, which also helps, as it lets me know I am not crazy, I am not clinically depressed; I am just a mother grieving the loss of her child.

Deborah

[AnnieO]

Deborah,

I agree, grieving is the hardest work I have ever done. That must have been so hard to distance yourself from your daughter's fiance, but it seems like it was the right thing to do. It struck me when you said you "are a mother grieving the loss of your daughter"...and I am a daughter grieving the loss of my mother. You and your daughter were so lucky to have eachother. You are in my thoughts.

[curlyredheads]

Where can lesson #23 be found?

Libby

[MartyT]

Hi Libby,

Lesson 23, Recognizing Signs of Your Own Progress, is part of an online e-mail course I've written entitled The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. You can read more about it, including reviews by those who've taken the course, by clicking on the link.