Help/advice Needed, Lost My Mom Last Week

[CFH]

Hello, I'm new around here, but this seems like a great site. I'm 25 years old, and I lost my mother in a surprising, tragic accident about 1 week ago. I was devestated for days, but now I don't feel much of anything... I feel saddened and confused, and I don't really know what to do... nothing feels important - but it is as if I should be feeling much worse, I don't know how to put it any better than that. The funeral was yesterday, and almost 500 people showed up to say goodbye (people were standing in the hallway doors look in it was so full), which was pretty touching considering my mom hardly ever left the house (except for work and dog walking), but it was a lovely thing. I'm afraid I don't really know what I'm asking for here, perhaps just some of your experiences in similar matters. My mom and I were incredibly close, she was my best friend and I saw her at least once a week, but it seems as if I can hardly remember her, I don't know if that is just an aspect of shock or not and if I look at pictures of her, I feel a twinge of saddness that seems to be immeaditly, subconsciously repressed and I then have trouble looking at the picture. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks for taking the time to read my long, rambling post. Please respond, I feel as if I desperately need some help/advice. Thanks.

Edit: I should mention that I have no father (never knew him) and I am not terribly close with my step-father, so I feel kind of orphaned, perhaps that is contributing to my confusion...

[AnnieO]

CFH,

I am so sorry for you loss. I lost my mom Dec.06. She too, was my best friend.

You will find so many friends here. I honestly don't know how I could have survived without the people I have met here. A week after my mom died, my dad went into the hospital and he is now dying, so I can understand your feeling of being orphaned. You will find help here, know that you are not alone.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[CFH]

Hi Annnie, thank you kindly for your responce. My mother loved the name Annie, and please don't take this the wrong way or as an insult (that is not the intention), her most beloved dog was named Annie (who also perished with her in the same accident). Thank you very much for your kind words. J.

[LoriS.]

CHF, I am so very sorry for your loss. My mom passed away Oct. 22 06' and she was my best friend, too. But she was old...almost 86 and led a very long and fulfilling life. To lose your mom as you did is a shock to your system and I'm sure that all of your emotions are just beginning to surface as this is all new to you and so unexpected. I'm sure it is all normal.

I have a daughter your age and I can only imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry. We're all here for you.

Take care...Lori

[CFH]

Thanks for the response LoriS. I appreciate your words, I'm starting to feel quite badly now, but in more of a frightening, frantic and disbelieving way than anything else... I don't know what to do, I can hardly leave the house and I just don't know what to do... It all seems so surreal...

[AnnieO]

I am not insulted at all, I love dogs! I lost my dog the same day mom died .

We didn't even know he was sick and found out that night that he had cancer was bleeding internally, so I had to put him to sleep only hours after my mom died. I like to think that my mom needed him to go with her. I am sure your mom loved her dog and she needed Annie to be with her too.

When I read your post about feeling frightened and unable to leave the house, my heart breaks, I know, I was there too. Many of us were. It's so hard. Do you have family or close friends to help you right now? Keep coming here and posting, everyone will help you. I hope you are able to rest tonight. Take care of yourself.

[MartyT]

My dear CHF,

Like everyone else here, I am so very sorry to learn of the tragic, sudden, and totally unexpected accident that took the life of your precious mother last week. Having already lost the father you never knew, I can only imagine how bewildered and alone you must feel. Since you are only 25, this loss must be even more traumatic and unjust for you: We simply don’t expect to lose our mothers when we are still so young ourselves! I agree completely with Lori’s assessment that a loss such as this is an absolutely overwhelming shock to your system. I’m reminded of a passage in the book by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, On Grief and Grieving, where they speak of the fearsome power of grief:

The time after a significant loss is full of feelings that we usually have spent a lifetime trying not to feel. Sadness, anger, and emotional pain sit on our doorstep with a deeper range than we have ever felt. Their intensity is beyond our normal range of human emotions. Our defenses are no match for the power of the loss. We stand alone with no precedent or emotional repertoire for this kind of loss. We have never lost a mother, father, spouse, or child before. To know these feelings and to meet them for the first time brings up responses from draining to terrifying and everything in between.

I don’t know what, if any, support you have available to you right now, my dear, but I think it is essential that you have someone you can talk to about all of this. I understand that you’re not very close to your step-father (and I imagine he’s got his own reactions to deal with right now) – is there anyone else you know well who can be there for you right now? A trusted relative, friend, neighbor, co-worker, clergy person, perhaps? You need someone who can act as a sounding board, someone who will listen to your story and help you sort through all your feelings and reactions to this horrible tragedy, as they come up for you. If you cannot think of anyone, call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center. You can also use the Yellow Pages and call hospitals and hospices near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a local grief referral. Many hospitals and hospices offer bereavement support groups to the general public at no cost. (The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization maintains a database of hospices for each state in the United States. To search for a hospice in your own community, click on Search.

It may be very difficult for you to concentrate right now, so making the effort to find the resources that are available to you may be better left to a friend or relative who is willing to do that for you. You said that almost 500 people showed up to pay their respects to your mother and your family ~ that tells me that a lot of people knew and loved your mother and you. Did any of them come up to you and say, “If there’s anything I can do to help, just ask”? Helping you to find available grief support resources may be a good assignment for them!

I also think it’s very helpful for you to learn all you can about what is normal in grief, so you’ll feel less “crazy” and more hopeful that you’ll be able to manage your own reactions in the weeks and months ahead. This site is a rich and wonderful source of information, because the good people here are traveling the very same journey that you are on right now ~ most especially for you the members who have posted in this Loss of a Parent forum. As you read their stories, you will recognize yourself and what you are feeling, over and over again. You’ll also find posts that will direct you to additional sources of helpful information. See, for example, my post under the topic, I Feel Like I’m Losing My Mind, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&s...indpost&p=13393. Make sure you visit my Grief Healing Web site, which will connect you to a vast array of articles, books, inspirational readings and poetry, and links to dozens upon dozens of other resources. Make sure you take a look at the links listed on my Traumatic Loss page, in particular the articles I've listed there about sudden, accidental death.

At the very least, know that whatever you are feeling right now is normal under the circumstances! There is no right or wrong way to “do” grief ~ there is only your way, and you will discover that for yourself, as you proceed on your own path. The most important thing is this: Do not try to “do” it all alone! Help is available for you all along the way, and you've made a very important first step simply by finding your way here. (Frankly, I don't think you could have found a better place to start )

[CFH]

Thank you all for responding. To answer a couple of questions, I have family around, uncles and aunts and grandparents, and it is easier when they are around, but of course they can't be there all the time. My friends (I don't have many) seems to be avoiding/ignoring me at this time, which I guess is understandable - I haven't called them either. I have one friend I talk to on MSN and that has helped.

I had the strangest dream last night... I was driving with my mom, on the route we always took to walk her dogs, and somehow we ended up at her house and I realized that she was dead (I may have even realized it was a dream, which never happens to me), so I started asking her all these questions - Are you ok? Are you happy and at peace? Is God with you? etc. I tried as hard as I could to hold on to the dream but it slipped away and I awoke... I don't know why I wrote that, I guess I just felt like getting it out/sharing it. Thanks again, J.

[AnnieO]

J,

Did your mom answer your questions in your dream? I have only had 3 dreams about my mom since she died. I no longer believe they were dreams...I think of them as visits.

I am glad you have family to help you. Be sure and ask for their help.

Take care.

[CFH]

She did Annie, but in a very odd sort of way... She kind of smiled and laughed when I asked her if she was safe and happy (she said she was). She smiled and chuckled after a couple of the questions... I only managed to get 4 or 5 out before it faded away. I hope it is a sign and that I was really speaking to her, but I don't know quite honestly.

[shell]

CFH,

I'm so sorry for your loss. What you are feeling, and not feeling, is normal. It is the shock stage of grief , the "disbelief" stage. It will wear off and your feelings will come out. The recent feelings you've had sound like anxiety to me (I know a lot about this, unfortunately!) and can lead to agoraphobia (not being able to leave the house...which happened to me years ago and then after my dad died). I finally had a great doctor who put me on medication that helped me tremendously, so if it gets worse, you may want to talk to your doctor before it gets to the agoraphobia stage. I'm not saying that to scare you, just trying to help you avoid a lot of added pain and problems.

The dream you had is wonderful. I do believe that people communicate with us that way, so I think it was a message from your mom. And from the way you described it, she seems happy. Hang in there and come here with any questions. Usually at least one of us (usually many more than that!) have had the same experiences, so someone can help!

A big hug to you,

Shell

[lorikelly]

CHF

I believe you had a visit from your mom, i believe she wanted to let you know she is ok. i lost my mom 7/3/06 and some days i still can't believe it is real. i long for her, i just want to see her face and hear her voice. i realize now that will never happen but i do think about it . i to was afraid to leave home and was having severe panic attacks. they were the worst thing i ever experienced. i finally broke down after losing alot of wt, lack of sleep and panic attacks to take meds. they have helped. i wish i could say something to make the pain go away but i can't. just take one MOMENT at a time. Lori

[CFH]

I just want to yet again write to thank all who responded. It hard, obviously, but I'm sure eventually I'll get used to this. My feelings have begun to surface, but almost as soon as the surface they seem to submerge just as quickly. I had a very rough night last night and I'm sure more long nights are to follow. I have been having bouts of periodic anxiety (I've always had social/anxiety problems - never enough to be medicated - but this is different). However, I'm sure I'll adapt. Thanks again, J.