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Now They Are Asking For Some Of His Things!


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I wouldn't be surprised if you guys want me booted off this site. It seems I'm always the one full of anger or just plain frustration!! I don't want to upset anyone I just can't take it anymore! Larry's family had their usual Memorial Day Pool Party yesterday. They live 2 minutes from me. His mother told me about it after the fact. I'm hurt, I feel left out, forgotten. The people around me tell me "well you could have called and asked to come" "you have too many expectations of people", and on and on. I was going to try and not get myself upset about it but then this evening his mother came by and after a few minutes said "I don't want to upset you but Larry's brother would like his Nascar collection". FIRST of all, I haven't touch anything, his glasses, his shaving cream, his clothes, HIS NASCAR collection which includes cars, trucks, jackets, hats. Some of these things I personally bought for Larry as gifts for birthday and Christmas. He was a huge Bill Elliott fan. I didn't know what to say. I told her when I do decide to go thru his things I will think about what I could give to his brother, but I won't be giving the things I bought for Larry. I was planning on donating one of his jackets to Make A Wish Foundation, this happens to be the jacket his brother wants. Of course, its the one the has some value. I would like someone less fortunate to have it. I just MISS him. I don't need this. I can't breathe. What do you all do when asked this question??? Any advice? I need to find a way to deal with this constant anger. So sorry for unloading here, I don't have anyone else. Deborah

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Boy, I am sorry. People like that are unbelievable! Do you have your family close? I really do understand. My Jack's first wife and I were good friends and she died of cancer. As things went on and after some time Jack and I got together and finally were married for about 14 wonderful years. I knew him for about 25 years because of our work. He has 3 children but my circumstances are reverse from yours. I saved them mementos of his and I thought they cared for me but since he died I never heard one word from them and that's almost two years the end of July. People just do such strange things! It hurt like you may be hurting now and then I was just angry and then I just let it go. I was wasting my energy fussing over it and I finally figured out that it just wasn't worth it. I'm sure your anger will lessen. Just take care of yourself and try not to let unfeeling people get to you. Let us know what happens and try to have somewhat of a peaceful night.

KarenB

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Deborah,

Do not feel bad at all for coming on here and venting...I think we all have, and we need this place as sometimes it's the only place that is safe and understanding. First of all, I would have felt hurt too to not be included in their family get together. Your husband's death was not a choice you made and you should still be included...a lot of people really haven't a clue about how to handle things and somehow manage to fumble everything when it comes to this kind of situation. Second, please hear me here, DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, WHAT HE WOULD HAVE WANTED YOU TO DO, WITH REGARDS TO HIS THINGS. Do not let anyone bully you or intimidate you or take advantage of you, and sometimes families can be the worst at this. George's brother Manley, wrote me from prison after George passed away, and said he wanted George's coin collection, and he especially wanted it for Kasey (Manley's son). I was furious! First of all, George has his own kids, if something would be passed down, they would come before his nephew. Second, he has my kids, and he and my son were extremely close and George had already said he wanted to leave the coin collection to my son. Third, the coin collection had already disappeared, along with other things (we had a burglary when he died). Fourth, Manley did not bother coming to George's funeral, even though he wasn't yet in prison...he'd called the night before and said he'd be there, but he didn't bother showing up or calling again. I wrote to Manley and told him the coins were no longer there, but if he wanted something to remember him by, I had plenty of hospital bills...

I never heard from him again. That's okay with me. I want people in my life that truly loved George, and weren't just out to get something from him. Don't let yourself be pressured...take your time making decisions and follow your heart, I believe he'll guide you if you let him.

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I don't think there's anyone posting here who questions for a moment why you're frustrated, angry, hurt, bewildered, or experiencing any of the other feelings associated with great loss. (Especially when compounded by the crass behavior of family!) For what it's worth, I think you are well within good taste and your rights to tell them, as you said, that when you're ready, you'll let them know what you are going to do with the things that Larry left to you. If you can make it clear that you won't be pressured to act before you are emotionally ready to, and that your decisions will be made in a way that honors Larry and befits his memory, it may help set the ground rules while allowing you to relax at least a little bit. Since you already had something in mind for the jacket, and because the Make-A-Wish Foundation is such a great cause, your brother-in-law would have to be a real piece of...work to object to a donation granting a wish to a child. I hope your in-laws are just hopelessly clueless and not as heartless as they seem to be, but calling to tell you that they just had a party is just incredibly insensitive.

You surely don't need that kind of treatment, and not knowing you I don't know what (or if) you are comfortable saying or doing something to let the people around you know what is acceptable to you. Also, not knowing the people you're dealing with makes it difficult to know what to offer you in the way of constructive help. I surely wouldn't want to suggest something that would cause you to feel even more isolated. I've been able to tell someone close to me that, while I appreciate his efforts, telling me that it's "time to get on with life" is counterproductive, and since his strong suit isn't emotional support, I'd appreciate less of it than more. I've indicated to him that it's time for him to leave the house on several occasions. This seems to work for a while, then I have to be firm once again, and restate that I will be progressing on my own time line, not his or anyone else's. I've experienced jaw-dropping insensitivity after my wife's death, but not from family. Remember, I don't know the people we're discussing, but if it's part of your makeup, you are able, and it will be effective and good for you, tell them what is and isn't acceptable to you regarding these sensitive areas. If the in-laws are clueless rather than cruel, maybe letting them know that leaving you out of family get-togethers, calling to tell you about it, followed by asking you to divvy up personal items Larry left behind, is beyond insensitive and you don't want to have to point out what should be obvious to them again.

I hope this at least gives you something to think about, Deborah, and I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this sort of thing on top of dealing with the loss of Larry.

Steve

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We would never want to boot anyone off of this site, we want you to post what you are facing on this site. In time you will know what to do, don't let anyone tell you what to do with his stuff, it is your descision and yours alone. His family should honer your wishes no matter what they are. My wife's nieces have expressed a desire to go through Karen's costume jewerly, I told them when I am ready and they understand. I wish all of your families were as understanding as mine have been. I have slowly started giveing some of her things away. I sent several of her clothing items to my mom in Seattle, she doesn't have much money to buy clothes so I felt better to send the stuff to her rather than give to Goodwill. As time passes I may be able to give the things I can't give to family to that organization. You do what you feel right and when you want to do it. As always post what is happening in your life and how you feel somwhere down the line someone else that is facing the same problem will read your post and the suggestions others give to you and it will help them. I read so much about what is happening to everyone here and the lack of understanding from your families and I wish I could come thru this screen and slap some since into them. Since that is impossible all I can do is pray for you and hope that everything will work itself out.

Love always

Derek

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Deborah - Why on earth do you think we would "boot" you off of this site? We are all here to support each other!!!! We love you as "family" and we would never, ever consider asking you to leave here. That is what we are here for-to listen, be understanding, not judgemental and to just wrap our arms and our hearts around you.

I am sorry about the way your "family" is treating you. I just don't understand how one minute you can BE family and the next you aren't. As someone here said, Larry's passing was not a choice. It's something that happened and they should be supporting you. It's hard for me to understand how family can be like that because my inlaws have been nothing BUT supportive to me. My mother in law loves me as much as she loves her own 3 daughters. After all...I loved, took care of and made happy one of the most precious things to her - her son. I "hang out" with my sister in law and brother in law; we cry together, we laugh together - I can't imagine being without them. They are closer to me than my own siblings. We all live in Arizona - my family is spread out. MY sister has become a lot closer to me, lately, because as of January she understands what I am going through. She lost her significant other January 10th and the first person she called was me because she KNEW I would know how she felt.

You "divy" up Larry's things as you feel you should, WHEN you feel you should. After all....they were left to you! Just let them know that you are not ready to part with his things yet. You and I have already discussed how I feel about donating things. I took all the clothes I was getting rid of to the homeless. Charlie would be happy to know that his clothes and shoes were donated to people who needed them. You need to do what you think is right and what you think Larry would be proud of. ALL of these decisions are up to YOU!!! Remember that and don't let people pressure you!

Love and hugs to you, Deborah!! We're always here for you. Take care.

Patti

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What great friends I have here on this site!! Some of you have made me laugh today, I wish you could slap them for me!! So much understanding and kindness here from others who are hurting just like me. I'm not ready to look thru his things. Having everything as it was gives me comfort still. I know the day will come when I am ready to take a look and think of what Larry would like me to do but for now, I need to be left alone with this decision.

As his mother said, "we will help you do this" Its the first DAMM thing they've offered to help with!!! Sorry. But I've been on my own with this sadness and grief, very little family support and friends who look the other way. Enough about me, thank you ALL, I'm so grateful for you!! Deborah

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Deborah...

Boy, if it were me I would not let anyone else near his stuff. You just don't know what people will do. Take your own time. I still have Jack's slippers, leather coat, baseball hats and some other stuff but I did give his clothes and some other things to the blind people. You just take your time and let us know what happens.

Karenb

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As for me, I'd be upset if I didn't hear from you. Friends want to hear from you when you're down, because we care! (like we're never angry?)

Everyone else said it all. I can only say you're the one that counts in this situation. Some people are just unbelievable. doublejo

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I remember how I felt when I went through George's things, it was incredibly hard. I felt it was "time" when the closet rod broke - not the one holding my things, but the one holding his. I donated his clothes to Sponsors, which is an organization that helps those that get out of prison to integrate back into society...when they get out they only have the clothes on their back, no coat, nothing extra. I knew this is what he'd want, and since we had someone close to us going through that at that time, a young man we'd written to the entire time he was inside, I knew what George would want me to do. I think it's really important to listen to that voice inside of you above all others.

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Deborah,

I don't know what to say, why they throw the morality out the window, I am really sad this has to happen to you, you are in a safe place here, always remember you come first over what they demand! I do not think they have a ground to stand on making demands like that, I hid some things when my wifes 15 friends came over and ransacked our place while she was in a wheelchair oblivious to it happening, heck do they have to know?? You should do as YOU SEE fit. They are preying on your grief.

Truly,

William

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