Missing Jeannie C.

[WaltC]

I miss my wife.... a lot.

We were married for over 40 years, but not nearly long enough.

In January 2005 we were told she had only weeks to live, as her newly discoverd liver cancer was unoperable.

She had survived her disabling MS for over 20 years, but the Cancer would take her life within 3 months.

Those three months were a precious extension to the original outlook of 2 - 3 weeks, but do you realize how damn short three months can be? As the initial three week period passed, I began to hope that the Doctors had made a terrible mistake in their diagnosis, but sadly they had not. Nothing could be done, but to make her as "comfortable" as possible and dull the pain.

How "comfortable" can someone be when they know they are dying?

While I did spend those 3 months at her side in Palliative Care, I wish that I had spent more time in conversation with her reminding her how much I loved her and would miss her. Whether that would have been of any comfort to her, or would have caused more pain I do not know and will never know for sure until we meet again to talk.

I am not sure why I am writing these words, but I does seem to help to express my emotions. Perhaps you understand, perhaps not.

My advice to any readers, who still have friends or relatives that you care about, is to tell them how much you do care while you have "plenty of time" to do so. You never know when you might be told by some Doctor that you only have "weeks" to say goodbye to a companion that you have had for many many good "years".

Thanks for reading friends...have a good weekend.

[LarrysGirl]

WaltC, I know you miss her. Though mine and Larry's relationship was not as long as your's and Jeannie's, our endings were very much the same. You've always asked the same questions that haunt me still... Was Larry scared, how could he have been not wanting to go... what could I have said... I guess those questions don't have answers. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. Deborah

[karenb]

40 years is a long time. I know you miss her tremendously and your words certainly do show it. My husband died suddenly within moments. He had a heart attack while he was driving home from golf. I never got to say goodbye to him. He was a wonderful husband and I talk to him and ask God to bless his wonderful soul every day. I know he's with me as I'm sure your wife is, too. Take care and let us hear from you again.

KarenB

[lorikelly]

Walt

I had 18mos with my mom and i know i didn't talk enough. i wonder why? i think b/c i and she were to afraid to admit she was dying. she was terrified ot it. then i became angry, so angry at her, myself, my life . the situation and anyone i could blame. i wish i had talked to her, asked her questions about things i did not know. now she is gone and i have noone to ask. i to , can't wait til we can talk again. i miss her sooooooo. lori

[ustwo]

Your beloved Jeannie knows how deeply you love her. I've tried to find some peace in the fact that next time we meet it will be forever. It's just so darned hard to get through these days until that time comes.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Steven]

Thirty, forty, fifty years... There are times when I think those sound like such long expanses, but then I think back to my close to twenty years with the love of my life, Tanya. Those years just flew by, and I bet another thirty or forty would have seemed like moments as well. I know in the year-plus since Tanya died, time has been practically standing still for me. How can it be that twenty years felt like a moment, and moments feel like an eternity now? When you're in love and fit each other well, I don't think the marriage can ever last long enough. Eventually, life is going to take the best from one of you.

Walt, I get what you're talking about when you mention being uncertain as to why you are writing and posting your words here. I often get the urge to do the same thing and don't quite understand it. Sometimes I think it is because Tanya and I often spoke of our love of each other, and there is just no satisfying way to release these feelings any longer. Writing about it provides at least something of a relief valve.

I remember when Tanya's cancer returned, and we were forced to think in completely different terms; we had to adjust from the plan to spend our lives together, to spending what time she had left. Of course, we had hoped for a treatment breakthrough, and it was a real possibility, but we were given a window of roughly five years for her life if treatments did not progress. Five years to pack our lifetime together into.

Mining good out of bad is sometimes very difficult. If anything good came of the death of our baby daughter Chelsea early in our marriage it was the realizations that the only certainty in life was uncertainty, and the most--absolutely most important thing in life is taking the time to care for and love each other, as well as the other special people in our lives. Until you've been through what we all have been through here, words like that can sound trite, can't they? We nursed each other through that terrible loss, and somehow survived. T was much better at recovery and nursing me than I was for her, but life's relentless progression wasn't through with us, and the lessons I learned through that trial paid dividends when it became time to care for Tanya through her chemo, surgery, and ultimately, her dying. I say it all the time--loving Tanya through the years, and taking care of her through all of her difficulties were the two highest honors of my life.

After Chelsea's death, we were more than aware how life changes in a moment, and we took almost every available opportunity to express in words and actions our love for each other. I feel incredibly fortunate in that way, as I can only try to imagine the difficulty of dealing with the death of a loved one in which there was a contentious relationship.

If I can add something to Walt's perfect advice to let people know that you care for them while you can, it is to spend more time with these people; play more, work less, give more, take less, and don't argue about insignificant events. - Steve

Love vanquishes time. To lovers, a moment can be eternity, eternity can be the tick of a clock.

~Mary Parrish

[karenb]

Bless your heart, Steven, for your words. You all are wonderful people. Thanks.

Karen

[teny]

IM so sorry for your loss I can understand how much you miss your wife .I lost my husband of liver cancer but we did not even have the chance to say goodby He was gon in 1o days We were also 40 years together and in love I know that when you love so deeple 40 is just abreath you always wish for more I hope you find stregth it is conforting to express emotions I do try to express mine from far away and feel there are people who understand teny

[kayc]

It is amazing how it comes to us, over and over again, like a broken record replaying itself, haunting us, those last moments, the words unable to be spoken, their last moments, etc. I don't think that ever leaves any of us. But we have to remind ourselves that they are no longer in their pain, they are in a better place, and at least our knowing that we are going through this means it is us suffering and not them. That has been of consolation to me.

[spunkye]

Dear Walt,

I can so understand what you're saying...did my husband REALLY know how much I loved him...how much he meant to me...how much I cared?....those have been some of the haunting questions I've cried over these last 10 months.

The other night I had a dream that definately helped! I dreamt that Dick and I were walking side by side and I turned to him and earnestly said "I

REALLY love you!" He just very nonchalantly said "I know."

I believe your Jeannie knows too!

God bless you, Walt.

Benita

[kayc]

Benita,

I believe that dream was given to you as a sign to answer your question, YES, he knew!

[Charlie]

Dear WaltC

I see you are still here, like me, it is so hard to move on. It will be 3 years this Oct and I really do not know how I have made it this far without the love of my life. Like you I was married to my Charlie 46 years when prostate cancer took him from me. Spending most of your adult life with someone makes it so hard to function without them. I also feel like when the end was getting close did I tell him enough how much I loved him and how much I would miss him, I don't think so, I was so consummed with the fear of losing him I was numb and so scared to acknowledge that he was really dying, we didn't talk about it, we just dealt with the fear and the pain.

I can so relate to how you feel today and how hard it is to deal with life.

Your Jeannie like my Charlie, was my partner for life, I hope they knew how much we loved them.

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 - 10/20/04