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I Am Revisiting The Past


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Hey Guys,

Some of you know my circumstances, well I thought I had a breakthrough, this afternoon I broke down while driving thinking about Myrna, The way she looked at her final days, I had such horrible guilt about the 6 months before when she was

having female problems, I might think if I didn't take it seriously enough, I love her deeply, was I doing the best I could or was I in denial? Oh God I wish so much to see her again, I wanted another chance with her, I feel I didn't do enough, my mental illness got in the way, I couldn't feel anything, do anything, and now I am very angry at God for allowing this to happen to us, I am beginning

to think if there is a merciful God, I think, was it because I didn't completely give my life to her that God took her away as a punishment? I feel guilt and shame, my life is so empty, I am miserable, I cannot stop moving around and try to relax, I am so damn tired, all I ever wanted to grow old with her, I wonder if I will be happy, whole again. I feel alone with my sorrow as everyone I once knew moved on. Good riddance but I miss the companionship,

William

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I wonder if your illness is contributing to some of this? You may have been in denial. I know I was when I was thinking Jack would be okay when he was getting sicker because he just hardly complained at all. You can't help having a mental illness and she knew that and I'll bet she understood completely. I know God has his reasons on how and why things happen, even if we don't, and I truly believe that down the road we'll begin to understand the why's. He didn't "take her away" for punishment, that's not how He works. I'm sure she had some other things to accomplish. Maybe you can try to open your mind and heart and let some good things come in....they are there. Try to replace the guilt, shame and emptiness with quiet courage and maybe picture her in a wonderful way, not when she was sick. You are not alone. Some people do move on when these things happen but you can find others who will want to be with you and support you. It's out there.....you need to put one darn foot in front of the other and keep going. You take care of yourself and know we all care.

Karen

:rolleyes:

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Karen,

Thanks so much, I think the medication masks my problem, Yes I think my illness is the issue, I don't know what to do with it though, I am on 4 different medications for it, she didn't complain much, I often think if I could've bring her down with my problems, I seriously wonder if I will find another companion like Myrna, I jumped on the dating pool after a month of her passing, I know it was stupid, I did some bad decisions back then that would've cost me dearly, I realized being a widower has made me vulnerable, I have had so many head games with the women online, bad checks, lies, I am starting to think to myself if I want to be married again, I feel so miserable, No one wants to associate with me, and I am happy to see alot of people parade out of my life, but finding friends is difficult where I live. I became a hermit.

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All I can speak to is my experience. My son has had schizophrenia since puberty and is now 42 years old. I have lived with that illness, only. He lives 1-1/2 hours away so I don't see him every day but he does beautifully most of the time, when he takes the right meds. Recently, he was taking the wrong ones which the doctor prescribed but Danny didn't know how to ask questions about what was going on with him and he made some very bad choices, getting him into some drugs, women and the group that fed upon those kinds of illnesses. When I realized it I immediately put up a red flag and things turned out very well for him. Maybe you need to find out if the meds are contributing to all of this. You may not find that same person but you do need to make deciisons that will help you find the right people to help you through all this. I'm sure it's doubly difficult for you but you need to hang on.

Karen

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Your experience helps me in this area, Bipolar and Schizophrenia are pretty close symptom wise, a few months back I was in some sort of daze, went to a car lot, and postdated a 9K check for a automobile, I called my father and somehow he thought I was really far out there and told the guy, after the sales manager threatened to sue me for breach of contract, to let it go, fortunately he did, few days later I realized I was having a mixed episode, my wife used to keep me in control when things happened, unfortunately I really don't have anyone that does the same for me, I doubt I may find a woman that will endure my quirks like Myrna did. Now I hope I can live my life without self destruction. I had my temptations to do crazy things, when I do, I think about Myrna, sad huh?

William

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Personally, and it's just my opinion, I feel you need a constant support group that deals with the problems you're facing and look at the meds situation, if needed. I strongly feel so sad about what you're going through and I will pray for you, William. Maybe you can pray. Please take care of yourself.

Karen

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I always took the problems head on since that was the easiest way for me to achieve a solution, I like to think I am managing the best I can, the awful days are becoming far and between, but the intensity is deep.

William

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Hi William,

It's so unbelievably hard to go through the death of a loved one - a spouse...and I think it makes it quadrupally (sp?) hard to try to go through it alone.!!!...and on top of that having a mental illness and not having support ---- I don't know if I could do it!

I had and have my grown daughter to be with, I have a Bible study I go to and I have a few 'long-distance-telephone' friends...and that has made all the difference.

I agree with Karen, when she talked about how support is so needed at this time... and being a hermit makes it worse, too.

Know that we care about you, William, and be careful who you "latch" onto - many people will often take advantage!! And right now we're all particulary vulnerable.

I'll continue to pray for you...I believe God loves us very much regardless of the circumstances and I also strongly believe that God answers prayer.

God bless, Benita

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Yes it is very difficult but I been ill for so many years I kinda adapted somewhat, I don't self medicate though, That is my weakness, I tend to follow and trust everyone, some while back I found it to be a tendency of bipolars, I try to guard myself now, especially with Myrna gone, I am trying to find a way to meet people, I am so much a wall flower, I was happy with my wife that friends did not matter so much to me, now the hard part is starting over, Your prayers are immensely appreciated,

Willia

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