A New Person?

[karenb]

My husband will be gone 2 years in the end of July. I cannot think of another person to even fill his slippers but it might be nice to have someone to share a walk, dinner, conversation. I have tears in my eyes even thinking about this because I love him so much. An old friend knocked at my door, just a friend, for about 30 years. I got a good friend hug and some conversation and he said we'll keep in touch. I really don't know how to think about this. Good friends, have you been there? I simply can't think of anything other than platonic.

Karen

[shell]

Karen,

I haven't been through this, but for what it's worth, I'd say to just go along with it and see what happens. It may stay a plutonic relationship and that would be great...you can still enjoy having some company and a good friend. If it ever goes beyond that, don't feel guilty. No one can ever replace your husband, but life DOES go on, and we have to realize that it is up to us to make our lives as happy as possible in spite of our sorrows. Good luck.

Hugs,

Shell

[Steven]

Once again, sorry for the lengthy response!

There is so much to consider with such a decision. Through the years, after the death of a spouse/partner, I've heard people comment "it's too soon," or similar, but to me this is very much a personal determination (sometimes poorly determined). When my father's wife (my stepmother) died, he moved quickly, giving her clothes and other articles to charities, selling their house and moving all the way across the country in record time. He started going to dances very shortly after her death. It was too soon--if it had been me in his position, but that's the important detail; it wasn't my life or my decision to make. I know that he loved her, and his way to get through the pain was full steam ahead. Whether that was a wise decision in the end, well, that's not for me to decide either. I may have half my life ahead of me while he is in his mid-seventies. My perspective on time is no doubt different from his, and that surely affects his decision-making and sense of time.

I don't think there is any disloyalty involved in seeking companionship after the death of loved ones. However, I think the rational mind may have to contend with the emotional mind when moving into any sort of close relationship in these cases. Karen, years ago, my relationship with Tanya was platonic, and I thought that was how I wanted it to remain. But that seems to be the way of love; you can pretend you have control, that you will only be friends, and the next thing you know, your platonic, best friend ever, is the passion of your life and your spouse.

For what it is worth, I say take it as it comes. Decide when and if the occasion arises whether or not you want the relationship to be more than platonic. If platonic is how you want it from the outset, there's nothing wrong with making that clear. As I noted, deciding beforehand may just be self-delusion. I haven't given a moment's consideration to dating anyone, but I think that would be a big disappointment to Tanya (though it wouldn't surprise her at all). I believe that almost all of us visiting this site are painfully aware the dangers of predicting how life and relationships will play out. If you have the opportunity to be happier, why not give it a shot? - Steve

[karenb]

Thanks you guys. After sleeping on it I made my mind up this friendship will remain just that.....a good friendship. Why mess that up, right? It does help to sleep on things and I'm so comfortable just loving my husband. Just continuing on a day at a time is the thing to do. Thanks, again.

Karen

[kayc]

karenb,

One of the main things I have tried so hard to do since getting over the initial shock of losing George was to try to focus on what is, and not so much on what I lost. Of course, that hits you anyway, but I think it takes more effort on our part, but it has helped me in assimilating the changes that have come into my life "after". I am glad you have a friend, they are worth gold! For myself, loving John has taken nothing away from loving George, nothing replaces George, what we had was a once in a lifetime special gift...now I am learnig what specialness I have with John. Maybe everyone can't categorize that way, but as I am extremely analytical and organized, it helps me to.

I wish you the best no matter what choices you ultimately make!

Love to you,

KayC

[karenb]

Thanks, Kay. I feel you are right and if the time comes, I'll just take it slowly. It seems impossible right now but you never know. Thanks, again.

Karen

[missingcharlie]

Karen - I totally understand what you are saying. It's been a little over 2 1/2 years since I lost the love of my life, Charlie. I would like to have someone to go to dinner or to a movie with, but the whole idea scares me. I think I'm afraid that "they" are going to want "something in return" and that is absolutely nothing that I'm interested in. I honestly don't know how I will ever get passed that feeling - maybe it's still too early for ME. The thought of being with or eating with or watching TV with or anything with someone other than Charlie just seems so weird. I truly hope that someday I will get passed these types of feelings. I think I still feel married to him and I was always so faithful to him that I just can't imagine "life" with anyone else.

As Steven said, my husband would be very disappointed in my thoughts. He wrote me a letter, prior to his passing (knowing in his heart that he was going to), giving me "the OK" to go on with my life and to meet someone else and possibly someday marry again. But he has/had no idea how tough that would be for me.

It's definately a personal decision. No one should say whether it's too soon or too long - they have not been in our shoes.

Do what you feel is right. Take your time in the decision.

Hugs to you and everyone here!!

Patti

[karenb]

Thanks, Patti. That is totally, exactly how I feel. It seems now days that things are expected and I can't even fathom that at all. Glad I'm not alone. Thanks.

Karen

[Steven]

Thanks you guys. After sleeping on it I made my mind up this friendship will remain just that.....a good friendship. Why mess that up, right? It does help to sleep on things and I'm so comfortable just loving my husband. Just continuing on a day at a time is the thing to do. Thanks, again.

Karen

Karen,

That's exactly how I felt about my relationship with Tanya before we lucked out and 'ruined' our friendship with love; why mess up a perfectly good friendship? (The best I'd ever had, truth be known). Of course, I did not have a previous love that in any way compared to how I felt and continue to feel about her, so the comparison may be a little tortured.

Steve

Edited June 27, 2007 by Steven

[karenb]

My "previous" love in now my current love atter two years almost. I will wait. Time might tell....I don't know????

[Stallyn]

Karen,

I often wonder myself if what the future holds, bumping into someone and having a friendship without strings, my 4 months alone has been weird and lonely, but I find that my memories are still fresh, is there a #2 true love? got to be something after your time alone, a difficult dilemma, such a choice we been forced into..