Prayer When A Loved One Has Died

[lyn]

i find it very hard to pray these days. My faith was terribly shaken when my beloved husband died last week. i come across this prayer in the book, 'praying our goodbyes' by joyce rupp. saying this prayer again and again is helping me in some way. i hope this will also help all of u. we are all going through this difficult journey, and i found comfort reading the posts here..May God bless us all and give us strength to sustain us through our sorrow.

I take my loved one by the hand and lead her(him) to u, God of Love. Here is ______(name). Accept my love and thanksgiving as I entrust her (him) into your loving care. I want ______to be free to be at home with you. I ask that you save a place for me there beside her (him) and that you be my loving presence in all the lonely moments that await me. I ask that you fill me with motivation and energy in the days ahead when i feel like giving up; remind me often of my true homeland when I am caught up in the desolation of the journey. Help me to find joy in the people, events, and the beauty of nature which surround me.

Thank you for the gift of ______ in my life. I want to believe that we will celebrate the treasure of our love again, when we are both in your presence forever. May this truth sustain me in the days to come. Take my sad and aching heart and comfort me. Comfort me, for I can only feel hollowness and emptiness. God of sorrowing, draw near. Amen.

[karenb]

Thank you....Karen

[kayc]

Lyn,

Thank you for sharing that with us...I prayed that for George. He is ever on my mind.

[Gods Princess]

Lyn. That is a lovely prayer, thank you for sharing it with us all.I am sure it will be a comfort to many who read it in the furure also.

William. I know in my heart that God is for us all and not against us. It is the enemy that comes to kill and destroy. God would be grieving along with you and wanting nothing less than to ease your pain and bless you with abundance. Please try not to live the regret too much as it does nothing for our loved ones and is destuctive to us. I know it is terribly hard. I often think if my husband was here I would treat him so much better than I did and show him every day I loved him, but I aslo know that only makes me feel terrible and doesnt help him. I am sure your lovely lady would want you to move past regret as quickly as you can. It is fair to feel cheated but I pray you get full healing and peace through all this.

My heart is with every one of you.

[Bobby Dennis]

Thank you for sharing your pray my wife Lisa passed on April 28th 2020 and my world is shattered. I feel like I have let her down and are so afraid, if she will remember me and love me when it is my turn to be reunited with her 

[kayc]

@Bobby Dennis  I am so sorry for your loss.  You are in good company here...this place literally saved my life when my husband passed Father's Day 15 years ago.  

If you didn't doubt her love when she was here, please don't do so now.  All that really changed is their bodies gave out, their love didn't.  I know that's a HUGE change, it's taken me years to process my grief.  We continue to love and miss them.

You say you feel you let her down, can you elaborate?  Is it because you felt you should have been able to protect her from death?  Because there are some things we are unable to do and that is one of them.  We beat ourselves up in those early days with all of the coulda/wouldas in an attempt to find a different outcome, but there is only one outcome and that is the one that happened.  This is part of our grief response, it's hard not to be in denial that this is our reality now.  It takes time to process this.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful along the way, most of it I gleaned here.  I hope something in it will be of help to you today, something else on down the road as our journey is ever evolving.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Bobby Dennis]

I fell asleep next to her and woke up about 2 hours later and she was gone why couldn't I have stayed awake. I cry all day look at my phone seeing if I missed a call from her keep hoping she will walk thru the door. Thank You for the kind words she never felt this pain and emptiness before

[Gwenivere]

Bobby, this is a daily struggle I still take on every day.  That he was spared this pain and emptiness.  I sometimes curse him for it, tho it was no fault of his.  It’s part of the process as in my heart I feel if you really loved me as I know you did, you would not have abandoned me to the cold your void created.  I envy his not having to feel this.  I don’t revisit the morning I got the call he passed as I had come home for some much needed sleep.  He wouldn’t have known I was there anyway.  Not from what I saw for days and I don’t want to play out other scenarios that could create guilt.  

Your loss is so very new.  It will unfold in so many ways.  I wish I could say in such and such amount of time you will feel less pain, but this is your journey with your memories and triggers from your life together.  I’m not even sure at 5 years I can say the pain has lessened.  But I can say you can get out those feelings to others who understand so well.  The validation for anything you feel is here.  It’s saved all of us.  It’s OK to feel negative things as well as missing the beauty you lost.  One thing about grief is there are no rules and anyone that tells you there are is lying.  Those are usually those that think they get it but haven’t experienced it.  I knew before I did I didn’t get it, there was no way I could.  My only regret was judging my mom at times because I couldn’t understand the protections she created for herself that I do now.  Hers were different and I wish I could talk to her about it.  

Keep reaching out.  There are so many willing to help that actually can.  My only advice, not that you asked, is to avoid seeking consolation from those who never felt this.  It’s only imagination for them.  I know,I was once there even when I was staring death in the face.  Until it happened.  Then I knew no imagining was close to the real thing.

[kayc]

On 5/12/2020 at 1:43 PM, Gwenivere said:

 It’s part of the process as in my heart I feel if you really loved me as I know you did, you would not have abandoned me to the cold your void created.  I envy his not having to feel this.

I understand, Gwen.  It makes no rational sense, yet we go through these feelings all the same.  The last time I saw him in the hospital bed where he died, he was having a heart attack, his eyes bugged out, they were working on him...I was frantic and yelled for him to hold on and he shook his head no.  I said it again, again he shook his head no.  I was about to tell him then it was okay, he could let go, but I never got the chance, the nurse instead shoved me out of the room, off the ward, and locked the door behind me.  I wasn't interfering with their working on him, they wouldn't have even known he was in distress had I not ran for their help!  I wanted to be there as he crossed over but that was taken from me by someone who didn't even know him.  I cried to the ice queen (as I've dubbed her) but I'M his Little One!  We were always together, went through EVERYTHING together...except the most important event of his life...his entering that next phase for him.  I feel I got ripped of that.  I never got to say goodbye.  

I am personally glad he hasn't had to go through what I've been through since.  I'm glad he doesn't know what it's like to have his heart and soul ripped out of him.  To face the challenges that come along, all by himself.  To know what true loneliness is.  That isn't true though, we both knew it before we met each other.  We completed each other.  We complemented one another.  We were one.  I guess I realize that although I'm a separate entity in itself, he is still part of me and always will be.  If that makes any sense.

[scba]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

  

I am personally glad he hasn't had to go through what I've been through since.  I'm glad he doesn't know what it's like to have his heart and soul ripped out of him.  To face the challenges that come along, all by himself.  To know what true loneliness is.  

Me too

[Gwenivere]

I think I know why I get so angry Steve was spared this left behind business.  We shared everything so we understood what each other went thru.  No, I couldn’t actually feel his cancer discomfort, nor he my constant alert status as caregiver, but we could try and explain it and see the other person.  We are not sharing this which was the norm.  I know this will sound silly or crazy even, but we should be sharing this pain.  It’s how we always did things.  You do this part, I’ll do that and we can switch over for a break.  I’ve done this for over 5 years.  I need a break.  He should be managing this life crap for awhile.  The heartache.  Maybe that doesn’t seem as valiant as most everyone, but I know Steve would get it.  There were many times in life we carried each other’s pain for a bit.  Or at least helped ease the weight.  

Last night I begged death/god/nature to take me.  I was specific for the reality of it being  days til someone would notice.  I said after I use the bathroom and open the door so the dogs aren’t trapped in here, take me PLEASE and stop this anguish.  These are becoming my thoughts going to bed knowing it will repeat the next day.  If I weren’t so physically limited, had only one option to try to fix it that is so extreme and not watching Ally failing, I would be getting a tree down, carpets cleaned, an AC unit for the summer, all kinds of projects that would feel like I was able to handle this as I did a few years ago.  But everything is an impossible effort feeling so crippled and facing more loss.  

I love him madly, but I feel cheated.  The best I can do is not blame him, even in my anger.  It doesn’t stop me from yelling at him tho at times.  The thing is I know he would totally understand.  So it’s OK.  He'd more likely be concerned if I didn’t.