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I Feel I Should Be Doing Better By Now...


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It's been over two years. I still have this overwhelming feeling of lethargy and depression, this feeling that no one cares, no one understand, this isolation, this hopeless feeling, despair. I feel like my life doesn't matter any more, I don't count for anything. I can't talk to anyone about it except here,no one understands, and everyone seems to think I should have moved on by now, should be doing better by now, get over it for God's sake! But I don't get over it, it's never over, nothing ever seems to change, it just goes on and on and on...this lonely empty feeling. It's 2:30 am Sunday and I've slept three hours this weekend. I average maybe 5 hours a night this last week. I feel overwhelmed...my riding lawnmower is broke down and the grass is two feet high, I ordered a part and am now awaiting someone to put it back together, someone more mechanically inclined than I am. My hot water tank has been leaking, I discovered, and the floor underneath it is rotted out, most likly including the joists...I wonder how I am going to afford this repair and if it will wait until I can get it taken care of or if it will just fall through the floor some day when I am at work this month? My job is broke and doesn't have money for payroll, I get paid once a month so I desparately need my check...which puts pressure on me to collect the money for them so we can all get paid...I stayed late Friday night doing that. What a weekend...I have nothing to look forward to any more. John cancelled coming at the last minute, he spent the weekend with his kids and I am excluded from them, I have never even gotten to meet them. My daughter and her fiance were supposed to be up to celebrate her birthday but they never showed up or called. I cleaned my house and fixed all this food for people who never came and I can't figure out for the life of me why I keep going on, why I keep trying. My son, bless his heart, came up to watch a stupid movie with me and eat dinner with me last night because he felt sorry for me...but he's young and has other things to do in his life besides babysit an unhappy mother, I can't look to him to meet my needs. I am unhappy with my life and don't know what to do different. I am 54 and feel over the hill, unwanted, and depressed. Is this what it all comes down to? I tried to read a book on relationships from the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, but it painted such a hopeless picture I gave up reading it...it seems a miracle to me that any man and woman should ever be able to effectively communicate based upon what this book says. George and I could communicate. He bolstered me. He took care of things I didn't understand like lawnmowers and such. My roof is leaking again...if he was here he would have patched it. I miss my best friend and biggest fan. He always treated me with the utmost respect and cared about my feelings. How I miss him. How do I find purpose in life without him? I try going to church but I feel unwelcome and like I don't fit in anymore. I realize I spend way too much time alone so today I called someone to go for a walk with me and we walked for 2 1/2 hours. It helped for a while, but then I came home to a still empty house and spent my Saturday night alone again and I still feel the same...alone, empty, abandoned. How do you guys handle this?...or do you ever feel this way? Is it just me? Am I just a failure at putting my life back together or is it a struggle for everyone? Why is it taking me so long? Why can't I have it together by now? Will it ever be any better or are we just doomed to this existence for the rest of our lives? Understand that I have tried very very hard to rebuild my life, to positive focus...yet still, I feel this way.

Edited by kayc
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hi kayc,

i am praying for u right this minute.i am sending u my hugs and support...

u have helped and inspired a lot of people in this site. i have read a lot of ur posts, and u have inspired me to keep going. i want to thank u from the bottom of my heart. please hang on, hopefully everything will be ok soon. we all have days where everything is not going right, we feel overwhelmed. these days, it is a struggle for me to get out of bed, my faith was shattered, i feel numb, i feel lost, i am so broken and i feel like a robot going through the routine each day, i feel like my life has no meaning at all when i lost my dearly beloved husband and bestfriend 2 weeks ago, everytime this phrase encourages me..'just one day at a time'. and i say a simple prayer, 'God please help me get through this day.'

May God be with u always.

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Kayc,

I am so sorry you are struggling right now. I wish I had the right thing to say, to help you. I just wanted to tell you how much you have helped me over the last 6 months. Your courage and strength inspire me. I do not even begin to think I understand the pain of losing a husband, so I don't want to offer any advice..but I do have a question. Isn't there a way that you and John could live together? I think it would be so hard to be married, but be alone..to have someone in your life that you want to be with and be 3 1/2 hours away. Can you tell John you want to meet his kids and be involved?

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and again , thank you for being here for all the many people that you have helped.

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((((kay)))) - I wish that I could be more help to you, but all I can offer today is my sincere understanding of where I think you are on this seemingly unending journey through the dark valley of grief and despair.

Please believe me that your true friends do understand the hopeless isolation and would love to be able to make things "right" once again. Alas, I have no magic cure :excl:

Although you may not believe it, you DO count - you do make a difference! Your posts here have helped me and many others get through some tough times. I hope others can help you now.

It will be 27 months for me on Friday the 13th, and yes I should be over it by now and "getting on with life", as they say. But what is "life" without my Jean?

It has been almost a year now since my emergency quad bypass heart surgery, so I should be thankful to still be here. I thought at the time I would be with my Jean once again, but I guess it wasn't time yet. I guess that you are right - life just goes on and on. Does the loneliness ever end?

How do we survive with so little sleep? For me five hours a night is the absolute maximum. My normal night of sleep runs from about 2AM until 6AM - maybe 7AM if I am lucky.

I wish that I could help you with your lawn mower, hot water heater, leaking roof, job situation, etc. but even if I were near-by I have NO skills in those areas, so all I could do was to sympathise with you and that's really not much help.

One thing that does seem to help me when I am depressed is to go for a nature walk. For that period of time I can meditate and "talk" to Jean, tell her how much I miss her. I suppose she gets tired of hearing me complain. She would not be pleased with my inability to "move on" with life, but I think she understands. I was always a stubborn person and after 63 years (over 40 with Jean as my wife), I am unlikely to change at this stage of my existence.

I honestly admire your positive focus on life and I wish you well. I don't know the answer to your questions. Hopefully, it will get better for you soon.

I have seen others in this group who have "recovered" - some sooner than others. Yet there are a few like me who don't even try.

For those like me, we are doomed to this miserable existence for the rest of our lives.

At least you are trying your best and George is proud of your efforts, so don't let him down!- I know that you won't :excl: :)

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KayC - I am so sorry for what you're going through lately. My husband's been gone two years the end of July and I have lots of the feelings that you're having. Things going wrong around the house and no one to help get them fixed so I have to pay (out of my husband's social security) for it or let it go. I had to have a cancer spot removed and all my upper teeth pulled and an ultra scan for clogged main arteries and without him and his love and support. I have to recharge my riding mower's battery whenever I mow, I had to have drywall removed and replaced from a leak. All I could afford was part of the roof replaced and went through a week in front of the fireplace for heat due to no power because of a horrendous storm. There are other things so I really do understand some of your concerns. All it took was one darn foot in front of the other to get through it to where I am right now but there are the "melt downs" here and there. You will come through this because you are basically a very strong lady. I hear that in the wonderful posts and messages you've given to a lot of people here. Ride this out and you'll come out of it and soon I pray. Take care.

Karen

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KayC,

Yes – I too have these same types of feelings – nearly two years after Jacks death. This passage remains a very difficult struggle, yet I do feel it is easier now than it was in those initial days and the first year after Jack died.

For me it has been reading and writing that has sustained me. Recently I moved, which is reason for my absence from contact on this site for the last month. I have tried to read many of the comments and responses during the last month but moving certainly prevented me from a more active role.

I still cry – nearly two years later. The pain is not as sharp, but I also realize that it not about “getting over it” – a phrase I cannot understand. There is no “getting over” this. I can only trust that by remembering and incorporating those memories into my future existence I will be able to move forward. This experience has been about “moving forward” with memories and not about “letting go.”

I found some solace in both reading and writing. I guess each of us finds different avenues to help us through this process – but it is a vaccine – not a cure. There is no earthly cure for this pain. I remain determined. The pain is a reminder of how much I loved him. My vaccine (reading and writing) sustains me until we meet again.

KayC, I understand your pain. I understand the pain that all of you live with each day. I am here for each of you always. I am sorry for my recent absence from this site.

Love and peace to each of you.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

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Kayc, I know its hard. Its makes it more miserable when everything around you starts falling apart and breaking down. I know, I fuss and fume and beg for Larry to come help me (God knows no one else will!!!) My lawnmower bit the dust, my garden doesn't look the same without Larrys help, my television goes on and off and I have no money to fix it. Your not alone and I know it just makes it feel worse, like what ELSE do I have to endure on top of losing the one you love! Like WaltC, I don't have the answers either, I'm asking the same questions myself. But thankfully we all have each other on this site and how wonderful to see all of the support and friends who've responded with their understanding. I hate for people to say this to me, but its true, just take today, breathe, and take care of YOU! Thats all that really matters and thats all George would want you to take care of. Deborah

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Kay,

This is rough, isn't it?

I don't know if reading about other's experiences will help you this morning, but here goes anyhow.

Anymore, I rarely think about how long it has been since Tanya died. At one point, I thought (based on what I'd read) that I'd start to feel better in one year. It didn't happen--at all. Since then, I've tried to take a different approach, because passage of time really hasn't seemed to make any lasting difference in relation to my state of mind. Some days are bearable, and some don't seem to be, but somehow, I get out the other side. I find that what changes most for me is how I mask my emotion publicly, rather than how I really feel inside. As for lethargy and depression, I really think you're preaching to the choir this Sunday, Kay. My sleep patterns are too disparate for me to graph without using a computer. Truthfully, I don't think I have a pattern. Sometimes, 3-5 hours is fantastic, other times, and very rarely (like this weekend), I sleep so many hours I lose count. I think I slept close to 20 hours yesterday. It seems like a great way to pass the time painlessly, but I feel like I'm wasting hours Tanya would have loved to live. I'm still working on my project/fundraiser in memory of T, but every day is still a battle of sorts.

You certainly aren't a failure at putting your life back together--way too early to call at this point! We should all be moving toward a life that is rewarding once again, but I've been doing my utmost to not fall into the timetable trap. Navigating through the day after losing the one who meant all to us is a victory of sorts, and tying yourself to anyone else's idea of recovery time doesn't seem realistic to me. You seem like a person who is happy helping others. Have you given thought to volunteering on weekends when John doesn't visit? I'm sure having someone like you around to help would absolutely change a person's day.

Steve

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal. ~Albert Pike

.

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Kayc,

I understand completely, tomorrow will be the 4 months without Myrna, I feel so alone and desperate, you have been a tremendous support for me and others! I wish I could go there and fix your mower, I am truly sorry you are having a difficult time, but you have your comrades in arms with you, you are never useless or without hope, you are a blessing to many people, If I could wave a wand to help, may it be! Just a small consolation to you I hope, blessings always,

your friend William

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I told my husband how excluded I felt by not being allowed to meet his kids. He had a panic attack this weekend and told me he couldn't handle any more stress and he wants out of our marriage. Six months and he wants out. My vows were forever, I still feel that way. I asked him to take some time and think about it. I want to see him but so far he won't agree to that. I don't understand how he can love me and tell me I'm a GREAT wife one weekend and the next weekend he wants to throw me away. But then I don't understand anything about life. If any of you THINK about getting into another relationship, think again...take it REALLY slow and I personally wouldn't recommend even dating the first couple of years. I wanted to stop the pain, I didn't do a very good job of it, did I? I'm thinking of going to the doctor and getting back onto antidepressants, I need something to take the edge off my emotion. Funny, I made it all the way through George's death without any aids, no sleeping pills, no antidepressants, but I give up now, I need help. Enough is enough.

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KayC

Just want to let you know that you are in my prayers daily. you have helped me alot. i wish we lived closer , i could use a mom figure and maybe i could help you.

I feel alot like the way you feel some days. tomorrow will be one yr that my mom is gone. i still can not believe it. somedays i wonder why i am still so sad. i have a wonderful husband and two beautiful boys but the pain is still there. i wonder what life is all about and what will happen to me when it is all over. i do have faith and that has helped me alot. i just keeping trying. i don't want my boys and husband to feel the pain that i feel now.

i am always here for you and i will always listen. where do you live Kay? i live in nj and i know it is far i wish i was closer. lori

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I appreciate your responses and prayers.

Just as an update, John has agreed to stick our marriage out and will be coming to see me July 4th and may even have a few days off to spend with me, if so, I will see if I can get them off as well. I've decided not to talk with him about George any more, I think the further we progressed in our relationship, it made it harder for him and I totally understand...besides, I have all of you and my family that I can talk about George with. I still think I want to get on antidepressants, my only problem is money but I may cancel a dentist appt. and instead opt for a doctor's appointment, I think it's more crucial at this time. You guys are so wonderful, I appreciate you all so much. Your encouragement keeps me going. I've also decided to commit myself to walking and taking better care of myself. It's a good stress reliever and I could use attending to my health. Along with that I'm going to make more of an attempt to get out more and socialize with people during the week, maybe while walking.

I love you guys, all of you, and hoe you have a good day today.

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Kayc

Like others have said, none of us are exactly in your shoes but all can relate to how you must be feeling right now. I hear you are overwhelmed at this moment and rightly so. You have so much troubleshooting on your plate that there seems no time or headspace for your needs. I have a saying I love and it is “yard by yard its hard but bit by bit it’s a cinch” I guess nothing is a cinch but addressing all your dilemmas at once is too much of a challenge. I would suggest you be kinder to yourself and take one hour, one day at a time and try to think of creative ways to get through each situation. Don’t try to be too independent right now and ask for a helping hand.

As for church, maybe you could try a couple, as they are not all the same. Ask God to lead you to one you will feel welcomed and at home as you really would benefit from a fellowship right now. My Church family has been my biggest blessing.

As I said please be kinder to yourself and don’t tell yourself you are unworthy of love. You are already suffering without extra condemnation. You are not bad, your are broken and deserve compassion, not condemnation. We are all worthy of love and kindness. Jesus didn’t go around concerning himself with the righteous; he showed his grace and love to the broken and the needy.

I don’t believe moving in with your partner right now will make anything better as another partner cannot mend what takes time, however I would try to communicate your need to feel part of his world and his family as you sound like you want that and that is lovely.

I hear you speak about empty hours and very much relate to that. I took myself back to School as a mature age student and started a new career. I wasn’t used to being the provider and having the responsibilities. I figured if I have to do it alone and that mower breaks down, if I have some money I could just get it taken care of. (What is it with these flamin mowers???) :lol: The study filled many hours while I moved through the most difficult time. Although I don’t think it’s a good idea to consume ourselves too much in case we don’t allow ourselves to move thought he grieving, I don’t see any since in riding out slowly and painfully either.

Lyn

I am sorry for your very recent loss *hugs*

It does get better even though it seems impossible. This promise is coming from someone who was suicidal. There was a time when no part of me wanted to take another breath and didn’t believe at all how one could move through or past so much unbelievable pain. Give it time and be kind to YOU my friend.

You will move beyond it.

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I appreciate all of your prayers and advice.

John and I aren't moving in together, that may be part of the problem, there is nothing normal about our marriage and not much I can do about it since he doesn't want me to move there and he doesn't want to move here.

We had intended to have all week together, I took it off, and then his boss called him back to work as soon as he got here. He refused to go to work as he'd been granted the week off and had just driven here, but he told him he'd work this weekend and he went back home today.

Tuesday night I asked him for assurance that he wouldn't bring up the divorce word again and he went totally ballistic and told me he wants a divorce, he's through with me, and he had a complete meltdown. I'd never witness a Panic/Stress attack before, it was horrible. I could tell he was in a lot of pain and took his stress seriously. I hadn't known he had these and I hadn't known he felt so much stress. He seems to be attributing it and most of his problems to me...I'm not sure why, maybe because I'm safe? He finally went to sleep, which I was glad of, but I couldn't sleep...I cried all night, only sleeping a half hour. In the morning I prayed and asked God's covering for my marriage and asked His direction for me. I believe He's given me some pointers and things to focus on and work on. Right now I'm just trying to save my marriage and it seems the first issue at hand is helping John to minimize and cope with his stress. I've decided not to call him or visit him unless he expressly invites me to. I think he needs some space. I am still considering going to the doctor...John doesn't believe in antidepressants or antianxiety medicine, he used to be on them (I think he'd benefit from them but you can't force someone)...he's had bad experience with doctors and doesn't trust them. He feels I just need to think more positive instead of negative, but I think I try to focus on the positive and do all I can do and don't see anything wrong with getting help if it's needed. I am trying so hard, this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life, my stomach is tied up in knots and I can't sleep. I try not to even think about the difference between what I used to have and what I have to deal with now, but to say it is overwhelming can be a bit of an understatement. I carry George's love in my heart all the time and it is a comfort to me. I know I'm not worthless, I'm the best wife in the world, I always have been, no matter who I was married to. Sometimes life just isn't fair, but it doesn't do any good to pine about it. All I know to do is the same thing I have always done, put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Dying isn't an option although it sounds appealing at times, but it's up to us to make the best of life, we try, we do all we can do, and the rest is beyond our control. Good night, y'all.

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Kay - I am so sorry that John is not being more understanding. Maybe some time/space between you(as you said, not calling him) will be what you both need. Maybe he will realize how much he misses you... I truly hope so!!!

I, too, understand about all the things that go wrong in the house and with your car. Fortunately for me I have my BIL and a friend that are willing to help with those kinds of things - living in the desert I don't have to worry about a lawnmower... :D

I'm trying to find a job, now. I've been in the mortgage biz for many years and right now, here in AZ, it stinks! So I've been sending out resumes and have gone to one of the office temp companies and hopefully, SOON, I will emerge with a job. I also have started selling a spa and skincare product - I'm busy trying to get people interested in that. My hope is that it will "take off" within the next 6 months or so; enough so I have some extra money.

I'm sorry that you are so alone!! I have my in-laws and my daughter and gkids here that are a great comfort to me. I wish I could help you, Kay. I think that walking and taking better care of yourself would be a great thing. Try to focus more on yourself and less on John. We all have to learn to "survive" by ourselves, FIRST.

I know that none of us can help you physically, but as everyone has said, we are all here for support!

Take care of yourself! Love and many hugs to you.

Patti

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Patti,

Thank you for your caring thoughts and support. I thank God every day for Marty doing this site and for each and every contributor to it, because without it I don't think I'd be doing as well as I am even. Patti, when I was looking for work, the place I think would have actually landed me a job, the place that seemed the most professional and helpful was Officeteam...they do both permanent placing and temping. I'm not sure what kind of work you're looking for but they would be very helpful. Good luck with your business! I have been making and selling cards on eBay (you can take a peek at kaycstamper to see a picture of what I do). I don't even make minimum wage at it but it's something I enjoy doing and it's a stress reliever and it brings in a little extra so I can eat.

I made a list of things to concentrate on to help me...

• Pray and seek God’s direction

• Take care of self

• Broaden social life,

• Have faith that things will work out

• Be grateful for what I do have

• Don’t overreact, look at all sides of situation, ask questions, don’t assume worst

• Be understanding

I am going to try to get in to see the doctor today. John makes his own decisions but I have to make mine and I don't agree with him on the taking medication thing, so I have to decide for me. I understand and respect his decisions for himself.

And above all, I have to remind myself and remember at all times that regardless of what happens, I am a damn good wife that most guys would give their right arm for and just because he's having problems doesn't reflect on me. It's one thing to tell yourself that, but another thing to feel it when you're being dumped.

And just because George is dead doesn't take anything away from what we had together...if he's up in heaven looking down upon this situation, he would give anything to come put his arms around me and comfort me and bolster me, and I know that. Wherever he is, he still loves me and is deeply grieved by how I am being treated. I love John and recognize that in some ways he must care about me, I mean, he did spend all day working on my lawnmower, even driving 86 miles away to pick up some parts (which he paid for), and he does come down here, but for some reason he seems to be unable to give of himself in a normal conventional way like most guys do in a marriage. In a way, I'm married, in a way I'm not...I took vows, I take them seriously, but I don't have the benefits of marriage. I don't wake up to someone every day, have that person to fix meals for, talk over the day with, go on walks with, take a camping trip with, visit relatives with, or welcome our children with. If anyone is reading this and has all of that in their lives, don't take it for granted, it's very special.

I have been taking walks lately, every chance I can get, and I think in the long run it'll help my mood and coping abilities.

I hope all of you have a good day today!

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Kay - Thanks for your post! Funny that you should mention Office Team....I was just there yesterday! Hopefully they will find something for me to do. They were very nice. Taking those tests was interesting, to say the least. I found out that I really DON'T know anything about Excel! The other tests I did good on, so keep your fingers crossed! I told the girl I was interviewing with that I wanted to learn more about Excel and she told me that she would send me a link to the course. Hopefully, this "old dog" can learn it!!

Good for you!! Like I said, you need to focus on YOU!! YOU are what matters. John will do what John wants to do... Hopefully he will come around.

Hugs!

Patti

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Patti,

I am so glad to hear you went to Office Team, I found them to be the most proactive about getting interviews, etc. It is neat that they do have courses they provide to help you hone up on your skills and for FREE! With my ultra slow dial up connection I couldn't make use of downloading, but if I had it to do over again, I think I'd go in there and use their computers. Don't sell yourself short, their tests are extremely comprehensive and you have to remember that not all places use every aspect of a program. I went through that with Quickbooks, yet I know that I have learned how to use it very well, it's just their are certain modules of the program I haven't made use of such as inventory. That certainly doesn't mean I couldn't learn in a heartbeat and most companies would be happy to show you the aspects you are lacking in, so long as you are the right candidate in other ways. Personality and ethics are very important to their hiring processes and you would certainly do fine there.

I just came back from the doctor, he prescribed Lexapro, a SSRI, but I am extremely leery of going on it. The side affects don't look good, you have to commit to a minimum of six months, and then there are more side affects from having been on it that long. I am kind of wondering if a daily prayer and walking regime might be just as effective for me without the drawbacks. I don't think I'm so extreme that this is an absolute necessity, I was just looking for some help, but I don't want anything that could mess me up further. The last time I took an antidepressant it was low dose and wasn't a SSRI. Also he told me I have about a 1 in 1000 chance of my marriage surviving. I am not ready to give up that easily and I don't think it's as bleak as it looks. I know it doesn't look good (or feel good) for your husband to say he wants a divorce when he hasn't even tried living with you, but I know John loves me, he is just having some severe problems of his own right now. I hope and pray God will work a miracle in our lives, and me, for my own part, I'm willing to do whatever I need to to help this work. It's been 20 hours since he left and I haven't heard from him and I've managed to refrain from calling him. It's hard, but I have to learn to do this.

Anyway, good luck on your job search, I know something just right will turn up for you!

Edited by kayc
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Kayc:

I feel you are being put through things that are not of your making. It doesn't sound like John ever wanted the actual experience of marriage.

He has no right to turn you on and off. It sounds like you are blaming yourself for another persons' instability. His behaviour will naturally make you stressed and depressed. Who treats someone that way? You need to find yourself again and feel better without someone who hurts you.

A person who cares about you wants to be with you and show you off to his family. It sounds like his reason for marriage has little to do with you.

Please don't blame yourself for anothers' disturbed behaviour. He is making you feel worthless because that is the way he is treating you.

You are way better than is peculiar opinion. Things were better before because you were with someone better. Sometimes we have to realize its' not us, its' them. No one has the right to dangle you back and forth and hold your feelings hostage. It's nice to want to help people with problems but when their problems destroy us too it's time to rethink our plans.

My very best- doublejo

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Hi KayC....

Boy, you're being put through the ringer! I'm going to check out your eBay business....sounds good. I have a little home business transcribing courtroom proceedings and it just brings in a little spending money, usually helping my son with clothes and groceries. He does well but when you have a mental illness you can't work full time. Your list of things to do is great. God's direction is there for you. I pray to keep my mind and heart open to what he's trying to tell me. Some things are so obvious but some take time to figure out.

You know, I agree with you regarding taking medications. Do you really feel you need them? Walks, exercise, eating right and the one thing I found was through a new church I'm attending and that is the support of other women, not necessarily ones who have lost someone but just everyday women with their own problems. When I had a difficult thing to go through they all came over to me, held hands, put their hands on me and prayed. I came through that situation fine and I know it's having others and myself pray for me.

I'm sorry you're going through this with John. I do hope it works out for your sake....I'm not sure about him (sorry!). Just judging from what I know about you through this forum I definately would say he should be happy to have you. He must have a truckload of problems to be acting the way he does. I may be wrong, but that's just my opinion.

Please take care of you.....walk, exercise (I go to Curves 3 times a week and have womens' support there, too.) Eat well and just keep on praying. Even if you don't think so, you are strong and will get through this just fine.

YOur friend....KarenB

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I am inclined not to take the medication...I went on line to learn about it and didn't like what I saw, the side effects, the fact you have to commit to a minimum of six months on it but that in itself brings on more side effects/addiction, and it's expensive and my job is too unstable to predict if I can afford it for six months or not. I am afraid of compounding things. I have not talked to John in 24 hours and I have done okay, I know that sounds crazy, but that is a big step for me. I made a list of reasons I know he loves me to remind myself when I am doubting (I am very insecure). The doctor says we have a 1 in 1000 chance of making it but I hate to be that pessimistic when I know what God can do. I know people also have their say and way so that's not a guarantee, but I am praying.

I wouldn't say George was better, remember he stole me blind and lied to me a million times because of his drug addiction. The doctor says I need life management, I'm kind of thinking it's a little too late for that. My problem isn't in what kind of a wife I am, I am the world's best wife there is, my problem seems to be my judgment. Oh well, that's done, if I can't make it with John, maybe I'll just swear off of men and marriage and go it alone. I don't need the pain and drama. I'll have to be satisfied with my Granddog, ha!

You guys are sweet, have a great evening!

Edited by kayc
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